Another "the drummer has a chick and she wants to sing in the band" thread.

lpdeluxe · #1 08-24-2011, 09:44 AM

This issue comes up periodically, and I'm hoping for some insights. We have a little rehearsal group (guitar, drums, percussion and bass) that will be playing at our local community theatre for its annual Gala, which is their way of selling season tickets (the season runs from September through May, with additional productions in the summer). It's a pretty high profile gig, our theatre having been in operation for 41 years, and generally every musician wants to stick their paw in. I've played in several Galas over the years, starting in the '80s.

We're a mature group. I'm 69 (bass, by the way), our percussionist is 63, our guitarist/lead vocalist is late 50s, and the drummer is indeterminate but has grown children. This drummer has a professional job and is a solid time keeper, if not a particularly flashy fill player (but that's why we have the percussionist!). The guitarist and I share a gigging history from being in a dance hall band; the percussionist is an actress with a considerable amount of talent. She and I are deeply involved in the theatre, she in acting and me with a 30-year history as its poster artist.

The drummer's wife LOVES to come to our get-togethers and sing her little heart out. She LOVES being there with her husband and sharing the music. She dances around and claps time and generally has a hell of a good time. If she could sing worth a flip she'd be a real asset. Alas, she screeches, and couldn't carry a tune in a sealed specimen bottle. She has determined that we need her onstage at the Gala. The percussionist and I are afraid that we will get bounced from it once the director (a demanding sort, and the person who has made the theatre the success it has been) hears her.

To complicate things, the guitarist/vocalist is a lesbian and her partner works for the drummer.

Just in case you thought things were not bad enough, the gig is Saturday and the percussionist and I will be in Austin tomorrow through Saturday afternoon. This means that we will be represented at the Friday evening run-through at the theatre by the guitarist, the drummer, and the wife.

I have suggested to the wife that perhaps she needs more seasoning before appearing in a high profile performance. Subtlety has been wasted on her -- she is totally non-self critical. And, I think, she envisions this gig as a sort of Sunday sing-along that's being held at a theatre. In short, she is humming happily to herself while she drives all of us into the path of a high-speed train.

Our last practice was last night, and I failed to think of what I now see as a "solution," which is just to tell her, in a kindly manner, that she's not ready for prime time. As an alternative, I sent a text message to the guitarist to say that to her at the run-through -- one prays that she will do it before the director hears her! The percussionist and I are both averse to getting on stage with this lady, and if worst comes to worst may bail on the gig. Unlike the others, the theatre is our home in a lot of ways, and we're unwilling to be seen as crapping in our own nest.

Any ideas? Extra points for solutions that aren't mean, sarcastic or brutal.

tdub0199 · #2 08-24-2011, 09:48 AM

Tell her point blank... You are NOT part of the Band....

CanadianFunk · #3 08-24-2011, 09:49 AM

Get the drummer to talk to his woman? I don't really know what you can say to her without hurting her feelings, but good luck and I hope it all works out for you :/

JHAz · #4 08-24-2011, 09:51 AM

Can you ecord her and let her hear how she sounds for herself? "You know, in my experience, we never sound to the audience like we do in our heads. Thought you might find this helpful." Maybe she would get the point then . . .

T-MOST · #5 08-24-2011, 09:53 AM

Tell the drummer you don't have room for a Yoko Ono in the band. Seriously, Can she sing? If she can "maybe" you can have her do a few songs in the set. That is of course until she breaks up with the drummer! If not just tell him the rest of the band isn't interested.

lpdeluxe · #6 08-24-2011, 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JHAz

Can you record her and let her hear how she sounds for herself? "You know, in my experience, we never sound to the audience like we do in our heads. Thought you might find this helpful." Maybe she would get the point then . . .

We didn't have time to record any of it. Too much other stuff going on, and we rehearse at the guitarist's home. We recorded on my Korg there once, and it was a real challenge. You are right, though, that strategy would have been my first choice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by T-MOST

Tell the drummer you don't have room for a Yoko Ono in the band. Seriously, Can she sing? If she can "maybe" you can have her do a few songs in the set. That is of course until she breaks up with the drummer! If not just tell him the rest of the band isn't interested.

No, she can't sing. If she could sing I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of posting.

And, we're limited to three songs -- there will be probably 10 acts, including dramatic readings and the performance of show tunes (another way of saying that quality expectations are high). And I doubt that mentioning Yoko would do anything positive.

Mojo-Man · #7 08-24-2011, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T-MOST

Tell the drummer you don't have room for a Yoko Ono in the band. Seriously, Can she sing? If she can "maybe" you can have her do a few songs in the set. That is of course until she breaks up with the drummer! If not just tell him the rest of the band isn't interested.

The drummer has to know what going on ?
If she is ok, just let her sing a few songs.
I like the two songs and off rule.
Alway let her know she is a guest, not a band member.

CanadianFunk · #8 08-24-2011, 10:12 AM

Tell her that this is a really important gig for your band and that you'll let her sing at a more casual one.

Or tell her the gig contract specifies 4 members and your hands are tied :P

scottbass · #9 08-24-2011, 10:13 AM

There is no easy solution. The drummer will not tell her to get off the stage. You and the percussionist will just have to stand firm on this one. Given the short time-frame, there is no possibility of gentle coercion. You and the percussioninst will just have to deliver the ultimatum: her or us.

Good luck!

Depth_Charge · #10 08-24-2011, 10:49 AM

If its a PA-supported gig you could always bury her so deep in the FOH mix that she can't be heard. Not a solution to the problem by any stretch, but if madam insists...

rtslinger · #11 08-24-2011, 10:50 AM

I would say you approached the Director with the idea of her sharing the stage and he/she said no! That is the one controlling the situation anyway throw it on him or her when the Director says no it is pretty much no.

Waffles and Scotch · #12 08-24-2011, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rtslinger

I would say you approached the Director with the idea of her sharing the stage and he/she said no! That is the one controlling the situation anyway throw it on him or her when the Director says no it is pretty much no.

+1

dvh · #13 08-24-2011, 11:13 AM

Let it happen? the train wreck fiasco will ensure the issue never comes up again and your credibility with the director can dealt with through" damage control"...

bassbrizzle · #14 08-24-2011, 11:14 AM

I've found when you've got something good going, friends and others around you want part of that success or fun that you have. My group has been struggling to find ways to tell people no. Most of it relies on a sort of camaraderie within the group. We kind of let them down easy by saying something like "the band is complete with just us four and if we tried to add anything else it would kinda take away from our group dynamics etc etc"

carl h. · #15 08-24-2011, 11:15 AM

Do 3 instrumental tunes, and let her dance in the percussion area.

Or try this:
Instrumental tune #1
Instrumental tune #2
Tequila featuring our fabulous vocalist...

Let her be a one hit wonder.

Gaius46 · #16 08-24-2011, 11:29 AM

How'd she go from "dancing around and enjoying the music" to singing with the band?

If she's that bad you should have outright killed the idea the minute she didn't get the hints you dropped. Now she's probably anticipating doing this gig and her feelings are going to be hurt a lot worse that they would have otherwise been.

Last rehearsal was probably the last best place to do that. Dumping it all on the guitar player seems hugely unfair to her too - especially since the sense from you post is that she (the guitar player) isn't as upset about it as you and the percussionist.

Marko5657 · #17 08-24-2011, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gaius46

How'd she go from "dancing around and enjoying the music" to singing with the band?

If she's that bad you should have outright killed the idea the minute she didn't get the hints you dropped. Now she's probably anticipating doing this gig and her feelings are going to be hurt a lot worse that they would have otherwise been.

Last rehearsal was probably the last best place to do that. Dumping it all on the guitar player seems hugely unfair to her too - especially since the sense from you post is that she (the guitar player) isn't as upset about it as you and the percussionist.

Yes, this is unfortunate…

Someone is going to have to be brutal, or maybe the ideas mentioned about the contract being strictly the four, or making the director the bad guy.

Tough situation… best of luck.

lpdeluxe · #18 08-24-2011, 01:21 PM

Good ideas. I'm not "dumping it all on the guitar player," who realized that, after she invited the wife to join us, that the wife thought it was for ever after. I've been exchanging texts with the guitarist and she knows the score. I walked into a situation she created.

And all the suggestions about letting her sing only particular songs or changing up the material: get real. I'll say it again: she is incapable of singing in tune and she screeches. We are doing Me & Bobbie McGee, Runaway and Love Potion #9. Fun stuff, if someone isn't crapping all over it.

We're not a "serious" band. I'm too old to be playing dances at 2:00 am; but several of us, at least, are very serious about our music. The suggestion about dropping her out of sight in the mix is our last resort. Should another gig come up, I may find myself telling her "you weren't prepared the last time and we don't want to take a chance again." This will be true, because she has no sense that music requires preparation. She's just happy to be with her hubby doing what he loves. (It occurs to me that we used to call such women "barnacles," but that's another subject.)

carl h. · #19 08-24-2011, 01:31 PM

Can she be volunteered to be doing something else at that time?

Tampabass · #20 08-24-2011, 01:46 PM

Not sure why it's so complicated. If she's terrible, and that bothers you (as it should), you and the other band members who feel the same way should tell her and the drummer, in person not by other methods, that you don't want her singing with the band. So what if it causes a band break-up.

Better than the alternative - playing in a band with a terrible singer. Right? If she's terrible, but it doesn't bother you that much, then don't say anything.