Trying to leave a band without hurting friendships

panama · #1 03-29-2011, 07:54 AM

Here is the short version:

Met drummer last spring and became pretty good friends. Started jamming in Fall. Found guitar player and we're now decent friends. Introduced 2nd guitarist with terrible results (his personality and the drummer's didn't go well together) so he was booted. I enjoyed jamming with guitarist 2 so much that I contacted him recently to see what he was up to. He wants to start a band with me. I enjoyed his style more than guitarist #1, so I am considering it.

How do I leave drummer and guitarist #1 to join guitarist #2 without severing my friendships? Do I quit the band and keep my participation in another band a secret until I think I'm comfortable enough with my decision? Drummer is in Grad school and having a baby in the Fall - I think feelings will be less hurt if I tell him about my new band after he is too busy to care.

This sucks.

tdub0199 · #2 03-29-2011, 07:59 AM

I would be upfront and tell Guitarist #1 and the drummer how you feel, I promise you will feel better in the end just being honest....

panama · #3 03-29-2011, 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tdub0199

I would be upfront and tell Guitarist #1 and the drummer how you feel, I promise you will feel better in the end just being honest....

I know that honesty is the best policy, but guitarist #2 had some very scathing parting words for the drummer when that episode ended. Things that most people think but never say.

This is a purely musical decision. I do like guitarist #2, but the main factor in this is that I feel like his writing and playing makes my playing better.

AwkwardLoudness · #4 03-29-2011, 08:35 AM

Just tell the drummer and guit #1 that you have mild creative differences with them and part ways amicably.

Mike Dimin · #5 03-29-2011, 08:38 AM

why not just play in both bands. Playing in bands is not like a marriage -you will not be "cheating" on anyone

panama · #6 03-29-2011, 08:52 AM

Oh that's comical! I have a full time job, a home, a wife, a child, in-laws and immediate family that I have to include into my weekly schedule. Plus I am a runner (3 evenings/week) and my wife has obligations (2 evenings/week). 1 band is literally all I have time for.

I don't expect you to assume that, but it did make me almost spit my coffee out.

panama · #7 03-29-2011, 08:55 AM

Here is the email I am about to send:

Hey guys

After some thought I don't think the band is going to work for me. I think both of you are awesome and really enjoyed playing music with you. It's difficult as you get older to find friends...schedules never match up, responsibilities get in the way, etc etc and before you know it you've got no friends. This happened to me and I was lucky enough to meet Drummer through my neighbour and you're a great friend and Guitarist#1, meeting you through craigslist was a really nice surprise. I'm almost happy you're a Bruins fan because I think it's more fun to banter with a Bruins fan than it is to complain with a Habs fan!

I value my friendship with both of you and hope we can maintain that by grabbing drinks or coffee or lunch when it works for us. Guitarist#1 I think we should plan on watching a couple of playoff games together. If it's not too weird my Dad has a nice Sony 55" TV and I know he always likes company over to watch games. Drummer I know you're going to have some baby questions - ask them before it's too late!

Actually I have 1 thing to tell you - and people told me this when my Wife was pregs and we were like "yeah whatever" - everything you do right now is going to take 3 times longer when you have a baby. If you have a series of errands or things you need to do and you think it's going to take 2 or 3 hours - it will now take all day and you may not even finish. It's seriously insane. Just getting out the door is like a 30 minute process. I'm really happy for you and your Wife though. You're going to be an awesome Dad and by the time your little one is here my Daughter will be obsessed with babies and want to hold and kiss yours. It'll be great.

Talk to you guys soon

sean

p.s. i'll txt you or something to find out when i can pick up my gear

tdub0199 · #8 03-29-2011, 08:57 AM

I still say "There is nothing above being Honest".... in the end this is YOUR decision to make.... I look at it this way, when I'm dead & gone, I want my honesty and integrity to say something about ME, plus it's all I can take to grave with me.....

Mike Dimin · #9 03-29-2011, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by panama

Oh that's comical! I have a full time job, a home, a wife, a child, in-laws and immediate family that I have to include into my weekly schedule. Plus I am a runner (3 evenings/week) and my wife has obligations (2 evenings/week). 1 band is literally all I have time for.

I don't expect you to assume that, but it did make me almost spit my coffee out.

Sorry. My only job is music. I now understand

panama · #10 03-29-2011, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tdub0199

I still say "There is nothing above being Honest".... in the end this is YOUR decision to make.... I look at it this way, when I'm dead & gone, I want my honesty and integrity to say something about ME, plus it's all I can take to grave with me.....

Well, in a way I am being honest by saying this band isn't going to work for me. I'm just leaving out the fact that I'm seeing if another band will work out for me.

panama · #11 03-29-2011, 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike Dimin

Sorry. My only job is music. I now understand

It's cool. We all choose different paths

delta7fred · #12 03-29-2011, 09:19 AM

Being upfront and honest is always best. If you aren't it will only come back and bite you.

I would phone then rather than emailing though, I always think direct communication on a matter like this is better. Email can be a bit of a cop out and impersonal (IMO etc).

You proposed email seems to ramble on a bit, you obviously put some thought into it and cannot convey the message in just a few words.

Edit.

As already said, if you have the time then why not be in 2 bands.

T-Bird · #13 03-29-2011, 09:30 AM

Hi.

Good luck.

Judging by the op, and the e-mail You're about to send, I think you're going to need some.

Regards
Sam

panama · #14 03-29-2011, 09:39 AM

Actually I think it'll be fine, but thanks.

singlemalt · #15 03-29-2011, 10:13 AM

The drummer won't believe you, but you are dead on with the baby advice. He's going to be sidelined by a new life and no sleep.

Lots of guys here will relate. You've been there.

Don't do it by email, at least make time to call.

**A Strohman** · #16 03-29-2011, 10:16 AM

Members of this forum are always harping on emails for this sort of thing but I think whether or not you send this sort of email is dependent on how you guys typically communicate. In my bands, we typically do all of our communicating via email. We trade many many emails/texts. Therefore, I would have no problem sending such an email.

I also understand you are basically trying to side-step the issue of playing with Guitarist #2 to avoid the potential hurt feelings. The only problem with that is if you are going to be gigging (or potentially) gigging with Guitarist #2. These things have a way of getting out eventually. Not sure about your town but in my area nothing stays a secret very long in the music community. So thats just something to keep in mind. Of course, you could always be looking to just deal with it later and as a world class procrastinator, I can't advise against that without being a total hypocrite!

glenb73 · #17 03-29-2011, 10:18 AM

I think you should tell them in person, writing an email to end a relationship is not appropriate.

Mike Dimin · #18 03-29-2011, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glenb73

I think you should tell them in person, writing an email to end a relationship is not appropriate.

+1

Downunderwonder · #19 03-29-2011, 10:27 AM

Tampabass · #20 03-29-2011, 10:36 AM

+1 for telling them in person, or at least by phone. And if the meeting goes okay, maybe follow up with a very friendly email reaffirming that you still want to connect for friend stuff. They may not want that, but it'd be nice to extend the offer.