Have you ever been stabbed in the back by your bandmates?

[zon6c-f]

M M 's comments are filled with wisdom..learn from his statements.

Being assertive and dealing with issues is better than how I dealt with my [ passive/ agressive] resentment even if my dilemma proved itself in the long run..[and sometimes they do].. if you don't deal with it up front.

Better to be up front and deal with it

[mjac28]

Originally Posted by DWBass

And here we go! The main reason I asked a mod to close my thread! I'd advise the OP to do the same! By the end of this thread, it'll all be YOUR fault!!



SMH!

If all we are here to do is say "oh you poor soul you got screwed" then the OP should put that in his initial post we have one side his?it seems to me he had a slight attitude about the Facebook page "finally" being put up I would like to know why he didn't do it himself? a valid question could the situation been handled differently yes but not one of his "friends" gave him a heads up why?

[bluewine]

Originally Posted by tomnomnom91

The silly thing is I know you're right. But these people were my friends (or so I thought), and at the time I thought their rejection of my creative input was as simple as the other guys didn't like them because my ideas weren't good enough - I've always had pretty low self esteem musically

And yeah, I should have seen the warning signs and I should have discussed things with them. BUT, they kicked me out without telling me - it's hardly my fault that they decided to not even talk to me about that.

Chances are your next band will be better and a better fit for you.

Blue

[zon6c-f]

RULE # 1: Friendship leaves when $$ enters.

It's either business or a passtime.

An ideal working/ friendship relationship is where you can deal with issues without it being personal, although it can be very difficult sometimes.

[fenderbassman40]

I got kicked out of the band I started It was about 20 years ago. It was particularly heartbreaking because it was the first band I was in. I now am able to see that I had a lousy attitude, drinking problems, and just generally brought
Drama upon a pretty good thing. It has kind of informed every other band I've been in to this day. I'm now able to see how my ego contributed to the whole situation. I woodshedded like crazy, started up other bands, got lessons, and eventually became friends again with The former bandmembers. That Really hurt for years. Just telling my story. I now look at it is actually a good thing. And maybe this was a good thing for you. Not seen you had the same issues I did because I had a lot of them. Just my way of saying sorry you're going through this and I hope it becomes a learning experience someday.

[Mykk]

To the OP. I'm having a difficult time digesting the "Me vs Them" in your story.... It sounds as if the Drummer, Guitarist and Singer were functioning off the same brain so when you would express your concerns or the fact you were unable to attend a show they collectively decided to "Not listen" simultaneously.

This is what I can not grasp. I think it ultimately came down to lack of communication on everyone's part. The fact that you feel like you were consistently 'unheard' or your opinion's weren't taken into consideration tells me that perhaps you need to work on your communication skills.

When a band, particularly a band that doesn't gig often, get's in a bill/festival. No matter how big or small the event is, the band will talk about and prepare for it weeks to months before the gig date. All of this talk coming up to the time of the event and they still didn't hear you say that you couldn't make it for that show?

Forgive me if it sounds like I'm taking the opposing 'side' in your scenario. I wasn't there, I don't know what happened. I do know that, if and when I find myself in that kind of situation I usually put myself there.

It's a growing experience, and it is something to learn and move on to the correct situation that works for you.

My story:

I played in a hard rock band out of North Hollywood for roughly 9 months. I just moved to Los Angeles, the drummer from this band contacted me via a craigslist post I put up. I learned a couple of their tunes, showed up to the audition. I was asked to come back, on the 2nd meet up and I was asked to join the band. The music was cool, 90's influence grunge & groove with a very talented singer with an impressive range and consistently nailed his parts.

After 7 months of meeting up once a week at a studio, rehearsing for 3 hours a week. Playing the same 45 minute set of songs over and over, in the same order with no changes. We finally booked the first show, it was a sloppy disaster. Partially was my fault, one of the 10's in my Ampeg 810E blew, separating the cone from the surround/basket. That happened to be the same 10" speaker that had a mic in it being amplified to the FOH. It sounded....well, you can imagine. This, coupled with a sloppy guitarist who forgot how to start/tempo of the songs and a drummer weaving in and out of time, you can imagine how the night went.

At the next rehearsal we discussed our concerns of the show, I addressed my equipment problems and we continued to meet up once a week, 3 hour block, playing the same 45 minute set in the same order. The guitarist began to run into problems, and eventually stopped showing up. We found a replacement via craigslist, a talented guy with a great ear for tone. He had a working/gigging 90's grunge cover band that was very tight. Sounded great.

New guitarist in hand, picked up the tunes quickly. Meeting up once a week, 3 hour rehearsals. Same 45 minute set, in the same order. This continued for a couple more months. I was beginning to express how important it was to me to get out of the rehearsal studio and onto the stages of Los Angeles. The band completely agreed with me, but nothing would come of it. When I would find an opportunity to get onto a bill at a club, it was deemed "not good enough or that wouldn't work" by the Singer (mostly) We didn't book another show, ever. Just kept rehearsing.

I decided to start looking into other bands and projects, I was meeting and playing around. After all, only playing 3 hours a week left me alot of spare time to play with multiple bands. At the same time, this North Hollywood hard rock band ran into a strange problem. Someone hacked into the bands social media and websites and deleted everything. No trace of the band could be found online. So, the decision was made to re-name the band and re-name the songs/recordings and re-release them with alternative titles. Weird, very weird.

Come to find out, the band I was playing with recycled the songs from a previous band that the singer was in. Completely different line-up and different band name, same singer. Same recordings that were released by the previous band too.

...and, once I told the band I was meeting new players and playing around with different projects I was asked to not come back anymore.

The re-named band is still out there, playing the same songs under different names. I just recently saw they put up photos from a gig, at the same club we had our disaster at.

[RicosoundRabbit]

I once found out via a friend of a friend that my band's unofficial BL was contacting people on Craigslist looking for a replacement for me.

It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The band had gone from a fun project that brought in some extra cash to a incredibly depressing situation that was all about the money.

Basically, during the bands' second year, the unofficial BL's personal and financial situation changed and they wanted/needed to work as much as possible for the time being, which meant booking gigs when members weren't available and having a lot of rehearsals to get a variety of subs up to speed.

In a short period after that, our singer quit because of the changes, his replacement just vanished right before his full debut gig, and right as we brought in singer #3 to do a run of nine shows in seven weeks, our drummer announced he would only be able to do the first three of them.

The previous subs we used before either couldn't or wouldn't do the last six gigs, so our UBL decided to replace the drummer under the guise of getting a sub.

So in a space of about three months, we played over 15 gigs with five different drummers and four different singers and had over 30 rehearsals (and it was a 45 + minute drive to where we rehearsed).

Once it became all about the money, the vibe changed for the worse and the UBL was yelling at members and subs, both off stage and on.

I had been thinking about quitting because of the drama, but didn't want to leave the band in the lurch and I thought when we finally got a stabilized line up, things would get better.

They didn't and after we got drummer #2, our UBL decided (without the input of the other members) that since we had a new singer and drummer, the band needed a bass player that could sing some of the songs. The UBL did their best to sabotage me so they could make the case that I needed replacing - so whenever there was a sour note, I was blamed, parts I had been playing since day 1 were now "too basic" even if they were note for note with the original recordings, rehearsals were booked when I said I wasn't available.

So when I found out the UBL was responding to craigslist ads for other bass players, I let everyone know. The UBL at first denied it, but when I passed along the emails, they admitted it, apologized and asked me to stay. I agreed to finish out the rest of the nine gig run, but that was it and was glad when it was over.

Within a month after I left, drummer #2 was gone, singer #3 didn't last month longer, and my replacement didn't quite make it year. Last I heard the band called it quits, but their website is still up with a "gigs coming soon" message.

[Mykk]

Ric, what a nightmare. You tolerated more than I would be capable of.

[Raymeous]

Have you ever been stabbed in the back by your bandmates?

Have you ever been in a band? Then you already know the answer.

[Quall of DUTY4]

It could have been worse. They could have left your stuff outside in the January cold (not much, but still), and the guitarist "must have misplaced" your GRBM. As for me, my problems also started when started writing songs. Creative differences, I think it's called. But if you could cover Muse, you're too good for them anyway.

[mellowinman]

Originally Posted by DWBass

And here we go! The main reason I asked a mod to close my thread! I'd advise the OP to do the same! By the end of this thread, it'll all be YOUR fault!!


SMH!

I was once in an all original band. The guitar player and I had been writing songs together for over a decade. We were "best friends," (as much as guys like us can be best friends, I guess,) and we finally had a lot of songs we considered good enough to promote.

We recorded a CD, and had financial backing. We were on the radio. We were playing the local "big gigs," and opening for real national bands. We were GOING TO BE FAMOUS!!!!! (YAY!!) and had a promoter, (never mind that she was promoting about a dozen or more bands, and could give two craps about us,) we had received positive reviews in the local magazine, and we hadn't recouped any of the money we, and our backer had spent.

We had almost as much problems keeping drummers as my current cover band, and we brought in a guy we'll call Greg, even though that is really his name.

My girlfriend was in the band. She was (and is to this day) a total babe, and she wrote good songs. She wasn't a fantastic singer, but she held her pitch, and had the potential to be better, with some time out there. Audiences liked her, because they always like a pretty girl who's not off-key. The band members insisted she be onstage the whole time, even though there were plenty of songs where she didn't have much to do, and the insisted she play tambourine, and maracas, and cabasas, and the like, which she wasn't very good at.

They hounded her to get better, and Greg INSISTED she take rhythm lessons from him, and she started to withdraw a bit, saying she wanted to be more of a "guest vocalist," She was a good dancer, and she did make the stage look better, but she wasn't all that comfortable. She wanted to be onstage for songs where she sang lead, or backing vocals.

One day, we were rehearsing at the guitar player's house. It was a big, old house, and we rehearsed in the basement. I went up to the third floor to take a leak, and they decided to gang up on her. They really got nasty with her, and this Greg, who was a fairly intimidating cat, was yelling in her face.

What they didn't know was that there was a vent leading from them, right up to me in that third floor bathroom, and I heard the whole thing. They made her cry.

I came downstairs, and I told her to get in the car, and I'd be out in a few minutes. I told the band members "don't worry about it," and said there was no problem, and I'd talk to her.

I WAS LYING.

I called our financial backer, and got him to pull all funds, and put in place a plan for him to show up at the jam space and repossess all the gear. These slackers hadn't paid for half the stuff they were playing through, and I was pretty angry with them, so their ticket was getting punched.

Then, I made a point of getting the legal rights to the band name, and I went down to the studio and got the 2-inch master tapes, and all the boxes of CD's, T-Shirts, etc, and took it all to my house.

For a couple of weeks, I came up with lame excuses not to show up for band practice, because I wanted to make sure they spent a lot of time rehearsing songs they were never going to play live, and then I showed up with the financial backer, and some of his "goons," and we loaded up the gear, while they all cried and whined.

They had made too many band decisions without consulting me, the primary songwriter and lead singer, and the last one, kicking my girlfriend out without getting my approval, had been a step too far.

I was a total douchebag about the whole thing, and don't any of you DARE call me "kind of a douchebag." I like to think I set the EXAMPLE for what a douchebag is, and that I they all remember me as that scary, slightly psychotic jerk who stabbed them all in the back, and then twisted the knife, and laughed.

I'll never forget the time we were about to open for the Little River Band at Ribfest, downtown Minneapolis, on the Nicolette Mall, and my day started with some of the band wives telling their husbands we shouldn't play our very best song, (the main song we had been promoting,) and then how we stood right by the KQ92 trailer, in full view of the DJ's and various local industry people, while they all started demanding more money, after we had agreed beforehand what everybody got.

Did they really think I'd forget that kind of stuff?

Rock and roll used to be a pretty vicious game. it's gotten a lot more lily-livered and "safe" these days, and that's probably best for everybody involved. You gotta have PASSION if you want to do it, and there are all kinds of people who think THEIR needs are a lot more important than YOURS.

I just think it's funny when we play this small-time cover scene, and some fool gets butt-hurt, and starts to cry about how "mean" I am.

I am a PUPPY compared to how I used to be.

And that's why I'm "mellowin' man."

Because I AM mellowin', whether you believe it or not.

[pushbuttonfour]

wow, OP's story made me mad just reading it.

Warning: the following story is pretty long but it's only like a 4/10 so if you don't like to read like I do, you will probably wanna skip it. I just wanted to relate a classic tale of my band though. Well, this isn't really that bad, but as we were just starting our band in high school, we had all our members but a drummer. It just so happened that our next door neighbor was our age and played the drums. We thought it was perfect, as it would make practice a cinch; we could just walk over to his house to play. But as it turns out, our neighbor is kinda of a, shall we say, stick in the mud.

We excitedly brought our guitars over to his house, only to have his parents tell us we couldn't play in his house or garage, because it was "too loud" (which was weird for a family that keeps their drum set in the living room.) OK, it was kind of annoying, but we didn't fret; we just obediently helped the drummer movie his drum set over to our garage across the street. He played around a bit and was terrible, but then again, so were we at the time. We valued him mainly for his closeness, friendship, and availability rather than his skill.

Anyway, after messing around a bit, we all went inside for a snack and to watch some videos of the songs we wanted to play. This was mainly for our drummer, as he didn't know any of the songs we wanted to play. As we were watching , a video, the drummer somehow managed to slink out into the garage without us noticing. As we realized what happened, we ran out into the garage as he was just carrying the last drum back to his house. We asked him what was up, and he said his mom didn't want him moving his drum set around, because she was worried it could get damaged. He told us they had spent a lot of money on it and didn't want to risk anything, but the set was a crappy $250 max. What annoyed us is that he had just ditched us without even saying anything. So much potential for convenience, wasted because of his lame parents (and him). Now the rest of my band treats that drummer as sort of a "legend" to point all our ridicule toward.

Well, I told you it wasn't that good a story. Don't say I didn't warn you.

[Munjibunga]

Originally Posted by mellowinman

I was once in an all original band. The guitar player and I had been writing songs together for over a decade. We were "best friends," (as much as guys like us can be best friends, I guess,) and we finally had a lot of songs we considered good enough to promote.

We recorded a CD, and had financial backing. We were on the radio. We were playing the local "big gigs," and opening for real national bands. We were GOING TO BE FAMOUS!!!!! (YAY!!) and had a promoter, (never mind that she was promoting about a dozen or more bands, and could give two craps about us,) we had received positive reviews in the local magazine, and we hadn't recouped any of the money we, and our backer had spent.

We had almost as much problems keeping drummers as my current cover band, and we brought in a guy we'll call Greg, even though that is really his name.

My girlfriend was in the band. She was (and is to this day) a total babe, and she wrote good songs. She wasn't a fantastic singer, but she held her pitch, and had the potential to be better, with some time out there. Audiences liked her, because they always like a pretty girl who's not off-key. The band members insisted she be onstage the whole time, even though there were plenty of songs where she didn't have much to do, and the insisted she play tambourine, and maracas, and cabasas, and the like, which she wasn't very good at.

They hounded her to get better, and Greg INSISTED she take rhythm lessons from him, and she started to withdraw a bit, saying she wanted to be more of a "guest vocalist," She was a good dancer, and she did make the stage look better, but she wasn't all that comfortable. She wanted to be onstage for songs where she sang lead, or backing vocals.

One day, we were rehearsing at the guitar player's house. It was a big, old house, and we rehearsed in the basement. I went up to the third floor to take a leak, and they decided to gang up on her. They really got nasty with her, and this Greg, who was a fairly intimidating cat, was yelling in her face.

What they didn't know was that there was a vent leading from them, right up to me in that third floor bathroom, and I heard the whole thing. They made her cry.

I came downstairs, and I told her to get in the car, and I'd be out in a few minutes. I told the band members "don't worry about it," and said there was no problem, and I'd talk to her.

I WAS LYING.

I called our financial backer, and got him to pull all funds, and put in place a plan for him to show up at the jam space and repossess all the gear. These slackers hadn't paid for half the stuff they were playing through, and I was pretty angry with them, so their ticket was getting punched.

Then, I made a point of getting the legal rights to the band name, and I went down to the studio and got the 2-inch master tapes, and all the boxes of CD's, T-Shirts, etc, and took it all to my house.

For a couple of weeks, I came up with lame excuses not to show up for band practice, because I wanted to make sure they spent a lot of time rehearsing songs they were never going to play live, and then I showed up with the financial backer, and some of his "goons," and we loaded up the gear, while they all cried and whined.

They had made too many band decisions without consulting me, the primary songwriter and lead singer, and the last one, kicking my girlfriend out without getting my approval, had been a step too far.

I was a total douchebag about the whole thing, and don't any of you DARE call me "kind of a douchebag." I like to think I set the EXAMPLE for what a douchebag is, and that I they all remember me as that scary, slightly psychotic jerk who stabbed them all in the back, and then twisted the knife, and laughed.

I'll never forget the time we were about to open for the Little River Band at Ribfest, downtown Minneapolis, on the Nicolette Mall, and my day started with some of the band wives telling their husbands we shouldn't play our very best song, (the main song we had been promoting,) and then how we stood right by the KQ92 trailer, in full view of the DJ's and various local industry people, while they all started demanding more money, after we had agreed beforehand what everybody got.

Did they really think I'd forget that kind of stuff?

Rock and roll used to be a pretty vicious game. it's gotten a lot more lily-livered and "safe" these days, and that's probably best for everybody involved. You gotta have PASSION if you want to do it, and there are all kinds of people who think THEIR needs are a lot more important than YOURS.

I just think it's funny when we play this small-time cover scene, and some fool gets butt-hurt, and starts to cry about how "mean" I am.

I am a PUPPY compared to how I used to be.

And that's why I'm "mellowin' man."

Because I AM mellowin', whether you believe it or not.

I wouldn't want to be around you if you had access to a meat-hook, that's for sure.

[TRyan5289]

I once was told by my best friend of nine years that my playing was crap (word substitution). We had been playing for about five years when he finally decided to voice his opinion. I believe he was completely in the wrong saying that, no matter if I suck or not. I was practicing over two hours a day when he said this. This really irritated me because he never practiced. To be honest with you, I think my little brother plays his drum set more than him, and he just tunes them occasionally. What a waste of a four grand drum set.

I decided to shrug it off because he was drunk and says stupid stuff like this when he's drunk. The next night he says the same thing, and I decided then and there to not play with this wanker.

Long story short; I quit the band, which had gigs lined up, packed up my gear, and refused to play with him.

[MysticMichael]

Originally Posted by tomnomnom91

And yeah, I should have seen the warning signs and I should have discussed things with them. BUT, they kicked me out without telling me - it's hardly my fault that they decided to not even talk to me about that.

I'm not saying that they behaved honorably in this matter. I'm not saying that they were justified, and I'm not siding with them. Given the douchebaggerly way in which they dismissed you, they may never have been truly worth your time & effort in the first place.

But given the passive way in which you have chronically failed to step up and assert yourself - time after time when you were being disrespected and your contributions were being ignored or unappreciated - is it really any wonder that the whole situation ultimately went south as it did?

It's unfortunate that it has to be this way. It's too bad that some people have to mistreat other people - simply because they can. But given the fact that it does in fact happen, the practical thing is to decide how you will deal with it. You have three basic choices:

1) Manage the situation
2) Allow the situation to manage you
3) Walk away

Personally I would not very long remain in a band in which I was being treated the way that you were treated. But that's me - not necessarily you. I suggest you set your own standard - then stick to it.

MM

[Reverend179]

I've had a few situations.

I had an incident where I found out about being out of the band by seeing a flyer for a show, that night. I showed up to the gig, all piss and vinegar ready to confront them (I was 18 and a pretty angry guy at the time), when I realized that it was MY rig that I'd left at our practice space that their new bassist was using. Instead of getting all aggro, I simply walked on stage, grabbed my rig, and went home.

[ChrisB2]

My short career has seen no stabbings in either direction. I have left bands, but I like to think I have the capacity to detect a bad situation and leave before being fired or stabbed...

So why do I post, with no story to relate? Two reasons:

1) To post my opinion that I disagree with the sentiment that-- TBers should not give opinions or constructive criticism on "rants" for fear of upsetting the OP. This OP clearly stated that one of the reasons for the thread was, hopefully, for "others to learn." All posts have potential for sharing knowledge (except perhaps this one ) and I think everyone should post what they think. I will say that the OP handled the criticism very well.

2) To thank pushbuttonfour for rating his post so I could decide not to read it. I like reading but I'm short on time right now so that was a time-saver, thanks again.

Okay, three reasons:

3) To suggest that we all start rating our own posts right at the beginning, for the benefit of all TBers (see #2 above).

Oh, and my rating for this post is 10/10.

[MrLenny1]

FACEBOOK, whatever happened to one on one honesty ?
Time to move on.

[Russell L]

Yep. Lead singer wanted someone else on bass who could sing more than me. So, he made a speech about me missing too many notes (bull crap). I finally caught onto what was happening and quit on the spot. I normally would never leave a band in that way, to be fair, of course. But, in this case I didn't care. They had already hired the guy to begin after New Year's. The band leader said he never had any problem with my playing, nor did anyone else (but see, he didn't want to lose his lead singer, so he went along). It hurt me. Never had such a thing happen in 40+ years giging (this was back in 2002). I came away from it wondering if I was a good musician. Took awhile before I could shake my head and remember I'm one of the most respected musicians in my area.
I had one more gig to play, and I really, really played the living hell out of that bass. So much so that I saw the band leader looking at me and grinning. I let them all know what I thought about the whole deal.

[Kevin aka Kebo]

Think of it this way - Band mates come in 2 forms... Those who just stabbed you and those who will stab you. I think this is the reason why Ive played in the same circle for 20+ years