I am such a coward

[electracoyote]

Originally Posted by great bleudini

Anyway..what's done is done. I had made my feelings known earlier about how things were going and things didn't change. All I can do is learn from this and if this situation comes up again try to handle it better.

Every time I've ever resigned from a band in writing rather than in person, the reasons have been abundantly clear beforehand. I am not nasty or mean, but I speak my mind when something's wrong, especially about obvious problems that are hampering our efforts and need to be addressed. When they aren't addressed, I resign and move on with neither anger nor malice.

Why should I feel compelled to resign in person? I've already outlined my concerns and reasons IN PERSON. Several times. They had their chance to do the right thing.

In these situations, written resignations are perfectly acceptable.

Now, if I was in a band where everything was moving along swimmingly, no unresolved issues, just a bunch of succesful mates who built a band into something very positive, then I would resign in person.

Anyway, I'll say it again, in your situation, there is no reason to feel guilty about the way you resigned.

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by inthevelvet

Well times have in fact changed. Under ideal circumstances I do agree in person might send a better message. But the flip side, like someone else said, is eveyone lugs their gear to the practice space only for someone to say, "yeah this isn't working out, I'm done" which could be seen as a waste of everyone's time.
If it were me, I'd probably send the email, but make a genuine offer to discuss in person over a beer or whatever with any/all of the band members that wanted to take me up on it. A lot depends on the overall circumstances. If there is a band "leader", I might have talked to him/her in person over aforementioned beer before sending the email.

Im thinking about quitting my band, but Ive decided to have a talk with our bandleader about my thoughts/feelings before making my final decision to depart, likely over a beer or two or three. Id like to come to a conclusion by the end of that discussion. The others will be informed one way or the other, in what way Im unsure, but probably not in person unless the opportunity affords.

Originally Posted by electracoyote

Every time I've ever resigned from a band in writing rather than in person, the reasons have been abundantly clear beforehand. I am not nasty or mean, but I speak my mind when something's wrong, especially about obvious problems that are hampering our efforts and need to be addressed. When they aren't addressed, I resign and move on with neither anger nor malice.

Why should I feel compelled to resign in person? I've already outlined my concerns and reasons IN PERSON. Several times. They had their chance to do the right thing.

This.
It wont be a complete surprise when I make my thoughts known to our bandleader. These issues I have have all been brought up before, and they havent been resolved.

[bolophonic]

Originally Posted by electracoyote

Every time I've ever resigned from a band in writing rather than in person, the reasons have been abundantly clear beforehand. I am not nasty or mean, but I speak my mind when something's wrong, especially about obvious problems that are hampering our efforts and need to be addressed. When they aren't addressed, I resign and move on with neither anger nor malice.

Why should I feel compelled to resign in person? I've already outlined my concerns and reasons IN PERSON. Several times. They had their chance to do the right thing.

In these situations, written resignations are perfectly acceptable.

Now, if I was in a band where everything was moving along swimmingly, no unresolved issues, just a bunch of succesful mates who built a band into something very positive, then I would resign in person.

Anyway, I'll say it again, in your situation, there is no reason to feel guilty about the way you resigned.

This. Resigning from a short stint in a band that is spinning its wheels does not in any way require a big man-to-man talk. Some situations dictate an in-person conversation, but this doesn't sound like one of them.

[obimark]

Glad to have made you laugh. In all seriousness my current band is showing serious signs of lagging off, haven't been with it long, so may just let it die without sending an email. I am the newest member and don't think it is my job to enforce practices/set the practice schedule and material... Typical utter lack of band communication... ONE WAY communication...

Originally Posted by inthevelvet

"I'm pretty sure you wouldn't understand this, no matter how well I explain it. But have you ever heard the expression: "The medium is the message"? "

Well times have in fact changed. Under ideal circumstances I do agree in person might send a better message. But the flip side, like someone else said, is eveyone lugs their gear to the practice space only for someone to say, "yeah this isn't working out, I'm done" which could be seen as a waste of everyone's time.
If it were me, I'd probably send the email, but make a genuine offer to discuss in person over a beer or whatever with any/all of the band members that wanted to take me up on it. A lot depends on the overall circumstances. If there is a band "leader", I might have talked to him/her in person over aforementioned beer before sending the email.

"What am I supposed to do, go apeshit and beat their a$$es to prove my manhood."
That one had coffee coming out of my nose I laughed so hard...

[satellite4]

I was close to quitting my band a few months back. I was pretty fed up and I actually considered quitting via email, but I called the BL instead and we had a long talk. Turns out a lot of the things I didn't like about the band, he didn't like either. I ended up staying and things have turned a corner.

I think the email approach is definitely a fast, albeit easy way out...but after hitting that Send button it's pretty much final, and you just gotta be sure that quitting the band is your only choice if using that approach.

Regardless, I hope you find a new band that fits you better =)

[Nomadskills]

The only environment in which I would think an e-mail was appropriate is one in which all parties can't meet face to face. Generally due to distances or timing. When quitting a job, a letter of resignation is necessary for paperwork purposes but it almost always starts with a face to face meeting.

Nobody has to lug practice gear if you tell them not to. You don't even have to do it at practice. Meet up at a bar or coffee house.

E-mail allows us to do things in a way that evades discomfort and I feel we lose something of ourselves by not going through that uncomfortable process and gaining knowledge from it.

[livinitup0]

If you felt cowardly for doing it then you were a coward for doing it. You are the only one that can really judge your character... I'd suggest you listen to what your conscious is trying to tell you next time instead of looking for validation from others.

[bigboy_78]

I just did the same thing, but I am even more of a coward, because the only reason I was with the group is because i didn’t have the guts to walk away at the very start. I answered an ad for a group looking for bass, they had a set-list ready to go (covers) but no gigs lined up. I went and had a jam with them, good drummer but the singer was really average and the BL irritated me, a lot. Next thing I know I am rehearsing once a week, spending 3 hours wishing I was somewhere else. I think one of the “Red-Flag at Auditions” was don’t join a band that offers you the job on the spot. These guys didn’t even offer me the job, they just decided that because I turned up I was in the band.

I really hate confrontation, and especially hate break ups and letting someone down, so I avoided doing it in person. Oh, well send me a white-feather.

[obimark]

Good stuff, maybe I just play really good, but out of my last 5-6 band auditions I was either offered the spot, right after finishing the audition, or with a phone call within 2 hours of the audition end. Taking it in the one case was a mistake which i rectified within 3 weeks time. as I am not going to jail when they bust the whole band practice for the massive amounts of maryjane on the premises being toked up by the other 3 fools. And I am not talking about one dude hitting a little joint during the breaks outside either. I am talking I probably had that smell on me for DAYS even after a shower.

Originally Posted by bigboy_78

I just did the same thing, but I am even more of a coward, because the only reason I was with the group is because i didn’t have the guts to walk away at the very start. I answered an ad for a group looking for bass, they had a set-list ready to go (covers) but no gigs lined up. I went and had a jam with them, good drummer but the singer was really average and the BL irritated me, a lot. Next thing I know I am rehearsing once a week, spending 3 hours wishing I was somewhere else. I think one of the “Red-Flag at Auditions” was don’t join a band that offers you the job on the sport. These guys didn’t even offer me the job, they just decided that because I turned up I was in the band.

I really hate confrontation, and especially hate break ups and letting someone down, so I avoided doing it in person. Oh, well send me a white-feather.

[QORC]

in person...phone...text...email...what does it matter if you want out?? Not much to me. I got fired once by email and that sort of pissed me off, but we've had members leave by email and that didn't bother me at all. In fact, I'm sure it gave them an opportunity to really state clearly why they are leaving and I understand that.

[ChrisB2]

The hard-line "must meet" attitude is a little short-sighted. Every situation is different and your departure can take on different approaches based on the circustances.

Delicate face to face meeting... rage-quit... letting it slip away... polite email... all are valid methods, depending on the situation.

I have quit face to face, and I have quit via email. Neither was better than the other on the surface; one was better than the other in one instance, and vice-versa.

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

Bleudini, you're not a coward. You acted according to your conscience and your desire to avoid a negative situation. The only reason you feel cowardly is because of this notion put forward here that you must always quit in person, which is preposterous. Plus your BL was okay with it, so let yourself off the hook.

[makaspar]

Oooof.. We once had a lead singer leave the band through email.... 5 hours before a non-cancelable gig. Luckily, we called a friend in from San Antonio (we're in Austin), and (mostly) pulled it off...

Other than that situation, email is fine.. In person, we may have been able to convince him to do that day's gig, but otherwise, it would be fine.

[obimark]

Good point, but in most of these cases we aren't talking bands with gigs lined up, we're talking loser bands. ;-)

Originally Posted by makaspar

Oooof.. We once had a lead singer leave the band through email.... 5 hours before a non-cancelable gig. Luckily, we called a friend in from San Antonio (we're in Austin), and (mostly) pulled it off...

Other than that situation, email is fine.. In person, we may have been able to convince him to do that day's gig, but otherwise, it would be fine.

[steveksux]

Originally Posted by great bleudini

should I have said we can still be friends?

Yes, and also add: "It's not you, it's me..."

Randy

[obimark]

Meeting face-to face just be aware, they may say ANYTHING out of desparation, to get you to stay just so they can look for another player behind your back, and most of what they agree to , they have NO intention of doing. One of my bands was like this.
Lead Singer was a song-douchemaster, never wanted to do anything, always had a rationale of how ANY song I suggested just wasn't right, that I didn't understand the VISION of this band, how dare I suggest a song before 1990s... well I told him, fine no problem face-to-face "I Quit, not right for me then."
Him- "Oh I promise to quit doing that, we will adjust our practice volume level, etc...."
2 weeks later right back to the same old crap...

[RandalPinkFloyd]

Originally Posted by bluewine

Their are band histories and relationships where a face to face notice is necessary. I don't think this was one of those.

Blue

I agree. Depending on the seriousness of the band, how long you've been together, etc, each scenario is different. There are times and situations where quitting face to face should be done, but there are other times where it just wastes everyone's time. example: I just quit a band I was in for only 2 months. I attempted to quit face to face, thinking it was the right thing to do, after the lead singer decided to toss out half our song lists and go to a straight country setlist out of the blue. That was it for me, and if I was on the fence, the next stunt would solve that problem. So I attempted to tell them I quit face to face but it just turned out to be one last chance for them to waste my time. Band reh was supposed to be at 6pm. At 6:50, they still had not arrived, I drove off. I get a text at 6:55 "we're here". My response "Got tired of waiting, you should find another bass player, I quit". Maybe it's the former military man in me, but that's just not acceptable. I don't wait in parking lots for 45-60 minutes for anyone. It's disrespectful and sorry. A real pet peeve of mine. I didn't have a key or the combination to the studio so it's not like I could have just played withouth them. Tardiness like this was one of things I was getting tired of but not the main reason I quit. Lead singer was always late, usually intoxicated, could never stay past 8pm to make up the 20, 30, 40, 60 minutes he was late, constantly trying to cancel Saturday rehearsal, didn't have time to rehearse more than twice a week, but had plenty of time to bring girls back to the rehearsal studio on the others nights to try and score. I learned real quick that these clowns were more interested in the idea of being in a band, than playing music. And don't even get me started on the actual music. Drummer was solid, but the lead singer was a trainwreck most of the time, even when he wasn't drunk. So every rehearsal songs were getting dumbed down to the point we had 3 songs all in the same key, with the exact same 3 chords. And then he wanted to play them back to back at gigs that way "I can just leave my capo on the 4th fret and knock out these 3" he said. Obviously a big no no, a great way to bore your audience, assuming we had ever gotten a gig. Then it was "we're tossing out these upbeat songs and just playing these slow country tunes". All because the lead singer wanted to play rhythm guitar and sing and wasn't good enough to do both. All the new songs just happened to be these really slow sad country songs that the lead singer loved and could relate to. No one else had any input. The audition ad had stated "Southern Rock band needs bass player". Two months later, we were an all country cover band. I saw them post another ad the other day. They're still looking for a new bass player. Of course it doesn't say they are a country cover band. They just resposted the one I responded to. Good riddance.

[MarkMgibson]

I'm with MysticM on this one. Maybe it is an age thing (I'm 46), but I think sending an email was rather shabby of you. They might say it's all cool, but I'm betting they feel slighted, and little things like that linger for years. I'd go and see them, apologize and explain why you left. After all, it's amazing how often you cross paths with former bandmates years down the track. You could turn up at an audition for a really good band, and find one of guys is a member - it's happened to me a few times.

Regards,
MarkM

[Factor88]

Originally Posted by obimark

Meeting face-to face just be aware, they may say ANYTHING out of desparation, to get you to stay just so they can look for another player behind your back, and most of what they agree to , they have NO intention of doing.

Agree, but they can just as easily offer to "change" via text or email, right?

[Febs]

Originally Posted by MarkMgibson

I'm with MysticM on this one. Maybe it is an age thing (I'm 46), but I think sending an email was rather shabby of you. They might say it's all cool, but I'm betting they feel slighted, and little things like that linger for years. I'd go and see them, apologize and explain why you left. After all, it's amazing how often you cross paths with former bandmates years down the track. You could turn up at an audition for a really good band, and find one of guys is a member - it's happened to me a few times.

Regards,
MarkM

I disagree. I've been running the same band for nearly two decades. We have a good core group of people who have been with the band for many years, but we have also had members come and go over time. When you run a band (or any organization) over a long period of time, resignations are inevitable.

I have had band members resign via e-mail, in person and over the phone, and I consider some of those "good" resignations and some of them "bad" resignations, regardless of the medium. There is nothing inherently wrong with communicating a resignation via e-mail, and it can be perfectly appropriate depending on the message that is conveyed.

For example, I would find absolutely nothing wrong with an e-mail that says something like this: "Febs, I need to move on from the band because of [insert any reasonable explanation here]. I'd be happy to work with you to make a smooth transition to my replacement. I still have all of the rehearsals and gigs through December 30 on my calendar and will be available if you want me to play them, though naturallly, I would understand if you find a replacement and would prefer to use him for those dates." I would continue to keep this person on my sub list (if he wanted to be), continue to refer him for other opportunties, etc.

On the other hand, I have occasionally (but fortunately, rarely) had resignations from people who basically say, "last night was my last gig with the band" and who then won't return calls or e-mails. I consider that to be a "bad" resignation no matter what the medium is that is used to convey it, and I generally won't be comfortable on a going forward basis recommending that person for other opportunities.

I am 43, by the way, so I don't see this as being directly age related.

[MarkMgibson]

Fair enough. If one of my band members sent me an email telling me he was leaving, I would consider it extremely disrespectful. I'm an Aussie, so perhaps it's a cultural thing?