Wives at out of town gigs??

[Strat Hater]

What's your take?

This little band that I am getting involved in dictates that we have to occasionally travel for gigs. Edmonton AB - 6 hrs, Saskatoon SK 8 hrs etc...

My wife mentioned to me that she would like to come along for support and company. Now the band leader says that the bar managers usually don't let wives, girlfriends etc just band members only.

What is the norm for this? I think that if she wants to come then I should be able to pay for an extra room, but the BL says that the bar managers don't even want that!!

HELP!!

[g4string]

So let me get this straight, a bar owner doesn't want a potential customer in their establishment? Why would a bar owner not want a spouse of the hired band in his/her bar? Makes zero sense to me. Sounds to me like the BL is making some lame excuse as to why he doesn't want your wife on the trip. If I was driving my own car and paying for my own room, I would bring whomever I wanted. End of story.

[jaywa]

Your BL is full of shiite.

Bar owners dont care if band members GFs/wives are there as long as they dont try to scam free drinks and don't disrupt the gig.

I'm guessing your BL had a bad experience at some point with a "Yoko" and is trying to avoid a repeat so he's just telling you that.

[Bassbubble11]

I am confused. What do bar managers have to do with anything?

Are you telling me the guy who manages the bar you are playing at
doesn't allow the band to bring there wife's with them?

What? I don't get what you are saying.

[two fingers]

Your BL is full of crap. He has other reasons for wanting to leave your wife at home. Perhaps he is up to no good on the road himself? I have NEVER encountered a bar manager who didn't approve of a spouse being at the gig. I have done everything from dives, to 5 star hotels for 6 days at a time and all points in between. When doing the hotel gigs, often my SO has come to the hotel for a couple of days. Often they end up hanging out at the bar with the manager all night. They become pals. That issue has never come up once.

Here's the only thing to keep in mind. Never EVER take a spouse/girlfriend to a PRIVATE function (unless, of course they are invited anyway). THAT is tasteless. But a bar???? Ridiculous. If you DO find a bar owner who has a problem with that, please let us know which bar. I would be curious to know which idiot this is.

Something else is going on here. Your BL smells of scandal.

[Strat Hater]

My wife can be controlling at times, but she is my wife and I think that she should be aloud to come if she wants. I am agreeing with you guys that this smells of brown stuff.

This is not related, but he also;

• Don't use a set list
  Will throw songs that have not been rehearsed
  Has no sense of time ( See you in 10 min, then two hours later he shows up)

Problem is he is a good friend of mine and we have fun when we are practicing, but direction seems lacking.

What to do I feel like I am being torn between the band thing and the marriage thing. Also I am not too crazy about the travelling on the weekends, I drive cab 60 hrs a week as it is. But there is hardly any local venues for local bands, maybe 6 or 7!! AGHH!!

[Strat Hater]

Something else is going on here. Your BL smells of scandal.

I think it smells more of him not caring for my wife

[mellowinman]

Your bandleader has no say in this. NONE. He is trying to infringe upon your personal life, and he doesn't get to do that.

You tell him that he best never talk to you about anything like that again.

And next time, don't ask. Tell.

We are talking about your WIFE here.

[two fingers]

Well, that settles it. If he is a good friend, then just talk to him. You have now found out that he's full of crap on the bar manager thing. So just ASK him about it! Why would that be such a problem? For the sake of an example, we'll call him "Bob".

You - "Hey, Bob. I still don't get the whole wife not coming to gigs thing. Why do bar managers have a problem with it again?"

Bob - "Because they hate orange."

You - "Bob, that doesn't make any sense. What does the color orange have to do with it?"

Bob - "I don't know! Ask them!" (Gets defensive because he's full of crap.)

You - "Bob. You're full of crap. What's REALLY going on here?"

I can't fill out the rest. It's up to Bob at that point. But be a grown man and just TALK to him about it. If he doesn't like your wife, gets in your face about asking a question, or otherwise side steps the issue, then you are in the wrong band my friend. Good luck with that.

P.S. A controlling wife is not a problem if she is only controlling YOU. But make sure she doesn't try to control the band. That's bad..... really bad. That ends bands and friendships faster than anything. No offense, but she needs to keep her mouth shut about band business. If the band doesn't fit into your family life, that's something for the two of you to decide. But band business is just that. I would never let my band trump/disrespect my wife. But I would also never EVER let my wife be involved in a band meeting/business discussion.

[BIG97BEN]

Dude if your wife won't let you go alone, and you are already not crazy about it due to your day job, why are you sticking around? There are all kinds of valid reasons not to bring a significant other on what is essentially a business trip. Of course if your not making any money and this is all for fun and you're paying your own way, then I would imagine it would only be more fun to share a hotel room with your wife after the show.

[smogg]

"I would never let my band trump/disrespect my wife. But I would also never EVER let my wife be involved in a band meeting/business discussion."

This, certain lines are not meant to be crossed.

[plong123]

He probably just wants to have a guys getaway. Which I totally understand. Maybe he loves travel gigs because he gets a chance to get away from his wife for a little bit. Plenty of guys are like that. And he thinks bringing any wife will change the dynamic of the band hanging out (which it might), or maybe if your wife comes, then his wife will want to come, and travel gigs are to get away from her/family life, etc etc.

I obviously don't know this guy, but I can see a couple of reasons for his actions that don't come from any kind of malicious place. He might just be the kind of person that gets a plan in their head of how it should work, and deviating from that internal plan drives him nuts.

[two fingers]

plong, you may have a point. But we're all grownups. The BL should just come out and say that rather than insult the OP's intelligence with a BS (and stupid) story about bar managers.

[77jazz]

Does your wife create drama? It could be distracting to the band if your wife is the controlling type, jealous type, or starts s**t anytime another girl looks at you. If she isn't like that, then you bring her anytime she wants. If she is, leave her at home.
My wife comes out whenever she feels like it. But then again, I have a cool wife. On the other side, I know guys who have girl friends that just ruin the night for everyone.

[two fingers]

77jazz said in in more plain English than I did, but that's it in a nutshell.

By the way, I have a cool wife like that too. In fact, my buddies get mad when I DON'T bring her along. She's a trip. They would rather hang with her. She can eat hotter wings than they can, knows more about baseball than they do, and ain't hard to look at. The trifecta of awesome.

[bassdoubler]

If the band has a please no wives/gfs rule I guess that's one thing. If it's a local gig, I think everybody's welcome. If it's an out of town gig where suddenly having an extra person, let alone a wife/gf makes travel and things like that MORE difficult, that's another thing. I recently did a 3 week international tour with one of my bands. On several occasions, having her sit in the front seat of our super packed little rent-a-car while 3 grown men scrunched in the back WITH our instruments on top of us for a 2 hour drive there AND back was more than aggravating. Not to mention half the band is married and while they behave themselves, they sure love to flirt. Well since the guitarist's wife is friends with everybody's wife, suddenly everyone had to be on their best behavior and it just kinda killed the vibe.

Either way, if you WANT your wife there, speak up. No club owner would ever say no wife or gf, so it sounds like your band member doesn't want it.

[bassbully]

Tell him to go get bent and worry about his own biz. If I was told I could not bring my wife along over a stupid reason like this I would say well then you need to find a bass player fast.

[jive1]

Sometimes the only reason why I'll do an out of town gig is so I can bring my wife, and get a paid mini-vacation out of it.

[ma4rk]

Just my 2cents: He's just trying to get out of saying that the gig is a boy's weekend away, like going fishing, playing golf or hunting. I would just ask him: 'you want it to be a boy's weekend only thing?' and leave it at that or it might cause more friction.

No disrespect to the wives, girlfriends or husbands out there, but there are times when you just need a boys weekend away.

[Nagrom]

My BL's wife comes to every gig, and we play the same route you're talking about.
No bar manager has ever even mentioned it.