Wives and Girlfriends - Page 5

friskinator · #81 06-10-2008, 02:05 PM

My biggest problem was always the incessant questions about the musician's schedule. Here are some examples:

"Why does it take so long to set up/soundcheck?"
"Why can't you answer your phone when you're setting up?"
"Why do you not know what time you'll be done playing?"
"Why do you get home so late after a gig, don't you stop playing at 2:00?"

You guys probably know where I'm going with this. Until I find someone who gets it, I'm staying single. It's made life much easier for me!

ClydeMcAllister · #82 06-10-2008, 09:54 PM

Man, I'm kinda in the same boat too. The fact that I was a musician was the reason my girlfriend was attracted to me in the first place, but after a year I guess she's realizing that dating a musician ain't all that spiffy sometimes. She wants us to get a place and talks about when she wants to get married and...get this...HAVE KIDS! She's 18. I'm 19. I don't think that should be either of our concerns right now. She doesn't want me to get any more involved in music because she's thinking too far ahead and moving way too fast. She doesn't want music to stop me from wanting to have kids or getting married and such. But it's not going to be music that would stop me. It would be the fact that I pretty much don't want any part of that any time soon...

Fact is, I'm a musician, and once I get my next band started up in the next month or so, I know it's going to come down to making the choice and there's no way I'd ever give up music. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Moe Monsarrat · #83 06-11-2008, 06:35 AM

I've been playing music all my life and have always had wives/girlfriends. Seems like girls fall in love with you just the way you are. Then they start trying to change you into some one else. Someone they hate. Telling her it's just a hobby is insane(unless it is). My father was a career soldier. There was no doubt in his household as to what came first. There is no doubt in mine. My girlfriend owns a reggae club in Austin & books reggae festivals. She is totally supportive & actually pushes me to rehearse, advertise & record. My former spouses were more interested in themselves. Screw them. I am what I am. It won't work any other way & you can spend as much time and money as you want figuring that out.

xshawnxearthx · #84 06-11-2008, 07:01 AM

i look at things like this. a band getting big is a one in a million thing. can't pass that type of thing up for a woman. regardless of how much you love her. if you are in a band that's getting big you want to be single anyway to reap all the benefits of being ina band. ;-)

that being said. you should never tell a woman who you are just with that they are the number one priority. been there, done that, ended badly. ruined a lot of great band experiences for me. your number one priority has to be YOU. so just tell her the deal. you still love her and you want to spend all the time you can with her but unfortunately your band is getting bigger and she should be excited to have a rock star boyfriend. she needs to be supportive of you, and if she is not it's not going to work. start by telling her that if her dream was coming true, you would support her and be understanding.

Pilgrim · #85 06-11-2008, 08:35 AM

The original post contained these statements, which are incompatible:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dan Kahanamoku

My band is starting to have some success and my girlfriend, whom I love very much, is not happy. We have too many gigs this summer and there will not be time for us to do much together.

When we first met I always told her that she came first and that my band was just a thing I did for fun.

If the second statement is true, then the first should not be.

Which comes first? Her or the band? Figure it out and be honest with her. It's pretty clear from the statement that the relationship is not top priority.

The issue here is NOT that the girlfriend is not supportive; it's the poster who is not supporting her and their relationship.

Maybe his priorities have changed; if so, he can acknowledge it and pursue his interests. But under no circumstances should he accuse her of not being supportive - it's him changing the rules and deserting the relationship, not her.

I also strongly disagree with the first part of this statement:

Quote:

Originally Posted by xshawnxearthx

...that being said...you should never tell a woman who you are just with that they are the number one priority. been there, done that, ended badly. ruined a lot of great band experiences for me. your number one priority has to be YOU.

The first sentence is terrible advice. Honesty is what's needed. If the relationship is your number one priority, say so. If not, don't say so. I do agree that each of us must figure out our own priorities and do our best to be happy in our own skin, but there is nothing wrong with committing to a relationship and making it your top priority - if it IS your top priority.

sevenyearsdown · #86 06-11-2008, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by COOL AND DEADLY

I don't understand why girls seem to feel threatened by guys loving anything other then their girlfriend, wife. I've been single for a few years, and just started getting serious with my new girlfriend. I wouldn't stay with her if she was not supportive of me and my passions. It reminds me of an ex I had who was rarely "in the mood." But when I would turn on my favorite football team on tv she suddenly became very affectionate and even aggressive. I pretended to love all sports after that. Like I'd say "Wow my favorite Indoor soccer team is on TV!" It was manipulative, i guess, but it worked.

But sometimes it's like, "Damn woman, the playoffs are on! Can we

right here in front of the TV?"

dave64o · #87 06-11-2008, 11:43 AM

We've had plenty of problems in our marriage the last few years and are still struggling through them (never, EVER get involved with a control freak, and there are many examples of poor souls who have in the posts in this thread). But luckily involvement in music has never been an issue.

Then again, my wife is a musician (clarinetist). She's played with a local band that did mostly civic-things like parades, memorial day services, etc. and that band has always had a strict no-practice rule. The low-key nature of it has ensured it was minimal impact at worst and it was certainly nothing I could ever call excessive. But now she's involved with two orchestras and they're a much different story. Still, it would never occur to me to put any pressure on her about them.

Maybe that's why she never gave me a hard time about music. I haven't played out in years so the small amount of time I've put in in the last several years and the relatively small costs of buying and selling used gear here haven't been enough to trump her level of involvement. So luckily music has never been an issue for us.

Thank God. The others have been more than enough.

firststringer · #88 06-11-2008, 02:28 PM

First off, I think this topic is so universal it should be "stickied". People will always be looking for advice on the subject of balancing music with their relationships...

In my case, if all goes according to plan, my wife and I will be having our 1st child a week from today on June 18 (McCartney's birthday - cool). This is, of course, welcome news, and I am sure it will be the most amazing thing either of us will ever experience.

Here's to hoping that I'll be able to juggle it all...

Lemoore-on · #89 06-11-2008, 04:28 PM

Get her/him involved. Hell, put her/him to work helping. My girlfriend has been at a few set ups and knows how much work it takes. Most of all she has been there to the end and helps take down & load up.

If she doesn't make it to the show, she atleast know why it takes me so long to get home.

Michael Case · #90 06-21-2008, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dan Kahanamoku

When we first met I always told her that she came first and that my band was just a thing I did for fun. I guess I never anticipated us (the band) going anywhere. It's really draining my motivation knowing that if we were to actually make it, that she would probably leave me.

Not to be a jerk, but this was your first mistake. Every girl I had ever met and gotten serious with was told I'm in a band. That's all that needs to be known and let the situation work itself out from there. If was asked (by the lady in question) to put her first, sorry I'd have to forget her phone number. If she truly cares about YOU then she'll try to understand what this means to you and deal with it.

MazeMouse · #91 06-22-2008, 03:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by punkbassistfc

Find a gril that likes what you like, it will be easier.

You know, just find a grill. A load of sixpacks and a lot of hamburgers and invite your friend over. Solves most problems

coralfankevin · #92 06-22-2008, 07:29 AM

I think (unless your SO's a control freak) it's all a question of balance and priorities. I'm meant to be starting a master's in September, but there's no way I'll get a big enough loan to cover my fees and living costs, so I've just got myself a full-time job. Plus I've got my band. Plus I've got my girlfriend (we're now both 21 and have been together since she was 18 and I was 17).

Now there's no way I can do a full-time master's course, have a full-time job, dedicate myself properly to the band and maintain my relationship with my girlfriend. Only way to do it would be if I didn't sleep for twelve months. So something's got to give. In the end I've decided the best bet'll be to put off the master's for a year. I haven't told my gf yet, and I doubt she'll be very happy about it, but she wouldn't want me to have to give up any of the things listed above.

To the OP and all the other people having gf problems, is there not something other than band or SO that you could give up to free up some time? I know it's not an ideal solution, but surely it's better than giving up either a band or a close friend?

PS, Karl Pilkington was once asked what he thought the secret to a successful relationship was, and I think there's some truth to his answer: he said you should just carry on doing what you normally do, and if they want to join in, you've probably got quite a good thing going.

Stumbo · #93 06-23-2008, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by coralfankevin

PS, Karl Pilkington was once asked what he thought the secret to a successful relationship was, and I think there's some truth to his answer: he said you should just carry on doing what you normally do, and if they want to join in, you've probably got quite a good thing going.

So let's see, I want a partying, drinking, sex fiend, beautiful, smart woman with money to hang out with. Maybe I'll join in with her.