Band wife infiltration

[BigOleBoogie]

It happens, girlfriends, wives, even boyfriends and husbands of musicians of band members. But wow, we (the band) got an email after a show the eve of Thanksgiving from the twanger's wife entitled "The Hamburger Method of Constructive Criticism" in response to a couple of emails about that particular show. It was a tough show for the band. Setup had to be done in record time, in the main dining area after tables were moved. It was a high dollar area and a place where people are not known to dance.

Nothing new went out in the email about things that need to be corrected so punches weren't pulled. The twanger got real tense during setup, dropped an F-bomb, had a couple of minor verbal outbursts and there's people eating 20 feet away from where we are. He doesn't handle pressure well. He was told to calm down before saying he was taking a break. He's also still reading off of a music stand that is attached to his microphone stand, songs he's done for several months. He decided to pull his song out of the middle of a new dance medley saying it doesn't suit his voice, he can't practice it with the cd due to the key change so rather than screw anything else up.....yea. He's having an electronic version of a pity party and we're all invited. Granted, the guy is sensitive and doesn't handle pressure well. We also deal with his 3 year old daughter interrupting our band rehearsle 3-6 times because his wife works late, even when she is home the kid bothers us and his teenage sons refuse to help and he is a self admitted doormat.

Anyway, his wife comes through our email with "I hope you all read this and learn something from it. It is very apparent there is an issue with the way you all deliver your messages in email. I hope you take this in the best possible way. The issues that are being addressed by email totally suck and I believe that it is not so much the issues, but the way message is being delivered. Please see this as POSITIVE feedback." I respond with my crap sandwich analogy and we have work to do in which she repsonds with where she works it's her responsibility to put out fires and deal with hostile people giving her and this email learning credibility.

The lead singer and I know that the wife is talking about us cause ain't no woman can tell her man he doin wrong ceptin' her. We two are also the ones that are pointing out what needs to be fixed, what's going right and are the two most prepared folk in the band whereas her husband and the drummer are on the other side of that coin. This is his job outside the home. He's Mr. Mom and a guitar player/singer. He's also a 15 year best friend of the drummer who, thankfully the agent who booked this gig for us said the same thing to him that I've been saying to him about his tempo issues.

Long story long....we practice at the guitar player's house, Yoko Ono is now rearing her ugly head because we picked on her dear John who has shown incompetence in speaking for himself. Thought about firing her/kicking her out of the band to provoke the response of "but I'm not in the band" in order to bring that one to light but the sensitive nature keeps that one under the hood.

[Moe Monsarrat]

I've been in a band for over 40 years & it still happens. You can pick your band mates but you can't control who they pick. Once we had a harp player whose wife always tried to be involved (much to our dismay). She also was referred to as "Yoko". She showed up at the front door of a club one night & the doorman said "Oh, you must be Yoko." Things kinda went downhill after that. Just deal with it....that's all I've got to contribute. BTW you can shorten your rant by just saying "YYYYYOOOOOOOOKKKKKKOOOOO!!!!!!! We all know what you mean.

[txbasschik]

Yep. Yoko. YokoYokoYoko. Yoko is Godzilla, and bands are Tokyo.

Tell her that, while it may be her job to deal with "hostile people" at her work, it is not her job in the band, as she is not in the band.

I mean, sug, it sounds like she's going to kill this band, anyway. If her husband can't stand up for himself, and she's decided you're all picking on him, or she's got Queen Bee Syndrome over you, personally, then...may as well evacuate the city and break out the nukes.

Sorry, but I'm just real cynical about Yokos. They're hard to get rid of without getting rid of their spouse, too.

Cherie

[jady]

Originally Posted by txbasschik

Yep. Yoko. YokoYokoYoko. Yoko is Godzilla, and bands are Tokyo.

Tell her that, while it may be her job to deal with "hostile people" at her work, it is not her job in the band, as she is not in the band.

I mean, sug, it sounds like she's going to kill this band, anyway. If her husband can't stand up for himself, and she's decided you're all picking on him, or she's got Queen Bee Syndrome over you, personally, then...may as well evacuate the city and break out the nukes.

Sorry, but I'm just real cynical about Yokos. They're hard to get rid of without getting rid of their spouse, too.

Cherie

What she said...........

[synaesthesia]

Originally Posted by BigOleBoogie

Thought about firing her/kicking her out of the band to provoke the response of "but I'm not in the band" in order to bring that one to light but the sensitive nature keeps that one under the hood.

That's got to be the best technique +best form of sarcastic dismissal rolled into one.

You've gotta do it. By email, even.

[txbasschik]

Originally Posted by synaesthesia

That's got to be the best technique +best form of sarcastic dismissal rolled into one.

You've gotta do it. By email, even.

Yep. It must be done. Launch all missiles.

Cherie

[bluestarbass]

if someones gf/wife/significant other emailed me about a band I was in I would kick her bf husband whatever out of the band immedietly. I cannot tolerate that stuff. I had a husband of a girl i was playing in a band with try and adjust my settings on my amp, that did not go over well. Its your and his hobby or job, no one else's.

[manicbassman]

Two things you must do right now:

1) move your rehearsal place... (you must get someplace which is "neutral" and were you will not get interruptions from friends/family/rugrats etc.)

2) start auditioning for a replacement "twanger"...

you can't fire him and carry on rehearsing at his place...

anyway, who's group is it?

[gweimer]

If you're dependent on the weakest link for your rehearsal space, and you enter the family environment doing so, you should expect this. "The kid", who interrupts your practice happens to live there. It's her home and her father.
If you can't find a neutral area to practice - I've always preferred dedicated spaces, even if it means renting one - then you can't blame her too much for playing Yoko.

Bands and family life need some separation.

[lpdeluxe]

Originally Posted by manicbassman

Two things you must do right now:

1) move your rehearsal place... (you must get someplace which is "neutral" and were you will not get interruptions from friends/family/rugrats etc.)

2) start auditioning for a replacement "twanger"...

you can't fire him and carry on rehearsing at his place...

anyway, who's group is it?

Good idea.

I've been through many of these situations over the years, from the wives of the g**tarist and the bass player having catfights at rehearsals to the latest, when the lead g**tar player stomped off the stage after the third of four sets and began loading his gear into his pickup...turns out he thought the singer was hitting on his wife. The singer (a very nice guy) thought he had patched things up, until he got an email from the g**tarist's wife (who did our booking) that she had canceled all our gigs (we were booked through Dec 1). So the singer removed the band logos from our equipment trailer, and we were out of business.

It's always a threat, especially in the first few years and you don't have the resources, such as rehearsal space without significant others in your face.

Tactfulness never causes damage. Handling everything in an adult manner is the key -- which is pretty damn hard when there are four or five and everyone's angry.

My favorite experience was the first time I saw This Is Spinal Tap, in the company of my band mates and the singer's wife. She thought she hung the moon, and we poor sods should thank God every day that she was there to save us from our folly.

The guys in the band all howled at the antics of Janine in the movie -- except our lady friend, who said "I don't see anything funny."

[BigMac5]

Originally Posted by BigOleBoogie

Thought about firing her/kicking her out of the band to provoke the response of "but I'm not in the band" in order to bring that one to light but the sensitive nature keeps that one under the hood.

I'm saving that one in case I ever need it.

[tZer]

It's not your job to deal with or respond to her in any way. I would recommend you only interact with her cordially and superficially and avoid any discussions about the inner-workings of the band entirely. As frustrating as her input may be, she is still your band mate's wife and ANY COMMENTS YOU MAKE TO HER OR ABOUT HER will only have a negative impact on your band.

If you are the leader of this group, you can let her hubby know that, while you appreciate her interest, her input and feedback is not welcome and ask him to kindly talk with her about it. Any conversation or correspondence she offers should simply be met with, "Thanks for your interest. That gives us something to think about." Then (in your mind) wad up the paper on which the message was delivered and toss it cavalierly over your shoulder and don't give her a second thought.

If the hubby is either too spineless or unwilling to do anything about her intrusion, fire him and let him know that it's because they seemed to be a package deal and while you could work with him, you cannot work with her.

[pointbass]

Originally Posted by tZer

It's not your job to deal with or respond to her in any way. I would recommend you only interact with her cordially and superficially and avoid any discussions about the inner-workings of the band entirely. As frustrating as her input may be, she is still your band mate's wife and ANY COMMENTS YOU MAKE TO HER OR ABOUT HER will only have a negative impact on your band.

If you are the leader of this group, you can let her hubby know that, while you appreciate her interest, her input and feedback is not welcome and ask him to kindly talk with her about it. Any conversation or correspondence she offers should simply be met with, "Thanks for your interest. That gives us something to think about." Then (in your mind) wad up the paper on which the message was delivered and toss it cavalierly over your shoulder and don't give her a second thought.

If the hubby is either too spineless or unwilling to do anything about her intrusion, fire him and let him know that it's because they seemed to be a package deal and while you could work with him, you cannot work with her.

This is all excellent advice .... it's very easy to get caught up in the back-and-forth when these issues arise, but you are talking about someone's spouse and you should be respectful. Even if you think the spouse is a PITA, it's not your job to control her. If your band mate can not keep his spouse in line, then it's time to make a change ....

We're in the process of doing exactly this with one of our guys ....

[OtterOnBass]

I like what TZer said about treating her comments on the same level as everyone else who isn't in the band.

Obviously she likes control, and probably is good at being in charge (e.g. it's her job.) Sounds like she's looking out for her husband instead of trying to improve his band, and that's what spouses do.

Step 1: Stop using e-mail for communication. For complaints, serious discussion, there is no better way to miscommunicate and make everyone mad. If there is a problem, it must be discussed at the band meeting. Bring print-outs of e-mailed complaints to back up your constructive criticism.

[txbasschik]

Originally Posted by OtterOnBass

I like what TZer said about treating her comments on the same level as everyone else who isn't in the band.

Obviously she likes control, and probably is good at being in charge (e.g. it's her job.) Sounds like she's looking out for her husband instead of trying to improve his band, and that's what spouses do.

Step 1: Stop using e-mail for communication. For complaints, serious discussion, there is no better way to miscommunicate and make everyone mad. If there is a problem, it must be discussed at the band meeting. Bring print-outs of e-mailed complaints to back up your constructive criticism.

Good advice, about e-mail. You can call a band meeting via e-mail, but don't discuss anything in e-mail. The drama piles up and up and up.

Cherie

[BigMac5]

Originally Posted by OtterOnBass

Step 1: Stop using e-mail for communication. For complaints, serious discussion, there is no better way to miscommunicate and make everyone mad. If there is a problem, it must be discussed at the band meeting. Bring print-outs of e-mailed complaints to back up your constructive criticism.

+1

[mattofash]

my bands original guitarist left because as soon as he got married he wasnt allowed to be in a band...

[Rav]

Add her e-mail address to your spam blacklist so you never get one from her again.

And just go on like nothing she says matters, because it doesn't.

She is just another random person who has an opinion about your band that you can't control and need not cow to.

If it causes a problem between her and her husband its not your problem its his.

[CallieBum73]

My hubby is the guitarist in our band, and the drummers wife does some back-up vocals.....ughhhh talk about the drama!!!! But my hubby and I have made a rule , while we are playing/practicing we are "not married"....we leave our bullchit at the door....it works out well...other than since that "rule", I now have to tote my own gear!!!!

[tZer]

I am in charge of our band and I use email relentlessly. Without email, our process would be significantly hampered. I can get rehearsal schedules and agendas distributed - talk about what we did, are doing and where we are headed, and more. But there is a trick to using email effectively.

1) Always copy everyone. Compose your messages as if you were speaking to everyone at the same time and only talk about things that are appropriate for everyone to hear. If you start selectively having "private" conversations with various members about other members, it is not a far leap for anyone in the band to think you are discussing them with others. If you offer compliments or critique in your message, be broad and focus on "the band as a unit" not on individuals.

2) Only deal with band business. Personal or personnel conversations should be face-to-face. If you are worried that something you may say in an email may be taken badly or misinterpreted, don't say it. Just the facts, man.

3) Email or no email, DO NOT GET IN THE HABIT OF TALKING ABOUT PERSONAL ISSUES WITH OTHER MEMBERS. As a leader, you need to remain neutral and never give the appearance of being biased. This can be very hard especially if you are in a band with long time, close friends. Believe me - I've smacked into this wall HARD and I had to actually say to myself out loud, "Remember, Tony, when it comes to band talk, NO PERSONAL ISSUES!"

Now I still have personal discussions with my close friends, but they are outside of the context of me as band leader and inside the context of me as friend.

It is very challenging to take on the responsibility of leading a band. You have to learn to walk a fine line and be very aware of the consequences of your own actions. Commit to being clinical and professional in spite of your passion and desire to be emotionally connected. There are plenty of opportunities in a successful band for shared emotion. Thinking that everything always has an emotional component is a mistake. Some things are just things.