Unforgiveable?

[pkmoor]

I'm in a Philly based wedding band. Last night (during Hurricane Irene) we had a wedding 3 hours west (inland). We usually all drive together to something this far away and BL said to bring an emergency bag in case we had trouble getting home and had to stay overnight somewhere.

Our early-20's female vocalist suddenly started having some concerns on Friday. She had no idea where the wedding was and was wondering why it hadn't been canceled. She started indicating that she might not be able to go. Band leader finally got her calmed down.

Saturday morning he sends me a text that she insists that we stay over. When I get to our BL's house for our departure, it is announced that she is driving separately and wants to leave the wedding an hour early.

After we me up with her, some members talked her into staying until our finish time. BL dismissed her exactly at our scheduled quitting time, but the band played a few more numbers after.

Most of the band members want her gone now. She was great for her first year with the band, but she got a new BF in the spring and we think he's been feeding her diva complex. During the last few months she's either late or misses practice and always wants to leave early. She's constanly texting on her cell phone during practice and even at a few gigs (again, a recent change). Are we being unreasonable or is it time to make a switch?

**Update (for those who might not find it buried later) - singer has given notice that she is done after our first gig in November.

[dmusic148]

I say calm down a bit. She did the gig, right? Is she creating problems, where the performance quality of the band is actually suffering? If not, I say let it go, if those are her worst offenses. It could be much, much worse.

[20db pad]

What would you do with her if your current business relationship had nothing to do with music at all?

[pkmoor]

Originally Posted by dmusic148

I say calm down a bit. She did the gig, right? Is she creating problems, where the performance quality of the band is actually suffering? If not, I say let it go, if those are her worst offenses. It could be much, much worse.

Here's the way we look at it. This is someone's wedding day - one of the biggest days of their lives. We were all worried about the storm but would not consider for an instant messing that up for someone. We knew we were going to be in a safe place and that we had plans in case we couldn't get home. BL and I even have wives and small children that we left beihind for this.

So yeah, she did the gig - but what if we hadn't changed her mind? Do we want to have to worry about this again in the future?

[pkmoor]

Originally Posted by 20db pad

What would you do with her if your current business relationship had nothing to do with music at all?

Like if I was a caterer? Line of business doesn't matter. What matters to us in this instance is that it's someone's wedding day and we don't take it lightly.

[dmusic148]

I understand. Here's the way I look at it: Good luck finding a replacement that doesn't have SOME kind of issues. Hers are relatively minor, I say. She did the gig, and as far as I know, never indicated that she wouldn't, just that she was surprised it hadn't been cancelled. Big difference. EDIT: just re-read the part about her being concerned that she might not be able to go. Did she say why?
Also, I really don't get the part about her insisting you stay over, then wanting to drive alone, then wanting to be dismissed early even though she was staying over. That whole thing makes no sense to me.

[HugeInJapan]

Hvae you or the BL spoken to her about these concerns? I'm in a similar situation with a flaky singer: late to practice, GF drama at a show, messing up songs because of not practicing etc....

After walking out of practice and having a few talks he seems to be improving and things headed in the right direction.

If she's a good singer/performer then it's definitely worth it to try and correct her behavior before dismissing her.

[electracoyote]

Originally Posted by pkmoor

So yeah, she did the gig - but what if we hadn't changed her mind? Do we want to have to worry about this again in the future?

Bandmates express their concerns all the time, and in the end, the best we can hope for is that they will do the right thing when the time comes.

It sounds like, despite her (legitimate IMO) concerns, she did the right thing.

I'm with the group that says simmer down. Wait for her to actually cross the line before passing judgment.

No one likes hurricanes, she merely voiced her apprehensions. Actions speak louder than words.

[PerlNinja]

How about looking at it from a different point of view; supposed the new BF isn't feeding her diva complex (she has one?), but instead is trying to guilt-trip her into quitting the band so she has more time for him? Would explain the texting, leaving early, and so on. And if the BF is the manipulative sort, she wouldn't bring it up to anyone either.

Seen this one before...

[pkmoor]

Originally Posted by dmusic148

I understand. Here's the way I look at it: Good luck finding a replacement that doesn't have SOME kind of issues. Hers are relatively minor, I say. She did the gig, and as far as I know, never indicated that she wouldn't, just that she was surprised it hadn't been cancelled. Big difference. EDIT: just re-read the part about her being concerned that she might not be able to go. Did she say why?
Also, I really don't get the part about her insisting you stay over, then wanting to drive alone, then wanting to be dismissed early even though she was staying over. That whole thing makes no sense to me.

I think you missed the part where she wanted to leave at 9 when we were contracted to play until 10. How would we have explained to the bride that our female vocalist bailed for the last hour of dancing (when she was needed most)?

I don't get the flip-flopping either. She said she wanted to get home to be with her family. She didn't drive alone - BF came with her and hung out in the hotel lobby while we played. In the end I think the 2 of them were going to stay overnight on the BL's dime.

[pkmoor]

Originally Posted by PerlNinja

How about looking at it from a different point of view; supposed the new BF isn't feeding her diva complex (she has one?), but instead is trying to guilt-trip her into quitting the band so she has more time for him? Would explain the texting, leaving early, and so on. And if the BF is the manipulative sort, she wouldn't bring it up to anyone either.

Seen this one before...

Here behavior is becoming very diva-esh. Said the other night she didn't think she needed to come to practice because she knew her parts. Otherwise, your scenario is exactly what I think is going on.

[Munjibunga]

Goom-bye.

[ric stave]

I would start looking - seriously.

Been through this many times - one singer cancelled the day of a show - had her MOM call, and say she was sick to her stomach because she was missing her friend's wedding, even though she knew about the show for 2 months. We gave her another chance - then she f'd us on a contract corporate date to do a free musical theatre show (again, knowing we had the date for over 2 months.) When I talked to her and told her we had a contract that I signed, and would probably be sued over if we cancelled, she told me "Well, 'I' didn't sign it, so you do what you have to do." ~ We got another giirl to fill in, spent the whole day of the gig teaching her the songs, and then 3 days later the original singer actually called up and asked for the next 2 months of dates so she could put them on her calendar, and was shocked when I told her we wouldn't be needing her anymore.

Another girl actually tried to pull THIS one over on us... (she's 21, we're 3 guys over 40...)

1/2 hour before we're supposed to start, she calls and says she's with her bf, an hour away - the car stopped - the engine seized. Then 20 min later she called back and said AAA came, put oil in, and everything's fine - she'd be there by 2nd set. That's some magic-f'n oil AAA carries with them..... dumbass....

Yes, it's hard to find someone with NO issues, but maybe the best plan is to find a few people and at least have a backup.

[DanAleks]

Originally Posted by pkmoor

Here behavior is becoming very diva-esh. Said the other night she didn't think she needed to come to practice because she knew her parts.

This is rehearsal. You show up knowing your parts and get the band tighter.

Bye-bye, if this continues.

[stingraysvt]

We were supposed to play in New Iberia, Louisiana the day before Katrina hit and the club owners weren't going to cancel the gig either, and I was freaking out, we were going to get done around 2 or 3 and then drive back?

It was nuts and wound up being one of the longest days in my life getting back, I was just thankful I actually got to drive back towards New Orleans on I-10 so I could take 59 north back home it was weird being the only person going into New Orleans on I-10...

No one to slow me down though

The reaction to the hurricane can be different for everyone, I'd say it was no different in her case, if your business hinges on her though, it might not be a bad idea to work up a fill in for when she puts you in a tight spot. I wouldn't feel bad if my band had someone that could fill in for me in a tight spot, kinda relieves the stress of putting 7 other people at risk of not being able to play on my account.

The band "code" kinda flies out the window with women IMO, the last band I was in the female singer canceled 7 gigs one winter on me... REAL HUGE BUMMER to the ole pocketbook....

[makkE]

Originally Posted by PerlNinja

How about looking at it from a different point of view; supposed the new BF isn't feeding her diva complex (she has one?), but instead is trying to guilt-trip her into quitting the band so she has more time for him? Would explain the texting, leaving early, and so on. And if the BF is the manipulative sort, she wouldn't bring it up to anyone either.

Seen this one before...

Oh I've seen that too.

You should try to talk it out.

Besides, texting while practice is already rude, but doing it on a gig?! I would have had a hard time staying calm then.
Had the problem with my drummer. I told him the next time he gets out his phone for texting inbetween songs, I'd take it and tossed it as far as I could... it worked. I think it's a really disrespectful thing to do, it's like saying "**** you, I got better things to do than this ****"

[Jason P Bass]

I think the ONE instance of bad behavior at a wedding gig is not unforgivable, as the title asks.

However it sounds like she's establishing a pattern of unacceptable behavior, and THAT is the proper reason to start looking for a replacement. When you find someone better, show her the door.

If she spirals into more and more extreme poor behavior, get rid of her without a replacement. But, IMO, freaking out at ONE show because of a hurricane should not be the straw that broke the camel's back.

[fendersax]

Hey pkmoor!

We fine vocalists/musicians for that kind of behavior in my band - dock pay $50.00 for each offense (cell phones, lateness, etc - you would be surprised at the level of professionalism you can get to when your threats aren't empty. Hold everyone to a high standard and it's never a worry!

It's the BL's job to make it work, sometimes that means getting a new vocalist - there's plenty out there in philly

I played a sub wedding gig on Saturday local - Trumpet player called that day and cancelled due to fear of the storm- he'll never get the call again.

Good Luck - I would start looking for a sub or two...

[pkmoor]

Originally Posted by fendersax

Hey pkmoor!

We fine vocalists/musicians for that kind of behavior in my band - dock pay $50.00 for each offense (cell phones, lateness, etc - you would be surprised at the level of professionalism you can get to when your threats aren't empty. Hold everyone to a high standard and it's never a worry!

It's the BL's job to make it work, sometimes that means getting a new vocalist - there's plenty out there in philly

I played a sub wedding gig on Saturday local - Trumpet player called that day and cancelled due to fear of the storm- he'll never get the call again.

Good Luck - I would start looking for a sub or two...

Thanks fendersax. I passed that along to the BL. I suggested something like that before but he's been reluctant to try it. Talked to the BL this morning and he said she seemed genuinely remorseful for her behavior afterward. Looks like he's not planning on making a change since she is a great singer and he doesn't want to see a downgrade there. I'll at least continue to push to find some viable subs. A few of the ones we had used previously are no longer available.

[fendersax]

Sometimes just realizing that a BL is serious can help the situation.

I hope things change for the better for you! If you ever need help with subs - give me a call!