Verbally abusive bandmates, acceptable or not?

[boodakon]

Hey Folks,
I recently quit my band following my guitarist's abusive tirade on me. It emerged following us working through some song parts and ended in me being put down and berated. Everytime I spoke I was cut off, so I didn't even get a chance to get my point across. And I'm not the dysfunctional type to start yelling because someone else is speaking over me. I stop, let them be heard and then continue with hopes that I'll be heard.

These abusive tirades are something I've witnessed or heard about from other bandmates in the past when creative opinions didn't meet. The other guys have chosen the path of forgiveness and so they stuck around after those bouts (though both of those guys are not in the band anymore). I know myself well and I don't believe I could maintain my composure/professionalism and not hurt this guy if this happened to me again, so I quit.

My question to you all...how would you, or have you dealt with this situation?

[NikDea]

I was kinda in a band like that. I quit cause of it. Gotta do whatcha gotta do right?

[spaz21387]

my old guitarist and drummer would do this. They had a fight on stage once. I let them fight set my bass down. Walked over to the bar got a drink, talked to the bartender. He asked Do they always fight like this? I reply with yes just let them go they will be done soon. Grab my drink hop back on stage grab my bass and yell at them to just shut up and play a song. I just find it funny how the whole fight started in this case... Guitarist: " do you really have to adjust your drums after every song? Drummer:" yes F off" guitarist: "no f u" it went on from there ha dont you love dysfunctional bands ha

[Stumbo]

You might want to read this: Why many bands fail

[PBnJBassist]

Quitting seems justified. I would have left just as you did. Being put-down because of skill or creative difference is all the same to me. We are all people and should treat each other with as much respect as we treat ourselves, regardless of our differences.

[Plantbrain]

A pro would leave asap while the whiner is still just getting started.
It's unprofessional period. It's about the music, we are human, but there's simply no place for any personal horse manure.

I'd not even tell them you quit, just pack up and get out asap. Let them figure it out and warn every other bassist in the area about them.

Do not respond back.

[MysticMichael]

Of course it's unacceptable. While anyone can have a bad day, and/or occasionally lose his temper, this should definitely be the exception - not the norm.

If things are generally cool, overlook the rare outburst of bad temper, I say. Especially if it is accompanied by an apology, when appropriate. No need to over-react.

But an "abusive tirade"? Especially one that is deliberate, sustained and/or unrepentant? No way. And especially if/when there is a demonstrated pattern of such behavior. Just walk out.

To have any hope of success, a band must be built on a foundation of mutual respect, among other essentials. If it isn't there, just get out - ASAP.

MM

[jaywa]

Originally Posted by spaz21387

my old guitarist and drummer would do this. They had a fight on stage once. I let them fight set my bass down. Walked over to the bar got a drink, talked to the bartender. He asked Do they always fight like this? I reply with yes just let them go they will be done soon. Grab my drink hop back on stage grab my bass and yell at them to just shut up and play a song.

I'm gonna bet this band didn't get many repeat bookings. Bar owners have very little tolerance for sh*t like this. Doesn't matter how good the band is.

[Chef FourString]

Completely unacceptable.

[tekdiver500ft]

Assuming you are describing the situation accurately, their behavior is completely unacceptable.

[powderfinger]

Yep, unacceptable... been there, done that... once...

An abusive bandmate is no more or less likely to change than an abusive spouse... no joke... just walk away.

I didnt. I hung in there, and eventually ended up knocking my lead singer on his a** and telling him if he says one more word, "he aint gettin' up". Even after that the absuse started back up later... and I had to quit.

[stflbn]

The tirades continue because the band-mates allow them to. So it's a way for that person to get what they want.

Completely unacceptable, unless the band allows it to continue, then it's expected.

[AltGrendel]

Not acceptable, at all.

[Bassist4Life]

Originally Posted by boodakon

Hey Folks,
I recently quit my band following my guitarist's abusive tirade on me. It emerged following us working through some song parts and ended in me being put down and berated. Everytime I spoke I was cut off, so I didn't even get a chance to get my point across. And I'm not the dysfunctional type to start yelling because someone else is speaking over me. I stop, let them be heard and then continue with hopes that I'll be heard.

These abusive tirades are something I've witnessed or heard about from other bandmates in the past when creative opinions didn't meet. The other guys have chosen the path of forgiveness and so they stuck around after those bouts (though both of those guys are not in the band anymore). I know myself well and I don't believe I could maintain my composure/professionalism and not hurt this guy if this happened to me again, so I quit.

My question to you all...how would you, or have you dealt with this situation?

Not acceptable. I had this happen once and I told the band that if it ever happened again, I walk. End of story. I'm a professional and I'm not going to tolerate that kind of treatment.

Joe

[buddyro57]

I think you did the only thing you could do given the circumstances. Many times there is some degree of tension in a band- its one thing to have differences about interpretation or some musical issue, its quite another for one member to berate another. I think you have to walk away from situations like that. If the other members don't value you enough to set some guidelines for conduct , then you are better off without them. There are enough decent players out there that you should be able to team up with some who want to work together, and handle differences of opinion like adults. Good luck in the future!
JS

[johnbassdoherty]

Sounds like the school bully learnt guitar, a pity he didn't grow up as well, walk away this is the sensible thing to, but sadly to my shame I let my fists do the talking once, that day I learnt bullys are cowards, felt good for 2 seconds and then you feel like you've gone down to their level, hold your head up and walk away.

[Jamo2000]

I just quit my band for similar reasons. We all agreed at the beginning it was a "fun" band, a "hobby" thing.

But immediately after our first gigs, we would all get lengthy critiques from the drummer about our performance shortcomings (as a drummer, I know how easy it is to SIT back there and gripe) which got really old, really fast. Had he been a good (or even decent) drummer, I would have sucked it up. But playing with him became a drag, a chore, a volume war which ultimately led to ear-killing ear fatigue leaving me wanting to put my head in a vise. If I laid out for a beat he would just drop time. Pain. Pain. Pain.

So I manufactured a lie to save everybody's feelings and quit. Cowardly? Maybe, but I live in a small, small town.

Life is too short to play music with A-holes. Find like-minded adults. That's what I'm attempting. Not much luck, yet...

[bassbully]

Had this happen in my first band after getting back to music. The guitarist could get an attitude with some. He did once with me and I told him to drop it if he knew what was best for him and he never did it again. One practice after he had a few minor meltdowns that year our singer kept botching a line. He freaked out and started yelling at him which made the singer yell back while we were still playing, the next thing I know the singer is throwing a kick at him while playing his guitar.
That did it! I stopped practice and told him right then and there.. Enough! We practiced at my house and they were guests and if it continued I was going to drag the guitarist up the stairs and out of my place by his earholes.
We stopped practice, the singer said I quit. After a long band meeting a week latter we made up but I left that mess soon after. Music should be fun and not a job, attitudes need to be left out of it.

[Joe Nerve]

I don't think it's a black and white kind of thing. Few things to take into consideration. What's your goal and where the band is at are a couple of the more important ones. If your goal is to be happy and play gigs with a bunch of people you have fun and get along with, then it's clear you made the right choice. If your looking to make money, the band is playing arenas, and the main guy goes off once in a while, that's a different story. I've learned to eat a certain amount of crow, but it depends very much on where the band is at and what I'm looking for. Recently left a band because of similar stuff, yelling matches that I don't want to participate in. If the band was making a lot of money and I was playing lots of gigs with them, I may have tolerated it a little longer.

[Bo_H]

Not acceptable.