micro managing the kid's band...

[guy n. cognito]

The original post was almost impossible to read, but what I gathered is summed up below:

"I want to live vicariously though my son's teen band, but I don't want any other parents to do the same."

Good luck with that.

[troy mcclure]

I am have a son that got into drumming at 11 and I was always involved in one way or another with his early bands, (picking kids up and dropping them off, providing gear and generally just being there) but as he got older it was more about giving him guidance on how to make decisions on how to get along or settle differences. I also encouraged him to play with better people each time he started another band. I provided a great rehearsal room with a PA, Bass Rig, Guitar Rig and a recording gear as well as an empty house with frozen pizzas and soda. At 16 he was getting paid to play in 2 different worship teams. He is now 19 writes music for a band he has started with friends and has been in too many bands to remember, but recently went on the road with 2 different bands both in the US, Canada and Europe. I only gave him a push, he did the rest.

[JayDA]

Originally Posted by new2bassguitar

Hives.

I actually sat here and read two pages of this thread, and had advice I was ready to give. And then I read this....thanks for wasting ten minutes of my life.

[MarkMgibson]

I remember my first band, when I was still in school, and the idea of my, or anyone else's parents telling us what songs to play would have been hilarious. To them, you're ancient, have no taste in music at all, and wouldn't know a good song if it came out of your ass. And that's exactly as it should be.

[bassistjoe93]

First, is this a troll thread? Second, what kind of parent does this crap? If my dad had done this to me, I'd have moved out or stopped playing music altogether. Seems rather pathetic, just go start your own band with people your own age if you wanna "be a rockstar"!Let your son figure this stuff out, that's part of the fun, but be there (with advice) when he needs guidance. Geez.

[hdracer]

Originally Posted by cbrophy

Dude!

Originally Posted by tycobb73

Dude, really? Let them figure it out on thier own and be supportive.

Dude!!!

Leave the kids alone!

I got into playing after my youngest son started. He has gone through bands and friends.

Yes, help them when they ask for it but otherwise leave them alone and find some people your own age to play with.

[grisezd]

I thought dads were only supposed to take the fun out of ball sports!

Serously OP, back the hell off. My 13 yr old son plays and has fun with it. Was in a decent punk-ish band. I drove him around, fixed and carried band gear, and every so often would help during a practice (in my living room, hard not to be there!) when they were stuck on something (how to count back in from a pause, etc). I wanted so bad sometimes to pick up a guitar and MAKE them get something, but I didn't want to ruin the fun for them. The singer/guitarist had a stage mom and a hell of a lot of talent, but mom had taught her to be pretty self absorbed. Drummer lived with grandma who always wanted to sit in the middle of practice and give notes. Eventually the band broke up, hard family feelings between grandma and stage mom, and I got parent blame for not helping enough!

The boy still plays, but not daily. He likes his books and computer games. Eventually he may get back into it. He can use my gear if he does!

[LiquidMidnight]

Originally Posted by fenderhutz

You sound like the band version of a pageant mom.

+1 x infinity

Dude, they're 12. The reason most of them aren't showing much interest is because playing music was just a phase for them. Most people who pick up a guitar or a set of drum sticks aren't going to keep with it for the long haul.

Oh, and Hives.

[One Drop]

Perfect agreement on a TB thread, rare and interesting.


But it's too late.

[Corbeau]

I really can't decide if this a troll post, or if the OP just didn't like the responses he received and is throwing a little temper tantrum.

Parents taking control of a kid's activity really, really sucks. It drains the fun out of it. Part of the fun is the exploration behind an activity - to learn for yourself how something works. Having someone basically direct you from the get-go makes the activity pretty boring and it becomes more of a chore. However, if you do insist on living through your kid - good luck?

[Sub300Hertz]

If you want to be part of it just drive them around and help with general expenses. Other than that you're just killing your kid's passion for music and being in a band altogether!
I've seen this one too many times.

[VitalSigns]

I wish I was in a band at 12 years old... Hell I wish i was in a band now..

[Stev187]

Looks like OP is gone, but the topic in this thread is very real. For the past year, my 11 year old has been in a band of 10-12 year olds. They play the same kind of stuff OP's kid does. A couple of points that I wanted to provide my perspective:

Originally Posted by fdeck

One thing I would do, as a parent, is insist on earplugs.

This is the ONLY thing I am a control freak about, and I only have power over my kid. For practices and gigs, my son isn't allowed to plug in unless he has earplugs. Period. I've offered my perspective to the other parents, and we always have extra plugs on hand for them to use if they want. The other kids mostly don't wear them.

Oh, I take that back. The other thing I am a control freak about is tuning up. Again, I only have influence over my kid on this, but it's mandatory. And now I don't even need to tell him these things--the earplugs and tuning are habits now. As far as the music goes, he is totally on his own (but he always asks for tips and feedback). I agree that band parents need to get out of the way and let the kids make music.

Originally Posted by bassistjoe93

First, is this a troll thread? Second, what kind of parent does this crap?

You'd be surprised. We bump into a lot of band parents at shows and they are just as bad as the little leauge stereotypes in some regard. In our situation, I am the only band parent that is a musician. These little guys inspired me to start playing out again, and that has been a real help. When I first felt the impulse to be a control freak, I stopped myself and jumped on Craigslist to find a gig. I lucked out and got in a party/cover band with my first audition. I have plenty of opinions about what my kid's band should be doing, but I mostly keep them to myself. When they are very strongly held opinions, I share them with the band teacher and let him handle it.

In our case, we pay a band teacher who is a full-time gigging musician to run the class. We've had issues with one parent trying to control things (proud to say that has never been me). In particular, one of the parents wants the kids to play tons of live shows when they are not ready. My strategy has been to defer to the band teacher on this.

It's funny--this is obviously a trend with School of Rock and lots of rock band classes popping up. I think it's great. But it does short circuit much of the "garage band" energy the kids have when they are just messing around and jamming.

--Steve

P.S. Any kid playing in a band should read Victor Wooten's THE MUSIC LESSON. Heck, any person playing in a band should read that!

[MarkMgibson]

Originally Posted by VitalSigns

I wish I was in a band at 12 years old... Hell I wish i was in a band now..

I was in a band when I was 14, called Nightwind (sounds like someone farting in bed). Tragically, we were videotaped a couple of times by friends who love to embarrass me by playing it whenever possible. We were truly horrendous; sounded just like our name in fact. So just be careful what you wish for!!!

I actually offered them $1000 to buy (or destroy) the tapes, but the sadistic bastards won't budge.

[repoman]

Originally Posted by MarkMgibson

I was in a band when I was 14, called Nightwind (sounds like someone farting in bed). Tragically, we were videotaped a couple of times by friends who love to embarrass me by playing it whenever possible. We were truly horrendous; sounded just like our name in fact. So just be careful what you wish for!!!

I actually offered them $1000 to buy (or destroy) the tapes, but the sadistic bastards won't budge.

hahaha...that's funny stuff...

[inthevelvet]

You're only 47, and this isn't the NFL, so why the need to live vicariously? With a bit of woodshedding you could be playing in a band of your own in 6 months. Then you wouldn't need to force your kid to play Hives tunes at the talent show.

[inthevelvet]

Originally Posted by bassistjoe93

First, is this a troll thread? Second, what kind of parent does this crap?

Sadly, there is a lot of this that goes on. Everyone thinks their kid is a rock star/pro ahtlete/supermodel/Einstein in the making. It's good to think highly of your kids, but by definition, majority of people are average.

[wrench45us]

being in a band at that age most of the lessons are about how to get along with other people or what can go wrong trying to get everyone to agree to head in a particular direction. The thing that generally heads people in the same direction is some sort of fun or passion for playing -- that's right it's called playing.
If helipcopter parents are always around directing everything all those lessons are lost and if the fun and passion has to be injected along with the decisions it's all undercut and hollow.

Playing music is one of the magical things in life. It's a great avenue to express a lot of feelings, esp at that age, that can be difficult to deal with. I can't imagine much worse than some of these hovering parents directing a band, esp in front of their peers. I'd say if you want to share something share it alone 1:1 with the kid, but otherwise step aside and let them find their own way.

[jive1]

Originally Posted by MarkMgibson

I was in a band when I was 14, called Nightwind (sounds like someone farting in bed). Tragically, we were videotaped a couple of times by friends who love to embarrass me by playing it whenever possible. We were truly horrendous; sounded just like our name in fact. So just be careful what you wish for!!!

I actually offered them $1000 to buy (or destroy) the tapes, but the sadistic bastards won't budge.

LOL!

On the bright side, at least they didn't have phones with video cameras and Youtube back then. The damage could be much worse.

[the yeti]

sad.