Would You Date a Battered Woman?
 

** Please, before getting involved in this thread, joksters are not welcome. If you cannot be mature, do not participate. **

Background:

I have a close friend who met a pretty girl last weekend while we were out at a club. They were getting along well throughout the night, and they ended up making out. On the way home, he told me they got along really well and that he was going to see her again.

So fast forward to yesterday. We talked and she told him in the meanwhile that she was a battered woman. Her previous boyfriend slapped her, held her down, pushed and shoved her against walls. I am not sure if he hit her with an open fist. It's been about 9 months or so since she's been away from him.

Now, he's panicking and not so sure he wants to see her again. He asked me for my advice, and I told him to take it very slow and to be careful. She has told him that she is a "stronger person" now for it. Not exactly sure if she is saying that to make it a "non issue", but then why reveal this so fast? I of course, know that it's not her fault, and no one deserves treatment like that, but I am wondering a few things:

1.) Is it harder to get close to and gain the trust of a battered woman? Essentially to have a real, loving relationship without long term issues?

2.) What issues might SHE potentially have?

3.) Why the need to get that information out so quickly?

4.) What other issues might be worth considering?

I think he should give her a chance, just take it slow if he really likes her. She was pretty cool when I talked with her, but he is understandably scared.

If he's genuinely interested in her then I'd advise proceeding with caution and taking it very slow. Revealing that information so soon is a red flag.

I agree with you that he should give her a chance, if he likes her. As far as i can see the issue is with the scumbag ex.

As for getting the information out there quickly - if it's on her mind, why not. At difficult times in their lives some folk find it helps to share (to the point of over share!).

She may have some trust or other issues as a result, but if your friend has patience and a good heart, it could work out fine :)

Why?

My only rationalization for this is that she wants to get it out of the way so that it will not be a barrier in the future?

That's kinda the way I'd look at it. I'd rather someone come out and tell me that kind of stuff off the bat so that it comes out in a manner which is controlled, not some random outburst, that results in words said, tears, and potential boyfriend material running screaming for the hills.

My first wife took a lot of abuse from the guys she was with before me. We had a rocky relationship and she loved to argue with me and push my buttons. She was also bi-polar, not taking meds, and I later found out she was using methamphetimine up until she found out she was preganant. We were a match made in hell. However, Id certainly not make the case that all, most, or even a large percentage of battered women are anything like her.

I was going to address the questions you raised in the OP, but really, its almost impossible to, keeping in mind that every one is different and reacts to situations in different ways.

The fact that shes been single for 9 months tells me something. Something positive. She's not a serial dater who feels the need to jump from relationship to relationship.

That she brought up that she was abused in the past, to me, seems like shes making her history known, which is something people tend to start doing when they like one another. That she brought it up so soon could likely mean has processed whats happened to her and is actively trying to avoid that type of guy going forward. Kind of like a "if youre an abusive guy, maybe you should leave me along" type thing.

I feel like your friends fears may be a bit unfounded... if he likes her, he should keep seeing her. She's not damaged goods or anything. Lots of people have been through abusive relationships, that shes not in one now says good things about her.

This is all IMO/IME and, YMMV.

Imo. This kind of stuff is very case by case. It depends a lot on her state of mind.

Possible issues may or may not include: low self-esteem, trust issues ime.

I went out with a girl that had a violent dad growing up, he wasn't in the picture anymore and had not been for a decade but the scars were still there and I'm positive it was the cause of her low self-esteem and trust issues which caused problems between us.

On the other hand I know a few girls with no such scars (apparent at least) that went through similar situations.

I'm not helping much, sorry. My only two advises are: there's no general rules this is a case by case thing and take it slowly.

Certain people will probably say to avoid girls with bf/dad/etc. issues, I wouldn't listen to such broad statements.

30 years ago I did! Was hard work though and I eventually ended it! She had too many walls built up and was spooked by everything and anything! Lights out all over the apartment. Meetings in obscure locations in outside cities! Crazy! Oh, and she was 10 years older than me.

That's what I would've said.

Because it's a point of concern for her, which if that's the case is good she brought it up so soon, but which means he should proceed with caution and take it slow.

Having dated 2 I'd say to be very cautious. On top of being very paranoid and defensive, the first one was also bipolar, self-medicating, and by all accounts crazy and unpredictable. The second one was abused to the point where she began to fetishise it. After our first night together I made the decision to end it (she was mad I didn't want to slap or abuse her during the act) and haven't looked back.

There are women who seek out unhealthy relationships. This often stems from abuse (mainly sexual) during childhood or adolescence which leaves them with irrationally low self esteem and self worth.

But the vast majority of battered women simply get into a relationship with someone who initially shows no signs of being abusive and gradually becomes more and more violent with them. And far too many women rationalize it away - first because he apologizes, swears he's "not like that" or has never done something like that before etc and later for a variety of reasons - because they are convinced that they are partly responsible, or that he'll change etc. Eventually they are terrified to leave.

Two women I know that I would have never thought would stay for a second in an abusive relationship admitted that they were battered. It was eye opening to me. One went on to get married and have a loving relationship and I think the other will at some point as well.

The only thing I would tell your friend is that she will be on alert with regards to his behavior. How does he act when he gets angered? How does he act when upset with her? That sort of thing. And it will take a long time before she relaxes in that regard.

Outside of that (which he can't control and nor should he try), he should do what any guy in a relationship should do, have fun, treat her well and see where it goes.

This, more than anything. Lots of variables here--the duration and intensity of the abuse, how long ago it happened, how equipped she was to deal with it, what kind of help she received afterwards, etc.

FWIW, my fiancee went through a lot in her teens. And we now have a fantastic, loving relationship. So it's quite possible, in time, to come out the other side in good shape.

1. In my experience, yes, but once you earn it, you may have found gold. b. Everyone has long-term issues.
2. See 1.b. As long as he's not beating her then they're in the race too.
3. She's being honest & she likes him so she wants to be up front. The reverse--not telling him until way down the line--would be burdensome & untoward. Points for her.
4. He needs to understand her fears and expectations and hopes, as all people in relationships do. Some tip toe, some jog through. If he respects her, show some grace & help her along it will be worth it. If she needs counseling there's no shame in that.
Teell him don't be skeered; love drives out fear. Awwww.

Wow.

+1

Additionally, if he's truly a good guy, and has the patience to deal with a few challenging moments, he might be exactly what she needs to learn how to trust and love again. However, if she turns out to be bat-$#!+ crazy, he should run like the wind. This is something he can't know until he allows himself to get a little deeper into the relationship.

Well said. All I can add is to look up the stats on the number of women who have been abused physically/sexually. It's utterly shocking. There are three women in my life who were sexually abused when they were younger, one of whom is my wife. I dated a woman who was beaten with a coat hanger by her mother. She was a cancer researcher and one of the smartest human beings I've ever met. Unfortunately, she had not dealt with her abuse and at the time I knew her would beat herself with a coat hanger. Needless to say I suggested she go back to therapy but that I was not the guy to take that on.

Anyhow, my point is that when you meet a woman for the first time there is a very good chance there is something in her past. Your friend should keep an open mind and not be too leery. He'll know if she has a handle on it or not fairly quickly.

Yeah, I don't know why but I attract crazy. And people wonder why I'm still single.

Seriously, though, I did care for them and wanted to help but some wounds are just to deep. I'm not saying OP's friend shouldn't give it a shot, though. I've had bad experiences whereas many have had positive ones, and you never know until you try.

I say keep going. It's the early stage of dating. If she felt it was important to get on the table... Good! Better to be dealing with this now then have her repress it and cause problems that your friend can't understand because he'su're not aware of that history. This might even give you a window to help her deal and heal. Even if the relationship doesn't last, he will have gained valuable experience with this issue.

I know a woman--she wasn't beaten but her mother was--and the woman was raped as a teen. She is a very angry person and intolerable. Doesn't trust anyone. It kinda sucks because she is very smart & can be cool once or twice.
I know another woman who was raped & I think that set her back about 25 years in maturation. She still acts like an irresponsible child, & rarely showers. Whuuuut? True story.
What's my point. Some people are tough. Dating is not always fun but she's out there. That's a good sign. They hit it off & made out. Good sign. She seems like she's on tht right track. She's the one giving your friend (or men/dating) a second chance, not the other way around.