Need to quit band, but they wont let me!

[mikeythekid]

Sorry in advance for my rant, but i need to get this off my chest:
So I have been helping out a friends band play showcases and get ready for some future shows (unbooked and all theoretical) but I'm not into the music nor do I really believe in the future success they keep reminding me is sure to come. I have told all the members both individually and collectively that I am not interested in being a longtime member and that it is in their best interest to find someone who is, however they continue killing me with their kindness and understanding of my position and say they are willing to have me as long as I'll stay with them.

As a side note, my main band which has enjoyed some success, but is now on a hiatus, will be reforming under a different name shortly. I am going to be joining up with them soon which ive made very clear to the other band but they still are willing to invest their time on me.

My main problem with this is that I don't want to invest or waste my time on a project that I dont enjoy and won't be involved in but they don't seem to get the picture when I explain that to them in friendly terms. Should I just split out on my friends or is there a better way to make a graceful exit? Please advise, I am frustrated with this situation!

[RustyAxe]

... give 'em a date about one month out, after which you will no longer rehearse or do gigs. They have no motivation to replace you as long as you keep caving in. Just do it.

[electracoyote]

You need to hit them with a formal resignation letter. Be polite, thank them for the opportunity, tell them how much you enjoyed it, but tell them you need to direct your efforts elsewhere. You don't need to be specific. End by giving them a termination date, maybe two weeks or a month out.

Then stick to your word.

[Bassman8416]

Simple, give them notice, with a specific date as your last time playing with them. You have to be stern and unwavering. Its all in your hands, really not their fault at all.

[whitedk57]

You've already told them, so they are prepared. Maybe you could shop around for another bass player for them? Right now, your other band is still on hiatus, so keep jamming with them whilst looking for another bassist.

Plus, bands can be flaky. Your other band may dissolve altogether. Keep your options open for now.

[Bass_Pounder]

What do you mean by "they won't let me"

Are they holding you or your equipment hostage ?

If you seriously want to quit, give them a end date.

After that date, remove your equipment, and don't go to any practices - simple.

[obimark]

are you twelve years old? serious.

[D.A.R.K.]

I've been in a very similar situation,
helping a friend out while telling him a day would come
when I wouldn't be available....
the day came, I had to cancel a gig (it was a last minute fill in, not a normal booking anyway).
He flipped out on me, tried to tell me I had to do the gig,
it ended ugly (I will not be told what to do).
My advice is set an out date, now, to avoid personal issues.

[5StringFool]

Originally Posted by RustyAxe

give 'em a date about one month out, after which you will no longer rehearse or do gigs. They have no motivation to replace you as long as you keep caving in. Just do it.

This. It's really that simple. If they are as understanding as they claim there won't be any hard feelings.

[Kmonk]

Give them two weeks maybe a month but that's all.

[mikeythekid]

Thanks for the honest replies guys.

[the explode man]

Invoice them!

[Piggy8692]

Originally Posted by the explode man

Invoice them!

Great Idea. A few outcomes I could predict.

1: They actually decide to pay you!
2: They refuse. You get out.
3: They refuse. You stay anyway.

[two fingers]

Originally Posted by RustyAxe

... give 'em a date about one month out, after which you will no longer rehearse or do gigs. They have no motivation to replace you as long as you keep caving in. Just do it.

Bingo! Give notice. They aren't going to look for another bass man until they have to. Once you give them a date, they have to.

[Stumbo]

Cancel a couple of rehearsals. Then let them know you're out due to conflicting schedules since your band is getting back together.

[markkoelsch]

I think a lot of what others are saying is correct.

If you have scheduled gigs I would do those. I would tell them to not schedule anymore gigs until they find another bassist. I would set a quit date at the last, currently scheduled gig. I would cut down on the number of rehearsals you do and offer to help them find and audition a replacement.

They sound like decent guys from what you have said, and being honest and professional with them is the way to go. You ultimately control the situation as you do not need them- they need you.

[Muttleybass]

Originally Posted by mikeythekid

they continue killing me with their kindness and understanding of my position and say they are willing to have me as long as I'll stay with them.

Jeez, Just LEAVE! They've been warned.

Tell them you are no longer interested in rehearsing, let them know if there are any shows that are within the next month, you'll play them, then you're DONE. "K, guys... That's it for me. Best of luck!"

[A Strohman]

I've been in this situation so I understand where the OP is coming from. You tell the band you're leaving and they come back and try to make every accommodation possible to keep you. The best thing to do, Mikey, is just tell them you're done and be firm about it. It gets a little awkward when they practically beg you to stay but stand firm. Be nice about it as there's no reason to burn bridges but tell them you just don't have the time to devote to their project anymore.

[soulman969]

Yep I'm with the majority. I've needed to do this recently and I took the time to send and email to the leader and the rest of the band letting them know when my last rehearsal and gig would be.

Once you put anything in writing there's a much greater tendency for it to actually happen. Up til now you've been saying you're intending to leave but not backing it with your actions. Send the email and the do what that email says you will do.

It should "no harm, no foul" from then on and you can part as friends.

[Downunderwonder]

Be straight up at all times.

Tell them when you will no longer be available.

Onwards and upwards.