Making amends with an old band member
 

So some of you read an old thread I posted about incredibly drama with a band member's girlfriend that ended up breaking the band up (http://www.talkbass.com/forum/f67/bi...79/index3.html I recommend a high tolerance for crazy before reading).

The guitarist and I went to the same high school ( I graduated last year ) and our last show was the battle of the bands there. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-FWcTGK57s

The guitarists and I were talking about doing it again with a new drummer. There's been a lot of talk of the drummer and what happened to split the band apart.

To be clear, there are many things I'm mad about. The drummer, once dependable, started missing practices and telling wild stories of venues that paid $2500 a night for a half hour originals band, him missing practice because there was an organization of people trying to make his girlfriend's life miserable and he had to go uninstall hidden cameras in his house, absolutely crazy things.

The other day I uploaded one of our old songs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vql09BzJ_tg) and it got me thinking. I really miss the band. With the exception of the singer in that last link we all got along great. They were my closest friends and we spent more time (40-50 hours a week) on the band and with each other than any other time. The drummer and I went to shows together, built isolation booths for vocals, all kinds of things.

I've been thinking a lot on what went wrong. Coming from the drummer, a lot of things happened that are unacceptable.

But after almost a year of thinking, I've come to accept that maybe my role in it was a catalyst. Shortly before all this the singer and I were having a lot of fights that resulted in him being voted out of the band. The drummer got caught in the middle and we both sort of coerced him to take a side in fights and give us an opinion instead of opting out. I see that the more he pushed him, the stronger his involvement became.

After that, I called him on a lot of the stupid things that were being said and every time they got crazier. I went way farther than I would have and even if I had a point to push some of the things, I pushed them way farther than I should have or he was ready for ( insinuating his girlfriend could be cheating on him or was a pathological liar didn't help ) and I think I'd like to open a line of conversation with him.

I have some things to apologize for and I think he does too but I'm thinking about trying to find a way to talk to him (he's got me blocked on Facebook and probably my number). The truth of the matter is I've been thinking on a lot of things lately. I realized that for the first time in a while I'm doing music for money and not for enjoyment. I realize that I've never cared about any musical pursuit as much as that band or never connected with any members on that level. I don't feel like I can let that go without trying to fix my part in it. I've seen crazier things happen than two friends fix their mistakes after a year. But I don't know if I have faith that it could happen.

Am I crazy to try?

Leave it alone dude. I remember that thread, and there's way too much crazy in that guys life. Drummers aren't that hard to find.

There is nothing wrong with apologizing. There is nothing wrong with being friends and hanging out.

I would suggest value your friendship and leave music out of it.

Just curious, why do you think the two are mutually exclusive?

They aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, but they sometimes can be. My first band was with my best friend in high school. Then life happened, and we spent the next 30 years geographically separated. I retired from the military, and eventually moved close to the place where my friend lives -- in part, to do music with him again.

Experience in two subsequent bands taught us that we do not work well together in the same band. In a band setting, things about him drive me crazy, and things about me drive him crazy. So we gave up on trying to make a band work and instead maintain our friendship. There's nothing stopping us from occasionally jamming, but I value our friendship too much to risk sacrificing it for another attempt at a band.

Take the crazy girlfriend to Castillo De San Marcos and hope she accidentally falls from the bastion into the moat. ;)

Time has a way of sugarcoating the memories you have. I have been thinking of restarting my former band, because the hang was fun and the occasional gigs we had were fun, too.

Then I stop a second and think of all the things which bugged me then, and I know they will not change this time. So I'd rather keep the fond memories ...

If it were me, I'd try to reach out and make ammends. If he accepts great, if not then you will have to move on. I assume the crazy one is still in his life so I would stay clear of any band situation with him. You've already lived that so what would make you think it would be any different going forward?

Good drummers are easy to find. Grab the guitarist's, get a drummer and search out another singer. Life is too short to deal with a bunch of nonsense like your previous experience.

I think the laws of averages would dictate that there are a certain number of people in the world who are supposed to hate your guts......

Don't mess with the universe.

IMHO, we'd all get along a lot better if we could do more of two things: apologizing and forgiving. Both take courage, and I applaud you for wanting to make amends.

BUT don't do it for any other reason than, in your gut you know it's the right thing to do. Don't do it to try to get a band back together, restart a friendship or anything else. Don't even expect to be forgiven.

I won't say you're crazy to try what you want to do, but I will say it sounds kinda clingy. You're young and it's a big world with a lot of musicians you've never met. Apologizing is a good idea. Apologizing and then moving on may be a better idea.

Good luck, whatever you do.

+1