wife won't let me gig??

[nortonrider]

Plain and simple - My woman wants me to be happy!
She knows that not having any friends would suck, and would be glad that I found a way to meet more people.
I don't think that she would ever try to stop me from doing something just because she wouldn't be involved, because I wouldn't be around and she would have to entertain herself.
When we got together 13 years ago, I made it clear that old motorcycles were a big part of who I am and are NOT going to go away. She understood, and is now totally a "biker chick".
We have a entire circle of friends with the same motorcycle intrests. That's our "OUR" thing.
I like playing music, she don't. that's "MY" thing.
She reads all of the time - I don't. that's "HER" thing.

We both believe that first we have to be happy as individuals, that is what makes for us being a truly happy team. If we were to spend every moment together (doing the same things), at the end of the day, what would we have to talk about? Being able to bring our own experiences home is what keeps us interesting to the other.

She is my best friend, and I would give up anything for her! Fortunately for me , she loves me enough to not ask me to give up something that makes me who I am.

I guess what it comes down to for us is: I want her to be happy and she want me to be happy.

In the end, if you stop persuing your passion (whatever it may be), just to make someone else (even your wife) happy. You will regret it and so will she! Now, if your true passion is being with her, by all means, DO THAT!

Some guy once wrote: "To thy own self be true". That sounds like pretty good advice to me.

[theshadow2001]

Originally Posted by Bjazzman

my wife is from the states but her parnets are from the phillippens. The unfortunate thing is that we have no friends or family here in the twin cities. it's really hard to make friends outside of work or my musical friends who really aren't my best friends. so we really only have the two of us. i feel like yes i am abandoning her if i do these gigs with the new band. i could be satisfied with the other band im in. but, would she ever be satisfied with me still playing out? we're going through other struggles as well so i think maybe i should put the new band on hold until i figure things out. having this woman not be in my life would be the worst thing in the world to me.

Playing music is a good way for you to get out and about and meet new people. Bring your wife to some gigs maybe she could meet other members spouses.

One thing is for sure if both of you stay at home all day. No one's going to make any friends.

Well obviously you have other problems. I doubt she doesn't want you to gig but the sentiment is a manifestation of other problems. I think that if you start setting a side time for the two of you to do things together that involve meeting new people your wifes aversion to your gigging will eventually fade away.

If your both new to the area it can be very lonely at first. I found it tough when my family left it all behind and moved. The funny thing is once you get settled in, you eventually start making friends and your life seems to get back in order. The only catch is that it doesn't happen over night but it does happen.

[SMASH]

Originally Posted by 22w1st3d

this might sound harsh and racial, but it is the filipino in her.


being of filipino descent, ive seen many a male relative being bound back by their wives, due to their insecurity of their feminity.

Absolutely untrue. I know several Filipino girls, hot as hell, with zero issues about their looks and no attempts to hold their men down. Quite the opposite, in my experience they're refreshingly liberal and lot of fun.

Is she's lonely she should join some clubs, take some classes, etc.

[Jeb]

Originally Posted by Bjazzman

im just venting because i started a new band that will play out often. my wife doesen't like the idea that i will be gone for most of the satuday nights. im trying to save money so we can take a trip next winter to the phillipines to see her family. am i being selfish that i won't stay home with her?

I haven't read any of the replys, but the OP intrigued me with the question. So I'll answer it!

No.

[jimbob]

[quote=Jeb;4979461]I haven't read any of the replys, but the OP intrigued me with the question. So I'll answer it!

No.[/QUOTE}

+1. I hope you can find some middle ground with her so you will both be happy...it can be done!

[Howlin' Hanson]

Well, some of the replies have been on the money. Sometimes there has to be some catalyst to create acceptance in the spouse's attitude.

In my case, it may have simply been: "This equipment just sits here taking up space. Why don't you either sell it, or play?" Green light!

We actually had a trial run. When some of her old high school classmates invited me to join the "reunion garage band" as a singer, she said sure. (Ultimately, I was able to play bass on seven of the songs.) Because of the distances two of the bandmates had to drive for practices, we could get together only once a month to six weeks. We both knew that wasn't enough rehearsal. Once the reunion was over, she understood when I wanted to keep playing.

So sometimes you can build up into more frequent playing. It does help that she has a hobby she loves, and doesn't need --or want-- my constant attention. What a wonderful woman!

[RedCoatMonster]

One word...DIVORCE!

[Bass Mule]

Originally Posted by RedCoatMonster

One word...DIVORCE!

Obviously the voice of experience...

[BigOleBoogie]

You only list one night of the week in your original post. Are you gone half, most or all other nights of the week? Practice nights, will you be gigging on other nights of the week, will you or are you currently going to open stages, are you already networking (going out to bars to meet and be with other musicians).

Getting back into playing I have done all of this and on a regular basis for a solid year. It can be costly. Thankfully my husband has been fine with the money over time that has been spent, the fact that the majority of musicians are male and I talk about all of my new friends at home which he's never met personally and that I get home at 2am.

Start up can and will take more time than one night a week so let's get a better perspective on this before discounting someone who's not here to defend herself. Insecure or not.


ninja edit: I'm also fortunate enough to have married a musician.

[Akami]

Originally Posted by BigOleBoogie

ninja edit: I'm also fortunate enough to have married a musician.

I haven't yet been married but my previous girlfriend was onstage with me for the last 7 years, the one before that we played fulltime for 14 years.

Makes a big difference if your dreams are linked.

[wingnut]

It's hard to find compromise sometimes, but we all do it, those who say they don't are just kidding themselves. If none of us compromised we wouldn't be in bands, we would only play by ourselves. Just being in a band is a world of compromise. Let's admit it, we don't always play the songs we want to at the clubs we want to, but we play anyway. Why do we do this? We make compromises to get a chance to play the things we want. I'll play devil's advocate here. For all you "grow a set" guys, let's say your girlfriend/wife was going to be in a band doing gigs while you had to stay home. Let's say you're not a musician, so you don't understand the concept. All you know is that your girlfriend /wife is going to "bars" to play in front of lots of adoring "male" fans. I don't care who you are, it's always going to be in the back your mind "what are they doing when I'm not there". We are all musicians on this site and we know how easy it is to get sex when you are a musician. Or maybe drinking and driving comes into play. Bottom line is that it is not easy to be the partner of a musician. We all know it because we are musicians. To the OP, the only thing you can do is what feels right in your heart. I would suggest taking her to some clubs and watch a few bands. Has she ever seen you rehearse with the band? The first time my wife watched/listened to us rehearse she said she was amazed but how much hard work it was and how passionate we were about what we were doing. She said it really opened her eyes!
Bands will come and bands will go, but a really good woman is a rare find. If you talk it out, chances are very good you'll come to a compromise (there's that word again) that you both can live with. Try keeping a schedule on a calendar that you both use so you can make time to do something together. Just the voice of experience...a small compromise can reap huge rewards in the end.

[Alan Vorse]

My wife and I just got married this past September. We have been together for going on 9 years, but back in '04, we broke up for 9 months. It's partially because she wanted to get married and I though that would be the end of my life as a musician. Well this all happened around my 30th birthday and I was wondering if I should even continue playing music. So I told her all of this when we got back together. She told me that I couldn't give up music because it would make me a miserable sonofabitch, and she wouldn't want to be around me.

So as long as we have 1 date-night a week, I can pretty much go play as much music as I want. She even mentioned something about not making me choose between her and music in her vows at our wedding.

The point is, honest, open communication is the key.

[joelb79]

Personally, I think marriage is a sacred thing that is neglected in this world way too often. Hence the reason that divorce rates are so high. I would hold on to your wife rather than play gigs.

Music does come and go.

[MazeMouse]

I'm not married.
And am not going to.
My GF already tried to tie me down once when I had a gig on the birthday of her brother (O the drama that one...) Not gonna happen on a "real" level. She's eased up on it on the fact that she WILL lose me if she denies me my music. A few days are sacred to our relationship and for the rest everything is free game on a first-come-first-serve basis.
IE:
-I will not gig on certain holidays/birthdays (parents only)
-Birthdays of family (both sides) aren't important enough to skip out on the band. I have also skipped out on weddings but they aren't on the list per-say.
-If me and my GF decide to go do something in the weekend and a few days later the band decided they want to do a gig in the weekend the GF was first. First come, first serve. (same goes for the other way around)
-at least one day a week is "ours"

This has worked out well enough but that hasn't stopped her from trying the occasional "I don't want you to go" type fit. (Which as soon as "love" is brought up in any form way or shape is nothing more than emotional blackmailing and trying to make me feel guilty and I won't have any of it. So those are becoming less frequent )

Try setting some rules but don't give up the music just because you're married.
People telling "music comes and goes"
I have another one for you "Plenty of fish in the sea"
So you see, that goes both ways. :P

EDIT:
The "The music goes or I go" statement is the ultimate "DITCH HER" red light because as soon as she figured out that works she's gonna try it again and again on other things too