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07-08-2010, 08:22 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: May 2004 Location: Northern Virginia | | | will you read my short story?
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Anyone interested in killing some time and reading one of my short stories? I would appreciate the feedback publically or privately, brutal honesty appreciated. There's more there if you want to read them. " Black White" is my personal favorite. Mirror NOTE: this was written for a 7 yr old kid.
Astor is my pen name.
Thank you.
__________________ don't ask me what wood produces XYZ tone ...I JUST DON'T KNOW! http://www.ramirezbass.com got mid-hump®? WENGE FOR QUEBEC, DANG IT!
Last edited by wilser : 07-09-2010 at 12:41 PM.
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07-08-2010, 08:25 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Leuven, Belgium | | | Bookmarked, will read it later.
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07-08-2010, 08:33 AM
|  | Online | | Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Sunapee, New Hampshire | | | Is this the story where you crapped your pants?
-Mike |
07-08-2010, 08:55 AM
|  | One lab accident away from being a supervillain | | Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Powder Springs, Ga | | Quote:
Originally Posted by drteeth Bookmarked, will read it later. | +1 Quote:
Originally Posted by MJ5150 Is this the story where you crapped your pants?
-Mike | Doesn't look like it, but that was a good story.
Good to hear from you again, Wilser.
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07-08-2010, 09:16 AM
|  | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Lake Charles, La. | | | I'm no critic, but it isn't bad. A little bit of "polish" nad I think it could be quite good.
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Bacon gives me a lard on.
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07-08-2010, 09:47 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Tustin, CA | | | bookmarked, reading before I go home today
BTW, my mom said to say she is HOT
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Originally Posted by Phalex I'm happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but Princess Leia was the best hologram of ALL TIME!!!! | |
07-08-2010, 10:17 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: (M)a$$hole. | | Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowtippy "polish" nad | Dude, it's not that type of story.
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07-08-2010, 10:24 AM
|  | that video LIES | | Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Northern California | | Quote:
Originally Posted by hover Dude, it's not that type of story. | Now I'm torn...
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Originally Posted by Fat Albert He who throws mud only loses ground. | |
07-08-2010, 10:44 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Sacramento, CA / Missoula, MT | | | Honesty, it was like eating a really dry sandwich, there wasn't anything that really stood out and the lack of detail makes it hard to picture eh setting or characters. Also paragraphs contain more than 2 sentences. It's a cool idea but it needs to be written into a story rather than a string of events in an almost bulletined list.
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I wont die for your cause, but I will live for it.
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07-08-2010, 10:55 AM
| | Online | | Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Sunapee, New Hampshire | | | On the left side is a traffic feed list. I know people from two of the locations on the list.....Neenah, WI is where my cousin lives and Centralia, WA which is about 20 minutes from my house.
-Mike |
07-08-2010, 01:12 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Lake Charles, La. | | Quote:
Originally Posted by macaroni tony
BTW, my mom said to say she is HOT
| I'm sure your mom isn't as hot as my gf unless...No. sorry, wrong location.
Have an average day 
__________________
Bacon gives me a lard on.
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07-08-2010, 01:16 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Tustin, CA | | Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowtippy I'm sure your mom isn't as hot as my gf unless...No. sorry, wrong location.
Have an average day |
Location, smocation....if your gf wants me to verify whether she is as hot as my mom or not, I wouldn't mind her coming down for verification 
j/k, of course
__________________ Quote:
Originally Posted by Phalex I'm happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but Princess Leia was the best hologram of ALL TIME!!!! | |
07-09-2010, 09:12 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: May 2004 Location: Northern Virginia | | Quote:
Originally Posted by MadMan118 Honesty, it was like eating a really dry sandwich, there wasn't anything that really stood out and the lack of detail makes it hard to picture eh setting or characters. Also paragraphs contain more than 2 sentences. It's a cool idea but it needs to be written into a story rather than a string of events in an almost bulletined list. | Thanks for your honest feedback!
I should have added that this was written for my 7 yr old daughter.
__________________ don't ask me what wood produces XYZ tone ...I JUST DON'T KNOW! http://www.ramirezbass.com got mid-hump®? WENGE FOR QUEBEC, DANG IT! |
07-09-2010, 09:21 AM
|  | Quatre-cordes | | Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: New Orleans, LA /El Paso TX | | | well my real name is Gerald so I will read the story and let you know |
07-09-2010, 09:55 AM
| | | | not bad, as said before, needs some more details, and a bit of polishing. but overall, a good bass-line story. now, just build on it.
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ninefinger read my mind... A 32 foot scale bass? Who's going to play it? 90 foot jesus?
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