Names Don't Mean A Thing: A Ridiculous Review of the EHX Stereo Polychorus

andvari7 · #1 10-15-2008, 06:19 PM

There is no real excuse for me waiting a whole week before I write a review - my usual lead time is later that evening. At any rate...

It was a sunny Tuesday afternoon, and I had been entering data into an Excel file for work, out of my home office. Bored, I decided to play that game that everyone plays - set up an imaginary Musicians' Friend/American Musical Supply/Music123 order. There was one item common across the majority of the spread - the Polychorus.

The Polychorus [truly] came into my life that afternoon. A blue and silver-clad vixen, running a multitude of fully analog sound modulation pieces. She caught me at a lull in my life, as every day turns out to be. I finished my second Drambuie, and ashed out. She told me to call her Polly, that she was a representative of Musicians' Friend, and that I required her services - services that would cost me a nominal one-time of $215. $215 is a fair bit of money for a single effect in my book, and this wasn't a path I was particularly eager to take again. I had to pass on Musicians' Friend's offer. AMS was a no-show, but Music123 had his own idea for prices for Polly's services - and he gave me a better deal than Musicians' Friend. "Hot dog eating contest?" I said, "I'm listening..." Armed with my MasterCard, I had to have a go with her analog ways. And, true to his word, Music123 took his 10%, gave me free next-day shipping, and lowered the price of his goods. However, there's no such thing as a pimp without an ulterior motive, and he waited to send Polly until the next morning.

Wednesday: No news from Polly. Got a speeding ticket. I'm taking the rozzes to court.

Thursday: Home from my day at the office, I needed a drink. It being 1:30, I felt drinking scotch would be a bad move. I needed something cold; something refreshing; a prescription for 23 individual flavors; a prescription only one doctor could fill. I walked to the nearby BP, armed with a giant plastic cup. Returning home, I spent the next two and a half hours outside, gathering my thoughts as I waited for Polly's chauffeur (What can brown do for you? - if only they knew). I knew I had a limited window of time before I had other people to answer to. Because I'm currently staying with my parents, I have to hide some of my activities from them, all legal and morally acceptable, I might add. But, then, off in the distance, I heard an engine. Would it be my overly-suspicious-of-my-spending mother, or would it be Polly? Gas. That's the answer. It was a gas engine. I had failed to take care of business before my family found out.

Or had I?

We'll pick that up in a few minutes. In the mean time, I've a need to top up my drink.

250GBsOfAwesome · #2 10-15-2008, 06:39 PM

Jesus, that story was tantalizing. Dear Penthouse forum...

nad · #3 10-15-2008, 06:41 PM

Dollars to donuts says this thread will be better than the "debate" tonight.

Frederickbass · #4 10-15-2008, 06:42 PM

amazing

Mr. Pickles · #5 10-15-2008, 06:49 PM

Both my Pollies were green.

JanusZarate · #6 10-15-2008, 06:51 PM

Andvari, it's not an Electric Mistress.

markjazzbassist · #7 10-15-2008, 07:20 PM

i'm hooked

RCCollins · #8 10-15-2008, 07:23 PM

can't wait for more

also, Polly is coming to my place late next week, so I'll surely have something to say and maybe even some clips

don't worry, they will be PG at worst

andvari7 · #9 10-15-2008, 07:26 PM

And I'm enjoying every minute of it, believe me.

Right, on with the story.

...Or had I?

As it turns out, no. Our normally temperamental (at best) garage door opener decided to be generous, and work. I didn't have to wait even a minute, before a big, brown Diesel monster, led down the streets of the subdivision by a middle-aged chap in shorts, parked on the curb in front of my house. He opened the door for Polly, who was wearing a brown overcoat. Sheathing her in my arms, I proceeded to the safety of my office, took her overcoat, only to find her in a white lab coat. By no means the gentleman, I took that coat (which is still on the hook behind my door), as well. I hadn't seen her in person before, which is a habit I am trying to stave off, so I could only gaze at her beauty. But, then I introduced her to the Amazing Technicolor Nightmare Pedalboard, the details of the experiences I will explore below.

THE FACE: Ain't no butterface, that's for sure. She's an Electro-Harmonix, a big city girl. It's a look that has been around since 1974 or so, but it still works. It's like platform boots, or afros (or whatever the technical name for the hairstyle is). Large, yes, but the Amazing Technicolor Nightmare Pedalboard is big enough.

THE INTERFACE: Five knobs, and one switch on top. It's a good amount of versatility, but downright tricky to get what you really need at the moment.

THE SOUND: Her voice...she must depend on it for her life. But, she is so beautiful, and her voice is so...chaotic. One minute, she sounds sultry, and the next, like a swarm of bees in my mouth. Five knobs generate nearly every modulation effect that doesn't involve rings. And, as it turns out, chorus. I guess my ideal chorus sound comes from Andy Summers, but this isn't chorus. But, strangely, I have no problem with that. In fact, I will come to rely on her graces and charms, as I have with her funky cousin, whose family name sounds like a kosher bread product I eat for breakfast regularly.

THE VALUE: There is no such thing as a free lunch. I'm even willing to go to some silly lengths to get cool stuff. It's how I used tuition rebates to buy a road bike, my six-string fretless, and the laptop on which I am writing this review at this very moment. It's also how I won a Peabody award for the NPR reading of "Who Names Their Kids Clyde Anymore? An Initial Look at the Fulltone Clyde Deluxe Wah." But, it's also why I have no friends, have never been in a stable relationship, or even an unstable one. It's why the highlight of the day I bought my laptop was not that I got a cool new MacBook, nor was the night's event (my friend had a keg at his house, and some of our buddies from a long time back were there, soon to be redeployed in Iraq); no, the highlight of that entire day was the conclusion of a 3-day marathon of my favorite non-MST3K television program (type that very phrase in, and I guarantee you will find the title), which culminated with the show's finale. But, it's not something I like to do. And, I bought it online, from Music123, which is something I also don't like to do.

So, in conclusion, Polly is staying with me for a while. Her services seem to be unique, which is always a good thing. She seems to have a problem with naming things properly - she's certainly no chorus. But, she was initially called the Echoflanger, and later the Polyflange. Polyflange is probably a better name anyway. At any rate, I made the right decision. But, it's not a decision I recommend for anybody else, because I'm not willing to share.

andvari7 · #10 10-15-2008, 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticBoo

Andvari, it's not an Electric Mistress.

Well, Boo, there is great cultural significance in the various roles of concubines, mistresses and all that good stuff. As TalkBass' resident effects pedal anthropologist, it is my duty to explore all of those avenues. You read "Gambling With Effects (Literally), OR:" did you not? You know I have a Deluxe Electric Mistress. How can you go wrong with Deluxe?

Joe Gress · #11 10-15-2008, 07:41 PM

andvari writes the best reviews on all of talkbass.

andvari7 · #12 10-15-2008, 07:44 PM

Nah, other people have more comprehensive, more, um, review-y posts. Mine are just long, and follow convention. Granted, the conventions my posts follow have absolutely nothing to do with product reviews (usually essays, but sometimes a JHE-formatted thesis), but I play it by a book. That's acceptable, isn't it?

Joe Gress · #13 10-15-2008, 07:46 PM

Ok, you write the most entertaining.

JanusZarate · #14 10-15-2008, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by andvari7

You know I have a Deluxe Electric Mistress. How can you go wrong with Deluxe?

You can't.

McHaven · #15 10-15-2008, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by joeinsprings

andvari writes the best reviews on all of talkbass.

Disagree. I'd actually like to hear about different sounds, durability, etc. You know, real ideas and facts so I can form an opinion.

How can I form an opinion on lush, useless prose?

andvari7 · #16 10-15-2008, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by McHaven

Disagree. I'd actually like to hear about different sounds, durability, etc. You know, real ideas and facts so I can form an opinion.

How can I form an opinion on lush, useless prose?

It worked for me. Nah, I guess I should try to be serious, so I present my attempt at a very short, very concise work:

Durability: The larger EHX pedals are much more reliable now than they were back when they were introduced 35 years ago. They can withstand the pressure of my feet (with 240 lbs of might backing it up). Repeatedly.

Sounds: The chorus option is a bit of a misnomer. You have to spend a lot of time fine tuning the width and rate knobs to get something resembling a traditional chorus. The flanger is pretty much self-explanatory, as is the double track. They both function quite well - I'd compare the sound of this flange function to that of the Deluxe Electric Mistress, which is a sound I like. Filter matrix is, essentially, a fixed flanger (if you adjust one of the knobs - the names escape me at the moment - you can change the point in the whoosh at which the sound is fixed). But that chorus sound...just doesn't sound like a proper chorus pedal to me.

Price: $208, from the web. Probably a bit more in the shops, and certainly more expensive outside of the US or Canada.

How is that?

mrokern · #17 10-15-2008, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by andvari7

It worked for me. Nah, I guess I should try to be serious, so I present my attempt at a very short, very concise work:

Durability: The larger EHX pedals are much more reliable now than they were back when they were introduced 35 years ago. They can withstand the pressure of my feet (with 240 lbs of might backing it up). Repeatedly.

Sounds: The chorus option is a bit of a misnomer. You have to spend a lot of time fine tuning the width and rate knobs to get something resembling a traditional chorus. The flanger is pretty much self-explanatory, as is the double track. They both function quite well - I'd compare the sound of this flange function to that of the Deluxe Electric Mistress, which is a sound I like. Filter matrix is, essentially, a fixed flanger (if you adjust one of the knobs - the names escape me at the moment - you can change the point in the whoosh at which the sound is fixed). But that chorus sound...just doesn't sound like a proper chorus pedal to me.

Price: $208, from the web. Probably a bit more in the shops, and certainly more expensive outside of the US or Canada.

How is that?

Much more boring.

Is is scary that I actually had most of that description of the sound in my head already from the prose review?

markjazzbassist · #18 10-15-2008, 08:20 PM

that was the most amazing posts i have read on TB in a LONG time. you have a gift my friend.

cheers

andvari7 · #19 10-15-2008, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrokern

Much more boring.

Is is scary that I actually had most of that description of the sound in my head already from the prose review?

Not especially. What's actually scary is the fact that I talk like this in real life. Not in a quasi-film-noir way, though that does come up quite a bit, but more of fifty random, unrelated thoughts emerging simultaneously.

Mr. Pickles · #20 10-16-2008, 08:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by andvari7

Not especially. What's actually scary is the fact that I talk like this in real life. Not in a quasi-film-noir way, though that does come up quite a bit, but more of fifty random, unrelated thoughts emerging simultaneously.

Wanna' hang?