Wives and Girlfriends

Dan Kahanamoku · #1 06-04-2008, 10:50 AM

How do you guys in bands approach the situation of your wife or girlfriend not being supportive of you?

My band is starting to have some success and my girlfriend, whom I love very much, is not happy. We have too many gigs this summer and there will not be time for us to do much together.

When we first met I always told her that she came first and that my band was just a thing I did for fun. I guess I never anticipated us (the band) going anywhere. It's really draining my motivation knowing that if we were to actually make it, that she would probably leave me.

jomahu · #2 06-04-2008, 10:53 AM

it's an unfortunate decision to make, man...that's the problem with this "lifestyle." i was recently dumped because my s.o. did not like the fact that i had no time for him.
which is why i've chosen to be single...

Dan Kahanamoku · #3 06-04-2008, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dan Kahanamoku

How do you guys in bands approach the situation of your wife or girlfriend not being supportive of you?

My band is starting to have some success and my girlfriend, whom I love very much, is not happy. We have too many gigs this summer and there will not be time for us to do much together.

When we first met I always told her that she came first and that my band was just a thing I did for fun. I guess I never anticipated us (the band) going anywhere. It's really draining my motivation knowing that if we were to actually make it, that she would probably leave me.

Yeah, everybody else in my band is single so they just book the hell out of us. I just can't imagine leaving the band and having them get signed with some new bass player. I would die.

skeptikal · #4 06-04-2008, 10:55 AM

My girlfriend is kind of the same way. But I'll tell you what I told her. I've never forced her to stay.

Make yourself happy first.

If you are not married, technically you are still single. girlfriend or not. And if there are no children involved you are free to do whatever you please.

COOL AND DEADLY · #5 06-04-2008, 11:00 AM

I don't understand why girls seem to feel threatened by guys loving anything other then their girlfriend, wife. I've been single for a few years, and just started getting serious with my new girlfriend. I wouldn't stay with her if she was not supportive of me and my passions. It reminds me of an ex I had who was rarely "in the mood." But when I would turn on my favorite football team on tv she suddenly became very affectionate and even aggressive. I pretended to love all sports after that. Like I'd say "Wow my favorite Indoor soccer team is on TV!" It was manipulative, i guess, but it worked.

fretlessman71 · #6 06-04-2008, 11:03 AM

If you told her that she always came "first", and now that's changed, you can't expect her to be happy with it. It sounds like you're going to have to make a choice.

Dan Kahanamoku · #7 06-04-2008, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fretlessman71

If you told her that she always came "first", and now that's changed, you can't expect her to be happy with it. It sounds like you're going to have to make a choice.

That's about right.

**iriegnome** · #8 06-04-2008, 11:11 AM

Nothing like communication. Talk to her about it. Let her know that you did not expect this, but it is more and more becoming a part time job. Sometimes you work more than others. She is going to need to understand. Sure, she can not be happy with it, but it is what it is.
I don't think you will have to make a choice, she will. She is going to have to roll a little with it or not.
Goo luck either way.

lonote · #9 06-04-2008, 11:16 AM

Wife #1 couldn't handle it. We split and I'll never recover from the financial reaming I took. Wife #2 (to whom I'm still happily married) was informed what she was getting herself into beforehand and experienced it before we tied the knot and all is well. The moral of the story is if you're going to go for the brass ring, do it before you get married, start procreating, buying houses, etc. You will never be happy as long as the nagging question, "Could we have made it?" is on your mind...and it WILL be there.

permagrin · #10 06-04-2008, 11:26 AM

You have to make her realize that, even though she still comes first with you, playing music is a big part of who you are. She needs to come to grips with the fact that it's not a choice of being either you (without music) vs. her and you and your music, since the music part is an intrinsic part of you.

Not sure if I worded that right, but quite a while ago my wife was giving me the same kinda crap about how much time I was putting in to playing music, and I told her that of course I could quit it all and she'd have me all to herself, but I'd be miserable so she wouldn't really be getting the true me, which wouldn't be what she wanted.

If you can get her to understand that, then you have to do your part to address the details of her insecurities, let her know what you'll do to assure her of how you feel about her, and then demonstrate it by following through.

pmaraziti · #11 06-04-2008, 11:29 AM

Sorry... had to post this.....

BassChuck · #12 06-04-2008, 11:35 AM

How do you support the things she is interested in? If you are living together, are you sharing the house duties equally?

Relationships are stronger when two independed people make a committment to togetherness. When one person depends on the other for identy or mode of living, there is a potential for problems.

Perhaps there is something besides time that you should be giving. Make sure that when you are with her, you are really with her mind and body. Pay attention to her.

Dan Kahanamoku · #13 06-04-2008, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pmaraziti

Sorry... had to post this.....

That kicks ass.

COOL AND DEADLY · #14 06-04-2008, 11:38 AM

nice PMAr! that is really funny! I heard Jaco slept with his bass

dvh · #15 06-04-2008, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skeptikal

My girlfriend is kind of the same way. But I'll tell you what I told her. I've never forced her to stay.

Make yourself happy first.

If you are not married, technically you are still single. girlfriend or not. And if there are no children involved you are free to do whatever you please.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jomahu

it's an unfortunate decision to make, man...that's the problem with this "lifestyle." i was recently dumped because my s.o. did not like the fact that i had no time for him.
which is why i've chosen to be single...

Both of these are right on the money. If she's not supportive the relationship is not the right one for either of you.

The thing to do? Just talk to her about it. If she doesn't become supportive walk away.

Romantic love is such an illusion. Friends first, man!

funkometer · #16 06-04-2008, 11:42 AM

Youve stumbled upon what some call the curse! Women are bred to be self-centered and materialistic anyway!

scottbass · #17 06-04-2008, 11:49 AM

I suppose it works better after the relationship has had, oh, 30 years or so to develop and mature. Another thing that helps is if she has an independent hobby or activity that takes large chunks of time and doesn't include you. But it really comes down to you want the band AND her, and she doesn't want to share you. You either have to convince her to share you, or you have to give up one or the other (her or the band).

I hope it all works out well for you.

Fnord Explorer · #18 06-04-2008, 12:29 PM

I've always made it a point to tell women early on that music comes first just like for her, oxygen or eating or surviving comes before me. That's what music is to me; I need it to survive. That's why I'm against having children or making my girlfriend/wife/whatever the center of my entire life. Most women don't get that but I have one now that does and it's great.

You have to be out front with that sort of thing though.

dvh · #19 06-04-2008, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fnord Explorer

That's why I'm against... making my girlfriend/wife/whatever the center of my entire life. Most women don't get that but I have one now that does and it's great.

You have to be out front with that sort of thing though.

And this is the mistake many people make. Two individuals, whole within themselves (i.e., truly knowing who they are, what they want and what they need) makes for a healthy and lasting relationship.

Fnord Explorer · #20 06-04-2008, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dvh

And this is the mistake many people make. Two individuals, whole within themselves (i.e., truly knowing who they are, what they want and what they need) makes for a healthy and lasting relationship.

Yeah, putting two independent people together makes for a better time, imo. I hate clingy girls.