those with insufficant others

SelenaBassGirl · #1 07-17-2009, 02:36 PM

I knew this was going eventully come up, so I am gonna ask you.
My boyfriend, who plays in a house band, was talking to me earlier about in the future when we "officially" get together (we are pending divorce from other spouses so we don't want it publically known), he didn't want me around him on his job all the time. I understand that it is his job and the boss may not see it professional for a girlfriend or wife to constantly hang around.
But it isn't like I am there to see if he behaves. Well, part of me maybe, seeing I am a jealous person...I am very insecure and it frightens me that he might find someone more attractive and leave me.
But I am also a fan of the band. I support them. I am paying them by buying drinks.
I told him we'll handle that when we start crossing that bridge. I have children. Youngest is 9. I am probably gonna have them at times, and going out will be impossible.
Or I might have a job-with blessings, doing the same thing at a different club.
Or knowing that I will see him when he is done work, should be plentiful enough and I won't want to hang at his club-I might find another stomping ground.
What ever, the thing is, I didn't want anyone telling me I can't hang at a club b/c he works there. It's the thought. But I love watching him play and sing.

it's gonna be hard. I also have friends there. I am not gonna make him look bad by walking up to the stage and on it to get empty glasses while they are playing (like one gf of a member does). I plan on doing like now, respecting him. It's not like I am gonna smoochy kiss him when he is on break and break the neck of a female flirting with him.
My question is, those in bands with bf, gf, wives or husbands, do you allow your other to go to your gigs? I know the ones that travel on the road, it is a different situation, but those who are in a house band, what do you think?
I personally wouldn't care-I mean a 'regular day job' yea, if your bf hung out, it would be nerve racking but a bar?? Tell me what you think.

Kosko · #2 07-17-2009, 02:47 PM

My girlfriend goes to every show, I'd be upset if she didn't. She's wonderful.

El Beardo · #3 07-17-2009, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SelenaBassGirl

I am a jealous person...I am very insecure

There's no reason for jealously if you trust him, if you don't trust him he shouldn't be a part of your life. My advice is give him some space at the club, at least for now.

MatticusMania · #4 07-17-2009, 02:48 PM

Well, both my girlfriend and I are in bands, and we do go to each other's shows whenever possible. I dont mind her being there, and as far as I know, she doesnt mind me being at hers. There are the occasional nights when we are both booked at different venues, or sometimes we'll have other plans, like when she went to a friends birthday party instead of my show.

capnsandwich · #5 07-17-2009, 02:53 PM

I don't mind my wife hanging out at my shows. She's been to most of them. She loves to watch me play and totally trusts me when she's not there. Now that we have kids, however, she has to stay home sometimes and she misses coming to all my shows. Both my children are under 2, one being only 2 months old, so she really can't take them with her even if it was an all ages show. I kind of like it having her there. It's kind of like having my own little stalker fan who I get to take home with me and do what rock stars do.

Din Of Win · #6 07-17-2009, 02:59 PM

Usually the girls i have dated haven't been into the music i play. Like, it's usually indy girls that don't want to see me playing abbrhasive crust punk in a dirty basement.

However, my current girlfriend(hopefully the last too, we've been dating 4 years) is actually the FIRST girlfriend to ever even come see me play. But, i've also begun playing in a power-pop band so she's down with it i suppose...

In any case, it wouldn't bother me at all for them to come to my show or not. I think though, if she DID come to a show, i'd want here there to support me and actually watch me play and not just go to hang out... that'd be kind lame...

MJ5150 · #7 07-17-2009, 03:05 PM

If the gigs have more than a few people attending, how would anyone ever notice you around unless you are walking around proclaiming to everyone that is your BF in the band?

-Mike

Sartori · #8 07-17-2009, 03:13 PM

I like it when my girlfriend comes. But perhaps not to every show. That might get a little weird.

DaveDeVille · #9 07-17-2009, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by El Beardo

There's no reason for jealously if you trust him, if you don't trust him he shouldn't be a part of your life.
My advice is give him some space at the club, at least for now.

... this .

really .

MatticusMania · #10 07-17-2009, 03:31 PM

Yeah! Dont get started down the road to divorce #3!

jady · #11 07-17-2009, 03:41 PM

I can see both sides of the coin.

My exwife used to come to shows and be a total PITA. She demanded being the center of my attention all the time and was a real distraction.

My new GF tho is great, she understands that when I am on stage the performance is my main focus.

This may be a thing that has to do with his ex. Did she come to gigs and be a PITA? If so he may be a little gunshy with you being there. Don't push it, if you trust him then there is no prob right?

MJ5150 · #12 07-17-2009, 03:44 PM

What is an insufficant other anyway?

-Mike

Jools4001 · #13 07-17-2009, 03:49 PM

Or maybe since, and I quote "we are pending divorce from other spouses so we don't want it publically known", he may still be taking his wife to shows?

JimB52 · #14 07-17-2009, 03:58 PM

My wife has never seen me play a gig, although I'd like her to. She says she's heard enough of us practicing.

D.Don · #15 07-17-2009, 04:03 PM

Maybe he just wants the space...

Respect is one important thing in a relation, and to be honest, you prolly get to see the dude a lot when he's not working, so give the guy a break!!

D.Don

MatticusMania · #16 07-17-2009, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJ5150

What is an insufficant other anyway?

-Mike

An insufferable significant other?

totallyfrozen · #17 07-17-2009, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SelenaBassGirl

...But it isn't like I am there to see if he behaves. Well, part of me maybe, seeing I am a jealous person...I am very insecure and it frightens me that he might find someone more attractive and leave me.
...

Considering that he's cheating on his current wife with you, I'd say you have abundant reason to be concerned about it happening to you later. You'd be a fool if you don't expect it to. If it doesn't, it'll be a miracle. Do you believe in miracles?
Funny how everytime these things happen, the "new" person thinks their the "special one" and it won't happen to them.

By your own admission, he is not divorced yet (and neither are you) so--yeah--he's cheating on his wife with you. Of course, you are cheating on your husband with him as well so he has grounds to be suspicious of you also.

Yeah, you'd better show up to every gig to keep an eye on him...he can keep an eye on you that way too.

What a mess.

Good luck with that whole thing.

MatticusMania · #18 07-17-2009, 04:22 PM

If theyre both seperated from the former S.O.'s with no intention of rekindling that lost fire I would say that niether of them are cheating on anybody. Technically I'm still married and have been sleepign with my girlfriend for the past 6 months.

Lady Kayri · #19 07-17-2009, 04:32 PM

Heck, my husband can come to any gigs I play in if he wants, so long as it isn't a private party or other event where it's stipulated you can't bring anyone outside the band. Whether he ever will or not is another question. Not only does he have a night job (3pm to 12 or 1 am) but, quite frankly, he'd rather listen to music on CDs or the radio rather than seeing bands live. I suspect some of your qualms have more to do with other issues in your lives; you have to be willing to give each other space at times...

EricF · #20 07-17-2009, 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

If theyre both seperated from the former S.O.'s with no intention of rekindling that lost fire I would say that niether of them are cheating on anybody. Technically I'm still married and have been sleepign with my girlfriend for the past 6 months.

My divorce from my test-wife took a year to be finalized after we separated. I was living with my GF (current wife) at the time. My first marriage was over and done with long before the paperwork got completed. The only way it would have been cheating is if there was any expectation or hope of eventually getting back together. In my case - and Matticus', apparently - there wasn't a bloody chance in hell of that happening.

As for my wife attending gigs, I love it when she's there, but I don't demand or expect it. It also irritates the snot out of me when she expects me to leave immeidately after I get off stage, so late gigs she tends to stay home.