Singer Went Off The Deep End

Session1969 · #1 03-03-2013, 07:41 AM

Four months ago, I left the band I was playing in because our singer was showing up to half of our rehearsals with a hoarse voice from partying over the weekends prior. The writing was on the wall and I didn't want to witness or experience what I thought was going to be a sharp decline. We had a reunion jam last night and she's has gotten so much worse. Her voice is like gravel (when speaking and singing )and she's gained alot of weight. She sounds like a burnt out party girl when talking to her.

I actually felt depressed afterwords. I felt guilty for a minute because the band broke up after I left and I wondered if she would've gone downhill so fast had the band stuck together. Then I remembered that the reason I left was to avoid what I saw coming. Sad.

mellowinman · #2 03-03-2013, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Session1969

Four months ago, I left the band I was playing in because our singer was showing up to half of our rehearsals with a hoarse voice from partying over the weekends prior. The writing was on the wall and I didn't want to witness or experience what I thought was going to be a sharp decline. We had a reunion jam last night and she's has gotten so much worse. Her voice is like gravel (when speaking and singing )and she's gained alot of weight. She sounds like a burnt out party girl when talking to her.

I actually felt depressed afterwords. I felt guilty for a minute because the band broke up after I left and I wondered if she would've gone downhill so fast had the band stuck together. Then I remembered that the reason I left was to avoid what I saw coming. Sad.

Sad for her, but happy for you, because you are no longer required to deal with it. It's fine to feel empathy, but taking on other adults' problems, especially those they bring on themselves, is a waste of energy you could be using for things that are more worthwhile.

So, go ahead and be sad, and then GET OVER IT.

You didn't to anything to her.

And now, she is not able to do anything to YOU.

rodl2005 · #3 03-03-2013, 09:57 AM

Sounds like a burnt out party grrl, & IS a B.O.P.G. (with no band)

U gotta make the decisions like this in bands. You made the right choice.
I had to "fire" two of my best friends.

4Mal · #4 03-03-2013, 10:03 AM

As EVH who is no gem himself put it...LSD is lead Singer Disease ...

I split a band several years ago. After 6 months of 82 mile one way trips to rehearse and record I discover that the LS is bi polar and goes of his med's to write and this begins to explain some really bizarre behavior patterns, things get wired and all of a sudden there is an influx of new tunes... Still, I made a really good friend in that one and we're still close now so take some good away from it if you can... Sometime you just gotta take the walk.

I'll take 3 average folks with their heads on straight to a couple of 'super stars' any day....

pacojas · #5 03-03-2013, 10:17 AM

i feel ya,..

it's like leaving any relationship and realizing why (after seeing the after-math)!

i severed ties with a few close friends recently and they act like i was the problem. yet, when i see or hear of them,... it's all bad!

thank God for fore-sight!!!

the sad part is the sadness i feel and the denial they insist on.

pacojas · #6 03-03-2013, 10:59 AM

i feel ya,..

it's like leaving any relationship and realizing why (after seeing the after-math)!

i severed ties with a few close friends recently and they act like i was the problem. yet, when i see or hear of them,... it's all bad!

thank God for fore-sight!!!

the sad part is the sadness i feel and the denial they insist on.

Joebarnes · #7 03-03-2013, 11:00 AM

She destroyed her voice and put on a bunch of weight in four MONTHS? That's dedication.

**mjac28** · #8 03-03-2013, 11:08 AM

Did anyone in the band address these problems? it could have been something much deeper than just partying? the real "shame" would be if no one in the band did anything to help this girl sat back and watched her fall and then talked about her behind her back that's sad.

JakeF · #9 03-03-2013, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mjac28

Did anyone in the band address these problems? it could have been something much deeper than just partying? the real "shame" would be if no one in the band did anything to help this girl sat back and watched her fall and then talked about her behind her back that's sad.

+1 to this.

People tend to follow routines. If you put pressure on a system they tend to change. Sounds like a good opportunity to get out the listening skills and get her view.

Munjibunga · #10 03-03-2013, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mellowinman

Sad for her, but happy for you, because you are no longer required to deal with it. It's fine to feel empathy, but taking on other adults' problems, especially those they bring on themselves, is a waste of energy you could be using for things that are more worthwhile.

So, go ahead and be sad, and then GET OVER IT.

You didn't to anything to her.

And now, she is not able to do anything to YOU.

You stole the words right out of my mouth or, in other words, +1.

Munjibunga · #11 03-03-2013, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mjac28

Did anyone in the band address these problems? it could have been something much deeper than just partying? the real "shame" would be if no one in the band did anything to help this girl sat back and watched her fall and then talked about her behind her back that's sad.

It almost sounds like you're trying to put some blame on someone besides her. I've never felt any guilt about excising self-destructive people from my life.

**mjac28** · #12 03-03-2013, 11:39 AM

Not at all she did this to herself what I am saying is that if you sit back and watch someone self destruct without saying or doing anything to me that's wrong and if the person doesn't take your advice that is something all together different and by all means leave that situation that is why I asked the OP did anyone say or do anything for this woman.

Munjibunga · #13 03-03-2013, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mjac28

Not at all she did this to herself what I am saying is that if you sit back and watch someone self destruct without saying or doing anything to me that's wrong and if the person doesn't take your advice that is something all together different and by all means leave that situation that is why I asked the OP did anyone say or do anything for this woman.

My experience with drunks is that they don't want your advice. They already know what they're doing and they don't want anyone to rub their nose in it.

bassplayer8953 · #14 03-03-2013, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mjac28

Did anyone in the band address these problems? it could have been something much deeper than just partying? the real "shame" would be if no one in the band did anything to help this girl sat back and watched her fall and then talked about her behind her back that's sad.

Pardon me for being a wet blanket on this, but if she's past 18, she's an adult and responsible for her own decisions. If she has a significant other, that person might be able to guide her away from bad decisions. As a band member, if there's responsibility outside of being the best musician you can be, it's to make the band as marketable as possible. If something (or somebody) gets in the way of the marketability, that's a situation that must be dealt with. On occasion, that unfortunately means cutting someone loose, if they are holding you back. That's a very subjective call, and not one that can be made by a bunch of internet posters. If the majority made a choice to let her go, then she..not you...should see the writing on the wall, and straighten up. If she chooses her bad habits over the band, that's on her, not you. JMO...

**mjac28** · #15 03-03-2013, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Munjibunga

My experience with drunks is that they don't want your advice. They already know what they're doing and they don't want anyone to rub their nose in it.

And then there are some people who are in crisis that would have loved for someone or anyone to care just a bit? maybe it's the sign of the times and we are all on our own.

**mjac28** · #16 03-03-2013, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bassplayer8953

Pardon me for being a wet blanket on this, but if she's past 18, she's an adult and responsible for her own decisions. If she has a significant other, that person might be able to guide her away from bad decisions. As a band member, if there's responsibility outside of being the best musician you can be, it's to make the band as marketable as possible. If something (or somebody) gets in the way of the marketability, that's a situation that must be dealt with. On occasion, that unfortunately means cutting someone loose, if they are holding you back. That's a very subjective call, and not one that can be made by a bunch of internet posters. If the majority made a choice to let her go, then she..not you...should see the writing on the wall, and straighten up. If she chooses her bad habits over the band, that's on her, not you. JMO...

You win.

bassplayer8953 · #17 03-03-2013, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mjac28

You win.

Believe me, not trying to "win", and I've been waaaay to closely involved with people with those kinds of issues. In fact, we have 2 beautiful daughters, adopted (by us) due to a situation like that. (We're not related to "her", but probably know more about the situation than others might, due to "circumstances"). DCFS took the girls, she didn't correct things, so....

...ultimately, she (singer-chick) is responsible..for herself. As a band member, you can empathize, but to actually clean up one's act, well, that's up to them.

Session1969 · #18 03-03-2013, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mjac28

Did anyone in the band address these problems? it could have been something much deeper than just partying? the real "shame" would be if no one in the band did anything to help this girl sat back and watched her fall and then talked about her behind her back that's sad.

We addressed the problem several times and she responded like she didn't care. Her father was the keyboardist as well. I don't want to go into his parenting (or lack there of). He acts like her friend not her father.

Renaissance · #19 03-03-2013, 12:54 PM

I think there are two issues here.

1 - If the band has designs to be a professional endeavor then it's members need to treat it as a business. Problems need to be dealt with accordingly.

2 - We're all human. You don't have to get all invested in someone to ask how they are.

IPYF · #20 03-03-2013, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Session1969

We addressed the problem several times and she responded like she didn't care. Her father was the keyboardist as well. I don't want to go into his parenting (or lack there of). He acts like her friend not her father.

This is super weird. I'd be in the wind in a situation like that. I wouldn't have even gone back for the reunion fiddle.

Maybe it's just a phase. When people are living hard their musicality suffers and it's worst with vocalists. I wouldn't write this person off as a musician for good, but I would leave the band and refuse to consider coming back until she could prove she wasn't in this position. I'd also ensure that she knew that she was the problem so at least she might identify the early signs of ruining her health and some elements of her life.

It's good that you left really. That means that you can identify a sucky situation and act accordingly. Lot's of musicians are suckers for punishment and just pretend like nothing is going on, just so the band won't fall apart.