babies and kids

[runmikeyrun]

I have a 3 1/2 year old girl. Our drummer's girlfriend just went in today to have a baby. I am wondering how the future of our band is going to turn out. I don't have unrealistic expectations- i know from experience that there's going to be some time away from practice and such in the first few months of a new baby. I also know that if you schedule things correctly it CAN be done. I'm just wondering for those of you in bands who have kids what makes it easier for you to still practice, play out, write, and record. Any tips are appreciated!

P.S. my daughter plays guitar and has a full size drumset but so far no bass... i think she has some more growing to do

[Howlin' Hanson]

How things turn out for you depends on many factors. Is music your main source of income, or is it a hobby? Is your spouse supportive, or will she/he ask you to be home more? Does your band leader check with everyone about 'blocked' dates on which no job will be booked? Do you plan to tour? How will funding your child's higher education impact your gear budget?

And it's not just you, it's your bandmates. Are their situations similar, or is one member eager to make it big, while another may not stay if the band creates inconvenience in that member's home life? It's best to have common goals for the band, and good honest communication and organization.

Here's an example. All the members of our band are in our 50's with the exception of the drummer. He's real good. However, he has a pretty intense job, two young children, and is taking classes toward his PhD. Unlike the rest of us whose kids are older and who see no real advantage to a PhD for ourselves, his schedule is so full that when a job comes up on short notice, he bails. He also cuts half the practices (but that does allow us to work on vocals).

And he is pretty private, if not secretive. He should have let us know to block a date, and when a job came up he was not exactly truthful about why he might not be able to make it. We decided not to take a chance on a no-show, so we subbed the job out, and then he told us the real conflict, which was a family party (rather than the impending death of a fellow officer). Now we are looking for an older player. We hate to lose him, but we hate to turn down gigs as well.

At any rate, I hope your kids are a joy, and you are able to make as much music as your familly will allow!

[IanStephenson]

I've got two kids under 3. It's tough, but doing ANYTHING is tough. Getting out to a gig, and having a few hours playing where the only thing I think about is PLAYING helps keep me sane. Every other waking momment is a juggling act of where I need to be, where I should be, and when I'm going to find time to do the things I should be doing. At a gig I HAVE to do what I'm doing, and pretty much nothing can interupt it, so I can actually get on and do it. It's my night off as a parent, and you do need that.

the basic rules are:

No more than one gig a week (sometimes broken, but it's a good rule). Agreeing and keeping to a sensible amount of time helps avoids conflict.
I (try to) put the kids to bed before I head out to gigs.
Wife gets a cut of gig money handed over as her "spend on fun stuff" money. After all she's been stuck at home.

It's hard, but no doing it would be harder...

[DGbass70]

I find that the main thing you need is support from your significant other then time.
It takes some work to be able to manage your time wisely but it can be done.As far as the band goes i think you guys need to talk it out and see what happens.

[Stumbo]

A lot of people take time off to raise their kids and do the family thing. It kinda sneaks up on you and then you don't know where the time went. But, hey, there's always the "Returning Bassists" club.

[Moe Monsarrat]

I raised 4 kids playing bass & singing the whole time. My wife worked all day & I took care of the kids. At night I went out & worked. Sleep? Forget it till they go to school. Like was mentioned before, a lot of it depends on your spouse. I always told mine that she knew what I was when she signed up. Of course, we aren't married anymore but all the kids are grown. It can be done.

[Rick Auricchio]

Originally Posted by runmikeyrun

Our drummer's girlfriend just went in today to have a baby.

Now that there's a child, his life may get even busier as they decide whether marriage provides more security for the child. Not to mention all the other time committments that a baby needs. If she was working, there may be a period where she can't work, and he'll have to pick up the slack.

I also know that if you schedule things correctly it CAN be done.

Yes, but if you presume others are able to schedule their time, you will be very disappointed. Many people just can't do it.

[fitz420]

i have a 15 month old and i'm having another next month. i still play 100+ shows per year, although i admit i wouldn't be able to do it if the money wasn't good. we now rely on this "2nd" income, and it keeps me balanced mentally. i would recommend everyone have a reliable sub so when real life issues like a sick child/wife come into play, dates dont need to be cancelled. my band worked around the date my wife and i scheduled in june for her C section. my wife and I scheduled it for a monday so i could "work" the weekend before and the weekend after. my band agreed to only book shows within a 50 mile radius for both weekends.

[txbasschik]

A small network of reliable, affordable, and *good* sitters is *essential*!!! I use the teen daughters of musician colleagues in the area. They are prepared to watch the little ones until very late. Others...sitters who are not familiar with musician schedules...balk at the late hours.

My daughter is ten now, so along with those sitters, I offer her friends' parents a night out, their daughter can stay with us, in trade for them keeping my girl when I have a gig. That helps a lot, too.

Kids have a hard time understanding why mom or dad's work takes them away at night. They are in school all day, and then a parent is gone at night. Make sure you give your child plenty of time...in the morning, the afternoon, any time you are not playing. It helps them feel proud of what you do, and feel loved and cared about at the same time.

As they get older, you'll have scheduling conflicts. They'll have a recital or a ball game, and you've got a gig or rehearsal or studio time. Compromise. Make sure you attend at least half of their events. If you don't, they'll think you don't care what they do. If you have to skip a not-so-important gig, or a routine rehearsal, skip it. Your kid comes first.

The Toadies, just as they became hit-makers, had a spate of births in the band. They took off for years. Due to demand, they began having a yearly reunion show. It has exploded into a three-night run, and an ACL appearance this year.

So...make really good music, and no one will forget you while you are home being Daddy!

Cherie

[Michelob_64]

Originally Posted by txbasschik

Kids have a hard time understanding why mom or dad's work takes them away at night. They are in school all day, and then a parent is gone at night. Make sure you give your child plenty of time...in the morning, the afternoon, any time you are not playing. It helps them feel proud of what you do, and feel loved and cared about at the same time.

So true!! From my second marriage I have 3 kids, 7, 4, 13 months. One thing we do after a gigging weekend is breakfast somewhere, it’s their reward for letting daddy go out & play. Best place of all to eat breakfast?!?!?!? Any guessers?!?!?!? McDonald’s of all places, lol. My 7 year old told me it was the best breakfast ever, but I think he was heavily influenced by the in house playground. Sure it’s hard to be up & functional before 9am after getting home at 4 or 5am, but the kids are happy and now it’s become a ritual.

They also come down to the basement with me when I practice, we sing, have fun, etc. My 4 year old beats on the Rock band drum set like he’s jamming along with me. My old band used to practice in my basement and my kids looked forward to it because they got to see what daddy did at night. Plus, the other guys in the band had them help with plugging in cords, etc. My 4 year old used to ask “when are your friends coming over to practice.”

But as many have said before, it can only happen if you have the sull support of your family. My wife is my band pimp, selling me out for all the cash she can get, lol. But's all good, I have fun anyway!

[D Rokk]

the only real problem you may run into is when some members of the band have children and some dont.. a rift can grow due to a lack of understanding between the two groups

[Knifedge]

Originally Posted by IanStephenson

the basic rules are:

No more than one gig a week (sometimes broken, but it's a good rule). Agreeing and keeping to a sensible amount of time helps avoids conflict.
I (try to) put the kids to bed before I head out to gigs.
Wife gets a cut of gig money handed over as her "spend on fun stuff" money. After all she's been stuck at home.

It's hard, but no doing it would be harder...

That is exactly what I do... I work full time, so I don't really need the gig money. I split it with my wife, and I save the rest incase GAS happens. Other than that, she has been amazingly understandable with this. We just had our second child on April 20th (a girl) and we also have a 2 year old boy, so it can get a bit busy. On the last month before birth, no practices, no gigs for our band. Band members were understanding (they all have kids). The tricky part was the C-section, which left my wife unable to do anything but breast feed for about 3 weeks after the birth. I was far too busy at home to notice that I wasn't gigging. Once she started getting around easily, we resumed booking.

[txbasschik]

Originally Posted by Michelob_64

So true!! From my second marriage I have 3 kids, 7, 4, 13 months. One thing we do after a gigging weekend is breakfast somewhere, it’s their reward for letting daddy go out & play. Best place of all to eat breakfast?!?!?!? Any guessers?!?!?!? McDonald’s of all places, lol. My 7 year old told me it was the best breakfast ever, but I think he was heavily influenced by the in house playground. Sure it’s hard to be up & functional before 9am after getting home at 4 or 5am, but the kids are happy and now it’s become a ritual.

They also come down to the basement with me when I practice, we sing, have fun, etc. My 4 year old beats on the Rock band drum set like he’s jamming along with me. My old band used to practice in my basement and my kids looked forward to it because they got to see what daddy did at night. Plus, the other guys in the band had them help with plugging in cords, etc. My 4 year old used to ask “when are your friends coming over to practice.”

But as many have said before, it can only happen if you have the sull support of your family. My wife is my band pimp, selling me out for all the cash she can get, lol. But's all good, I have fun anyway!

Ayup! That sacrifice of a few hours of sleep is worth it, to have that breakfast together, or watch a movie together, or any other little thing...so long as you are together. We can sleep later.

My daughter doesn't enjoy our music (*not* a rock fan), so I go out of my way to learn some of her favorite tunes. Which has the effect of influencing her pop tastes, away from the Britney Spears of the world, and towards the Gwen Stephanis. She likes the newer country stuff, too.

I got her one of those video games where she can sing along. I learned the basslines to the tunes, and she is delighted when I play along to the track as she sings. Its great fun!

She is working on Kelly Clarkson's "Behind These Hazel Eyes" for her school talent show. She has picked up my practice habits, and is being very diligent. She asked her music teacher if she could have Mommy and Daddy and a couple of their colleagues play the song live, but the school doesn't want a band unless its the kids, and, you know, they're in 5th grade, so...she couldn't get a band together in time that had enough skill to play the song.

So, I got her a karaoke track to sing to. Cool of her to want a live band instead, though! Maybe she'll start her own in middle school.

Spend the time, y'all. It pays off, in ways you won't even see until later, and you'll be glad you made the investment.

Cherie

[txbasschik]

Originally Posted by D Rokk

the only real problem you may run into is when some members of the band have children and some dont.. a rift can grow due to a lack of understanding between the two groups

True. Neither of my bandmates have kids, and most others I have worked with, their kids are grown or nearly so, or they never had kids.

Its a balancing act. Because they're mine, I walk the line!

Cherie

[jtrow]

I think the most important thing is to make sure they know that they come first in your life. As long as they know that, everything will work out fine.

[Relic]

I'm in 3 bands and have 3 kids. In all 3 bands, every member has kids.
It can be done, trust me. You just need to manage your time well, set aside family-only time and realize that there will be times when it gets tough but family always takes first priority.

[Hutch1]

Speaking of the wonders of kids, look up Robert Ellis Orrall's "Everyday When I Get Home" on Youtube. Not necessarily my type of music, but I love the song and particularly the lyrics. And I never would have known it existed had I not been searching for his duet with Carlene Carter, "I Couldn't Say No." (How many have heard of that one??)

[jmorbita]

I have a 9 months old baby. What's most difficult for me is to find time to practice. As has been said, i think the key is to have a well organized schedule.
I don't have a steady job (i'm an actor and musician...) so i get to spend a lot of time with my daughter, which is great, but we live in a small apartment and so i don't have much space for practicing. As soon as my baby hears or sees my bass she comes crawling to me and wants to start playing... lately i'm mostly playing in rehearsals and do very little practicing at home. Hopefully soon we'll be moving to a bigger place and then i'll be able to have some practice space.

[Bongolation]

I'm sure they have other compensations, but families are death to a serious musician -- in my personal experience and disinterested observation, which are considerable.

Not so much if he has a lot of money, or if he totally ignores (or delegates) his familial obligations, which -- let's face it -- successful musicians routinely do. Or both.

But...you already have the kid, so good luck on this.

My advice:

Try to keep the family and parenthood separate from your band business in all ways. Don't use family or parenthood as an explanation or excuse to the band for anything you do or fail to do. They don't care, it's not their problem and they don't want to hear it. Above all, to do so reflects badly on you.

Nobody wants to hear you whine about how you can't because you had to take the kid to soccer practice, etc., etc.

And just because nobody says anything about it to your face doesn't mean it's cool. It's not.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen this stuff slowly kill a band with "the death of a thousand cuts," because one or more members won't make up their minds to either be in a band or be Superdad when they obviously can't do both...and waste more time and energy with daddy excuses that they think mean anything to anyone else.

Worst of all is being like a guy I personally know who uses imaginary familial obligations to just get out of doing anything he doesn't want to do. He goes into this horrible whining about how he would, but he has to go to a wedding or some other such crap. Eventually, I started catching him in lies with this stuff. Whining about his family obligations was just a shuck to keep him from having to say "no" -- more passive-aggressive musician BS.

[vagus]

One of the only reasons my band exist is because a family dynamic with the band mates, all but one has a kid(s) and the odd one out is an Uncle of the drummers kids. Practices are opportunities for the kids and wifes to play and talk bad about us.

You have to have the understanding and support of your wife. You have to have someone of a regular schedule. And you have to suck up.. a lot.. Knifedge's policy of handing over gig money works wonders.