Well... I guess I'm calling it quits.

saustindavis · #1 08-23-2011, 12:10 AM

My wife has never been crazy about me being in a band. She used to love the fact that I was a musician, and was even attracted to me back when we were dating BECAUSE I play guitar. Now that we are married and have two kids the idea of having practices and show makes her feel like she's not a priority to me.

I used to do a solo thing, which was great until our son turned about 1, and now she accuses me of caring more about my band than I do about our family. I swear she starts fights the second before I walk out the door just to piss me off so that I have a miserable practice or gig.

Tonight she wasn't feeling great because of a headache or something and is acting like I don't love her because "I went to practice and left her to take care of the kids when she was sick..." She got upset with me for not offering to stay home and cancel practice, then when I offered she told me that she didn't want me in the house. THEN I went to practice and she flipped out because I left. WHAT THE HELL!?!

So I'm practicing (only for about 10 mins...) and she's blowing up my phone, and when I answer she said she just threw up and I need to leave and come home. I was already mad about her basically telling me to leave and getting mad about it, so I said I would cut it short, we just needed to work out one more thing. Apparently that wasn't good enough. She called again (7 times to be exact...) and I finally answer and she flipped out. I decided to pack it up right then (after she texted my guitarist to have me call her), and I apologized profusely because I knew she would say that she didn't want me in the band. It didn't matter because she said it anyway.

I guess I am hanging up my bass for now...

kdiggity · #2 08-23-2011, 12:17 AM

Sorry to hear it, man. It's never fun to have to retire something you enjoy doing.

Listen, I don't know you or your situation, but from what you're saying there are some underlying (and more important) issues at work here that should be addressed with your marriage.

Ideally, you should support one another and encourage each other to seek happiness and enjoyment from life.

Good luck, dude.

-K

brndn123 · #3 08-23-2011, 12:21 AM

Relationships are about compromise on both accounts.

Furthermore, someone who truly loves you will want to see you happy.

Depth_Charge · #4 08-23-2011, 12:26 AM

Your wife does not respect your boundaries and needs a hobby! She will continue to disrespect your boundaries while she has nothing to do, while she perceives you aren't doing things right by her or the baby, and especially while you continue enabling her by doing the unreasonable things she asks.

If she is sick, she is sick and yeah sometimes you have to suck it up and cancel, especially for just a practice here and there.

But if she is always so sick its compromising your ability to provide for the family or to maintain your own wellbeing (by having an outlet), she needs help from somewhere else - parents, friends, professionals.

I've gone through everything you've described and worse. Phone call wise it got to the point I had to start the process of arranging cease and desists orders to get her to stop calling me 20 times an hour at work because of some trivial thing that "needed" my immediate attention. Eventually I ended up in counselling. I learned a lot about enabling behaviour and patterns of abuse.

Hindsight and counselling helped me realise the only thing that needed immediate attention was her ego in knowing she has someone at her beck and call. Im not saying thats your situation, I'm just venting at this point.

I hope/pray you make the necessary changes to improve this situation before you have a house, 4 kids and so much debt that leaving isn't really a viable option for you

madbassplaya · #5 08-23-2011, 12:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdiggity

Listen, I don't know you or your situation, but from what you're saying there are some underlying (and more important) issues at work here that should be addressed with your marriage.

Agreed. I can understand her point of view if the band is keeping you away from home several nights a week but if that's not the case then I see this as a jealousy game.

**Rune Bivrin** · #6 08-23-2011, 12:36 AM

This does not bode well for your relationship in the long run. My best advice as a happily married man with two children is to make sure that you enable her to get out on her own just as much as you do. Do this by showing her that you can - and will - take care of child and home in a functional way while she's doing "her stuff".

If she has no "her stuff" she needs to get some. Simple as that. Everybody needs some time away from their partners now and then, even if it's only for a few hours.

waleross · #7 08-23-2011, 02:28 AM

First off, I am not married and at my age most likely never will be. Based on what happened to me and how I finally returned to music, don't be surprised if eventually you also return to playing in a band again. Sounds like the grass and flowers from a band will grow through the cracks and reappear...................Don't sell all of your equipment, take care and best of luck.......................

MysticMichael · #8 08-23-2011, 02:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saustindavis

Tonight she wasn't feeling great because of a headache or something and is acting like I don't love her because "I went to practice and left her to take care of the kids when she was sick..." She got upset with me for not offering to stay home and cancel practice, then when I offered she told me that she didn't want me in the house. THEN I went to practice and she flipped out because I left. WHAT THE HELL!?!

You were listening to what she said - not what she meant: a common husband "error"...

Dude, your wife is insecure - really insecure. Her irrationality and her controlling behavior suggest that something is going wrong with her beneath the surface - and that your band activity is likely just being made her scapegoat.

In other words, don't make the mistake of taking this all too literally, or too much at face value. Women tend to have a roundabout, indirect, vague and/or ambiguous way of communicating their needs & desires - especially when they don't feel they can come right out and say it...or when they themselves don't know what's wrong with them.

Don't sell off your gear - or quit your band - just yet. Get to the bottom of this, and find out what's really going on with her.

Good luck. Sounds like you may need it...

MM

baskruit · #9 08-23-2011, 02:59 AM

I have a very supportive wife and a two month old daughter. The wife keeps her thursday evenings free so I can go to band practice and when she want to go out with friends or going back to doing evening courses, I'm taking the bottle and nappy shift.

We only gig occasionally and I take her (now them) to gigs whenever I can and if it isn't next door we book a motel and make it a mini vacation instead of driving home the same night. Obviously I won't be making any money playing those gigs but I play for fun and I try to let my family have their share.
And when we hang out with the band it's not uncommon to bring wives, husbands, kids. Absolutely not-Rock 'n Roll but that's us and proud of it.

Sure, there'll be a whole lot of factors that make my situation different from your's but it may be good to get your family more involved if they're open to it.

ggoat!!! · #10 08-23-2011, 03:02 AM

Who the HELL would want to be in a relationship like that??!?!!!?!??!?

sound of bass · #11 08-23-2011, 03:05 AM

UGH! Dude....seriously think about it for awhile. I was married for 16 yrs. and had my musical dreams squashed, by the same type of woman,for the same reasons you posted. Were now divorced just about 8 yrs. and I threw myself into MY music head first and I havent looked back since! Do not confuse "real love" with "control". If one truly loves another, they would want them to be happy. The several woman Ive dated since my divorce were told right from the beginning that "My music will always come first, and I wouldnt want to be with anyone that doesnt understand that". Best of luck to you.

fingerbun · #12 08-23-2011, 03:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticMichael

You were listening to what she said - not what she meant: a common husband "error"...

Dude, your wife is insecure - really insecure. Her irrationality and her controlling behavior suggest that something is going wrong with her beneath the surface - and that your band activity is likely just being made her scapegoat.

In other words, don't make the mistake of taking this all too literally, or too much at face value. Women tend to have a roundabout, indirect, vague and/or ambiguous way of communicating their needs & desires - especially when they don't feel they can come right out and say it...or when they themselves don't know what's wrong with them.

Don't sell off your gear - or quit your band - just yet. Get to the bottom of this, and find out what's really going on with her.

MM

+1. women think in such a different way. Us poor simple males are defenseless before their onslaught.

But don 't give everything up because it won't solve the problem.

monkeyking · #13 08-23-2011, 03:29 AM

Trust me, the music isn't the problem. You can give it up and it won't solve a thing. There will always be another something you need to change in order for her to be happy. That's the problem.

Absentia · #14 08-23-2011, 03:38 AM

Sounds like your wife is jealous that you have a hobby that gets you out of the house and she does not.

Encourage her to find a new hobby or get a new wife.

Sorry but once or twice a week for a quick practice should not be a problem, your wife has bigger issues than you being in a band.

fenderhutz · #15 08-23-2011, 03:40 AM

Does she have any hobbies of her own? If not you married a woman who thinks your relationship is all she has. Good luck with that, got anything good you are selling?

Now if you are gigging twice a week and rehearsing twice a week then you need to re-evaluate. You have a family.

nun lover · #16 08-23-2011, 03:45 AM

she better be really hot...

kdiggity · #17 08-23-2011, 03:57 AM

^ Yeah. Maybe some pics would help us, help you.

-K

Icey101 · #18 08-23-2011, 04:23 AM

mate you never hang up anything.....you just go in hybernation for a while. Happy wife, happy life ok. dont sweat it, kids are young, she needs your help, work the space, you dont want her falling into post natal then you will really be in the crap. Just pull back stay in touch with the band, look after your family first. Ride over the hump and you will come out the other side a better man for it and i bet she will support you when the time comes. Also pull out the acoustic, sing a bit at hojme, practice your acoustic chops and your vocals, even if its singing the kids off to bed.....dont give up nothing just divert ok

cnltb · #19 08-23-2011, 04:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brndn123

Relationships are about compromise on both accounts.

Furthermore, someone who truly loves you will want to see you happy.

+1

Is she a nice person?
That's the question that occurred to me when reading the first post.

jimmydean · #20 08-23-2011, 04:30 AM

Most of the musicians I have known Have gone through this same thing. If you love playing,keep playing music. Tell the wife you need to work this out .If your not drinking/drugs/whoreing we need to compromise. Don't give up something because someone tells you to,life really is too short.