Okay, it arrived...
I'm pretty angry right now - Channel 1 is a disaster. It's extremely hissy and distorted, irregardless of the settings. It keeps giving off distorted bursts and only worsens when I play a note. It's not the jacks or the knobs... something's wrong with the circuit, and I can't figure out what. I can't touch that channel at all right now... I've already contacted the seller about it, since he claimed "everything works perfectly"...
Anyhow... Channel 2 works beautifully. Well, to a degree. It's very transparent, and does a nice job of bringing up those quiet notes when I play softly. No unpleasant distortion or weird reactions or artifacts. It's not fantastic-sounding when cranked, but that's not why I bought it.
I'm still playing around with the Speed knob to adjust the attack, but it seems pretty smooth so far. I'll report back later when I toy with the extreme settings more.
The one thing that bugs me is its lack of an XLR input. Only 1/4" TS/TRS ins and outs. I was only planning on using this in amp effects loops, but having additional options for placement isn't a bad thing, and the rest of my recording setup uses XLR. Perhaps it's a good thing that one side is defective?
The only other notable issue I can see here is the noise floor. It's not bad if you don't use tweeters - pretty low, which is nice. However, if you turn up your tweeter... eek. My tweeter's already a bit noisy, but this makes it a lot worse.
It seems that it was better built for compressing at the very end of the recording chain (not in my amp's effects loop). Of course, that's the next thing I need to test...