Anyone ditch the band for the family?

[Bergerdude]

Hey,
I'm 41...been in bands all my life.
To cut to the chase, has anyone (who does not rely on music for a living), with small kids, and is out of town alot....still in a band? Or have you just realized what's important and given it up, at least temporarily??

Sorry if this is too philosophical for this forum!

More back story below...
For a year I have been finding auditions for both my old drummer and myself.
I have turned down 4 bands out of (misplaced) loyalty to my old drummer.

So here I am, starting over in a band, but starting from scratch. Over the last year I have realized my drummer is out for himself, and the friend's band I got us in....has turned into the most self-absorbed a-hole. These personality issues, coupled with the work and expense of starting a band again...has me contemplating the fork in the road.
The A-hole is single at 42 and the drummer's kids are in HS.

Anyway there has always been stress juggling work and the band (although the last one was together for 6 years). Now that I have a 4 and a 6 year-old, taken with my job in which I am out of town 5 days a week....I just wonder *** I am doing?

I love to play out, and gig. But finding time to practice, and be with the family and keep up with the house (have a basement to finish), etc. seems like I am just in an endless rat-race.

It's depressing really. I would like to do everything, but I wonder if I have a problem setting priorities and saying "no."

It seems everyone I know my age in a band is either still single, divorced (kids on every other weekend), work at home, or their kids are babies or teenagers.

Thoughts?

[One Bad Monkey]

There are going to be a lot of thoughts on both spectrums; guys that gladly put their band plans on hold, and those that made it work for them and their family. Ultimately, only you can really decide what's right for you.

That said, if I was out of town 5 days a week for the regular job, I'd probably forego another thing on the weekend (in this case, a band rehearsal) to spend the 2 days at home with my family.

My wife and I have had this type of discussion right now. I have a day job, but am in two groups and also play at every musical theatre in town. Gigging is almost half of my income, so while I can't easily just say "Okay, I'm done until my daughter (due in March) is older," I can make some decisions about what gigs I do and don't take.

One example is taking a lesser paying gig at a theatre that's much closer to home than a better paying, out of town gig. It would result in an extra two hours at home every night over an extra $15. It's a juggling thing, and again, only you can really say what's best for you, and what's best for the kids.

[fourfinger]

I'm about ten years older than you, and my kids are about ten years older than yours now. I always put family first, but managed to remain in bands. It was not always easy but never impossible.

Be sure to communicate yourself in an assertive but non-combative way regarding your time limitations. The severity of your time constraints might not be as obvious to the others as you think it should be.

One way to save time is to insist that ALL material be agreed upon in advance, practiced at home, and then only played at rehearsal when everyone says they are ready.

This is to prevent massive wasted time at rehearsals. You might be surprised how many bands don't do this, but if yours is one of them you'll need to get that corrected to maintain your sanity or find a better band for you.

[ciudadmarron]

My band broke up a few months before my first daughter was born... so I didn't quit for the sake of the family exactly but I know I'd have found something else if it wasnt for her and now her younger sister. Rehearsals, last minute gigs, weekends away... just too difficult for our situation - plus I don't want to be the person in the band saying "nope" all the time.

Difference for me is I'm relatively young (20s still) - in a few years when the kids are older I know I'll be able to get back into it. Doesn't stop the itch but eases it a little. One of my mates who is in his 40s now had kids very young... when they were teenagers he started learning sax with his daughter - now they've finished school, he's playing most weekends and puts someone like me to shame... that's the living inspiration i suppose!

[KsToaDangr]

i'm a single father of a four year old. for the most part, i've had to put music on the back burner. i plan to buy some recording equipment when i have the spare cash, and make some home demos. for me, music has never really been about the money, it's more about having fun and playing than it is about getting paid. that said, i will always put my son before anything else.

[Dr. Eagle]

I quit playing music and stored my basses and amps for about 14 years while my kids were small up until they got into high school. I have been playing in bands ever since starting over. You have all the same pressures with work and personalities. Its hard to find people like yourself that is a professional in a day job that will take that professionalism to the music you all want to make. My band today is a bunch of guys just like me that work in technical fields but are also amazing musicians. We took it to the level of being a pick up band for a concert at a local baseball stadium in front of 10000 plus people in support of some reasonably large marquis players (Terry Sylvester of the Hollies for one). We formed our Who Tribute band from this show and have been running with it ever since. Starting over can be a great experience.

[Johnny Crab]

VERY similar story to Dr. Eagle's.
Played music from 1965~1989 in the New Orleans area.

In 1989 I quit bands, sold everything, and moved the family from Louisiana to Texas for engineering employment. I did family, home maintenance, and work for 16 years while children "grew up" and made it a point to have vacation hours for those important events in their lives. EXTREMELY worth it.

At some point in that time period, I got a Behringer POD and a cheap P-bass clone from a pawnshop just to do something with music and my hands WHEN I had spare time(not much of it when, at one point, 6 children were around).

In 2006 I got an email from a guitarist I'd played with in NOLA, who was now in Houston, asking me if I could learn about 100 songs in a month because they fired their old bassist. So I did. Last two children were in high school band and really understood/appreciated seeing "Dad" spend hours practicing at home. Made it a point to BE SURE that this band also had members with children and families and not a "rock star, we're gonna conquer the world, and want YOUR TIME" kind of band. Since we'd all been in or played music for decades, songs are learned alone/at home and rehearsals are very rare.

Yes, did ditch band for family.
Even recently(July 2010), an email came in about a gig in California in September 2010 for a couple we'd met. I had to decline because it was on the same weekend as my 3rd son's college graduation in south Florida. The band understood and got a sub for the gig.

I've met more than one person(musician fulltime or part-time) who chose otherwise and seem to have major regrets. 16 years of gigs I may have missed or $$$$ in no way compare to investing in your children's lives while you still can.

PS: partly because of children seeing Dad do bass while they were in high school band, son # 3 did marching band bassist(wireless) his senior year and placed 3rd in Texas UIL Jazz Band bassist competition. Daughter(youngest) is bassist in college jazz band where the instructor loaned her a vintage, neck-thru Aria Pro II! She got a Behringer POD for Christmas so she can practice in her dorm in headphones...like Dad did when she was in high school.

[jsolberg]

Have a meeting with yourself, find out what your priorities and talent level are, and make the decision. If you're not making a living from music now, the chances are the right decision is to go with family and career.

In the early 1980's the weekend band I was in wanted to go more professional. More gigs, farther from home, write our own tunes. I assessed my priorities AND my level of talent and decided that was not the way to go and focused on my career. I was still single at the time. It was certainly the right move.

I kept a toe in the water by playing in musicals for our local theater group.

When I was about to turn 50 I got a call from an old band mate about doing a few open mike nights together. One thing led to another and now we have a band that plays once or twice a month. It does not take a lot of time, I'm playing and singing better than ever. It's a lot more fun and satisfying with less pressure and more maturity.

[steve_rolfeca]

I put music on hold for nearly 10 years when my kids were young. The family time was more important to me than the lost income.

Music was still there when I got back, and I'm still going strong almost thirty years later.

[fenderhutz]

Yes and no. I gave up trying to play original music and all of hassles that come with it. I now play in a cover project when I can go over songs when it's convenient for me and the gigs we play I am typically only missing 1 hour of awake time with the kids for them. The deal I have with the wife is no matter what time I walk in the door, when 730am rolls around when the boys (3 and 5) want to play with daddy I have to get motivated. I found a band that only gigs 2-3 times per month and it gets me doing what I like to do. Play bass.

[cableguy]

I've givin up a few bands over the years for the "family". It's been tough but I've never regretted it. There are times I miss certian things but I figure I will play until I die. So time is on my side. (Hopefully) I've given up on being a rock star long ago so I play for fun and a few dollars here and there.

[duff beer]

Originally Posted by Bergerdude

It seems everyone I know my age in a band is either still single, divorced (kids on every other weekend), work at home, or their kids are babies or teenagers.

Thoughts?

The three other guys in our band all have wives and kids. We still manage to rehearse 3-4 times a month and gig occasionally. It's no different than people who bowl or play hockey once a week...people need to get out with their friends every now and then and have a life outside of the family.

Family does come first, but you also need a balance of other interests in your life.

[Marginal Tom]

I quit for family and work reasons in 1982, and didn't play again until 2005, two years after my wife died. (I had to do something to get myself out of the house.) I now wish I'd gotten back to it earlier, after my youngest finished school. But I've never regretted quitting when I did.

[RustyAxe]

There's a time and season for everything. Got a family? Do they depend on your music for their support? If yes and no, then your first priority is them. If you're away 5 days a week, that leaves precious little time for them. You can always play again in a few years (hell, I'm 57 and playing in bands and solo) ... you'll never a get another chance to do right by your wife and kids.

[tycobb73]

I started playing again while my wife was pregnant with our first child. I had taken a few years off to collect some degrees, four of them. My kids are three and five now. I find the band takes away from family very little. I practice with headphones once they are in bed. Rehearsals extend into bedtime hours. Shows are bedtime hours. Its a little tough getting up at seven on sunday after you're going on your second night of four hours sleep, but I can do it.

[pasta4lnch]

fwiw, my story is: I'm a full time musician. I do lots of stuff - make an ok living. It was good enough for me - some times things were good, others . . . well not so good. I hit a particularly bad spell a few years back (which thankfully I'm starting to climb out of) during which I met an amazing woman, got married and now have a bun in the oven. . .

I just enrolled back in school after 10 years to study for a gig at a hospital. It's good $$ and I'll probably only work 3 days a week at it. I'll still be doing music the other 4 but I dont want my family to wear the bad spells. It was a tough choice, but I got to live my dream for 10 years. Now it's time for a family . . . if I'm lucky the two will co-exsist

[DiabolicLow B]

I am 40 with a new baby last year, our guitarist has a 6 year old and a 1 year old, our drummer has a 9 year old and a 12 year old and we continue to do 4-5 gigs per month on average with full time day jobs.

Communication with your family is the key, they know how much we love what we do and support us fully, plus the extra cash helps quite a bit.

I also know that if i ever stopped playing completley I would be miserable.

[bluewine]

I wold think a 4 and 6 year old are more important than playing in a workin band.

I guess if you are one of these guys that married a woman that understands musicians, it might be easier to deal with.

[duff beer]

Originally Posted by bluewine

I wold think a 4 and 6 year old are more important than playing in a workin band.

I guess if you are one of these guys that married a woman that understands musicians, it might be easier to deal with.

Kids are more important than most things...but that doesn't mean you have to quit everything because you have them. Many people have kids and still have their hobbies, they manage to work out, they do home renos, they bowl once a week, etc...why is a band any different?

It's all a matter of time management and balance.

[Bergerdude]

I appreciate all the perspectives. It helps a lot.

If I was not out of state for 5 days a week, certainly it would be an easier situation.

It helps hearing others situations and ideas!