Why do I feel guilty?

[Warpeg]

This is my first post in the BG Forum. Really, I need some advice from some musicians who have 'been there, done that.' I've been in the current band for almost six years. We do 2/3 originals, 1/3 covers.

This band was, at one point, semi-popular and was really going somewhere. All four of us put a tremendous amount of effort into the project and reaped the benefits. The songs were great, we got plenty of radio play, the fans were plentiful, and the merch was outstanding.

Fast-forward about three years to 2008. The singer and guitarist have made families, had kids, lost day jobs, struggled financially, and gained a lot of weight. They make a ton of excuses as to why they need to constantly cancel rehearsals and gigs. The flow of unique, inspirational original song writing has all but dried-up. However, the two keep defending the fact that they still really want to keep this band together. It's pretty depressing.

The drummer and I are still very motivated to put real effort into the band. We'd love nothing more than to create new material, rehearse more often, book a higher quantity of gigs, and just get the general 'feel' going again. It doesn't look like it's going to happen. We have pleaded with the singer and guitarist, but it's just a wall of excuses and empty promises.

So, the two of us have secretly started the process of putting another band together. I'm afraid that if I let the singer and guitarist know that we are putting something else together, then they'll think that the drummer and I are just using the new band idea to try to motivate the current band into functioning again. That is not the case; this new band is looking very good. We have found a great singer, but still need a guitard. This new band will not have anything related to the current band: the band name, original songs, and style of music will be different. We just want to move forward.

The drummer and I will let the singer and guitarist know about the new band when we get fully established. For now, we practice without their knowledge. The only loose end is that about $2000 is still due for some studio time that was used awhile back (that went to an album that was never relseased ). Other than that, there is no shared equipment or upcoming booked gigs to deal with.

I feel guilty about the way that I am doing this. Am I going about this the wrong way? Has anyone else been in this kind of position? What could I be doing differently to make this better for all parties involved? Sorry if this post sounds like a bunch of complaining; I just need to get some answers from people who know.

[JFace]

I wouldn't feel guilty about it. I've faced similar situations before. One band I was in was going nowhere because of the singer getting married and starting a family. Me being a younger guy with musical ambitions, I simply left the band. Nowadays I play in as many bands as I can to satisfy my needs. I'm currently in 4 bands: a jazz band, a metal band, a church worship band, and a regional youth conference band. They all respect the fact that I play with different bands, and as far as they see it, I am just broadening my skills and experience.

Perhaps your band will see it as a wake up call and get things moving again. In the meantime, see where your new project will lead you.

[JohnnyPustular]

I'm in the same position, except that my band(s) are just for fun. Band 1 was started with some guys at work and was pretty fun at the beginning. Our singer left and we replaced him and carried on. Except now that the huge prima donna singer was gone, we found out that the drummer was also a big prima donna. Stayed together for about a year, putting up with a guy that never wanted to practice and didn't want to take advantage of free studio time to record. Looking at another summer of not jamming, I put together a second band and we started just jamming. These guys are fun to work with and we have played a couple gigs (we do benefits because we can draw 500+ and don't need the money because we have good day jobs).

I told the drummer from band 1, several times, that we are ready to practice and gig any time he wants. He just has to give us a schedule. We don't talk much anymore and he is skulking around the office. Do I feel bad? No. I got tired of letting one person dictate to the whole band, so I dropped the responsibility in his lap. If he wants to do what it takes to have a good band, I'm open. In the meantime, I'm jamming and having a good time with a second band.

[Geddy Claypool]

Nope, not your fault at all. In fact, I'd probably do the same thing. Sounds like your current guitarist and singer are a bit delusional about what they really want to do..

[Warpeg]

Originally Posted by JFace

...I'm currently in 4 bands: a jazz band, a metal band, a church worship band, and a regional youth conference band...

You're my hero

Originally Posted by Geddy Claypool

...Sounds like your current guitarist and singer are a bit delusional about what they really want to do..

Yeah, I don't quite understand it. They, so painfully, appear to be done with band life. However, they keep saying whatever they can to keep the drummer and I content with being members of their band. We get to hear empty promises like, "we'll be booking more shows soon," "my voice is worn out; I just need a few more weeks to heal," "work is hectic....I'm going to try to get a new job with different hours," my daughter's (event here) is that day...we can't play a show that day," and on it goes. This has been going on strongly for at least a year, but started about three years ago. If we are not really playing anymore, then why do they persist in trying to keep us around?

[Past 11]

Sounds like life got in the way of your other band mates. I would have to say that they have bigger issues to deal with than being in a band...but maybe haven't accepted it. I would move on with what you want to do. Their situation isn't your problem. The studio money is a whole different issue. I'd be up front with your old bandmates about what you want to do and wrap up your studio costs as soon as possible. That's something you don't want to put off. That way you won't have this junk hangin over your head while you pursue your other interests.

In my experience, I've had to drive far distances to find bandmates with good ability and similar wants/needs. I've also left some bands because of different interests. Don't feel guilty..and don't apologize. It's nothing personal...you're just doin your thing.

[Kristopher]

Question: Do you go to rehearsals with your first band and act like nothing's any different than before? Why don't you and the drummer just quit the first band? You're obviously moving on, maybe it's time to cut the tie? If you don't, it's almost like you're leading them on.

I think you feel guilty because you're not being 100% honest with everyone involved.

No offense intended.

[overdrivethree]

it definitely seems better to let these guys know, "hey, we're gonna do this. you're tied up with family obligations, and that's perfectly okay. but we want to do a band thing, and we're gonna get this new thing together. if and when you feel ready to REALLY do something later on the down road, call me. but for now, raise your kids, and i'll make music."

this is basically what i've told my buddies who still harbor hope that our bands will "get back together" after they got married, had kids (or were trying to), bought houses, etc.

their mistake is not realizing how big/little of a role they want music to play in their life. your mistake is (i hate to say it) being too loyal.

[Warpeg]

Originally Posted by Kristopher

Question: Do you go to rehearsals with your first band and act like nothing's any different than before? Why don't you and the drummer just quit the first band? You're obviously moving on, maybe it's time to cut the tie? If you don't, it's almost like you're leading them on.

I think you feel guilty because you're not being 100% honest with everyone involved.

No offense intended.

I understand your point and I am not offended.

Believe it or not, my current band hasn't had a rehearsal since the drummer and I have been 'plotting.' That's been about two weeks. Actually, we haven't even seen or heard from the singer and guitarist in at least three weeks! This kinda' gives you an idea of how things are working in the current band. We used to hang out outside of band functions. Now...?

To elaborate more on your questions: I don't know if I would bring it up if we had a rehearsal, say, tomorrow. I just don't know what I would say or how to present it. That's not a cop-out, just some brute honesty. The four of us have been through heaven and hell together. We've been a part of a brotherhood that many bands never get to experience. It's going to feel like we're all breaking up with or being dumped by a well-loved girlfriend of many years.

Originally Posted by overdrivethree

...your mistake is (i hate to say it) being too loyal.

I think you may be right. Maybe I'm just so used to my situation that it just seems weird to step outside of it.

[Skarekrough]

Originally Posted by Warpeg

I think you may be right. Maybe I'm just so used to my situation that it just seems weird to step outside of it.

I think you hit the nail on the head, but with the singer and guitar player.

They probably don't want to walk away from it. They have good memories and are hoping that somehow it's going to be something great again (without their effort mind you) or just can't comprehending it ending. People get ingrained in things in their lives.

For them to think you're going to hang around and NOT do anything is just silly. I'd suggest telling them straight-out and forcing the situation. If it ends then you'll have more time to devote to a new project. If they stay on then it has the chance of being something much less stressful for all parties involved or even seeing them buck-up and bring it all back up to speed.

[kevbassman]

Kind of torn on this thread....here's some random thoughts:

OK, first of all you need to put yourself in the shoes of your fellow married band-mates.Their priorities have changed. When you have kids & a wife, you have a responsibility. I am not married, not any kids. I play in a popular Cleveland cover band. 3 of the 5 members are married with children.
I also played in a tribute band for over 10 years.....at one time I was in 3 bands at one time. The one cover band has been together going on 17 years. We're like brothers. We worked things out....the only time we ever had to cancel gigs in our 17 years is (a) the death of my Dad (b) our singer having emergency surgery. We've play 15-35 shows a year. We try to practice once a week to learn new material. As we're getting older, sometimes that practice routine doesn't happen. We still try to keep things fresh.

My point is, if your fellow band mates are canceling practice once in a blue moon because of a family emergency...you have to respect that. I know bands that want to rehearse eight days a week....and to me that is silly. I can't understand anyone canceling a gig unless it's a true emergency however.
Why couldn't you do both gigs? Both bands?
Your fellow band members should be mature enough to respect that. I know that we don't know their side to the story...just yours. Do I think you're selfish? or DO I think you're just looking out for your best interests? I honestly don't know...because I don't now you personally.
I hope this thread can bring you some insight.

Best of luck!

[Warpeg]

I'd love to do both bands, but then I run into a similar problem that the singer and guitarist have: time. Two bands means twice as much time devoted. I don't think I can personally afford that much time.

All I ever wanted was to be in a comfortable, driven band for many, many years. Maybe my pond is just getting rippled and I don't know how to deal with it. Silly, huh?

[funkometer]

My experience is to stay away from musicians who have real day jobs, music isnt really full time to them, and cant be with a full time day job, and then esp if they have children. My 2 cents........

[Kristopher]

I was in a band with some high school friends. Five years down the road, we couldn't stand to be in the room with each other, so the band broke up. Now we're all great friends again.

It may feel like ending the band is ending a relationship, but maybe the band is getting in the way of having a better relationship with them as people and good friends? You guys have had so many awesome moments together. Your friendship doesn't have to end just because the band ends.

[Warpeg]

Originally Posted by overdrivethree

...It may feel like ending the band is ending a relationship, but maybe the band is getting in the way of having a better relationship with them as people and good friends? You guys have had so many awesome moments together. Your friendship doesn't have to end just because the band ends.

That is a great way to look at the situation. I can only hope that we'll still be hanging out after the smoke clears. It's hard to say, though.

[Never_grew_up]

I am in a similiar situation. I'm one of those day job guys in a part-time classic rock band. I've been playing w/a guitar player for about 1-1/2 years now but we've gone through all sorts of other personell changes - on our 3rd drummer, went through 2 keyboard players, 5 lead singers.
The last lead singer (female) came to the group interested in doing some acoustic stuff as well as 'full-band' stuff. I love doing that kind of stuff and the guitar player said he was up for it but he's not really a good acoustic player - plugs his electro-acoustic into his twin reverb and bangs on it like a solid-body. After about 3 rehearsals the singer bailed - to her credit, she called both the guitar player and me to tell us. In talking with her about why she was quitting she told me she didn't get a good feeling about the guitar player's ability/style going where she wanted to go musically, but she thought we (she & I) could do something with another friend of hers.

So we're going to get together after Thanksgiving and see what we can work out. I haven't told the guitar player in my current band anything about this partly because if it doesn't work out I don't want to burn any bridges w/the guitar player and partly because he's a good guy & I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him the girl quit because he sucked and she's taking me with her.

[Stumbo]

Sounds like your first band is history.

The married guys keep coming up with excuses so either the really don't have time or maybe they have other band projects they're working on. I suggest that you and the drummer pay off your share of the debt and move on.

Good luck.

P.S. If you pay, get a receipt in writing.

[Slax]

I was in a similar situation with my old ska band. We were on our game for a while and then people stopped practicing, canceling shows, canceling band practice all the time for no reason. It was like me, the singer, and our rhythm guitarist were the only ones that continued to try in the band.

It turns out our two sax players, lead guitarist, and drummer created another band "because our band wasn't doing enough". It was annoying because they were the members that kept us from progressing due to their lackluster input and then had the balls to do that? Needless to say, we soon ended the original band and we all went our separate ways.

Also, the band that formed... the "slacker" members, have been playing the same 10 songs for almost 4 years now. Where the rest of us moved on to better things.

Somewhat similar story, flip side of the coin... Basically the moral is, end the band that's not working. It'll save headaches.

[sound of bass]

If it was me Id tell them I have a plan B if they didnt start showing any interest. This way they were warned, your conscious is clear.

[nsmar4211]

Having a day job doesn't mean not serious about music
Means that music isn't a way to make a living in your area
/soapbox


I'd go ahead and tell the first group, hey, I want to play more, so I've put together another group. Ask them if they want you to find a replacement bass player..... see what they say. They may be looking for a way to not have to play in the band anyway and ifyou give them an easy way out, you're the good guy.

Being a bass player is a bit hard, we need the other musicians to really have fun . A singer can sing by themselves......guitarist can play by themselves...... bass needs someone else. Even drums are more fun to play by yourself (I'm also a drummer so I can say that). So if you don't have the other musicians.......no bass .

No reason why you can't do both bands if the first one isn't booking anything or recording anything...... tell them when they book a show or set up session time you'll be there and ready. Bet ya it doesn't happen...