Are you really FRIENDS with your band?

totallyfrozen · #1 09-29-2010, 09:00 PM

So are you friends with your band mates?
Do you consider that important?

I was in a band with one guy I'd known since 1989. I almost considered him a brother. In hindsight, I wonder if that friendship wasn't mostly a one-way street--but I digress. I've played with guys who were coworkers, roommates, buddies from church, buddies from high school, and also with guys that I didn't know well. I've even played with guys I didn't really like at all.

So this month, a local musician here (guitarist, Steve Farmer) passed away. The author of the musician's newsletter here wrote a very nice, sincere, respectful obituary for him...but one line she wrote really caught me and kinda socked me in the stomach:
"...Then the realization struck that we musicians stand on stage next to someone for ten years but we don't know a thing about the daily details of their lives."

Is that how it is in your band?
Do you even care?
Do you want to know?
Do you want others to know you?

Just wondering what your thoughts are about being friends with your band mates as opposed to just working with them. I'm sure there's a mix of view on this here, and I'm really interested to see where most of you sit. Personally, I haven't made up my mind just yet. There are pros and cons to both types of relationships. I suppose I lean more toward friendship being a desirable thing in a band.

P.S. I'd share the newsletter but it's an email not a web page so I don't know how I'd link that or post it. Sorry.

Deluge Of Sound · #2 09-29-2010, 09:06 PM

My bands have always grown out of my friendships, so yes.

sloasdaylight · #3 09-29-2010, 09:10 PM

I'd say we're all definitely friends. We go to things together that don't have a lick to do with the band, hang out on non-band days on occasion, get each other trashed and in trouble with each others' wives/girlfriends. Generally we have a good time and enjoy ourselves, and are able to put band business away on off days. I think it's the only way we can deal with practicing for 3 hours a day 2 days a week, and 4-5 the third.

We've had fights between us, all of us, that had we not been real friends, would have broke up the band. I mean shoving, finger pointing, yelling, getting right up into each others faces; our singer and myself nearly got into it after a gig in the parking lot. At the end of the day we buy each other a drink, hug it out, and we're always cool at the end of the night. We've got a rule, and that's no one leaves for the night until the issue's been resolved if it's something that can be resolved there. We've had practices on Tuesday where we didn't leave until midnight because something needed to get sorted out. I'd say we go past friendship and really are like 5 brothers at this point honestly.

redmagictones · #4 09-29-2010, 09:26 PM

The first band I was ever in, we were all actually close friends before we realized we could form a band. One guy was a singer, one was a guitarist, and the other was a drummer. Lol 2 years went by before we realized we should start a band.

Sadly the band lasted only 2 years, we recorded a demo down in NC, played a few local shows. Drugs and women got in the mix and the band was over. I havent heard from any of them in years.

Every other band I have played with, would always seperate there life and friends from the band. lol we would all practice on friday and the next day you would see one of the guys out and they act like they dont even know who you are.

Every band I have played with since then is like that. I feel like if I dont have some sort of connection with the band, I cant write any good material.

**Mark Wilson** · #5 09-29-2010, 10:32 PM

Damn right.
You can't be a good band, if you aren't good friends.

The person I play absolutely BEST with is my room mate. He's a drummer.
The more time you spend with a person, the more synced your internal rhythm becomes. Total entranement.

So yes. The people I play with the most, are the people I love the most.

nataku · #6 09-29-2010, 10:35 PM

I think it's important to be close, but I think being too close can be a hindrance. In band situations where I've been great friends with someone first and then started playing music with them, it felt like we got less done. Maybe it's just me, but people seem have a different attitude if they feel like they're hanging out with a bunch of friends as opposed to being in an environment with coworkers. In any case, a good balance is healthiest for the band, IME.

**Jerose** · #7 09-29-2010, 10:40 PM

We do things together that are completely not music related, so yeah I think I would consider us all friends.

**jmattbassplaya** · #8 09-29-2010, 11:10 PM

The only bands I've ever loved being in were with people I was really close friends with. Something about it just allows you to be totally open, honest, and upfront with everything.

Unfortunately the current band I'm in isn't that way at all. Sure the guitarist and I hang out on occasion, but he really doesn't know me (even though he likes to think he does). I consider both him and the drummer co-workers more than friends.

arbitrary · #9 09-29-2010, 11:12 PM

I've been in bad bands w/friends and great bands w/strangers; one doesn't require the other. That said I have more fun off stage w/friends.

rosanne · #10 09-29-2010, 11:45 PM

I joined a band that I didn't know anyone in and over the 4 years we've played together we have become friends.

We know quite a bit about each other, and care about each other.

I don't think I'd be happy in a band where I actively disliked someone I was playing with.

Muaguana · #11 09-29-2010, 11:49 PM

I don't really partake in any social activities with the members of either band I'm in, so it's more of a business relationship. I show up to rehearsals and gigs, play the music, and go home. Then again, I'm not fond of "hanging out" or socializing in general, even with the friends I have, so my case may not be the best example.

Rusty Chainsaw · #12 09-30-2010, 12:17 AM

From both experience and observation, bands playing originals tend to work better if all the people involved are friends, but the friendship thing seems to be less important in cover bands.

I would suggest that, for many, being in a cover band is more like a "job", and you're happy having colleagues rather than friends, whereas in an original band, you would have more of a stake in the whole thing, including the personal relationships, since the primary motivation might not necessarily be a regular gig or steady pay.

bassbrad · #13 09-30-2010, 12:17 AM

I consider myself fortunate because I am friends with most of my band mates, they are people i enjoy being around, make good music and can rely on them in a pinch: drummer and a guitar player for 30+ years most of the others for over 10 years. My wife also plays in several bands with me, we've been together for 20 years.

JulienJeff · #14 09-30-2010, 12:26 AM

we're 5 in my band. We all met through internet and after 2 years I can say we are friends. We have fun together, and we see each other outiside of practices/gigs.

thefruitfarmer · #15 09-30-2010, 12:43 AM

I was talking with a guitar teacher the other day, when I went in the local music college to put up my "bass player seeks" ad...

I have this thing about why is it that some musicians can play "in the pocket" and some can't. I have been thinking that it is something you have inside you which has to be developed when you are young - before about 16 years old.

The guitar teacher said it is more something you can develop after you are comfortable with the technical aspects of what it is you are playing - so could come at any age, in theory. The problem though is when people think they are doing it and they are not.

The thing I notice is that when everyone is playing as one then I can just feel the music. With less intuitive players I have to count independently and to some extent ignore what everyone else is doing.

What about some musicians being more intuitive in a band context than others I asked?

He reckoned this is whether someone is likely to be your friend, you will be more on their wavelength, as were.

So yeah, IME the bands where I have enjoyed myself the most and played the best music has been with friends rather than colleagues. That's the difference between a real band and going through the motions, IMO.

BartmanPDX · #16 09-30-2010, 01:05 AM

I'm good friends with everyone in the band. We play four-hour gigs, not including set up/tear down on most weekend nights. If we weren't good friends it might not be worth it -- the pay is not great, the hours are long, and the cover rock can get old if you're not into it and enjoying the other people in the group's talents.

But I enjoy hanging out with them, and we sometimes do things outside of gigging and practice even though we see each other for many hours nearly every weekend.

I would definitely enjoy gigging a LOT less if I didn't have good conversations with my bandmates while setting up, waiting for the gig to start, breaking down, etc.. I spend a lot of time with them.

JulienJeff · #17 09-30-2010, 01:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thefruitfarmer

I was talking with a guitar teacher the other day, when I went in the local music college to put up my "bass player seeks" ad...

I have this thing about why is it that some musicians can play "in the pocket" and some can't. I have been thinking that it is something you have inside you which has to be developed when you are young - before about 16 years old.

The guitar teacher said it is more something you can develop after you are comfortable with the technical aspects of what it is you are playing - so could come at any age, in theory. The problem though is when people think they are doing it and they are not.

The thing I notice is that when everyone is playing as one then I can just feel the music. With less intuitive players I have to count independently and to some extent ignore what everyone else is doing.

What about some musicians being more intuitive in a band context than others I asked?

He reckoned this is whether someone is likely to be your friend, you will be more on their wavelength, as were.

So yeah, IME the bands where I have enjoyed myself the most and played the best music has been with friends rather than colleagues. That's the difference between a real band and going through the motions, IMO.

I agree with that.
I've been playing for more than 10 years now and it's only recently (last 2 years, with my new band) that I've become a "real bassist", that I'm able to play "in the pocket".

Disraeli Gears · #18 09-30-2010, 01:14 AM

My band spawned from friendship instead of the other way around, so yes.

MadMan118 · #19 09-30-2010, 03:11 AM

I'll break it down by member since it varies greatly:
Guitarist 1: Very close we've been through a lot of stuff and we rely on each other a lot. There is a great deal of respect in our relationship.
Guitarist 2: New guy so I don't know him well, we get along well but there are rough bits my personal life's been in a bit of turmoil as of late and I think that's grinding his gears a bit
Drummer: Were good enough friends, not as close as with my guitarist. We go out drinking together a lot and I help him edit his web-comic. Though we'd be closer friends if we hung out more.

tom once dead · #20 09-30-2010, 04:05 AM

Some of my best friends are in one of my bands. The other I only really met them when I joined but I think the bridge between bandmate and friend is almost there.