Those that are married i need your help-financial troubles

Bjazzman · #1 10-24-2009, 05:20 PM

Im in a huge argument with the wife about money. I just sold a bass cab and it was going to be used for savings and taking us out for sushi. She asked if we could afford going out and i told her that we might not have before i sold the cab but since i did we can now.

The way i see it is that i had that cab before we got married and i've made some big sacrifices over the years with music gear to help us get by so why can't i treat it as "my" money when i know it's ours. I should have a little more weight than her about where to spend it.

we have a joint checking account and although my bills outweigh hers, she feels that im not good with money and puts any extra into savings. i have no idea how much we have in there and probably shouldn't know.

how do i justify spending any of "our" money when i have no idea what's mine anymore?

i feel like if i want to buy any gear i have to sell stuff behind her back so i have money to play with or use my credit card. neither of which can be good in the long run

i know not every wife is like this but if you have any advice or have been in similar situations and know what works let me know since i have no idea

RWP · #2 10-24-2009, 05:29 PM

Trust me, you need to get all this out in the open with your wife and find answers you can both agree on. Issues like this are a ticking time bomb that will hurt your marriage.

Bjazzman · #3 10-24-2009, 05:31 PM

i tried being open with her but she never likes to talk when fighting. i feel like i will never have decisions when it comes to money. ever. im sure money will never be a problem to those that have it. fortunately, we have no kids but im sure it gets worse when you do.

RWP · #4 10-24-2009, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bjazzman

i tried being open with her but she never likes to talk when fighting. i feel like i will never have decisions when it comes to money. ever. im sure money will never be a problem to those that have it. fortunately, we have no kids but im sure it gets worse when you do.

Hopefully she would be open to discussing the situation when you guys are not fighting. Believe me I understand your feelings that what you had before your marriage is yours etc. But she probably does not see it that way. Maybe she is jealous about you having things and she doesn't?

Dr. Cheese · #5 10-24-2009, 05:38 PM

If you can afford it, set up a music fund for yourself. Tell her about it before you do it. If you gig, your gig money, ot least most of it, should go there.

Bjazzman · #6 10-24-2009, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Cheese

If you can afford it, set up a music fund for yourself. Tell her about it before you do it. If you gig, your gig money, ot least most of it, should go there.

i don't really want to go the route of separate accounts(what she's threatening anyway) I'd have to ask her for checks from time to time since my paycheck is less than rent.

im looking around the house an i see so many things that "we've" bought but are under my name. i really don't want to itemize everything that we own to justify what is mine and how i can have some money in the relationship. I mean even the rings i got her set me back but what am i going to do ask for those back?

she even forgot to give a w-2 to our tax people this year which resulted with me selling my fender rhodes and pedal steel guitar to name a few

geez marriage is tough

fdeck · #7 10-24-2009, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bjazzman

i don't really want to go the route of separate accounts(what she's threatening anyway) I'd have to ask her for checks from time to time since my paycheck is less than rent.

im looking around the house an i see so many things that "we've" bought but are under my name. i really don't want to itemize everything that we own to justify what is mine and how i can have some money in the relationship. I mean even the rings i got her set me back but what am i going to do ask for those back?

she even forgot to give a w-2 to our tax people this year which resulted with me selling my fender rhodes and pedal steel guitar to name a few

geez marriage is tough

The two of you need to sit down together with a lawyer.

ByF · #8 10-24-2009, 05:54 PM

My wife and I got beyond the concept of Mine and Ours a long time ago (we've been married 32 years). When you're married, you're an entity. Everything is "ours." All our income goes in the same account, all our bills get paid out of that account. She had more savings and investments before we were married, but I've always had more income. It's all ours now. No more mine. Works for us.

Ed

Bjazzman · #9 10-24-2009, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fdeck

The two of you need to sit down together with a lawyer.

really? i could talk to my brother who is a lawyer but wouldn't you think that would just be worse as i really don't want a divorce but i told my wife we're going to a lawyer what would i expect out of that?

Bjazzman · #10 10-24-2009, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ByF

My wife and I got beyond the concept of Mine and Ours a long time ago (we've been married 32 years). When you're married, you're an entity. Everything is "ours." All our income goes in the same account, all our bills get paid out of that account. She had more savings and investments before we were married, but I've always had more income. It's all ours now. No more mine. Works for us.

Ed

that really was and kinda still is my mindset but how do i justify when i want to buy something(or even treat us to dinner for that matter) when i sold something personal of mine?

fdeck · #11 10-24-2009, 05:58 PM

I am thinking, not to get a divorce, but just to have an impartial third party to help both of you come to an agreement on how you can manage your family finances. I suppose a professional financial advisor could serve a similar role without sounding quite so threatening.

tom grossheider · #12 10-24-2009, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bjazzman

Im in a huge argument with the wife about money. I just sold a bass cab and it was going to be used for savings and taking us out for sushi. She asked if we could afford going out and i told her that we might not have before i sold the cab but since i did we can now.

> In my experience it isn't about money, it is usually about control. Might take more investigating into that one. Perhaps she has gone through financial trouble before and fears it again?

The way i see it is that i had that cab before we got married and i've made some big sacrifices over the years with music gear to help us get by so why can't i treat it as "my" money when i know it's ours. I should have a little more weight than her about where to spend it.

> See above. What I did was set up a little stash fund with my wife's knowledge, funded from amp work I do so that it wouldn't impact the house budget and be able to spend it without any problems. Nothing is hidden here.

we have a joint checking account and although my bills outweigh hers, she feels that im not good with money and puts any extra into savings. i have no idea how much we have in there and probably shouldn't know.

> You should know what is in the savings and take an active interest, and not treat things as "hers and mine", with the above caveat. Work together, be knowledgable about what happen in your (plural) house.

how do i justify spending any of "our" money when i have no idea what's mine anymore?

> For something above a small amount I would feel free in discussing it with her, work as a team to come to a mutually beneficial conclusion. Both of you deserve that.

i feel like if i want to buy any gear i have to sell stuff behind her back so i have money to play with or use my credit card. neither of which can be good in the long run

> That's why I started the "fund" so that it wouldn't impact the budget. Once in a while I have pulled money from the savings after a discussion and agreement on it, doesn't always happen the way I want but including your wife in the process is a good thing.

> Some counseling might also be in order here, just to have an unbiased 3rd party give you some guidance. Marriage is tough, lots of hard work but worth it in the end.

i know not every wife is like this but if you have any advice or have been in similar situations and know what works let me know since i have no idea

See above for comments. Just some thoughts..... and by the way, Sunday Oct 25 is our 35th anniversary...

RWP · #13 10-24-2009, 06:05 PM

IMHO resolving issues NOW that would end up causing resentment later in the relationship is unbelievably important. Down the road it is practically impossible to overcome resentment that has built up over the years. I am facing that exact problem in my marriage of 16 years and it's difficult. Fix it now or suffer later.

nortonrider · #14 10-24-2009, 06:09 PM

Money is easy, it's all just numbers - nothing to interpret about it.

Write down where and what you both spend your money on (all of it). Then you will both know exactly what you are talking (fighting) about.

Honesty and Respect are the only things that will keep a relationship together long term.

Bjazzman · #15 10-24-2009, 06:10 PM

i really appreciate your help and support here guys. i've only been married 2.5 years and hope to never have to go though a divorce. both of our parents have never been divorced so we we're raised with that mentality

RWP · #16 10-24-2009, 06:16 PM

Marriage is worth working on and divorce is the easy way out. By the way, if you think it's hard now, just wait until you have KIDS!!!

nortonrider · #17 10-24-2009, 06:18 PM

Just remember that you guys are supposed to be a team (you and her against the world). Don't do or say stuff you can't take back.

I totally trust my woman and her judgment. If she spends money on something, I back her play, and she does the same for me. I feel that if she didn't respect and my judgment enough that she felt the need to question my purchases, well.....we wouldn't have lasted 14 years.

Honesty and Respect!

fdeck · #18 10-24-2009, 07:00 PM

One thing you should probably know is that that the money in that joint account is yours as well as hers, even if you don't have immediate access to it. You have a right to know how much is in there. I would not agree to separate finances unless it's spelled out in writing how much you will get.

As for the W-2, that's too weird. If it happens again, let her file her own return.

Rudyboy98 · #19 10-24-2009, 07:17 PM

If it helps, here's my .02.

I just went through a similar situation late last year. I had a custom bass built. She was fine with it until I used some of our income tax return to pay for it. She threw a fit.

Anyway, some marriage counseling may not be a bad idea. Try this:

1. Plan your discussions just like you would anything on your calendar.

2. Express how you feel. Don't use words that will antagonize her such as "You should have" or "You didn't" or "Because of you..."

3. Empathize with her.

4. Only discuss one subject at a time.

It is possible that this discussion may need to be done once, twice, or three times a week. Miracles do happen, but don't expect change overnight.

Best wishes,

R...

Kwesi · #20 10-24-2009, 07:39 PM

I'm not married so I can't say much on that specific subject but I was at the bank the other and talked to a teller for about a hour about a variety of things and the subject eventually came to marriage and finances. She is a big advocate of the "Yours, Mines & Ours" plan, as in you have you bank account or group of accounts, she has hers and then you share a joint account. That sounds like a good plan because at least financially it clearly shows what belongs to who and clear, straight lines are a whole lot better than blurry, shifting ones. To me (even as young as I am) it seems unreasonable to share everything simply because you're married. The way I see it what was yours beforehand should be yours to do with as you please during marriage. However, if things are tight it may be a better move to "donate" some of your cash to the joint account.

I know it's been suggested before and replied to before but I think you should confront her head on about this. Not hyper aggressively or anything, but as a issue that needs to be addressed and quickly. If you think that your belongings should still be yours and hers should still be hers then say so but ask what she thinks about the idea and what, if any problems she would have with it.

As far as the music side of things it may be good to cut down (that is if you have a considerable collection). Take a bit of time and think of maybe 2 basses and a single combo or amp/cab rig that you could be happy with and just stick with that and sell everything else off. assuming that your wife is a not a musician she may see your bass playing as luxury and doing this would at least show her that your willing to cut back for the greater good that is your financial situation (and possibly your marriage itself).

Hope I helped and even if I didn't good luck with everything. Just know that nothing good can come from inaction so act before it's too late.