fear of success?

pcollin · #1 10-23-2008, 02:04 PM

My band had an incredibly successful first year. We were getting 2-3 gigs a month from April to Sept. Not a lot of $ but having a blast and getting our name out there. We all sat down for a "post-mortum" dinner a week ago to discuss next steps, goals, new songs, etc. and how to take our act up a notch. Everyone had lots of ideas and excitement about our prospects...except the guitar player. He keeps cautioning us about how much time is required to play more gigs, how he wants to keep his schedule flexible etc. A club near us is looking to book a new house band and is giving us an opportunity to try out. Guess who's hemming and hawing? The guitar player. It's so agrivating! I don't want to make this an us vs. him kind of thing and the band really is just for fun but I'm really tempted to pin him down on his commitment. Any ideas on how to handle?

Chickencha · #2 10-23-2008, 02:21 PM

It could be that your guitarist just isn't as willing to put more time into the band as the rest of you are. If he has a different level of commitment than the rest of the band, that's just something you'll have to work out. That's life.

Either you give him his way, compromise, or he's out of the band. Those are your options.

tZer · #3 10-23-2008, 02:28 PM

There are alternatives to kicking him loose.

A band I was in had 2 guitar players who rotated gigs. Neither wanted the full-load schedule, neither really wanted to stop playing. They shared the gigs and it worked out pretty well. It was cool for me because each player had their own unique thing that made them equally cool to play with but also quite different. So it was like playing with 2 bands in one.

I am sure this is not a perfect solution for everyone, but it sure worked for us for quite a few years.

Qvist · #4 10-23-2008, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tZer

There are alternatives to kicking him loose.

A band I was in had 2 guitar players who rotated gigs. Neither wanted the full-load schedule, neither really wanted to stop playing. They shared the gigs and it worked out pretty well. It was cool for me because each player had their own unique thing that made them equally cool to play with but also quite different. So it was like playing with 2 bands in one.

I am sure this is not a perfect solution for everyone, but it sure worked for us for quite a few years.

But that's like... Cheating on someone!!

NickyBass · #5 10-23-2008, 02:37 PM

Does your guitarist have a family? Kids? A day job? I gigged non stop (5-6 gigs a week) when I was in my 20's. Now, there is alot of BS that I don't want to put up with anymore. I'm alot picky-er than I used to be. Plus I have a day job and a family to support.

Does he have bills to pay? Mortgage? Insurance?

I'm just trying to get a feel for his side of the story.

tZer · #6 10-23-2008, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Qvist

But that's like... Cheating on someone!!

LOL - well... not really. It's more like being a polygamist! They both knew of each other and accepted that they had to share. It was funny at times when one started feeling like we might like the other one better! It was also funny to me to know them both so well, but for them to not really know each other at all. I'd talk to one about the other, forgetting they really don't know each other, and they'd say, "Huh... He sounds like a cool dude."

Then you'd see the "I think they like him better than me" thing happen and he'd get a little melancholy. But they'd usually re-double their show when they felt like that and we'd end up having stellar sets - so that can really pay off!

phatbass · #7 10-23-2008, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chickencha

It could be that your guitarist just isn't as willing to put more time into the band as the rest of you are. If he has a different level of commitment than the rest of the band, that's just something you'll have to work out. That's life.

Either you give him his way, compromise, or he's out of the band. Those are your options.

Yep. Time to find out what he wants out of the band. No need to be nasty about it but it's a fact of life that some folks DON'T want to gig as much as others. Respect that but at the same time it might be time for an amicable parting of the ways if y'all want to do the gigs but he doesn't.

jgroh · #8 10-23-2008, 03:12 PM

My band isnt there yet, we just settled on a singer so we hope to start gigging in the coming months, but I am not doing more than a couple of gigs a month. I have a day job and family to support, so unless I was making big money, the wife would have my head if I did anymore than that.

Maybe he is in the same situation?

pcollin · #9 10-23-2008, 03:40 PM

Yeah, we're all working shlubs w/families, bills, jobs, etc. but when we began (a year ago) we all discussed and agreed that we eventually wanted to play out. We've been in bands before, practiced hard, bought equipment and lo and behold we did well, got gigs and had a blast! That's why I'm perplexed.

To be honest, I'd have more respect if he'd just be honest and say that his heart wasn't in it anymore. I just don't want to waste a lot of time and effort to find out weeks from now he doesn't want to do it anymore.

thesteve · #10 10-23-2008, 04:21 PM

Who's to say his heart isn't in it? Having 2-3 gigs a month is playing out and for a lot of bands would be a fairly full schedule. Maybe that's just his limit?

fdeck · #11 10-23-2008, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pcollin

To be honest, I'd have more respect if he'd just be honest and say that his heart wasn't in it anymore. I just don't want to waste a lot of time and effort to find out weeks from now he doesn't want to do it anymore.

Send him a link to this thread. That's a seriously hardball negotiating tactic, and you will get your answer right away.

In his shoes, I would walk.

NickyBass · #12 10-23-2008, 07:44 PM

My advise would be to just be honest, but lay it out in a respectful way. Maybe let him know that you'd love to have him in the band, but you guys really need to pursue it further.

If he is a good friend, he should understand.

I'd also ask him to finish up a few gigs until you can find a replacement.

***EDIT. I just quit a really cool project with alot of potential in the film scoring industry because I didn't want to hold them back. I thought that it was better to get out when I did - than to hold them back from moving forward. I really wanted to stay, but I didn't want to get in the way of their success.

tasty sweeps · #13 10-23-2008, 08:34 PM

just ask him what he wants. you shouldn't even have to think about that. just say that you're curious about how he feels about gigging more, that you noticed he seems a little apprehensive and then give him the floor and make sure he knows you're listening and that you care.

it's not band management, it's humanity.

i was playing bass in a band and i just didn't really FEEL it. i didn't mind playing out a few gigs here and there and practicing once a week or so, but pressure makes me sick. so it very well could be fear of success or at least a dislike of playing out too often.

StyleOverShow · #14 10-23-2008, 08:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fdeck

In his shoes, I would walk.

Yoda!!

Jeb · #15 10-23-2008, 10:32 PM

Band members are individuals. They all see the band thing differently. Cut the guy some slack. We all view "incredibly successful first year" differently. I don't know where he's coming from and neither do you (OP), it seems. What does "hemming and hawing" mean anyway? Is the band "just for fun" or not? Pin the guy down and ask him what he wants to do. He'll tell you, if he's anything like me. Nobody's ever asked me that. Maybe, instead, they've posted it on an internet forum for guys like me to respond to.

manutabora · #16 10-23-2008, 10:39 PM

Afraid of success? I don't think so. Maybe he wants to keep his priorities straight?
I play in a blues trio with an excellent drummer and a really soulful guitarist. These guys are so much fun to play with, but even so I will not rehearse with them more than one night per week. Why? Because there's so many other things I need to be doing...
You are going to have to figure out if you are willing to work with him or not.