A young blonde woman in Niagara Falls

[Barfly]

A young blonde woman in Niagara Falls was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Niagara River .

She went to the Rainbow bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love in the boat until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the captain said. 'This is the Maid of The Mist.'

[username n/a]

The Microsoft restaurant

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly isn't really there.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Then it must be the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: This is starting to sound like an incompatibility issue. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl! The same one YOU served me!

Waiter: Hmmm, that usually works. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: At this point my best advice is for you to upgrade to the latest Soup of the Day.

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

Waiter: (Leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.)

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter: Enjoy!

Waiter: (Leaves.)

Patron: Waiter! There's another fly in my soup!

Waiter: That sir, is not a fly, it is a protein feature. We have included this enhancement for free with your soup upgrade.

Patron: This is completely UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Waiter: Well, according to the license agreement printed on the back of your latest napkin, we are not liable for the disliking of our product features. I believe we can close this ticket now.

(Removes old check, and leaves a new one.)

Patron: (Reads the check)Soup of the Day $ 1.50
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $ 2.50
Access to support @ $ 5.00 per incident X 3 Incidents $15.00
Subtotal $19.00
Mandatory Gratuity (25%) $ 5.00*
Total $24.00
* Gratuity was calculated using an early Intel Pentium microprocessor

[username n/a]

Night of March 31st and blind little Timmy is getting ready to go to bed.
His Mum says to him, "If you say your prayers tonight, God might cure your blindness so you can see."
So Timmy prays and prays like he's never prayed before, he really means every word.
Next morning Timmy wakes up "Mum, Mum" he cries. "I prayed so hard last night and I'm still blind!"
His Mum comes into the room, pats him on the head and says
"April Fools!"

You and I are friends
You cry, I cry
You fight, I fight
You hurt, I hurt
You jump off a bridge, I'll ******* miss you.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into themicrophone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd,pierces the silence............."Well, ***** stop doin it then!"

[username n/a]

What's brown and sticky?







































A stick.

[Mark Wilson]

Originally Posted by Barfly

A young blonde woman in Niagara Falls was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Niagara River .

She went to the Rainbow bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love in the boat until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the captain said. 'This is the Maid of The Mist.'

AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Alcyon]

A blonde goes on a trip to Florida and decides she wants to get a pair of alligator skin boots. She walks to the market and finds an old man selling them.
"How much for a pair of these boots?"
"$1000."
"For $1000 I'll go get a pair myself!"
The old man laughs and wishes her good luck as she stomps off in rage. The next day, the old man decides to go on vacation. As he's driving out of town, he sees the blonde standing on the bank of a swamp holding a shotgun. Fascinated, he slows down to check it out. Lying next to her are three dead alligators lying belly up. Suddenly she sees another alligator in the water and shoots it square in the head, instantly killing it. She pulls it up on the bank, flips it over, and exclaims:
"DAMNIT! THIS ONE ISN'T WEARING ANY EITHER!"

[Atoz]

Originally Posted by Barfly

A young blonde woman in Niagara Falls was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Niagara River .

She went to the Rainbow bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love in the boat until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the captain said. 'This is the Maid of The Mist.'

I laughed.

*******************

A woman walks into an adult "toy" store, and asks the man behind the counter:

"How much is this tan one?"

"$75," said the man.

"How much is this brown one?"

"$125."

"How much is this giant silver one?"

"$175."

"OK, I'll take it!"

As the woman happliy walks out of the store with her new purchase, the man yells into to back room:

"Hey Harry... I just sold your thermos for $175!"

[bassybill]

Originally Posted by Atoz

I laughed.

So did I, the first time I heard it back in 1977.

[Atoz]

Originally Posted by bassybill

So did I, the first time I heard it back in 1977.

Hey... I never said it was original or anything!

[LongHairFreak]

username n/a03-19-2009, 08:57 AM
Night of March 31st and blind little Timmy is getting ready to go to bed.
His Mum says to him, "If you say your prayers tonight, God might cure your blindness so you can see."
So Timmy prays and prays like he's never prayed before, he really means every word.
Next morning Timmy wakes up "Mum, Mum" he cries. "I prayed so hard last night and I'm still blind!"
His Mum comes into the room, pats him on the head and says
"April Fools!"




Hmmm. I appreciate a good blind joke, but this one seems a bit mean.
If I knew how to work those icons, I'd put up a "scowl" or something.

[Larz48]

[BassChuck]

A blonde walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger to go".

The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library".

The blonde then says (whispers) "I'd like a cheeseburger to go".

[Alcyon]

Originally Posted by BassChuck

A blonde walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger to go".

The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library".

The blonde then says (whispers) "I'd like a cheeseburger to go".

Hahaha. That's a new one on me.

[Out_of_Toon]

A cop and a blonde are 'making love'

At the height of the action the cop says 'I love you!'

Blonde: Deeper!

Cop (one octave lower): I love you!

[Jim Nazium]

A woman is lying in bed reading. Her husband bursts through the door carrying a sheep under his arm. He says, "This is the pig I screw when you have a headache." The wife says, "That's not a pig you pervert, that's a sheep". He says, "I wasn't talking to you."

[billjr]

What do you call a boomarang that won't come back?

A stick.

[jrthebassguy]

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by Out_of_Toon

A cop and a blonde are 'making love'

At the height of the action the cop says 'I love you!'

Blonde: Deeper!

Cop (one octave lower): I love you!

Did you just turn a blonde joke into a cop joke?

[GSPLBASSDC]

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.


and in the spirit of fair play...



WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[Out_of_Toon]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

Did you just turn a blonde joke into a cop joke?

Nope, that's the way it has been told to me in the first place.

You a cop? I ain't got nuthin, man!