Christian band drama

edpal · #1 09-26-2012, 08:37 AM

...I'm in this "Band of Christians" that was going along pretty good until our guitarist got married - none of us had met her before, in 7 months of playing together. As turns out, they were both adamant they were never going to the other's church, she hates his children and grandchildren and wants nothing to do with them(which breaks his heart), and now has started jamming him with a honey-do-list when he should be coming to practice. And he's retired, so she has him all day. Too say we all find her cold and bitchy would be an understatement....and he has no cajones to stand up to her at all.

Is it un-Christian to tell him that his life, personal and spiritual, has apparently got so seriously jammed up we feel we can't go on with him? I personally feel it is ok to drop him, as the "work" is too important for us to let one person's bad decision stop the good work of the remaining 4. If this was a secular band I'd have no issue with cutting the dude loose. THoughts.

Downunderwonder · #2 09-26-2012, 08:52 AM

I believe the fair thing to do would be to give him the choice to meet his band responsibilites or quit. She is not your concern.

BFISHER1970 · #3 09-26-2012, 08:58 AM

Have you guys gotten together and all prayed about the situation with him? I think as his "brothers" it's important to be there to pray with each other (even if it's not a "Christian" band)
Seek ye first the kingdom of God....
The other stuff seems to just work itself out then

klokker · #4 09-26-2012, 09:00 AM

I guess the Christian response would be to do whatever is in the best interests of his marraige, before the best interests of the band.

I'd quit the "running down the wife" gig. Don't try to tell him how to be married, that's really his business.

That doesn't mean that you can't drop him however. Just do with in the spirit of "this is probably what is best for your marraige".

If it's Christianity that's the issue, watch the resentment. Resentment is unforgiveness and potential co-dependancy.......sort of a red flag.

phillybass101 · #5 09-26-2012, 09:04 AM

He married his wife not your band. Mind your business and stay out of domestic problems. Eventually their marriage will fail. And then maybe he'll come back. For now make plans to be without him.

slobake · #6 09-26-2012, 09:07 AM

If he just got married he my even need some time away from the band to settle into that. No disrespect to you or your band but his marriage should come first.
He may have a problem with his wife but that is a seperate issue that is unfortunatly affecting the band. Focus on his participation in the band and don't get into his marriage unless asked to do so.

MatticusMania · #7 09-26-2012, 09:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edpal

Is it un-Christian to tell him that his life, personal and spiritual, has apparently got so seriously jammed up we feel we can't go on with him? I personally feel it is ok to drop him, as the "work" is too important for us to let one person's bad decision stop the good work of the remaining 4. If this was a secular band I'd have no issue with cutting the dude loose. THoughts.

Im not a Christian, but I dont see how or why addressing the issue his relationship is causing your band could be seen as un-Christianlike. Just let him know that there is an issue, and give him a chance to fix the matter before you make a decision.

edpal · #8 09-26-2012, 09:17 AM

Great responses. I've tried to avoid the "run down his wife thing" with the other guys and definitely him. I actually feel sorry for her, she apparently didn't know what she was getting into either. I understand how they run their marriage is their business - unless it overflows into our business.
I really like the thought of "this is probably what is best for his marriage" - it's probably what is best for the group AND for him and her. His ability to hold up his part has been flagging. Badly.
Praying on this every day. We pray together before and after each practice.
I hope he finds the discernment to realize this isn't a working deal for him, at this time of his life. He's the nicest guy and great guitard ...feels like we are planning on putting down the family dog because we can't pay the vet bill.

Nev375 · #9 09-26-2012, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BFISHER1970

Have you guys gotten together and all prayed about the situation with him? I think as his "brothers" it's important to be there to pray with each other (even if it's not a "Christian" band)
Seek ye first the kingdom of God....
The other stuff seems to just work itself out then

This.

Communicate the issue, pray, do not interfere.

Be patient and keep doing what you do without him in the meantime. A solution will present itself, keep your eyes and mind open because it might be something you wouldn't normally think of.

mcapote · #10 09-26-2012, 09:25 AM

I would say you need to atleast bring up your concerns to him, at the end of the day you need to be true to yourself and other bandmates too.

edpal · #11 09-26-2012, 09:26 AM

I changed the subject line - both believers and non have been very helpful. I guess I was fearing some trollish behaviour (happens!) and didn't want to deal with that. I forgot this is a fairly classy crowd.

Bass1965 · #12 09-26-2012, 09:32 AM

The way you have thrown this question out is really depressing. Regardless, your band mate made a commitment to you guys which he is no longer keeping (he has made a new and important commitment which he needs to honor). Reach out to him with compassion and tell him that his family does come first, and he should honor that, but that it appears he is unable to juggle both the new marriage and the band. Tell him you love him as a brother but that you have decided to move forward as a band and wish him the best in his marriage.

Toastfuzz · #13 09-26-2012, 09:33 AM

Sounds like you got good advice, but to add my 2 cents: I'm sure your friend is between a rock and a hard place. It'd be good for you to let him know you aren't harboring resentment, but communicate your issues all the same, and let HIM choose if he can buck up.

Nev375 · #14 09-26-2012, 09:39 AM

My thought would be to add a guitarist to the band who is flexible and willing to support the other guitarist in more of a rhythm role when he is there or substitute for him when he cannot be there.

Biggbass · #15 09-26-2012, 09:46 AM

I've been down that road of a new wife not connecting with the family she married into and having to sacrifice or put various interests on hold to nurture the new relationship. If you're truly living life on the path of belief you're following then you know that family comes first and a faith based lifestyle has nothing to do with making a decision to move forward with or without him but only the manner in which you choose to talk to him about it.

Kirkowitz · #16 09-26-2012, 09:49 AM

Some solid advice here. I would also advise steering clear of discussing his personal affairs- IMO there is nothing to be gained by that.
BUT- you can outline how his current behavior/time management has impeded work in the band. I would definitely keep the discussion about working on the music, scheduling practices, and gigs and trying to find out if you actually have shared aspirations for the project. It could be time to move on to another musician, only time will tell.

edpal · #17 09-26-2012, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toastfuzz

..I'm sure your friend is between a rock and a hard place. It'd be good for you to let him know you aren't harboring resentment, but communicate your issues all the same, and let HIM choose if he can buck up.

I totally agree he is in a corner. The resentment is creeping in because he can't admit there is a problem. He emails us that he was listening to this, thinking we should do that, then shows up totally untogether on stuff we've been doing for months. He's blown 8(9?) out of the last 12 potential practices by being unavailable - and he's retired, no kiddies in the house, etc.. We've gone from twice a week to twice a month.
I'll give it one more month - less than 50-60% show up and I will swim for the shore.

the yeti · #18 09-26-2012, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edpal

Is it un-Christian to tell him that his life, personal and spiritual, has apparently got so seriously jammed up we feel we can't go on with him? I personally feel it is ok to drop him, as the "work" is too important for us to let one person's bad decision stop the good work of the remaining 4. If this was a secular band I'd have no issue with cutting the dude loose. THoughts.

I'd say that question is best posed to your spiritual leader of choice.

Since this is "band management" I say if he needs to be cut loose, cut him loose.

Side bar but possibly pertinant: Do you guys gig a lot?

BassNeo · #19 09-26-2012, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toastfuzz

I'm sure your friend is between a rock and a hard place. It'd be good for you to let him know you aren't harboring resentment, but communicate your issues all the same, and let HIM choose if he can buck up.

^This^

God does things for a reason. Talk about your concerns, not your opinions, let him know you support his decision even if it means parting ways for the time being and let your bandmate decide what is best for him. If he leaves, then it's for a reason.

However if he decides to stay you have to make it clear that you can't let the drama continue. There's a difference between being a Christian and being a doormat.

williamk · #20 09-26-2012, 10:09 AM

I would just like to mention that "christian band drama" is an extremely funny thread title!
that is all.