How to handle this?

[jimc]

I play in a blues band. Guitarist/singer is the leader, keys, me and drums. We're all 40s to early 50s. I just joined this band a few months ago and was glad to get the gig, very good players all around. We're starting to get some better gigs and some festivals, things are looking good but.........

So my wife and the keyboard player's wife are friendly. At our last gig she told my wife in confidence, who then told me in confidence, that the keyboard is gonna play out this summer's gigs then quit as he's not happy with the fact we play some covers. There's also a few ego problems simmering I think.

We're a blues band so obviously we play some covers, hell most of our originals sound like covers, but we do our own take on some more well known songs and that seems to make the keyboard player think we're selling out.

I already knew from the girls talking previously that there might be some issues but, when I mentioned in a roundabout way that he might not be too happy with things to the other guys in the band, they believed it was because of his stress at work so dropping hints doesn't seem to be working.

Normally I'd respect a confidence but this directly affects me and, if he's not committed to the band, then the sooner we start looking for someone who is, the better.

I'm thinking of calling the band leader and suggesting he might want to meet individually with the keys and discuss any issues he might have, without me being specific about what I really know. Obviously I don't want to drop my wife in it or the keys wife but I also don't think that I can ignore this.

I also considered the possibility that I might be being used as a 'pipeline' to get this info to the band leader in a roundabout way though I somehow doubt this. The keys wife is kinda a gossip but you would think she would know that my wife and I don't have secrets, particularly when it affects the other one.

What would you guys do?

[professor_bills]

Try talking to the Keys first. Let himknow that you know how he feel. The maybe the two of you can go to the lead guy and discuss the situation.

[jdlwareagle]

Your wife could tell the keyboardist's wife that she should strongly encourage the keyboardist to act in a professional manner and give as much notice of his leaving as possible . That way it keeps you out of the loop .

[kevteop]

Maybe he's just been letting off steam a bit to the missus, but doesn't actually have plans to leave yet. If I went through with everything I told my girlfriend I was going to do I would be neck-deep in mutilated corpses by now.

[jimc]

I did think of this, I do the same thing! The reason I'm not so sure he's just venting is that he seems to have given his wife a timetable for quitting.

I've been known to bitch and whine with the best of 'em but talk of quitting etc. would usually be prefaced with 'one of these days' or 'I've a good mind to' etc. This seems a bit more premeditated.

Whatever happens I'm going to let things stew for a few days before taking any action. Posting here has been good in that I feel I've taken some action without actually involving the band yet.

Originally Posted by kevteop

Maybe he's just been letting off steam a bit to the missus, but doesn't actually have plans to leave yet. If I went through with everything I told my girlfriend I was going to do I would be neck-deep in mutilated corpses by now.

[heroincredible]

Originally Posted by jdlwareagle

Your wife could tell the keyboardist's wife that she should strongly encourage the keyboardist to act in a professional manner and give as much notice of his leaving as possible . That way it keeps you out of the loop .

+1.

Originally Posted by kevteop

Maybe he's just been letting off steam a bit to the missus, but doesn't actually have plans to leave yet. If I went through with everything I told my girlfriend I was going to do I would be neck-deep in mutilated corpses by now.

It's possible he was just venting. By going the wife to wife route it might prompt him to tell the band just in case he is serious.

And almost the same here. Instead of mutilated corpses, I would've kicked a lot of peoples's collective ass.

[bongomania]

Originally Posted by kevteop

If I went through with everything I told my girlfriend I was going to do I would be neck-deep in mutilated corpses by now.

I just felt this bore quoting one more time. Only in my case it might have something to do with a clean catbox, a mowed lawn, and a new career.

[vinny]

Originally Posted by kevteop

Maybe he's just been letting off steam a bit to the missus, but doesn't actually have plans to leave yet. If I went through with everything I told my girlfriend I was going to do I would be neck-deep in mutilated corpses by now.

Quote of the day. FWIW, I usually vent to bounce things off my wife to "sound it out" to someone so I can clean it up before bringing it out for public consumption. Often after I do that I get a different perspective & cool down some. It helps keep me out of a bunch of stuff by not going right for the jugular before having a chance to play it through. Not sure if that's the case here...I'm just sayin'...

[tZer]

Being a fan of only taking info 'straight from the horse's mouth' - until he says it to you, it's not real.

That said; if it IS the case that he's planning of bailing but is not letting the band know, that's a bad, bad thing. What does he stand to gain by keeping it a secret other than ensuring that there's a group of musicians (you guys) who will NEVER play in a band with him again because he screwed them so badly? Furthermore, his rep = shot.

Not to disparage the wives - but gossip is gossip. If he told his wife IN CONFIDENCE this stuff - then she betrayed that confidence by talking to someone about it - MAYBE he's just trying to find out how much he can count on his wife's confidence? Maybe quitting the band it a rouse to see if the word ends up back IN the band. Then he knows how it got there.

Finally - the lesson comes full-circle. Your wife told you this stuff in confidence, right? Why are we discussing this?

[Phalex]

Originally Posted by tZer

Finally - the lesson comes full-circle. Your wife told you this stuff in confidence, right? Why are we discussing this?

+1

[jimc]

Originally Posted by tZer

Finally - the lesson comes full-circle. Your wife told you this stuff in confidence, right? Why are we discussing this?

Well you're right in that this is privileged information but this is information that will directly affect me. I'm not sure of the thought process of the key's wife, me and my wife don't keep secrets from each other and I would expect anything my wife said to her to be shared with the keyboard player.

I guess it's easier to take the moral high ground when it doesn't directly affect you but, if you were too hear something by whatever means, that would directly affect you, are you telling me that you would ignore it? I guess we'd all like to think that.

I've asked my wife to pass on that she doesn't keep secrets from me and that I'm very concerned about the situation and that, if her husband is seriously considering quitting the band, I hope he does the right thing and gives as much notice as possible of his intentions.

[BassChuck]

Do nothing. This is information you were not supposed to have. Keep your ears open for things the Keyboard player might say, or things he might do that could signal his thoughts. Once that happens you legitimately have the information and you could talk to him about it.

As sexist as this may sound... this is women's talk and likely to be more emotional than factual. Act accordingly... in other words: do nothing til you hear from him.

All bands have a current of drama. Part of it is fun and maybe the reason we like to be with other musicians (read: dramatic people). You have to be careful that the drama is just low level entertainment and not a major distraction. Bands have broken up for reasons less than this. Be careful.

[scottbass]

Ahhh - communication (or lack thereof) & ego's! Where would a band be without them?

It's not your job to rat out something his can't-or-won't-keep-a-secret wife told your can't-or-won't-keep-a-secret wife. It's your job to communicate openly and honestly with the other band members, and vice versa. If one of them doesn't communicate openly and honestly, that's just too bad.

How long did you expect this band to last? (Obvious answer: "Well, longer than this." haha) All bands end up changing members once in a while, even the Stones. It's just another part of the music business.

Yeah, we would all like to get nice and comfortable with our bands just the way they are and keep going until...what? Until we decide to leave first?

All you should do is make every effort to keep communication flowing. The keyboardist is an adult. He gets to make his own decisions. If he decides to leave, so be it. If he decides to leave without fair warning to cover gigs you already have booked, then he is a rat; an adult rat, but still a rat.

Usual disclaimers: IMHO, YMMV, etc.

[scottbass]

One other point: You're a blues band. Write a new blues tune about it.

I am currently in two bands. Over the past 8 years one band has been "broken" and re-formed 3 times, and the other band has been through four drummers.

According to others I know, this is fairly typical.

[whitedk57]

OK, so the keyboard player wants to leave. If anybody can leave without really destroying the band - it's the keyboard player. Maybe if was the egg-shaker person, that might be less tragic.

Let it roll - and then find somebody else. Big deal.

[OtterOnBass]

You care about this band? Talk to the keyboard player.

As for the morals of gossip-mongering - you didn't do it, you just react to what you heard. Everything told to one half of a couple should be considered told to both, with few exceptions. Be responsible for what you have heard.

[tZer]

Originally Posted by jimc

I guess it's easier to take the moral high ground when it doesn't directly affect you but...

I appreciate your dilemma and I am not trying to claim the moral high ground, although I see clearly how my comment would look that way.

I've run into this situation a number of times so I guess you can say I've had the benefit of going through it once or twice and from that, I've figured out some simple things.

Originally Posted by jimc

...if you were too hear something by whatever means, that would directly affect you, are you telling me that you would ignore it? I guess we'd all like to think that.

If I were to "hear" something that appears to directly impact my life, I'd first consider the source and how many degrees removed it is from the original source.

Not to say your wife if misleading you, but she's 1 degree away - then there's his wife, degree no. 2, before you finally arrive at the origin - Mr. keys dude.

So you have to automatically factor in an error factor of 2, with 0 being information you can take to the bank and every degree from 0 being that much less reliable.

What I'd do is say to my wife, "Until I hear it from him, it doesn't exist." That doesn't mean I wouldn't consider the possibilities of what could happen if it turns out to be true. But as for taking steps like betraying confidences - there's not enough reliable data to justify such a leap.

As someone else posted - I'd tell my wife that she should encourage his wife to encourage him to be up front with his band. But beyond that, I'd wait for the horse to start talking before I started walking.

Dig it?

[guitfiddle0409]

I would look around as discreetly as possible for a potential substitute player or alternative line-up solution. That way you'll be up for the change if it does indeed happen. Maybe he's just venting, too, so you may want to listen to what he says carefully and see if he's really backing out. His words and body language might just give you that clue or two to confirm what his wife is saying.

[salcott]

Play the gigs. Keep it to yourself. Nothing good can come of opening this can o'worms. If/when the time comes, get a new keyboard player.

[Steve]

If it was me...

Confidential is confidential is confidential. That's pretty much the end of it.

Bands are temporary at best. They come, they go.

The best advice I have from much experience and many mistakes is to not allow yourself to get sucked into the band drama.