Spousal permission

[seangoespostal]

I recently got called to fill in for a band at a local bar. Seems that the band that was supposed to play double booked and bailed on this gig. So I say "yeah, I think we can play," then proceed to call the other band members. One of the guitar players, Rick, says, "I'll ask Charlene (his wife.)" I call the drummer, John, who says "What did Rick say?" When I told him Rick needed permission from his wife, John said "I'll have to check with my wife, too."
I understand the need for married guys to preserve domestic tranquility, but I get really irked when I have to make eight phone calls to these two p****whipped husbands just to take a gig. I hate to look like an idiot to whoever is hiring us, "yeah, sounds good, I just have to make sure it's cool with everyone's wife."
Maybe I should call their wives directly, "Charlene, can Ricky play guitar on Saturday?"
Does anybody out there deal with this sort of thing?
Am I expecting too much from these guys?

[LeoFenderBender]

Am I correct in saying that you have never been married?

[msquared]

Originally Posted by LeoFenderBender

Am I correct in saying that you have never been married?

If he has been, it probably wasn't for long.

[Depth_Charge]

Yes. You are. Married men can't always drop everything for you, and if they push the boundaries at home too much you might not have a band.

And perhaps next time you could tell the owner of a venue you will check first. It won't save you the phone calls, but it will prevent an expectation being raised your band can do it - both with the venue asking, and with you.

[Coolcow666]

Same exact situation happened to my band last weekend. We got a gig out of the blue and had to turn around and cancel because the drummers wife said heck no. I don't think I could stay married if my wife had control of all decisions!

To get back to what you were asking, no, I don't think you are expecting too much but unfortunately it seems to be a universal fact of life for some married people. Sucks but C'est la vie.

As long as the gigs are semi-planned in advance everything seems kosher but add a little spontaneity and it all goes to hell for (some) married people.

Liam

[Jazz Ad]

If music is your job, asking the wife seems unnecessary. Work comes first.
If it's a hobby, asking the wife seems like the right thing to do. It's a matter of respect.

[Last call]

seems like more often than not chicks get in teh way of great music... my band has had issues with wives and girlfriends not wantin to let people play and coming to practices and getting in the way and bringing the vibes down and not allowing for a creative environment.. cant live with em.. definitely cant live without em tho either

[bassteban]

I think it would be more diplomatic & look better to say 'let me double-check w/everybody so we can be sure we're all available'. No need to specifically point out anyone's whippedness. If you(all)can make you can make it- if not, not. If playing w/people who value their families over the band is unacceptable to you, you might consider finding another gig. BTW- yes, I am also happily p-whipped. You might try it sometime.

[seangoespostal]

1. I was married for 8 years, and I never turned down a gig.
2. I've been living with my girlFIEND

[bassteban]

1. Married 14 years this October
2. She's my ex-girlfriend(lived together for 8 years to the day, broke up & got married)
Also BTW, she has never adversely affected my gigs, but again, if your band mates priorities don't match yours, consider another gig.

[barebones]

Originally Posted by seangoespostal

1. I was married for 8 years, and I never turned down a gig.
2. I've been living with my girlFIEND

Whoa. Did you really mean to say "girlFIEND"? If not, that's a big Freudian slip there.

Anyway, I've been married for 16 years, and I've got leeway to do most anything I want gig-wise. Don't really have to clear it with the wife.

I still sometimes ask her first, though, because I'm so scatter-brained with keeping track of my schedule that I have occasionally double-booked myself. My wife has actually saved me a couple of times when she's said things like, "I thought you said you were already playing with so-and-so that night..." To which I have said, "Oops," and promptly called the other band back to make the necessary adjustments to the schedule.

In a lot of ways, my wife has a far more organized approach to my musical endeavors than I do, so it's good to be able to run things by her now and then. Again, I don't have to. But if that little voice in the back of my cluttered mind says, "Hang on, dude--don't you have something else that night?" I seek the counsel of my spousal unit.

Matt

[seangoespostal]

Screwed up my last post, dang fingers.

Been w/ girlfiend 9 years.

I ended up taking the gig w/ another band I work with whose members said "yes" without hesitation.

I think I'm just frustrated because this thing has happened before, so I stopped playing w/ them. Then they called me up and promised me they were "serious this time."

I've always made it clear to any of the women I've been with where my priorities lie. They either accept it, or move on. and I've never had a problem w/ my current girlFIEND.

I've also let these guys know that I'm going to offer any gigs that come up to the other two bands I'm playing with. They just dropped from #1 to #3 on my priority list.

[Caca de Kick]

I am married as is everyone in my band. I (as well as my band members) don't stand for crap like that. If we have a gig, I tell my wife I have a gig, and they do too.
Men need to learn how to keep their pellotas in place, and be in charge of their own lives. (yes I've been married for 13yrs)

If you're a gigging musician these sorts of subjects should already be laid out in your lives with your significant others.
If they're not, you probably shouldn't be in a band situation.

Topics like this irk me about some men, and I don't get it.
Respecting a woman and p****whipping yourself to a woman are two different things.

-Mike

[DanGouge]

Context is everything in this case. It's not just how serious your band is, it's also the personalities of the members (and their spouses). Are they spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment types? Their wives would be used to it anyway. And why does this particular reason irk you? What if those guys were gigging with other bands? What if it was related to any day-job they had?

[seangoespostal]

If a gig came up that conflicted with a day-job or a gig with another band, the answer would be "no, I can't do it." If plans were made with the significant other, the answer should be "sorry, but I already have plans."
What I don't get is this "I need to ask my wife/girlfriend/mommy if I can play that night."

[seansbrew]

Originally Posted by seangoespostal

I recently got called to fill in for a band at a local bar. Seems that the band that was supposed to play double booked and bailed on this gig. So I say "yeah, I think we can play," then proceed to call the other band members. One of the guitar players, Rick, says, "I'll ask Charlene (his wife.)" I call the drummer, John, who says "What did Rick say?" When I told him Rick needed permission from his wife, John said "I'll have to check with my wife, too."
I understand the need for married guys to preserve domestic tranquility, but I get really irked when I have to make eight phone calls to these two p****whipped husbands just to take a gig. I hate to look like an idiot to whoever is hiring us, "yeah, sounds good, I just have to make sure it's cool with everyone's wife."
Maybe I should call their wives directly, "Charlene, can Ricky play guitar on Saturday?"
Does anybody out there deal with this sort of thing?
Am I expecting too much from these guys?

One reason why men do this is that they can't remember what the hell they committed to last week, nor might they remember what their wife's plans are.

In some cases it's consideration. My wife and I both have hobby's as well as a child. With child coming first we try our best to accommodate one another when it comes to hobbies.
Sometimes a spur of the moment decision would not be appropriate to make without making sure I have not allotted my time to something else.

Another reason men do this is because they never established themselves for who they are and what they want in life. They live in fear of a fight So they allow their woman to dictate what they are going to do so as not to upset them. I have seen this time and time again. "No I can't do it, she'll get mad."

The best thing you can do is decide if you can live with this type of band situation. If it makes you that unhappy, don't be in a band with married people.

As for me, I tend to gravitate towards musicians who are married and have kids (I'm sure you can tell by now I do this for a hobby). Having these things in common makes it easier to get along.

I mean, how can a single guy with no kids who lives in an apartment understand where I am coming from in life.

[MadMark5]

Originally Posted by seangoespostal

If a gig came up that conflicted with a day-job or a gig with another band, the answer would be "no, I can't do it." If plans were made with the significant other, the answer should be "sorry, but I already have plans."
What I don't get is this "I need to ask my wife/girlfriend/mommy if I can play that night."

I'm with this 100%. my soon to be wife pretty much lets me take last minute gigs IF we didn't have plans otherwise. but if you made plans with your girlfriend/wife, that should be respected by the guys in your band. of course this would also depend on whether you were up front with said guys when you joined. everyone in my band knows my situation because I explained it before I joined.
on top of that, I let the guy in our band who handles booking know when I make plans with my girl, that way he knows ahead of time if I'm free. sometimes that saves him a phone call, and I see it as a respect thing because he has to handle the booking. also we have a good enough friendship where if he calls me knowing I have plans, I know it's an important gig and will bargain with the wifey to play, and pay her back at a later date....
it really comes down to communication within your band....

[IanStephenson]

Sure i'd check - if I take a gig I'm commiting her to staying in and minding our daughter. She might have plans that night (for herself or both/all of us). It's not about asking permission, but checking that it's not going to cause her problems that i don't know about (or have forgotten).

"1. I _WAS_ married for 8 years, and I never turned down a gig."

you think there might be a connection there?

Ian

[seangoespostal]

A connection? No, I traded her for a newer model.

[Baryonyx]

Sometimes I suppose you'd have to put your wife first. I've never been married, so I can't comment on this but somethings I guess are more important than playing a few songs in a bar.