Insecure girlfriend at shows...

Spinal Tapper · #1 02-06-2008, 12:49 PM

Hey everyone.
I've been really really frustrated lately. I've been with this girl for almost 2 years. We live together.
I've been in my band (and playing music) MUCH longer than that.

She's never had a problem in the past coming to shows and functioning with the other girlfriends/my friends/her friends with a lot of people around.
My band took a quick hiatus from shows to concentrate on writing new stuff, but now we're gigging again. The last few months when we've played shows, she gets pissed at me after EVERY show...for NO reason!
She blames me for ignoring her while I thank other people for coming out, selling merch, or going to talk to friends I haven't seen in a while, even if she tags along with me to the other side of the bar and I introduce her. She makes me out to look like an *******.
She even got pissed when we had to run the gear back to our rehearsal spot for 10 minutes after the gig so it wouldn't get stolen out of the van (which the owner warned us "happens constantly" outside this bar).

How can I control my insecure girlfriend at shows and/or get her to chill the hell out and have a good time??? (No, alcohol makes her worse, I tried that...)

Thanks for letting me rant TBers, I don't know who else to talk about this - of course my band says "end it", but I love her and they're not forcing me choose or anything, it's just embarrassing...

bongomania · #2 02-06-2008, 12:52 PM

Tell her that is what all shows are like, and she is not welcome to shows if she can't deal with that enviroment. Tell you love her but she needs to stay at home.

Matt R. · #3 02-06-2008, 12:53 PM

Have you just tried to calmly express your frustration to her? May not work if she's one of those unreasonable types. Good luck, man. I have felt your pain...

CTbass&birdsong · #4 02-06-2008, 12:53 PM

she has to trust you...I woud say leave her at home while you work.( if you had an office job, you dont bring you significant other)..there has to be trust or it wont work out...you have to make a tough decision..good luck...

Qvist · #5 02-06-2008, 12:57 PM

Women...

They never give a guy the break he deserves, you should tell her to chill out man, act pricey to her

Phalex · #6 02-06-2008, 12:57 PM

I've been in the middle of the same situation for the last 5 years.

Let me know if you find a good solution.

lamarjones · #7 02-06-2008, 12:58 PM

This is a sign for the future, seriously......

She has to be mature enough to know that everything you said is part of the gigging buisness, and be mature enough to make a decision whether she wants to deal with it all or not.

This kind of maturity carries into other aspects of life, trust me. And you need to know whether she can attain it, or whether you can deal without having it for the rest of your life.

kaiser_sosea · #8 02-06-2008, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bongomania

Tell her that is what all shows are like, and she is not welcome to shows if she can't deal with that enviroment. Tell you love her but she needs to stay at home.

while this sounds like it would work you just get in more trouble when you get home....

on a gig a couple months back i was really jamming along and had my eyes closed for most of the set, and when my eyes were open i didn't really look around much as i'm kind of shy. when the show was over i got in trouble for "not looking at her enough, so all the ho's thought i was single" can you win this battle?

dreadheadbass · #9 02-06-2008, 01:01 PM

i had the same problem with my gf i got accussed of everything form chatting up fans to not making eye contact with her when i was onstage
in the end i had to get nasty with her and explain that when i'm with her she comes 1st but when i'm onstage at a gig the crowd and the band come 1st n if she cant deal with it then to stay at home
i've got to admit its extemely annoying at times but tough love works better than you'd think i remember playing a storming gig and to celebrate we went round to the guitarists house to continue the party after 5 min she was whining that she wanted to go home so a rang a taxi when it arrived i gave her 20 quid and stuffed her in the taxi on her own and said "text me when you get home i'm going back inside" the look on her face was priceless
ever since then she's been much more relaxed at gigs and we get on even better than before and as an added bonuse she now gets on with the gf's of all the other band memebers and even helps me sound check and lug gear

ba-dum-ba-dum · #10 02-06-2008, 01:02 PM

If she's just immature there's no hope...

But, have you considered having her sell merch or getting her involved somehow? I've seen other significant others that are just frustrated with not being involved.

grovest · #11 02-06-2008, 01:04 PM

You say she's insecure, and you say you love her. How about giving her some security and legitimize your living arrangements (propose to her).

Spinal Tapper · #12 02-06-2008, 01:04 PM

Wow, man, you guys are all right.
I need to tell her that this is how shows go. Funny thing is, she's a "shows" type of chick. She used to go to concerts/shows by herself just to see the band she liked before we were even together.
She's also EXTREMELY unreasonable. I ask her for specific instances where I was being this "neglecting boyfriend" and she can't even point it out, she's like, "oh you're just ignoring me the whole time!".
It's messed up guys, lemme tell ya...

rufus mangler · #13 02-06-2008, 01:05 PM

It doesn't sound like she's insecure. It sounds like she pissed because she's being ignored. Is she?
Put yourself in her situation and ask yourself if you would be pissed at her for doing the same thing.

Dr. Phil, out.

Spinal Tapper · #14 02-06-2008, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by grovest

You say she's insecure, and you say you love her. How about giving her some security and legitimize your living arrangements (propose to her).

*Gasps* Eh, I'm only 25, she's almost 22, it's a little early for that stuff. We live together because we love each other, but it's also way more affordable for us both in this great city we live...

Spinal Tapper · #15 02-06-2008, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rufus mangler

It doesn't sound like she's insecure. It sounds like she pissed because she's being ignored. Is she?
Put yourself in her situation and ask yourself if you would be pissed at her for doing the same thing.

Dr. Phil, out.

THAT'S the thing. I'm totally not ignoring her, I'm ignoring everyone else who came to my show and holding her hand the whole time. The other problem is, she has no hobbies or events I can attend where she would be distracted with business. It's us at home, or me and my band, or she comes to my shows. That's pretty much it...
Thanks Dr.

RED5 · #16 02-06-2008, 01:08 PM

Something else at work there. She's transferring aggression, and using the band as the hook. How do I know this?....heh! My wife,women in general and friends who come to shows I'm playing have the understanding that "THIS IS NOT A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION" I am working at my craft here and it will not be tabled to settle any odd feelings. YMMV

Spinal Tapper · #17 02-06-2008, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ba-dum-ba-dum

If she's just immature there's no hope...

But, have you considered having her sell merch or getting her involved somehow? I've seen other significant others that are just frustrated with not being involved.

LOL, she looks down on the merch girls. She would probably punch me in the face if I asked her to be a merch girl...
I thinks he just wants me to quit playing music and sit home and be bored with her everynight

Rickett Customs · #18 02-06-2008, 01:13 PM

From not knowing her exact personality:
There is nothing YOU can do to control this...........sounds like a worse situation waiting to happen soon enough(IME)

1) Let her know, when you come out to play gigs, it's about business that will be dealt as such and it should not be taken personal.
2) Although you may not understand why she does this, sit down with her and ask her, "What is it that bothers you so much, that didn't bother you in the past? "Where is this newfound insecurity coming from"? Let her explain what "eats at her" and try to make some sense of it, or not

3) Does she have "trust issues", or any real reason to? If she doesn't, then she really has no reason to, except for just bustin' your stones for the hellavit, which can make a relationship take a "turn for the worse".

It's prolly not the last time you will see this is my prediction regardless. I am sorry to hear this though.

QORC · #19 02-06-2008, 01:25 PM

I have more stories than I can count about how GFs/wives have ruined bands and band members.

Thank God my wife isn't like that. She knows what I'm doing. She knows I will get some female attention. She loves coming out and has a great time.

How do you fix an insecure gf? You can't. Insecure people are like that by nature. They are black holes of emotional need. Nothing you will do will ever be enough.

How do you fix the problem?

By launching them, honestly. It just gets worse, pal, not better.

QORC · #20 02-06-2008, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by grovest

You say she's insecure, and you say you love her. How about giving her some security and legitimize your living arrangements (propose to her).

huge mistake.

Marrying them will make it worse. You think she's trying to control you now? Give her a ring and your address and then you'll find out what living with an insecure/control freak is really like.

Already you have a woman who is so insecure, so caught up in her own needs, that she is trying to ruin what is clearly a passion for you. Does that sound like love? Does that sound like something you want to make permanent?

If it were me, I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit.