band relations and newly-married members

led3 · #1 01-02-2013, 12:11 PM

has anyone had a similar story to this: band member is totally committed to band, band member meets girl, band member falls in "love", band member gets married, band member disengages from band (but still plays gigs)?

we're an original 3-piece, indie rock band. all members are now married. the member in question is the last of the 3 to get married. since his engagement, he started dropping things (his own practice regiment, for example) and once it got into full throttle, he started dropping finding gigs, songwriting (for the most part, he seems content rewriting lyrics to past songs to fit his current "situation") and lately, we are at his whim on band rehearsals. we have allowed this situation to fester to a point where either the band will splinter or require a new band member to replace the old one.

in order to avoid splintering/releasing any said member, any constructive advice on the subject? our band is a band of equals and we would like to keep it that way. unfortunately, our track record of keeping each other "accountable" is a little spotty lately. thanks!

jonas_24112 · #2 01-02-2013, 01:11 PM

Disengaging usually means they are looking for a way out, but don't want to leave the band hanging.

Biggbass · #3 01-02-2013, 01:11 PM

This is one of the oldest scenarios of being in a band. Some work it out, some don't.

Kmonk · #4 01-02-2013, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jonas_24112

Disengaging usually means they are looking for a way out, but don't want to leave the band hanging.

Not necessarily. It could be that he realizes that now that he is married, his primary obligation is to his wife and the band is secondary. If this is the case he has his priorities in order.

I would suggest having a band meeting.

the yeti · #5 01-02-2013, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by led3

has anyone had a similar story to this: band member is totally committed to band, band member meets girl, band member falls in "love", band member gets married, band member disengages from band (but still plays gigs)?

we're an original 3-piece, indie rock band. all members are now married. the member in question is the last of the 3 to get married. since his engagement, he started dropping things (his own practice regiment, for example) and once it got into full throttle, he started dropping finding gigs, songwriting (for the most part, he seems content rewriting lyrics to past songs to fit his current "situation") and lately, we are at his whim on band rehearsals. we have allowed this situation to fester to a point where either the band will splinter or require a new band member to replace the old one.

in order to avoid splintering/releasing any said member, any constructive advice on the subject? our band is a band of equals and we would like to keep it that way. unfortunately, our track record of keeping each other "accountable" is a little spotty lately. thanks!

if they can't hold up their end they have to go. are they "unreplacable" or is it the emotional connection holding you back? if it's the former i got nothing, for the latter i say your connection will be more likely to stay intact if you seperate before things turn ugly.

Biggbass · #6 01-02-2013, 01:33 PM

is her name Yoko?

longfinger · #7 01-02-2013, 02:19 PM

That sounds like normal growing up. Did the two of you do the same thing when you got married and did not notice? Perhaps, now it's his turn?

Now that you're all married, it is time to think of the band not as a young man's fantasy, but of as mature man's reality. The 'band experience' has to change and grow up to so that it is still relevant to you all now. It won't be the same experience as it was 10 years ago. That's no longer relevant.

Get together, the three of you and talk about it. Find out what you all really want and need right now. (What you want, and what you really want, are not often the same.) Then work with that.

led3 · #8 01-02-2013, 02:20 PM

in my opinion, no one is "unreplaceable", to use the term mentioned above. that said, being a band of equals, it is expected that everyone be working, whether it is on their own specific chops, songwriting, recording, band business, etc. priorities aside (again, we are all married and have the same priorities -- some of us are navigating it better than others), i did consider the disengagement a form of slow closure; however, it seems like he wants to go out and play -- just not do the other stuff (hence -- the problem).

led3 · #9 01-02-2013, 02:29 PM

so far -- all good replies (even the yoko one -- she is not named yoko and honestly she isn't directly contributing to the situation). imo, i think the band member is overcorrecting with respect to his new wife (for instance, once-regularly scheduled practices are now subject to approval).

i'd like to have a meeting, but honestly, the band member in question is really good at addressing issues. i think there are some deep-seeded issues between the other two members.

ThatBassBoy · #10 01-02-2013, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Biggbass

is her name Yoko?

just be sure they don't start their own band. :P

Raymeous · #11 01-02-2013, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by longfinger

That sounds like normal growing up. Did the two of you do the same thing when you got married and did not notice? Perhaps, now it's his turn?

Now that you're all married, it is time to think of the band not as a young man's fantasy, but of as mature man's reality. The 'band experience' has to change and grow up to so that it is still relevant to you all now. It won't be the same experience as it was 10 years ago. That's no longer relevant.

Get together, the three of you and talk about it. Find out what you all really want and need right now. (What you want, and what you really want, are not often the same.) Then work with that.

^ BINGO!!

ma4rk · #12 01-02-2013, 04:23 PM

He's being p*ssy whipped... one band we had that happen to our guitarist when he got married - we had the band meeting & parted ways with him on good terms. 18 months later he realised he wasn't feeling fulfilled as a person as he'd given up playing for his wife - so he joined a new band - his wife ended up appreciating it as his new band got him out of the house for a few hours each weekend giving her some space to do her own thing.

tmdazed · #13 01-02-2013, 06:02 PM

yeah , what you have is classic honeymoon period. once the sex starts to get a little boring , he will find another outlet like music. Even newlyweds get sick of seeing the same face after a spell

bluewine · #14 01-02-2013, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kmonk

Not necessarily. It could be that he realizes that now that he is married, his primary obligation is to his wife and the band is secondary. If this is the case he has his priorities in order.

I would suggest having a band meeting.

I agree that marriage is now his priority.

Man, I am lucky. All spouses are integral part of my band.

One spouse sets up runs sound and light's, the other spouses do all of the marketing and sell merchandise and pay us. The spouses have been at every gig for the past year. And were a busy band.

I've never seen anything like it.

I'm the only single one in the band. No way could I ever meet a woman that support me that way.

Blue

MarkMgibson · #15 01-03-2013, 05:05 AM

I also play in a band where I'm the only single member, and it's never been a problem. I guess the only difference is that they've all been married for many years. Just give your guy a chance - hopefully he'll get his priorities right soon enough. If not, kill the bitch.

Flyingfrets · #16 01-03-2013, 05:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluewine

I agree that marriage is now his priority.

Man, I am lucky. All spouses are integral part of my band.

One spouse sets up runs sound and light's, the other spouses do all of the marketing and sell merchandise and pay us. The spouses have been at every gig for the past year. And were a busy band.
Blue

We've all been married so long, our wives are glad to be rid of us for a few hours a week!

hernameisrio · #17 01-03-2013, 05:52 AM

This is why I have no interest in marriage. Call me selfish, but I can't fathom ever letting a guy get in the way of me n' my bass. <3

Factor88 · #18 01-03-2013, 05:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by led3

..... that said, being a band of equals, it is expected that everyone be working, whether it is on their own specific chops, songwriting, recording, band business, etc. priorities aside (again, we are all married and have the same priorities -- some of us are navigating it better than others)

Are you saying that him getting married is no excuse for his priorities to change, because you and the other members are married and found a way to manage band and personal priorities? If so, read on (if not, my comments don't apply):

YOU do not get to set priorities for other people. Just because you and a couple others managed to have married relationships that did not affect the band, does not mean that someone else should be judged for not following suit. His change in priorities may be negative in terms of its effect on the band, but might be positive in terms of the overall effect on his own life.

ChrisB2 · #19 01-03-2013, 06:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flyingfrets

We've all been married so long, our wives are glad to be rid of us for a few hours a week!

Haha, yeah my wife hardly ever attends a gig.

She did come to my NYE gig Monday, a rare appearance. Funny, I had MUCH more fun that night than the previous Saturday when she stayed home... even though I'm usually afraid she'll dampen my fun, it's never so.

Back on topic, the new husband is focusing on his new marriage, as he should. I guess when you're the guys past your honeymoon phase and wishing he was with the band it's harder to see that...? Give him some time if you can and want to, but it sounds like you can't, so let him go...

===============

@blue: So your bandmates all have spouses who contribute to the gigs? How does that shake out money-wise? I know you're single, and big on getting an equal cut.....

Just curious...

===============

led3 · #20 01-03-2013, 08:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Factor88

Are you saying that him getting married is no excuse for his priorities to change, because you and the other members are married and found a way to manage band and personal priorities? If so, read on (if not, my comments don't apply):

YOU do not get to set priorities for other people. Just because you and a couple others managed to have married relationships that did not affect the band, does not mean that someone else should be judged for not following suit. His change in priorities may be negative in terms of its effect on the band, but might be positive in terms of the overall effect on his own life.

No, I do not set other people's priorities; however, I do feel that it is necessary for other people to honor commitments outside their first priority when they commit to them without duress. The issue is not with the shift in priority; it's the (potentially) unintended consequences of that shift without thinking through the changes.

As a side note, we've had some very good internal discussion within the last day regarding commitment, priorities, etc. We've set aside some time to prioritize what we need to do as a band this year and set up the right ways to get them done. So, having these uncomfortable discussions isn't always a bad thing, if you do it the right way.