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09-02-2011, 11:43 PM
|  | Esteemed Nitpicker | | Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: A Galaxy Far, Far Away | | | You tell a better joke, then ;).
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Let's give them a second chance.
Here's something I said the other day when someone commented on my limp:
"I have an appointment to see an orthopedist on Tuesday but unfortunately the referral was for an orthopedic surgeon. I'm worried they'll recommend surgery or worse-I'll actually need it."
The audience enjoys my sense of humor and is a doctor so we know they got the joke but no laugh. I think either A) I botched the delivery B) it was too dark for their taste or C) I've told them too many jokes.
Who's next?
Last edited by colcifer : 09-03-2011 at 09:39 AM.
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09-02-2011, 11:44 PM
|  | Registered User | | Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Indianapolis, Indiana | | | That joke was weak TBH. |
09-03-2011, 12:02 AM
| | Esteemed Nitpicker | | Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: A Galaxy Far, Far Away | | | Aw, thanks. |
09-03-2011, 12:13 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Central Alberta | | It's hard for me to make jokes. I always sound too serious, and neutral face normally looks angry. So I have to resort to jokes that complement it. Anti-jokes are usually good for it.
A horse walks into a bar. The patrons see the danger in the situation and slowly leave the building. Hah.
Jokes best pulled off with a deadpan face are my specialty  |
09-03-2011, 08:00 AM
|  | The Lowdown Diggler | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Huntington Beach, CA | | | What did the taxi driver say to the one legged man?
Hop in.
Your joke was worse than that. |
09-03-2011, 08:12 AM
|  | Registered User | | Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Harpers Ferry WV | | | After 3 or 4 beers I wouldn't have caught Orthopedist and Orthopedic Surgeon. Soothe audience probably processed it as the same thing.
Unless you were at an Orthopedist convention, I doubt many people caught on. Sounds like a dry Billy Crystal joke. |
09-03-2011, 08:36 AM
| | | | Couldn't find a video clip....
Stewie: I'm not going to no Jewish school! Sitting around all day with a bunch of short, hairy guys. I'll feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.
Chris: Didn't you make that joke the other day?
Stewie: Oh, yeah I just wasn't sure if everybody had... had heard |
09-03-2011, 06:27 PM
| | | | I was in Munich on business for several weeks, & had weekends to myself to sightsee, etc. One Monday, I told my German colleagues that I had found an easy way to navigate around the city. I had found a street that seemed to go all over town, so whenever I saw that sign I could find my way back to someplace familiar. The name that I kept seeing on signs all over the city was "Ein Bahn Strasse" (which means "One Way Street" in German). Not so much as a chuckle.
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"I spent ten years starving to death playing great music. I write a one-chord song about poontang and make a million dollars. What would YOU do?" - Ted Nugent
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09-03-2011, 06:30 PM
|  | Total Hyper-Elite Member | | Join Date: May 2000 Location: Groom Lake, NV | | | A guy goes to the doctor, who comes back with some bad news. "Sir, I'm afraid you have Alzheimer's." The guy says, "Well, it could be worse, I guess ... it could have been Alzheimer's."
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What is this thing called butthurt? |
09-03-2011, 06:34 PM
| | Total Hyper-Elite Member | | Join Date: May 2000 Location: Groom Lake, NV | | Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the 'possum that it could be done. (Substitute armadillo where appropriate.) 
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What is this thing called butthurt? |
09-03-2011, 07:01 PM
|  | Expendable | | Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Shreveport, Louisiana | | | A baby seal walks into a club...
__________________ Quote: |
Originally Posted by hover Sorry, some people say "ooh, how courageous..." I say "stop and hose yourself off and lose with dignity". | Quote: |
Originally Posted by Funky Ghost No argument on the internet has ever been won. They've just been demolished by a mod. | |
09-03-2011, 07:14 PM
|  | is, against all odds, still a scuba viking. | | Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Alta Loma, California | | Quote:
Originally Posted by Bloodhammer  A baby seal walks into a club... | ... and I got a kickass jacket
__________________ Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Cheese It is never the duty of the oppressed to make a bigot feel comfortable. | |
09-03-2011, 07:21 PM
|  | Superfast 2.0 | | Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: San Antonio, TX | | | An Irishman walks out of a bar |
09-03-2011, 07:28 PM
| | is, against all odds, still a scuba viking. | | Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Alta Loma, California | | Quote:
Originally Posted by SoonerMatt An Irishman walks out of a bar | now that's funny!
__________________ Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Cheese It is never the duty of the oppressed to make a bigot feel comfortable. | |
09-03-2011, 07:42 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: tulsa oklahoma | | | 4 musicians walk past a bar. . .
what?!
hey, it could happen!
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[witty signature here]
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09-05-2011, 05:58 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Leeds, UK | | | Why did the chicken hold a séance?
To get to the other side.
__________________ Quote: |
Originally Posted by Darkstrike If I kicked my dog in time to the music his cries would be better 'singing'. | |
09-05-2011, 06:15 AM
| | | | A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want any offspring that may result from this union to be raised Baptist."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks." |
09-05-2011, 07:27 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Dallas, Texas | | | A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man
behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps
on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ' And her,
what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ...
And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: ' And her, .... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..
__________________ Quote: |
Originally Posted by carlos840 Post less, search more! | |
09-05-2011, 08:10 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: (M)a$$hole. | | | An older woman leaving a store and fumbling with one too many bags, is noticed by a younger man walking in...he stops and offers to assist her to her car. After pointing the way, and as he walked slightly ahead of her she "liked what she saw" as they say, and she figured she should somehow "repay" him his kindness...but at a loss for words and terrible at innuendo, she awkwardly blurts out "I have an itchy p***y".
"Ok that's cool, just point it out... all those foreign cars look the same to me".
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Don't tell me the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the Moon.
Last edited by hover : 09-05-2011 at 08:12 AM.
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09-05-2011, 08:53 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: I'm on a Mexican wo-oh radio | | there's this guy who went shopping for a double bass
...thinking there would be two of them 
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this is a Funky Finger produccione home skillet...
how's your funkentelechy ???
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