Help dealing with bandmate's relatives. - Page 4

mboogiemanusa · #61 08-20-2011, 01:19 PM

I would try to find another place to practice minus the adult distraction and verbal abuse. At this point - The band needs to develop and play together without critical ears providing hurtful comments or steering the project in one direction or another. This phase is called having "closed" practices. Same as keeping out friends at practice who think that every song is either fantastic or sucks. Sounds like your in a "Murry Wilson" situation. (Google it) The problem is .....your playing at the dads house probably using his gear / time / space so he will be continuing to give his opinions regarding all issues with the band. Bands and music should be fun.....unless the dad is the band leader and wants to "employ" you to play bass with his son. If your getting paid then you will have to take the abuse and opinions. If the band is just for fun and light years away from going on tour and making it in music - then the "little league" dad act needs to be eliminated. Not saying that you can't ask him for his opinion or advice as needed.

Papa Dangerous · #62 08-20-2011, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NOAH_FX

Its really hard for a Son in most cases to stand up to their father... It just is, however that dosent mean this guy has to take his crap too.

Your right in the fact that 9/10 when you stare guys like this down, they back off. Than they want to be your buddy and just move on to the next easy target they can find...

I grew up in a single mother household, so I do not understand the concept of son standing up to dad. However, if and when I had a child, and he was at his adult age, and he came up to me professionally and told me to back down... I would admire his courage for standing up to me.

Then again, I am not the type of person to insult someone and imply that I can do better because of his reputation. Seems like he is projecting his own ideas of how a band should work into your band and as many have said, that can be very hazardous.

TO THE OP: Perhaps, before a practice, sit down with the man as a band. See if the son will speak up first to him, but if he does not, try and reason with him about the situation. Tell him that you do appreciate his input, but do not comment while in the learning stage of a new piece. If he has a criticism, he is an adult and should address it properly with what he did not like AND what he would SUGGEST to resolve it. That should not mean that you should do exactly what he says. Take it for face value, and perhaps sample the idea with him, and ask if that is what he meant. Try it with the song and see how you like it. As the bass player, the bass is your tool and should represent what you think and feel should be contributed to the song. This should only be up for debate when it is the other band members have a criticism.

He seems like he has a lot of knowledge, and he could just be preparing you for the real world. Managers, booking agents, producers do not always care about the band on a friendly level, and just view what they do as work. Perhaps him breaking chops is a subtle lesson to learn to a) accept that there will be hardcore critics and that you will sometimes just have to deal with them. b) learn to stand up for what you do as your passion. If you make it big, kudos, but playing for fun and the joy of music is of utmost importance.

Playing in a bad mood and under pressure can result in haphazard playing as you can not focus on the groove.

So the best route might just have to be with talking to his dad. Go to the next practice, see how things turn out. Ask the guitarist if he would say something, or ask the guitarist if you can say something, but proceed only with respect. This could be valuable because when irate people yell, and see that you are remaining as cool as the Fonz, they will realize that there loudness/tone have little effect. Just be prepared for the worst case scenario which can be him trying to getting louder and more insistent. When bully realizes his most powerful tool (to seem threatening) is not working, the may up the ante, but it should decrease.

Goodluck!

LuckyBassPlayer · #63 08-20-2011, 01:39 PM

The old man is just trolling. He has no say in the band whatsoever, so just ignore him and play when he isn't around.

jmattbassplaya · #64 08-20-2011, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ErikW

This. My son was an awesome soccer player and used to ask me all of the time why the coach would always ride him more so than the other players. Because the coach saw the talent and potential in him and yelling at the others would just be a waste of time. Something to consider.

I had a soccer coach do that to me as well. I pulled him aside and told him to back off because his 'put downs' were doing everything but helping my playing. He didn't stop so I ended up quitting. There's NO excuse for that kind of behavior from an adult. Constructive criticism does help, but this kind of behavior isn't constructive.

I ended up going to another team, wound up being captain, and helped my new team win state twice.

Papa Dangerous · #65 08-20-2011, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmattbassplaya

I had a soccer coach do that to me as well. I pulled him aside and told him to back off because his 'put downs' were doing everything but helping my playing. He didn't stop so I ended up quitting. There's NO excuse for that kind of behavior from an adult. Constructive criticism does help, but this kind of behavior isn't constructive.

I ended up going to another team, wound up being captain, and helped my new team win state twice.

I played on a soccer team once. We lost every single game. I think the most we scared was 3-4 goals the entire season. I got pissed during a game cause I was pushed out of bounds by the other team. I had no idea who did it, but I ran up to the next person with the ball and kicked his ankle by "accident." The kid flew one way, his cleat went the other. I got a yellow card and my coach awarded me hit of the game xD

Josh Pelican · #66 08-20-2011, 02:28 PM

Give him the bass, give him half an hour, and see what he comes up with. If it's better, than you've got nothing and you'll accept what he has to say. If he comes up with s***, take the bass from him and say, "Yeah, that's what I thought. We're done here."

Papa Dangerous · #67 08-20-2011, 02:35 PM

I have to disagree with all the suggestions telling the Dad to piss off. It might be your and, but it is HIS house. I doubt his 20 year old son takes out his wallet every month to pay the numerous bills of a house hold... including the electricity that powers your amp.

Be professional you will probably see more then the front door being slammed on your face.

AwkwardLoudness · #68 08-22-2011, 07:47 AM

Personally, I'd respect the opinion of a seasoned Nashville musician even if it sounds harsh. The average session bassist in Nashville can come up with great, interesting bass lines in less than 5 minutes. Suck it up and listen. Don't be a whiny p****.

BigMac5 · #69 08-22-2011, 08:45 AM

Many times it's not what you say, but how you say it.

Actium · #70 08-22-2011, 09:24 AM

Man up and tell him to work with you not against you if his advise and experience is legit and useful. If he's just blowing steam then practice somewhere not at his house.

cheapbasslovin · #71 08-22-2011, 09:51 AM

If he's always been cool before, then you really need to talk to him and find out if you just misunderstood his intent, if he was being a d-bag for effect, if he was having a bad day or whatever. Sounds like there was some miscommunication. If he is usually cool, I imagine he's tried to figure out what the hell happened too.

Or maybe he took up meth in the last couple months and some meth d-baggery is coming out of him. Either way you should find out before deciding this is a huge band issue.

jp58 · #72 08-23-2011, 02:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AwkwardLoudness

Personally, I'd respect the opinion of a seasoned Nashville musician even if it sounds harsh. The average session bassist in Nashville can come up with great, interesting bass lines in less than 5 minutes. Suck it up and listen. Don't be a whiny p****.

That's great and all, but I never claimed to be a session bassist, all I said was I was in a band with some friends and practicing at one of their parent's house. I said that I knew it wasn't great, but it was good enough to try and feel out where he wanted the song to go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheapbasslovin

If he's always been cool before, then you really need to talk to him and find out if you just misunderstood his intent, if he was being a d-bag for effect, if he was having a bad day or whatever. Sounds like there was some miscommunication. If he is usually cool, I imagine he's tried to figure out what the hell happened too.

Or maybe he took up meth in the last couple months and some meth d-baggery is coming out of him. Either way you should find out before deciding this is a huge band issue.

I'm headed over there tomorrow for a one-on-one with the guitarist/singer while the old man is at work. I'll probably still be there when he gets back, and that'll probably be the best time to talk to him. The guitarist said he was just in a bad mood that day, so I'm hoping it gets resolved, hatchet buried.

packhowitzer · #73 01-23-2013, 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jp58

That's great and all, but I never claimed to be a session bassist, all I said was I was in a band with some friends and practicing at one of their parent's house. I said that I knew it wasn't great, but it was good enough to try and feel out where he wanted the song to go.

I'm headed over there tomorrow for a one-on-one with the guitarist/singer while the old man is at work. I'll probably still be there when he gets back, and that'll probably be the best time to talk to him. The guitarist said he was just in a bad mood that day, so I'm hoping it gets resolved, hatchet buried.

So it's been while- are you still in the band? did you have a showdown with the guy's dad or what?

alembicguy · #74 01-23-2013, 07:16 AM

I think it's wonderful that a father now a days wants to spend time with his children and be involved in said child's interests. Cherish these moments for they shall not last forever.

If you can't go that route knock Em out.

Bert Slide · #75 01-23-2013, 02:42 PM

Can you post links of Mr. Pro Nashville Dad in action with his projects? It would be fun to critique him and maybe leave a few unsolicited comments.

I'm with the others who say give him another chance but if the behavior persists you could sure burst his bubble a little by enlisting some friends to help in a social media smear campaign.

BryanM · #76 01-23-2013, 03:45 PM

I'm curious to see what's come about with this band. If he's played sessions in Nashville and was interested enough to not only sit in and watch but to take the time to help set up and offer criticism, I'm betting the band has something. I can understand it may just be investment in his son's band, but color me intrigued.

Biggbass · #77 01-23-2013, 03:47 PM

RUN FOREST RUN!

JakeF · #78 01-23-2013, 04:29 PM

Thought about this a great deal, if we are all creative perhaps it is creative solution time.

Given that the problem isn't his criticism but rather his delivery of the criticism lets make the issue, the issue. I'm going to assume you don't want to burn a bridge here.

If it happens again respond with "excuse me?" Then say nothing.

Let him vent again.

"Excuse me" (again)

He vents further.

repeat until he is frusturated and cooled down a bit.

"I couldn't hear you over your a**hole flapping, wanna try talking to me like a human being?"

If he tries to argue simply reply with

"that is not how I was raised, we have something called respect, I respect your opinion but can you respect my position?"

That should shift the argument enough to let you then have a real convo. with him.

tmdazed · #79 01-23-2013, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NOAH_FX

Its really hard for a Son in most cases to stand up to their father... It just is, however that dosent mean this guy has to take his crap too.

Your right in the fact that 9/10 when you stare guys like this down, they back off. Than they want to be your buddy and just move on to the next easy target they can find...

horse sh--, I stood up to my dad by the time i was 16, and he was a cop, guys like this understand one thing and that's being as abrasive back , I work around jack asses like that all day and I have quieted many barking dog so to speak , by barking back louder and meaner. I am not saying escalate things , just firmly stand your ground and let it be known that he should NEVER presume to talk to you like that ever again.