Thinking of calling it quits with a band. (longish)

invader3k · #1 02-01-2008, 07:32 AM

OK, story as old as rock music...I've been in the same "bar rock" type of cover band for about seven years. My best friend plays guitar and sings in it. We've been through quite a few drummers in the timespan of the band (about seven, including our current one being with us twice now).

I've told the story before, but back in summer of '06, we were doing really well. We'd added a lead singer, and were getting great feedback from everyone. We were doing paying gigs regularly. Then, that October, the singer and drummer ditched us to start their own thing, without any kind of warning. We struggled for a while to find a new drummer and singer, both of whom didn't work out. Then, this past summer, around July, we got one of our old drummers to come back. Ultimately, we only played two shows in the entire calendar year '07.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago...we were supposed to have practice and the drummer no-showed. Second time this has happened with him in about a month. We called him, no response. Tried calling him again a couple days ago, no response. We know he's been having problems at home, and his name is listed as a defendant in an upcoming trial listed on the state circuit court website. We feel he's fallen back into his old habits that he had when he was first with us a few years back...unreliable, lack of reliable transportation, and drinking too much. Sad thing is, when he has his head on straight, he's actually a really good drummer. Too bad he has a crummy no-name drum kit that badly needs the hardware replaced.

I'm tired of it. I feel like this band has been a dying horse for the last year and a half. I've tried to stay positive and keep going, but it seems like we have constantly had to hit the "reset" button over the last two years. I don't feel like I have the energy/desire to find a new drummer again. Also, as I've explained to the other guys, I am running my own business now (with three locations). I don't have time to play manager, when no one else is willing to step up and try to get gigs (to be fair, the guitarist does manage our Myspace site).

I also have two other bands interested in me...one is a blues group (basic "12 bar" stuff), and I'm basically "in", if I want to be. Musicianship is decent, they are looking at adding a female lead singer, and seem motivated to get gigs right now (at least they claim). I also just had a guitarist call me about a cover band he plays in, that does more modern songs, has two female front persons, and has their own dedicated practice/studio space. Haven't met any of them yet, but they seem serious about getting out and playing consistently.

So...we're supposed to have practice tomorrow afternoon (the first group I'm in). I am assuming the drummer is going to no-show. The tough part will be discussing with the guitarist/singer where to go from here. I think I want to tell him I at least want to go on "hiatus" for now. The hard part, is that he's my best friend, and he's invested a lot of time and money into this band (though I have as well). Thoughts?

Busker · #2 02-01-2008, 07:42 AM

Your band problems are a lot like problems I've had (not with my current band, but before). You can always hook up with your guitar player friend at a later date, if you want to go with that blues band for a while. Or maybe, you could find a band looking for both a bassist and guitarist and go to a new band as a unit.

simandlhandle · #3 02-01-2008, 07:54 AM

The guitarist who is your best freind , may be feeling the same. He might have had offers from other bands like you have. He might be staying in the band because he doesn't want to let you down, and lose you as a freind?
You are not going to find out whether any of this is true until you discuss it with your freind. Broach the subject and gauge his reaction. You might find it is all straight forward: end of mutually frustrating band, beginning or the rest of your musical life.

martyman5000 · #4 02-01-2008, 07:58 AM

I quit a band and then weeks later regret it when I have to look for another. I have a guitarist but no drummer and now another band is asking me to try out so I need to tell the guitarist I won't need him. The band already has two guitarists and they play a different style of music.

brianrost · #5 02-01-2008, 08:04 AM

Seems like there are so many posts like this, never "I really love my band" posts instead

Anyway, I think by posting you already know the answer, maybe you just want some support to tell you it's OK to shut the band down and join one (or both) of the ones who are interested in you.

After many years I have a simple rule: if the band is not gigging regularly I quit. Certainly I wouldn't hang around in any band that only gigged twice a year.

Busker · #6 02-01-2008, 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brianrost

After many years I have a simple rule: if the band is not gigging regularly I quit. Certainly I wouldn't hang around in any band that only gigged twice a year.

How many is enough then? The band I'm in has only had 10 gigs in 6 months and I'm starting to get itchy feet. But the next band will probably have its own set of problems, so I stay a while longer to see if it will work out.

rappa29 · #7 02-01-2008, 08:17 AM

We just put our cover band on 'hiatus' last night. Drummer, guitarist and I agreed that none of us have the time or energy to go through the audition process again looking for a singer.

It happens, especially after the length of time that you've put it in. Having to press 'reset' every month or so and not having consistant and reliable members drains everyone.

Be thankful for that good 7 year run you had and explore other opportunities. There's nothing wrong with that and if you and the guitarist are best friends, not playing in a band together shouldn't change that.

Every new beginning is some other beginning's end.

bassbully · #8 02-01-2008, 08:34 AM

If it is taking that much out of you to keep it going i say move on and join another band. Keeping a band up and going is alot of work and along with your job your getting stressed out. My #1 saying about music is ITS GOTTA BE FUN! If not i'm out. I have a job dont need another. There is not enough money in weekend gigs etc to be spending extra hours putting in for your band not to gig. If you were giging at least there would be a payoff (fun).

I agree with the others who say if a band is not giging and progressive in giging and activly seeking out gigs ...im out. I dont have time for start up or basement bands. Im still pretty new at this game but a good enough player to play bar/club gigs and do a good job so why practice songs for 8 months in a garage?

If you can find a band that needs another guitarist take your buddie if not i would join which ever of those two bands which offers the best chance of getting gigs and putting on a good show. Good luck.

CincyBassMan · #9 02-01-2008, 08:44 AM

^^ +1000 What BassBully sez...He is getting wise to this gig thang...

Russ

bassbully · #10 02-01-2008, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CincyBassMan

^^ +1000 What BassBully sez...He is getting wise to this gig thang...

Russ

Thanks Russ live and learn brother...live and learn..LOL.

Vanceman · #11 02-01-2008, 05:07 PM

Jeez, who hasn't gone thru this? One of the bad things about being in a band, I guess.

Quote:

Originally Posted by brianrost

Seems like there are so many posts like this, never "I really love my band" posts instead

Yeah. Even if you love your band, like I do, something will always happen. The married couple in my band just separated, and although both want to continue, I'm scared.

I really love them both, and this is killing me.

invader3k · #12 02-02-2008, 05:00 PM

Well, we met today, and decided to call it quits, at least for now. We both decided we were tired of the drummer being unreliable, and he basically said he didn't have it in him to try and find another drummer yet again, which I definitely agreed with. He did say he was mad about me playing with other bands without telling him (though I had actually mentioned at least one of the groups...I think he thought I was playing with other groups more regularly than I actually have been...I wouldn't consider three jam sessions over the course of almost three months to be "cheating" on the band). Anyway, I did apologize and he accepted, so the friendship seems to be fine. We actually spent quite a bit of time afterwards just chatting about stuff, so things seem good.

While it does feel weird to have something you've been a part of for eight years come to an end, I think I'm relieved. I got the feeling that he is as well, at least partly.

kerryg · #13 02-02-2008, 05:07 PM

But sometimes life's like an airlock. The door behind you has to be fully closed before the door ahead of you will open.

twangchief · #14 02-02-2008, 05:20 PM

A guy I know has been known to say, "Trying to keep a band together is like trying to herd cats!"

Yep!

invader3k · #15 02-03-2008, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twangchief

A guy I know has been known to say, "Trying to keep a band together is like trying to herd cats!"

Yep!

Yeah, but in this case, we managed to go for about eight years, and it was my first band, believe it or not. I think we at least accomplished something...played quite a few shows over the years, with probably the majority being paid gigs, so it's not like we never got out of the basement.

BuffaloBass · #16 02-04-2008, 08:39 AM

ABSOLUTELY, it WAS a success, but what about NOW? Advice from my vocation ( investments), not my avocation ( groove) ..

Cut your losses and DONT LOOK BACK! Life too short to fart around. The airlock Kerry refers to is a heuristic thing, you have to be willing to move ahead, and drop baggge once in a while. Its the "pheonixes" f our life, adn they;re a good thing.

Hey, I'm near 47, run a business and a fmaily, so my tolerance of bullcrap is zilch. Again, time aint waitin' on me. And the music thing is supposed to fun. If it gets too much like work, I'm gone. As a matter of point of reference.

invader3k · #17 02-04-2008, 11:18 AM

Exactly. What's done is done, though. I actually am supposed to jam later today with a blues group (played with them twice before...they're pretty good, but need a lead singer), so we'll see how that goes.

I've basically told myself that I'm not going to rush into anything ,though. I'm going to take my time and find the group that makes the most sense. I'll try to jam with as many different people as possible for a while, and if the group seems shaky, I'm not going to commit.

BillyRay · #18 02-04-2008, 11:30 AM

I really do not get why the guitarist was mad that you played with other people without "telling" him. A band is not a mariage, altough it often bears a lot of ressemblance to it. As long as the side-projects doesn't interfere or the main band doesn't become your side-project, it should have no effect on your bandmates. You cannot cheat on a band unless you start to give less than your full potential... and from the tone of your post, you tried very hard to make it work.

A lot of people do subwork, let alone jam, with various bands from time to time (I know I do), without being sure that they notice everyone involved in their current main thing ! The only time I'll make sure that my band knows I'm playing with another band is if I want them to come and see the show

Good luck with the new bands. If they need a lead singer, can you sing and play ?

punkbassistfc · #19 02-04-2008, 11:44 AM

lifes too short to be stagnant. You need to move on man

kerryg · #20 02-04-2008, 12:29 PM

Quote:

I really do not get why the guitarist was mad that you played with other people without "telling" him. A band is not a mariage, altough it often bears a lot of ressemblance to it. As long as the side-projects doesn't interfere or the main band doesn't become your side-project, it should have no effect on your bandmates. You cannot cheat on a band unless you start to give less than your full potential... and from the tone of your post, you tried very hard to make it work.

From the POV of us guys that do this for a living, that's just inappropriate and you don't need to take that one on.

I understand that the rules of friendship don't follow the rules of professionalism; friendship is extremely important to me - but stick to your guns on this one with gentleness and kindness. You can't surrender the right to grow and utilize your abilities that easily.