Long distance relationships

lloccmttocs · #1 07-08-2007, 09:37 PM

Hello everyone,

I was wondering what everyone's take on long distance relationships are. For a long tim I was a big believer of they are bad and stay away from them. Then I met this girl near Boston and I really like her. I visited her and we really hit it off well. Problem is I live an hour and a half away and am going to college next year down here in CT. I would probably want to break it off for college anyway but what does everyone have to say? Can it work?

P.S. She's a really good bass player too.

damonsmith · #2 07-09-2007, 01:01 AM

Hour and a half is not too far. The length of a relationship does not define it's quality.
I had one with an Austrian woman for about a year, that was 10hr flight + a 3hr train ride. My Current girlfriend is going to Penn for two years in 2008, two years isn't so long for an established relationship.
The problem I am having is I am just not that portable, I have enough students to make rent, and that took a good while to build up, I have good gigs and small business.
Moving would mean me getting a day job, so we decided it is not worth it for two years, even though being on the East Coast would get me some better press and more gigs in Europe.

The concept with the Austrian was that when one wanted to see the other we had to find a paying gig, so that was a productive relationship if not a long lasting one, and we are still friends.
Having my current girlfriend in Philly will mean I will be more motivated to play the east coast.
So I would try to work that. Get some gigs there (and get her some gigs near you) hang out with your bass player, focus on quality not longevity.

Kevin Hsieh · #3 07-09-2007, 02:00 AM

hey. i just got through one of those and it ended up not working out for me (girlfriend went out to college in Utah last fall). but here's my two cents:

try it and if it doesn't work out, then move on. but don't spend the length of your relationship worrying about the long distance factor of your relationship. have the best time you can with her whenever you're with her and whenever you're talking to her. if you're constantly worrying about the distance breaking you apart then it will. ignore it and accept the fact that you have to travel an hour and a half to see each other and it'll be fine.

an hour and a half is not bad at all if you can take the time to travel once every other weekend.

best of luck

Marc Piane · #4 07-09-2007, 05:46 AM

My (now) wife lived in Lithuania right after college for 9 months when we were dating. We are now happily married with two great kids.

It sounds like this relationship is in its early stages. My wife and I had been dating for about a year. We new marriage was on the horizon for us. Your situation is different.

College is a great time. There will be thousands of 18-21 year olds in close proximity. There will be situations where your relationship will be tested. If you think you have the stuff to not be tempted and break her heart in the process then try it. If it is a fleeting thing... don't torment yourself and maybe her.

Mark Latimour · #5 07-09-2007, 05:53 AM

It takes about an hour on public transport to get to my girlfirend's place (although we both live in London). Does that count?

anon_6j591b0 · #6 07-09-2007, 06:12 AM

Having spent much of my adult life on the road I've seen this many times and know it's not going to work out for you. If you aren't within walking distance and can't spend every waking moment with someone it's doomed from the beginning. You should cut your losses now and just stop calling her...she'll get the message sooner or later and you won't have to deal with any messy explanations. It's really for the best.

mcnaire2004 · #7 07-09-2007, 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lloccmttocs

P.S. She's a really good bass player too.

That is all you had to say. MAKE IT WORK!!!! If she is committed and you are it will work.

Kam · #8 07-09-2007, 10:22 AM

My current relationship of 3 years has been long distance for about a year of the relationship intermittently (1 month here, 6 months there..). It can work if you want it to, but from my experience, it's hard at your age. You're both still developing as people, not to mention the fact that music school can understandably be one of the most selfish times of a person's life. An hour and a half drive isn't that far, but it is when you consider what that time could accomplish in the practice room..

If you really care about each other, it might make more sense to be friends (if it isn't too late for that). You have your whole lives ahead of you, there's no reason you can't get together down the road.
$0.02

damonsmith · #9 07-09-2007, 11:13 AM

I kind of said it in my first post, but I think you also should re-define "working out" for this situation. Fingers success story is great, but in the case "working out" should mean plain and simply enjoying it while it lasts, and as I said a little gig exchange won't hurt.
Each relationship, personal and musical, is a learning experience you will take with you the rest of your life.

Dan1099 · #10 07-09-2007, 11:59 AM

An hour and a half is not really all that long distance. Really, it's not. I have dated girls that lived that far away, and would again, for the right one. Don't focus on the distance, focus on the girl.