Worst "audition" ever Contest Inside!

[Big Hungry]

Due to recent disagreements with my band I posted a classified add on myspace for a bass player looking to expand with and electro rock band.

My preclusions to joining a band are as follows:



No other member shall be bigger than me. I am a large man an rather enjoy being the fat bass player. Plus what then would I have to complain about.

I refuse to play a song that includes the word c**t, just typing it makes me feel dirty.

The combined total of the value of your gear must exceed $100 seeing as I have damn near $3000 invested in mine so should you.

DO NOT LIE TO ME!





I recieved a reply from a man who calls himself Psycho Grass 13. Red flag number one. He introduced me to a myspace page full of alice cooper covers and even though my add said electro rock I agreed to come jam with him.

I loaded up all my gear and drove 40 miles to his house at which time he informed me that he had no car and the other band member lived an additional 40 miles away. Red flag number 2.

When we got to this guys house I noticed 4 Ron Paul 2008 signs in his front window, lets be honest here 1 sign will do just fine and voting for Ron Paul is kind like voting for Ralph Nader. We go inside and I am introduced to man named Jeff who easily has 50 lbs on me. Strewn about the house are freshly played with legos and wall to wall Invader Zim paraphernalia. The house smells of burn macaroni and cheese.

I wheel my half stack into the house and am lead to a room that is no bigger than the 5x9 I enjoyed whilst on my county funded vacation a few years back. So I stand in the hall. Once I get talking to these guys I realise that this practice is going nowhere fast. They are both 23 and neither have jobs. All their music consists of a drumtrack written with Fruity Loops and the fat mans horrible guitar playing with PG13 on vocals.


Their equipment includes

15" sunn speaker through which the drum track and guitars are played.

No name brand power amp probably purchased at a pawn shop.

Rogue bass with rusted strings.

20 watt blown squire amp

Digitech RP 200

BC Rich BICH NJ series.


Their set list includes everything from venereal disease to alice cooper covers to menstruation.

From here on everything is a blur, I am trying to hold back tears of laughter or tears of horror I am not sure.

I do remember the guitarist trying to explain to me that his Bc Rich was worth 3-4K. He is one of THOSE guys. The one who keeps his watch in military time to be different. No doubt he pulls his pants down all the way to pee. He wouldn't even tell me what he was tuned to because he said I would get lost.
After about 30 minutes of begging he finally said "its a standard 7 string tuning C, F#........" *** is he just making this up on the spot?!

When I told PG13 that he should probably change his bass strings and that I changed mine every 4 or 5 weeks the guitarist laughed and said "wow you go through strings fast, I have had these on here for over a year and havn't broken one yet"

By the end I was emotionally broken, is this what I have been reduced to. As I was walking out the door he exclaimed "Same time next tuesday?" I told him I would check my schedule and didn't even look back.

Here is where the contest comes in.

The person who comes up with the best excuse as to why I can't play with these guys again gets a screenshot of me sending it to him. I feel bad that these guys are so musically retarded and PG13 is a nice guy but there is no way in hell that I am going to devote one more minute to this wannabe bastard shock rock project they are trying to pull off.

So far the most honest way I have come up with is to tell them that my other band won't let me be in a second band.

I don't know.

[scottbass]

I had the same situation a few years back. Both of the guys I jammed with chain smoked, and one of them chewed Skoal WHILE he chain smoked - TRUE! They each must have sucked down 12 cigs in the 45 minutes I was there.

I told them I was actually looking for a working band I could just step into, rather than a band we would have to start from scratch. Your ad obviously said something different, but you could always say that you decided you wanted to get back to gigging as quickly as possible and because of that you are looking for a working band.

[ThunderLizard]

How about...'Can't come back until my typhoid shot's been updated'.
These guys sound dangerously deluded. Best to stay far away.

[Bass Tees]

That is one of the funniest posts I've seen in a long while.

[invader3k]

Wow, I'm glad I can't say any of my auditions or jams have been anywhere close to that bad.

About the only thing close that I can compare it to, was when I went to jam with a couple guys doing originals (very modern "indy-ish" sound). Well, the front man, who was also the song writer and guitarist, was over an hour late. Jam actually went pretty well, but I wasn't too sorry when they didn't call me back.

[Phalex]

Bass players always seem to have legal and or substance issues. I would go something along the lines of:

"Dude" (You may feel free to substitute "Buddy" for Dude at your discretion.)

"I've been meaning to call you, but I haven't been able to get to a phone for a couple of days. I was pulling out of the drive thru at Taco bell about 3:00 in the morning Saturday night on my way home from the bar and I got pulled over. The cop was a real dick and searched my car and found like an ounce of weed and I blew a .287. So, anyway, I was in jail for a couple of days, and my car is in impound because it was my third offense DUI and I just don't think I can commit to anything until after I see what happens at my hearing. I could be going away for a while, I just don't know."


Completely believable coming from a bass player.

[Atoz]

Priceless... Is that house you went to in Salt Lake? I wouldn't mind "auditioning" there for laughs.

[stflbn]

"No doubt he pulls his pants down all the way to pee."


Bonus points for visual image....



+112



I was at a hockey game in nashville a couple years ago and walked into the bathroom to find a mid 40's, more then ordinary looking gentleman standing at the middle of say 7 urnals taking a leak... bare assed... pants around ankles... no underwear... About 20 guys standing back behind him in disbelief. No one was brave enough to step up... was funny as hell. He finished... pulled em up and zipped up and went on his way. Bathroom flow resumed...

oh... and the predators lost that game also...

.

[Bass Tees]

Can I please get a link to this MySpace page?

[Big Hungry]

Originally Posted by Phalex

Bass players always seem to have legal and or substance issues. I would go something along the lines of:

"Dude" (You may feel free to substitute "Buddy" for Dude at your discretion.)

"I've been meaning to call you, but I haven't been able to get to a phone for a couple of days. I was pulling out of the drive thru at Taco bell about 3:00 in the morning Saturday night on my way home from the bar and I got pulled over. The cop was a real dick and searched my car and found like an ounce of weed and I blew a .287. So, anyway, I was in jail for a couple of days, and my car is in impound because it was my third offense DUI and I just don't think I can commit to anything until after I see what happens at my hearing. I could be going away for a while, I just don't know."


Completely believable coming from a bass player.

Incidently, I am a recovering addict.


I told him that I couldn't be in a band that did anything other than drink. He said "I don't do drugs, never had" I was like "then *** is wrong with you?"

This could work.

Originally Posted by Atoz

Priceless... Is that house you went to in Salt Lake? I wouldn't mind "auditioning" there for laughs.

Yeah I picked him up in Downtown and we drove way the hell out to Stansbury park.

[Atoz]

Originally Posted by Big Hungry

...

Yeah I picked him up in Downtown and we drove way the hell out to Stansbury park.

OMG! My band practices in Stansbury Park! Don't worry... we're not those same guys.

That 40 mile drive DOES suck, though.

[mutedeity]

I think the coolest thing you could do is tell them like it is.

"You guys are terrible, you should invest some time in learning to play, getting serious and getting some work, a drivers licence and a sense of personal hygene. If you think that's a bit harsh consider that you on the other hand expect me to drive 40 miles at my own expense to play with a couple of guys who have no ideas and no prospect of doing anything of worth in the forseeable future musical or otherwise. Thanks and have a nice day"

[mtizzle]

Email them the day of telling them you got your junk caught in your zipper or something and just can't make it. They should understand. Just keep using that excuse until they forget about you.

[garth elson]

Dude

My mom won't let me. She says that if I want to be in a band, she has to talk to you guys and make sure you're not a "couple of stoners who don't have anything going for them". It's totally gay, but I like argued with her for so long. She's such a pain sometimes. If you guys want, you can come to her birthday on saturday and talk to her about it (she's kinda weird about swearing tho)

[DaftCat]

"As I was walking out the door he exclaimed "Same time next tuesday?" I told him I would check my schedule and didn't even look back."
Why would you lead someone on? If you aren't interested you can always say something neutral if you can't say something direct. Next time reply, "I'll call you."

Excuse #1 "Hi, uh I've been thinking it over and I simply don't have the musical ability to keep up to you guys. My other band wasn't happy since they got the idea I might be leaving them."

Excuse #2 "Hi, after your audition I went to another and their band not only are already gigging the mid-west, it is a burlesque/alternative/dyke electro-rock show. You gotta understand my reasons, bro."

...and yeah, what's their myspace page?

DCat

[K2000]

You decided you're going to put all your energy into your 'solo project'.

[Deluge Of Sound]

Originally Posted by Phalex

Bass players always seem to have legal and or substance issues. I would go something along the lines of:

"Dude" (You may feel free to substitute "Buddy" for Dude at your discretion.)

"I've been meaning to call you, but I haven't been able to get to a phone for a couple of days. I was pulling out of the drive thru at Taco bell about 3:00 in the morning Saturday night on my way home from the bar and I got pulled over. The cop was a real dick and searched my car and found like an ounce of weed and I blew a .287. So, anyway, I was in jail for a couple of days, and my car is in impound because it was my third offense DUI and I just don't think I can commit to anything until after I see what happens at my hearing. I could be going away for a while, I just don't know."


Completely believable coming from a bass player.

Do you regularly have an oz of weed left in your car by 3:00 in the morning on a Saturday?

I wouldn't

But this is actually a pretty good one, it sounds just extensive enough to be true.

[Big Hungry]

http://www.myspace.com/psychograss13

Please don't torment this guy. I just want to move on in a funny way, I don't want the poor guy to run off and kill himself thinking that he will never amount to nothing.

I wasn't trying to lead him on but I still had a 30 minute drive to deal with before I dropped PG13 off and I didn't want him to cry or slit my throat or something.

What the ****!???????????? He already put me on his page as the bass player!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy lord this has gone too far.

[Busker]

I have my own "worst".

I answer an ad for bass player wanted and got a reply. Audition was set up. Blues band, with a little bit of rock thrown in. The guitarist has some great originals, he said.

I get to the guitarist's house and we chat while waiting for the drummer. The drummer gets there and they explain that he hasn't really played drums in a long time. We adjourn to the music room where the drums and amps are waiting.

The music is nothing outstanding, mainly Stevie Ray Vaughan wannabe stuff, but several notches below the real thing. The drummer cannot play very well at all. I am already watching the clock on the wall out of the corner of my eye, and I've been there all of 25 minutes. Then the guitarist plays one of his originals. It sucked. He shows me a lick he wants me to play at the beginning, and we start the song again. I flubbed the lick. He shows me one more time and says curtly, "Try to remember that". At that, I decide this is my last song with these guys.

At the end of the song I turned off his bass amp and started packing my bass, saying well, its been fun, thanks, yada yada. He asks how I thought it went. I told him I couldn't play that kind of music all night long, wasn't interested, that I wasn't going to be his new bassist. His reply was "Well, we needed someone who could pick up on this stuff a little faster anyway". Yeah, like I was supposed to have learned his crap perfectly in 30 minutes.

[Big Hungry]

That sucks, he didn't have to be a dick.

Contest ends tomorow before I have to go to work. I'll start a poll in the morning and send off the message on saturday.

So far the DUI one is in the lead IMO, I think I'll add that I relapsed on heroin and cocaine too.
followed closely by the mom one.