Hit on by drummer

WolfDeca · #1 08-14-2008, 09:18 AM

Hi all,

Long time lurker, first time poster. Need help!

I'm 25 year old, female, and play bass in a band with 4 guys that are all married or in long-term relationships. I've been together with the band for 15 months, and with my boyfriend for nearly 8 years.

However, yesterday the drummer told me he wanted to cheat on his GF with me (in fact, he tried to kiss me in their home!). I told him 'yuck, no' and he said 'fine, if I misinterpreted your signals, we can just keep going on the way we'd been.'

Except, can we? I'm feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about it and him. We were great together as a rhythm section, had a lot of fun, played really tight, but I think I'll feel stifled and uneasy around him from now on, which won't improve our playing. Apparently, if I just act like myself he interprets that as me putting the moves on him, so I don't really feel like acting like myself anymore in his presence.

Do you have any experience with situations like this? Can we keep playing together or is it inevitable that one of us should leave?

Please advise!
Wolf

John Wentzien · #2 08-14-2008, 09:30 AM

That's a bad situation to be in.
Sounds like the drummer can't conrol himself. Even if he says he'll "cool it", he has proven by his actions that he can't..

Krispy · #3 08-14-2008, 09:33 AM

Advice from a 47 y/o married 25 yrs to my high-school sweetheart: Keep it professional and try not to be too apprehensive. He screwed up and probably knows it. But he's also an individual and you can't tell him how to live, nor should you try. I suspect by your comments that he got strong message from you, so give it some time to see how he handles it. If he persists, you have a problem - then you need to do what's right for you. That might be a kick in the balls to the band, but look out for number one (you) FIRST.

Sorry for the dad-level advice, but guys (me included) can be idiots when they think with the wrong head.

sevenyearsdown · #4 08-14-2008, 09:35 AM

Disclaimer: There are a lot of guys in bands who are scum bags.

(usually never the bassist though - they can'y get the chicks)

Phalex · #5 08-14-2008, 09:35 AM

I had a guitar player that did that with three separate vocalists. We went shopping for a new vocalist every time....... Then we got a new guitar player.

You can either keep on keepin on, and never mention anything to anyone, or you can find a different situation for playing and keep quiet, or you can bring all this clandestine BS out in the open. I don't think it's fair to his GF or your BF to not let them know about what happened.

scottbass · #6 08-14-2008, 09:36 AM

Drummer made a mistake. You set him straight. He promised he would not make the same mistake again. Take him at his word. If he makes the same mistake again, then it's time for one of you to leave. Just my opinion/advice for your consideration.

krazyduck · #7 08-14-2008, 09:38 AM

"yuck"? how old are you? 13?

you told him no, he said fine, now carry on.

lamonica78 · #8 08-14-2008, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phalex

I had a guitar player that did that with three separate vocalists. We went shopping for a new vocalist every time....... Then we got a new guitar player.

You can either keep on keepin on, and never mention anything to anyone, or you can find a different situation for playing and keep quiet, or you can bring all this clandestine BS out in the open. I don't think it's fair to his GF or your BF to not let them know about what happened.

I don't think it's necessary for you to tell your boyfriend what happened. You have it under control and didn't do anything wrong. Let's say you all decide to work through this and continue on in the band....if you tell your boyfriend, it's always going to be hanging over his head and he's never going to be comfortable with you in that band....and that is going to cause another level of tension! Work this out on your own....if you decide to quit, then by all means tell your bf that the reason you quit was because of the drummer making a pass at you and that you were uncomfortable.

CPplaysBASS · #9 08-14-2008, 09:44 AM

I have experience with that situation within a previous band ... only MAJOR difference was the female band member and male band member had significant others but were also equally willing to throw caution to the wind.

While they tried to be discreet, within the tight confines of band, it didn't take a psychic to figure out something was up and for the other band members to be a bit thrown off by it (regardless of whether or not is was our business, we were all good friends with the significant others too).

I feel for you since know many female musicians, and I am disturbed that these situations have occurred often and, as far as I know, always at the instigation of a male band member without any "signals" from the female other than simply trying to enjoy herself and laugh along at stupid jokes like everyone else ... like it's open season on females who simply want to play in a good band with good musicians.

The only suggestion I have is don't quit the band if you're enjoying the rest of the guys and you feel they respect you. If there is another band member that is considered the "leader" and you have a good rapport with him, I'd let him know if for no other reason than you would want to avoid any situations where you're alone in a rehearsal room or something. And hopefully in the meantime, drummer boy got the message, will respect you as a result, and time will eventually make the situation a little less tense.

Oh .. and from my experience .. could the band put it behind them and get down to business when it needed to? Absolutely. The band eventually broke up but only because a key band member moved to the other side of the world!

Best wishes ... and keep rocking!!

Edit: Was just thinking, although my comments make it sound like it's inevitable female musicians will get hit on, that's not my intent. Everyday workplaces are likely a lot worse (unfortauntely) and these types of situtations crop up everywhere and need to be dealt with ... was just sharing my personal experience!

texasgreg · #10 08-14-2008, 09:49 AM

For most folks, I'd say just move on down the road with the band and see how it goes.

However, it seems you were affected by this and it seems unlikely that you will get over it. I think you are overanalyzing things when you talk about how he must have interpreted actions of yours to be flirty.

You're blaming yourself and you have done nothing wrong, or even flirty. But yet you're looking for reasons to blame yourself or to doom the band in the future.

Chances are, he thought you were hot and dissatisfied with your relationship, thus making you available. Don't let his dysfunctional thinking make you think you did something wrong.

fishtx · #11 08-14-2008, 10:05 AM

your profile says you are a male.

But anyways, stuff like this "happens"...not only in band situations, but in all areas of life. Personally, I wouldn't mentioned it to anyone, and try to forget it...and see if the chemistry (musical chemistry) continues to be good like you mentioned. If it does, I suspect things will be forgotten with a little time, and you both will move on. If there is tension and it causes issues, or if his advances continue, then you will have to make a decision...

jomahu · #12 08-14-2008, 10:13 AM

ew. nasty.
be clear, and if he tries anything (unwanted) again, throw a hissy fit.
if all else fails, use the ol' boot-------> his gonads.

a lot of dudes are cool and respectful of boundaries. some, however, don't see anything wrong with draggin a lady's reputation thru the mud to save their own hides.

tycobb73 · #13 08-14-2008, 10:15 AM

tell the band leader. If I knew about this in my band the drummer would get one warning then be out. This could become a distraction for the band if he's cheating with others.

TimWilson · #14 08-14-2008, 10:19 AM

I think you're screwed (sorry, couldn't resist). But really, you are... You've got two big problems:

First, he blamed YOU for this, saying you were putting out signals. Were you? I doubt it. If you've been with your guy for eight years, I'm guessing your relationship is working. So in this dude's mind, he was only innocently responding to your flirting and teasing. And now he's embarrassed and pissed. Don't believe what he says about 'moving on": Your working relationship will NOT be the same.

Second, you CAN'T be sure that he'll never say anything to anyone. What if you keep your mouth shut but then in a few months, he drunkenly blurts out something to your guy about this, or to someone else who then THEN passes it along? How's that gonna look for you, keeping it a secret? You're going to look complicit in this. Even if YOU can put his behavior behind you, you CAN'T trust him to. You're risking too much - a long, stable relationship - for a band. Tell your guy today. Make a decision about it (whether you'll stay in that band) together. DON'T keep it a secret. It WILL cost you. Maybe dearly.

Lastly, then Dr. Phil here goes back to bass, what were you doing in a car alone with your drummer anyway? I know it's old-fashioned, but your case shines a light on it: Situations like that ONLY lead to situations like these. He shouldn't have offered the ride. You shouldn't have accepted.

Good luck. I feel for women in this - and any - male-dominated business. It can't be easy. Sounds like you've got a really good, supportive, trusting guy, there. Don't blow it.

Mushroo · #15 08-14-2008, 10:23 AM

Hey watch behind the music on Fleetwood Mac sometime, and they are all still playing together decades later!

As long as your drummer respects your "no" and there are no hard feelings, I wouldn't judge him too harshly. Human nature is what it is, especially in the pressure cooker of a band-type situation.

Obviously, though, if you are still bothered by it and feel uncomfortable, then maybe the situation needs to be resolved. But if you can get past it, it sounds like a great musical opportunity.

MysticMichael · #16 08-14-2008, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phalex

I don't think it's fair to his GF or your BF to not let them know about what happened.

Wrong. Wolf has no responsibility to snitch to the drummer's girlfriend. Their relationship is strictly between them. Besides, if she's feeling tension with drummer boy now, just see what happens once he learns that Wolfy has ratted him out...

Likewise, Wolf has no responsibility to tell her boyfriend what happened - because there's really nothing to tell. Drummer boy took his best shot. It didn't work. Period.

Women get hit on all the time. Savvy guys assume that their wives or girlfriends are getting the treatment. It's not a problem, unless 1) the woman allows herself to be seduced, or 2) the other guy refuses to take "No" for an answer.

I think Wolfy simply needs to decide whether she can let this go and continue to work with drummer boy or not - assuming he also lets it go and doesn't hit on her anymore. If she can't get past it - or if drummer boy goes for it again - then it's another matter...

MM

**john turner** · #17 08-14-2008, 10:28 AM

since the consequences of this action will impact the whole band, you need to let the other guys know what happened. band meeting time, and "air it out".

i doubt things can continue, but these guys will probably rather work with you than him, i bet.

Step · #18 08-14-2008, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by krazyduck

"yuck"? how old are you? 13?

you told him no, he said fine, now carry on.

thats just too harsh, how can she help it that she doesnt feel right with the situation, and who are you to judge her on her feelings

I wouldnt feel comfortable playing in a band with someone who had a romantic interest in me, even though I am a guy, i feel that creates too much tension

soo, next time before you post, think about how you come across

**john turner** · #19 08-14-2008, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticMichael

Women get hit on all the time. Savvy guys assume that their wives or girlfriends are getting the treatment. It's not a problem, unless 1) the woman allows herself to be seduced, or 2) the other guy refuses to take "No" for an answer.

i know you're just trying to be realistic, but these kinds of assumptions are why this aberrant behavior is tolerated, and therefore continues. that's like saying "savvy people expect their houses to try and be broken into, so they lock their doors".

like i said, i would tell the rest of the band - if you decide you cant work with the drummer, let them decide which one leaves the group.

Phalex · #20 08-14-2008, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticMichael

Wrong. Wolf has no responsibility to snitch to the drummer's girlfriend. Their relationship is strictly between them. Besides, if she's feeling tension with drummer boy now, just see what happens once he learns that Wolfy has ratted him out...

Likewise, Wolf has no responsibility to tell her boyfriend what happened - because there's really nothing to tell. Drummer boy took his best shot. It didn't work. Period.

Women get hit on all the time. Savvy guys assume that their wives or girlfriends are getting the treatment. It's not a problem, unless 1) the woman allows herself to be seduced, or 2) the other guy refuses to take "No" for an answer.

I think Wolf simply needs to decide whether she can let this go and continue to work with drummer boy or not - assuming he also lets it go and doesn't hit on her anymore. If she can't get past it - or if drummer goes for it again - then it's another matter...

MM

I would be proactive and tell my wife about a similar situation. (I have done so in the past BTW)

What's the point of keeping a secret like this?? If it comes out later and it's been covered up, that makes her look complicit.

If your afraid that your significant other will find out about something you do, maybe you shouldn't do that thing that makes you feel guilty.

I would certainly want to know if this happened to my wife. Wouldn't you?