Quitting without pissing anyone off..

[ToadWarrior]

So I've been in a band for about a year, and I'm getting kind of tired of it, we rarely gig, rent rehearsal space, and I drive myself and my guitarist there which costs alot considering the price of gas these days.The guitarist and I are good friends but I am having issues with the band.

It's a three piece, and the drummer is a much older dude than me and guitarist.... Now maybe it's just me, but I find it extremely difficult to groove with him, his kick pattern seems to change every bar and he seems to just kick randomly with no structure, recently we were asked to learn "Pumped Up Kicks" to back up some singer. I assumed the beat would be easy but when we tried there is simply no groove there.

Guitarist is another story, he idolizes Vai, Satriani etc, and solos incessantly, for example on Pumped Up Blechs, instead of locking down a nice rhythm part he just solos... Like the entire time... It's embarrassing

He plays some kind of Ibanez guitar with locking tuners, that is never in tune. Mostly we play his originals which are dynamically sterile and are basically just jams with very lttle thought put into the parts. He sings and "plays rhythm" but it consists of him just mashing open chords at random.

Anyway, huge rant, and maybe it's partly my inexperience and inability to groove with them. But I really want to get out, both members are good guys but I really feel like it's not worth my time and money, and is doing no good for my playing. I was thinking maybe I'll just tell them I don't have the time and money to invest when we don't gig often.

[Jazzdogg]

Leave. Be unequivocal, and be a gentleman, but leave.

[two fingers]

You can't control what pisses other people off. That's up to them. You can be gracious and polite. That's about as much as you can do. But the band sounds like a total waste of time and money. Get out now.

[jaywa]

I've only quit one band but when I did, I:

- Did it in person (after a gig... the gig not being why I quit)

- Did it with everyone else in the band present

- Gave them an honest reason (another band had recruited me, who played a lot more often and made more money and my wife was unemployed so we needed the money)

- Told them I would do what I could to find them a replacement (which I did, even though it didn't work out)

We all parted as friends and in fact since they haven't been able to find a full-time replacement I've done a few gigs with them since I left and in fact I'm doing one with them tonight.

YMMV of course. Wish you luck.

[ToadWarrior]

Yeah I'll definitely talk to them in person, and We've got one gig coming up in a week or so, so I wont quit before that, though my guitarist has another lined up for January so I'm not sure if it'd be cool for me to bail before that.

Honestly it wasn't until I joined a second band that I realized my discontents. A country/old time band that gets paid and is very conscience of what they sound like
(they record rehearsals/gigs), correct errors, work on changes etc.

[mjac28]

The guitarist doesn't seem like that great a guy if he's not chipping in for gas ? The world is full of great guys just find some you can play with and make some money.

[Itzayana]

I went to a recording session a couple of weeks ago. The hired producer, also happened to be the drummer. The guy was an absolutely terrible drummer.
I found that it was impossible to play with him.
Finally the drummer/producer said to me, "When are you going to get into the groove?"
I had to use all of my self control but was finally able to respond in a calm and deliberate manor. I said, "I am sorry but I'm probably not the right bass player for this project. I'm sorry if I wasted your time."
Then I packed and left.

[jaywa]

Originally Posted by Itzayana

I went to a recording session a couple of weeks ago. The hired producer, also happened to be the drummer. The guy was an absolutely terrible drummer.
I found that it was impossible to play with him.
Finally the drummer/producer said to me, "When are you going to get into the groove?"
I had to use all of my self control but was finally able to respond in a calm and deliberate manor. I said, "I am sorry but I'm probably not the right bass player for this project. I'm sorry if I wasted your time."
Then I packed and left.

Well played! You got yourself out of a bad situation without lying or throwing anyone under the bus. Good job.

[electracoyote]

Don't vent on the way out. Useless and inflammatory.

Though I have grievances, I keep them all to myself as I plan my exit. I've probably already voiced my concerns, and they aren't being addressed to my satisfaction, so there's no need to re-hash it. I make peace with everyone in the band at our last couple of gigs. Lots of hand shaking, smiles, and pats on the backs.

Then I tell them I need to go in a different direction, and leave it at that.

I give them 30 days to replace me, same as I would do with an employer.

Be a pro, play your cards close to the chest, and be nice on the way out. You might find yourself in a position where you have to work with one or more of these people again some day, or depend on their recommendation.

[jaywa]

Originally Posted by ToadWarrior

Yeah I'll definitely talk to them in person, and We've got one gig coming up in a week or so, so I wont quit before that, though my guitarist has another lined up for January so I'm not sure if it'd be cool for me to bail before that.

What I would do is break the news after your upcoming gig (not before), and tell them you'll stay through the January gig unless they find your replacement before then.

Different bands deal with member departures differently. Some bands will want to keep you on till the last possible minute, others will basically consider it over and done on the spot and want you out of there ASAP even if they have no clue how they're going to replace you. Be prepared for either response.

[cashpoor51]

Originally Posted by Itzayana

I went to a recording session a couple of weeks ago. The hired producer, also happened to be the drummer. The guy was an absolutely terrible drummer.
I found that it was impossible to play with him.
Finally the drummer/producer said to me, "When are you going to get into the groove?"
I had to use all of my self control but was finally able to respond in a calm and deliberate manor. I said, "I am sorry but I'm probably not the right bass player for this project. I'm sorry if I wasted your time."
Then I packed and left.

Wow
awesome response like the other guy said well played

[JoZac21]

These sound like really good reasons to quit a band...

I would just be direct and honest, but leave out any unnecessary reasons for your decision. Just say something like, "I've made the decision to quit the band. I'm just not feeling like we have the same vision" or something vague like that.

If the guitarist is really your friend, he will stay that way.

But yeah, get out of that band... it sounds very amateur.

[scottfeldstein]

Right when I decided to get back into music my old neighbor invited me to join his band. I didn't have anyone else to play with so I said ok. His band consisted of him, a unbelievably loud metal drummer and me. Dude played a Fender combo amp, EQd with tons of low end. And he played it loud. Incomprehensibly loud. So loud that between the two of them I struggled to keep up with 500w into an Ampeg 810. Earplugs every minute of every rehearsal, not optional.

The material consisted of 10 of his songs. They pegged an 11 on the earnest-o-meter but only a 3 on the musicality-o-meter

Couldn't keep a singer interested. Went through two drummers, too. We paid a nominal fee to rehearse once a week in a rented room where the metal drummer carried on business transactions of dubious legality.

Eight months later, going nowhere, dude suddenly decides that we need to rehearse twice a week instead of once. I decide enough's enough. Besides, I've found a really good project to be involved in. It's time to bow out. I explain:

1. We're still doing the same dozen songs as when we started.

2. We still don't have a full lineup of members.

3. We haven't had a single gig.

4. We haven't recorded a single thing.

5. Alla y'all are fifteen years younger than me.

6. This style really isn't a good fit for me.

7. I have this other project that's more suited to my taste.

I expect he'll be upset. Mad at me, even. But my arguments are many and compelling. Surely he'll see my point.

No.

He basically told me to F myself and refused to speak to me for like three months. Outright said he didn't think we could be friends anymore. Seriously!

Point is, you never know. You can't control how people are going to act. You can only make sure you're doing what you think is right.

Good luck.

[electracoyote]

Originally Posted by scottfeldstein

I expect he'll be upset. Mad at me, even. But my arguments are many and compelling. Surely he'll see my point.

No.

He basically told me to F myself and refused to speak to me for like three months. Outright said he didn't think we could be friends anymore. Seriously!

See Post #9 above.

Not sayin' you didn't have good reasons to quit, just sayin'...

[scottfeldstein]

Originally Posted by electracoyote

See Post #9 above.

Not sayin' you didn't have good reasons to quit, just sayin'...

Ah. Good point. I give the impression that I blasted the heck out of him when I resigned. Not so! I basically said I thought it was time for me to bow out. I'd stick around long enough to get some of the material recorded if he wanted. He wanted to know why. Demanded to know why. And he basically pulled all the above information out of me, bit by bit. Not that any of it was secret! I'd spoken to him about all of these concerns and developments many times.

Trust me, I didn't hit the guy over the head with it.

[bluewine]

Originally Posted by ToadWarrior

So I've been in a band for about a year, and I'm getting kind of tired of it, we rarely gig, rent rehearsal space, and I drive myself and my guitarist there which costs alot considering the price of gas these days.

Toad, sounds like this band was never a match for you from day one.

We have been discussing this issue of guys joining bands that are a poor match for them.

Before auditioning or accepting an offer to join another band define what you want and require out of a band.

These types of bad band experiences don't have to happen.

One thing to keep in mind, you mentioned they didn't gig very much. Unless your in Portland or Seattle or any other area where originals bands have more opportunities to gig, you will never gig consistently or make much $$ in originals rock bands.

Define your requirements, don't make the same mistake twice.

Blue

[bluewine]

Originally Posted by scottfeldstein

He basically told me to F myself and refused to speak to me for like three months. Outright said he didn't think we could be friends anymore. Seriously!

Point is, you never know. You can't control how people are going to act. You can only make sure you're doing what you think is right. Good luck.

Hi Scott,

I hate to hear these frustrating stories about mis matched band opportunities. Glad you found a better opportunity.

Question, you also mentioned the band didn't gig, your a local to me so you must know that there are only a half dozen originals clubs in Milwaukee and it's basically a cover city.

Why did you join in the first place?

Blue

[charliefreak]

In my experience. Keep your head and the rest will be in the hands of your band-mates maturity. Fresh outta high School I toured with this God-awful pop punk band. I wasn't cocky or anything, but definitely the only one who paid attention in music class and sought private lessons throughout the duration of my childhood. I simply explained to them that I had a better opportunity for myself, which in turn was a good opportunity for them to find a more suitable bass player (who I replaced in a diiferent band down the road/ same deal happened).

Long story short, I hired a lawyer to protect my name. These were the most immature sons of guns out there, and I have reason to believe it would have went down the same even if I tugged them all off beforehand. They were too "hardcore" for their own good. SO, now I stick with mostly professionals. It's not the party of being in a garage bands... but it's steady and that's nice!

Fact of the matter- if it's not a band you're comfortable with quitting, then it's definitely not a band worth staying in.

[scottfeldstein]

Originally Posted by bluewine

Hi Scott,

I hate to hear these frustrating stories about mis matched band opportunities. Glad you found a better opportunity.

Question, you also mentioned the band didn't gig, your a local to me so you must know that there are only a half dozen originals clubs in Milwaukee and it's basically a cover city.

Why did you join in the first place?

Blue

Because I hadn't been in a band--or even owned a bass--in at least 12 years. Maybe 15. I bought the bass and the amp on a whim. Dude asked me the next day. I had no more music connections. And besides, I'd only seen his band once--at a gig! They played a short set along with some other bands at AMF lands on Northview road in Waukesha.

Besides, he was my good friend. So I said yes.

Later I realized I wanted--no, needed--to be involved in something more rewarding for me.

And my new band has no gigs right now, either! But they do have several self-produced albums.

[CS]

There's a financial implication in this situation. The band loses a third of the rent money and less importantly the guitarist loses transport he should have contributed to anyway.

IMHO find out when the rent is due and give the band a decent amount of notice, i.e. don't quit with no notice, just before the rent is due. That way they can decide what to do re the rental space and getting a replacement.

That's the best you can do and they will probably take it hard.