Snubbed?

[hammer2748]

I just returned to work with my band 1st time since bypass surgery 4/10. Only missed one show. My wife also was diagnosed last month with stage 3 lung cancer. An old friend of the band and former bassist 7-8 years ago (left because the work was too slow) covered for me. Due to the circumstances in my life I indicated that I hoped to return by 06/15, work through the summer and calling it quits after Labor Day. The new bassist was asked if he'd like to take the reins. He indicated he would, but I ended up recovering quicker than I thought, came back last night only to find out that "we'd have to talk about what shows I'll do and what shows the new guy will do." Their justification is that he cleared his calendar for the summer, terminated with his other band so they think it would only be fair to split the remaining shows with him until Labor Day. 1st, I would understand if we were talking about shows up through 06/15, I clearly indicated in emails and phone calls that once I did return (not later than 06/30), I would be good for any and all dates, currently booked and new through Labor Day. None of this stuff through the summer was discussed with me. It just happened. I've been with this band for 6 years and feel very insulted at the turn of events. Sorry for the rant....had to get this off my chest.

Hammer

[Munjibunga]

That blows, indeed.

[Mojo-Man]

[quote=hammer2748;4207057]I just returned to work with my band 1st time since bypass surgery 4/10. Only missed one show. My wife also was diagnosed last month with stage 3 lung cancer. An old friend of the band and former bassist 7-8 years ago (left because the work was too slow) covered for me. Due to the circumstances in my life I indicated that I hoped to return by 06/15, work through the summer and calling it quits after Labor Day. The new bassist was asked if he'd like to take the reins. He indicated he would, but I ended up recovering quicker than I thought, came back last night only to find out that "we'd have to talk about what shows I'll do and what shows the new guy will do." Their justification is that he cleared his calendar for the summer, terminated with his other band so they think it would only be fair to split the remaining shows with him until Labor Day. 1st, I would understand if we were talking about shows up through 06/15, I clearly indicated in emails and phone calls that once I did return (not later than 06/30), I would be good for any and all dates, currently booked and new through Labor Day. None of this stuff through the summer was discussed with me. It just happened. I've been with this band for 6 years and feel very insulted at the turn of events. Sorry for the rant....had to get this off my chest.

Thats Hard,
Sounds like they are looking long term.
They should honor your gigs till labor Day.
But, with band situations, they want to appease both bassists.
Same thing happened to me once.
Since I was leaving like you, I just played gigs they gave me.
Did not want any long term anger, between friends.

[hammer2748]

[quote=Mojo-Man;4207320]

Originally Posted by hammer2748

Thats Hard,
Sounds like they are looking long term.
They should honor your gigs till labor Day.
But, with band situations, they want to appease both bassists.
Same thing happened to me once.
Since I was leaving like you, I just played gigs they gave me.
Did not want any long term anger, between friends.

I understand they need to look long term. But 1st, friends don't do that, 2nd it was never discussed with me. I guess that's why I feel the way I do. Thanks for the advice thought. It's taken to heart.

Best,
Hammer

[T-Bird]

Hi, Hammer.

So sorry to hear that. I felt bad enough when I read Your post asking about the time needed after the by-pass to start playing again, and now this.

Why is it that the so called friends seem to sooner or later "test" Your friendship with a stunt like that, whatever the reason may be? And expext one to just let it pass, I couldn't that's for sure. And worst of all we're no teenagers who do this type of things just because they don't know better.

I had a similar experience a few years back. ( A long one, sorry)

I was a semi-pro sound engineer and occasionally played a few gigs. We had really good time with the FOH guy and eventually became what I would call "good friends" ( we are both bass players). I was asked to replace a guitar player in their band, because he moved to another town. So I played my acoustic 12 string with the group for a year or so and seemed to blend in quite well.
Then I had an motorcycle accident (yep, "didn't see You" U-turn type of an accident) and after a month, snap, my right ear went dead. The doctors didn't know then and still don't, what caused it, but "it had nothing to do with the accident" they said.
So that was the end of the sound engineer "career" and pretty much end of my playing also. We had a practice session every now and then and as long as I didn't sing it was ok, not great, but we weren't that tight in the first place. So I was exited as hell, when they asked me if I wanted to play with them in a small festival nearby. The following months I kept asking when we start rehearsing for the gig (we saw eachother in a daily basis) and was eventually told that the gig was off That was a bummer, I had so waited and rehearsed on my own for that gig.

Then one day when I was working on my bike in the same building where our band space was, I noticed that my "bandmates" were loading stuff to their van and asked where they were going? The answer: To the gig we've been talking about.
Nice move bros.
I lost 4 "friends" in a second, and felt really, really bad. Not about the gig, those come and go, but the lack of balls and lying and loosing what I always considered a friendship.

If You don't mind an advice from a youngster like me, please don't make the same mistake I did, it still haunts me to this very day some 8 years later. But don't let them get away with it either, try to get them to agree for more gigs for You, if not all of them, untill the labor Day.

They may look long term in band-wise, but IMO extremely short sighted in terms of friendship.

Tis is just my narrow point of wiew, but real friendship is rare and valuable thing, and once it's lost, even a little bit, it'll never be quite the same again. Not for me anyway.

Sorry for even longer rant.

Regards
Sam

[hammer2748]

Thanks for sharing T-Bird. So sorry to hear of your misfortunes as well. Your circumstances pretty much nailed it on the head.

Coincidentally one of the guitarists and I had a conversation about this whole mess. I didn't want to have the discussion today as we had a show tonight, but he wouldn't let it go and tried hard for me to understand his position which was based (he admitted) purely on assumption. I did exactly what you suggested and got him square between the eyes and told him just how insulted I was and that after being with this band for 6 years deserved to at least be consulted before turning my gig over to someone else. The end result is that we are supposed to get together this week for a rehearsal and sit-down to iron this out. At the end of the show tonight, he agreed that he would work things out and try and make it right with me. I guess I was direct enough with him. Thanks for the good advice and good luck on your end.

Best,
Hammer

[T-Bird]

Hi, Hammer

Happy to hear that Your bandmates are willing to discuss the situation, to Your benefit I hope. They probably don't have a clue what it means to lose something one holds dear because of an outside force one can't do a thing about.

Mine was and still is only an annoyance, but Yours forces to make radical desicisions, and that's always a bummer.

Luckily for me, I've managed to get partly over the fact that I'm half deaf, even formed a "therapy" band a few years back and learned to sing again despite the awful boom in my head while singing.

I sincerely hope that things work out for You and Your wife as well.

Best regards
Sam

[agreatheight]

I can see where you might feel slighted, but I would try not to take it too personally. My guess is they were just trying to plan ahead and cover themselves in case you couldn't make it back. As you are quitting anyhow maybe try to look on the positive side of things; this will give you more time to rest / recover and more time to spend time with your wife. It'll give you freedom to transition to whatever you are doing next. You will still get to play some gigs - try to enjoy them!

[hammer2748]

I haven't lost sight of the fact that this whole matter pales in comparison to the challenges I have at home, for sure. I guess the thing that I took so personally is the fact that if I'm hanging up things (at least for a while), I wanted to get as much is as I possibly could before then. At 52, not sure how quickly I'd be able to get back in the game in this market once I get out (Hartford area entertainment market really stinks).

Ah well, what will be will be, and you're right agreatheight, the flip side is I'll be home. Well thanks all for this theraputic discussion.

T-Bird, if we don't cross paths again soon, best of luck. Really glad to hear you've found a means to stay in the game. Keep it going if you can. One thing we all share here is the love of music at its ability to heal the soul, the mind, and in some cases, the body. Take great care and drop me a line anytime.

Best,
Hammer

[rockdoc11]

Of course, every one of us is different.

That said, if it was me and I knew the rest of the band wanted a different guy in the bass chair, I'd hate to be there, and would walk away from all of it immediately.

YMMV . . .

[hammer2748]

Originally Posted by rockdoc11

Of course, every one of us is different.

That said, if it was me and I knew the rest of the band wanted a different guy in the bass chair, I'd hate to be there, and would walk away from all of it immediately.

YMMV . . .

Well, that is something I don't know as of yet. I know the drummer wasn't aware and wasn't happy about it. So far, the one guitarist is the only one who spoke of it with me, although his brother (guitar/keys) must be aware, though I'm not sure where he falls on this. All this will be discussed tomorrow night. If the case is as you say, then certainly my departure will happen promptly. As you indicated, I have no desire to be where I'm not wanted. Thanks.

Best,
Hammer

[QORC]

snubbed isn't the right word. "Stabbed in the back" is more like it.

Clearly they like this guy and probably would prefer he was their bassist, or they wouldn't be presenting this scenario to you.

"Loyalty" is a word no one seems to know anymore. If it were me, I'd be pretty f'ing mad and I'd probably say "ya know what? You can keep him. I'm outta here."

if you're a good bassist, there are other opportunities. Don't ever let a band take you for granted or treat you like crap.

ever.

[QORC]

Originally Posted by agreatheight

I can see where you might feel slighted, but I would try not to take it too personally. My guess is they were just trying to plan ahead and cover themselves in case you couldn't make it back. As you are quitting anyhow maybe try to look on the positive side of things; this will give you more time to rest / recover and more time to spend time with your wife. It'll give you freedom to transition to whatever you are doing next. You will still get to play some gigs - try to enjoy them!

but if he SAYS he's back, then why even CONSIDER splitting gigs so far into the future.

I'm sorry. That dog just don't hunt!

[hammer2748]

Well diplomacy won out over warfare! After expressing my displeasure with decisions that seemed to be getting made and how that made me feel (I wasn't so diplomatic about that, but it quickly brought the matter to the fore). So after Saturday night's show, we agreed to meet and round-table the matter this evening before rehearsal (along with other band business), but all the other parties spoke prior to tonight and agreed that there was a gross misunderstanding of my intentions upon my return and the guitarist with whom I spoke regarding my return weeks ago apologized for making assumptions. They unanimously expressed their desire to maintain the integrity of the band as is through Labor Day weekend. All's well. Whew! Glad that's over. Thanks for the kind words and advice on the matter. Take care all.

Best,
Hammer

[Munjibunga]

Way to hum.

[T-Bird]

Hi, Hammer.

Glad to hear that.

All the best for You and Your wife.

Take care
Sam