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Christmas Letters

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by slobake, Dec 9, 2013.

  1. slobake

    slobake Supporting Member

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    Do you get those printed letters from people telling you about how wonderful they and thier family is living in Heavenly Valley in thier house with the white picket fence? You know what I am talking about. Do ever wonder if your family is the only one with issues? I understand why people do this, of course we are not going to tell everyone our dirty little secrets. I thought it would be fun to post some christmas letters that are a little ahem, different. :p So, here you go:

    Hi Friends,

    2013 has been an interesting year for the Spottyface family.
    Little Oddsby started middle school this year and we are so proud of him for finally getting out of grammar school. We gave him his first razor as a graduation present, can’t have the little fellow with a five o’clock shadow at his graduation. He also is getting better about wetting the bed, sometimes he can get through a whole week without watering the hay. Just last week we told him urine proving.
    Our little queen Smellapork got her usual 4.0 average in her senior year at high school. The doctor said she is not contagious anymore, she is so relieved to get out of that confining stainless steel mask. We are finally rid of her scuzzy boyfriend Canisbreath. He took one look at her unmasked face and hit the door, we didn’t even mind cleaning up the puddle of vomit he left behind. We are glad be rid of the low rent cheezeball, papa was getting tired of finding dirty needles in the bathroom.
    Mama Spottyface has been a hit at P.T.A. meetings. All the other parents love the pharmaceuticals she brings with her. The meetings have been so lively ever since she has been attending. She has managed to keep out of the drunk tank most of the year, the one time she was caught she beat the daylights out of some little tramp that stole her cigarettes and tried to sell them back to her. Grandpa Shanker would be proud of how she handled herself in that cell. That accident wasn’t her fault either, she had to swerve into that other lane three times before she hit that car. Some people just don’t pay attention when they are driving. We don’t know why the judge was so unreasonable. Who needs a license anyway?
    Papa Spottyface has had a busy year too. He had a record 16 jobs this year. No one ever accused him of being a quitter. Only three of his employers have pressed charges this year but none of them have stuck. It seems no one appreciates creative workers anymore. The burns from the meth lab fire are almost healed and the doctor says he can take off the bandages soon.
    Happy holidays to you and yours from the Spottyface family.
  2. MatticusMania

    MatticusMania LANA! HE REMEMBERS ME! Supporting Member

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    I do? Sir, I am fairly certain I do not.
  3. slobake

    slobake Supporting Member

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    You never got a christmas card with a letter titled something like "The Flatulance family diaries of 2013?"
    I must be hanging out with the wrong people. :p
  4. MatticusMania

    MatticusMania LANA! HE REMEMBERS ME! Supporting Member

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    Nope. I did open up a Christmas card that arrived in the mail but was addressed to a previous tennant.
    It wasnt even a real Christmas card, it was a Dish Network advertisment.
  5. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister Supporting Member

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    Neither did I, and I've been around longer than MatticusMania.

    -Mike
  6. MartinG1957

    MartinG1957 You can never have too many bones.... Supporting Member

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    Definitely not a Brit or Irish thing, never seen one of those in me life! :)
  7. slobake

    slobake Supporting Member

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  8. Bloodhammer

    Bloodhammer Don't be ludicrous Supporting Member

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    Seasons greetings from the Thorpes!

    As you know, little child X and our precious Y still don't exist because Sharon can't have children, so there's no need for me telling you how they are not doing in school. We do love our wonderful Tamagotchi children, though. Speaking of Sharon, she's gone. I know what you're thinking - "My god! I knew it was going to be that creep Frank that she works with!" - No. It was the UPS man.

    He ran over her last August. He was coming down the road with our new, uh, "toys" we ordered from ohyeahdontstop.com and she ran out the door to go intercept them. She was so exited. I probably shouldn't have left the slip-n-slide out in the yard. Oh well, what can ya do, ya know?

    You're probably wondering about Sparky. He's well. Rabid, but otherwise well. The squirrels he likes to chase have a game of their own, it turns out. I'm looking forward to spending what little time he has left playing with him. I have to keep him caged, but I figured out a way to play catch with him by bouncing his ball off the bars. He just snaps at it and growls, snaps at it and growls. It's so cute. He's such a good boy.

    You'll be glad to hear the kitchen and part of the house did actually burn down a few weeks ago. That darn stove always did leak. What can I say? You know how I love natural gas highs! You told me to get it fixed, but I never did listen. You said, "John, your kitchen is going to go up in flames if you don't get that gas leak fixed." Looks like I owe you five bucks. Ha ha.

    Anyway, I'm going to cut this short just like that circular saw did my left arm last spring. Get it? Ha ha. Have a merry Christmas and keep looking for that live WW2 pineapple grenade I was going to give you last year, but somehow lost in the kids' bedroom. It'll turn up somewhere! It is an antique after all and antiques last the test of time!

    Yours Truly, John "Lucky Guy" Thorpe
  9. UncleFluffy

    UncleFluffy

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    Disclosures:
    Head Tinkerer, The Flufflab
    It's like hearing from Facebook friends but only one status update per year.
  10. FilterFunk

    FilterFunk

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    I've never gotten one (thank goodness!), and I thought they had played out a long time ago. People still send those things?
  11. Bloodhammer

    Bloodhammer Don't be ludicrous Supporting Member

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    Happy holidays from the Thorpes!

    We have been having a wonderful year! How about yours?

    Sharon is doing fine. It turns out that you can live with only the upper half of your body! I guess we'll never be having those kids we hoped for after all, but we still have our health. She just got out of the hospital and the doctor assured me she could live until she dies. The UPS man is glad it all worked out so well. He has a son he's willing to give to us because according to him, he's "nothing but trouble" ha ha. What a precocious little scamp he is! He can already blow smoke rings! *Just between us, I'm thinking of taking him in - dont tell Sharon* shhh ;)

    We buried Sparky by the I20 overpass he loved to play on so much. I miss that dog already, but I've found another cute companion hanging upside down from a tree branch in the back yard. She looks like a big white and grey mouse that has a pouch for her babies and she loves cat food! We call her Hissy.

    There are also these nice gentlemen down the road that agreed to help rebuild my kitchen for me if they could use it as their laboratory. They're nice kids. I think they're trying to win a science fair competition at their high school. They have all these neat chemistry things, but they must have really bad colds because they always need me to buy them more medicine. I hope they're okay. Anyway, my kitchen looks great!

    I hope you like my gift. My "kitchen boys", as I call them, thought you would. They even thought you'd want to pay me, but I told them that's not in the spirit of Christmas. The one with the pierced head called me a buster ass Mark, whatever that is. I assured him that my name is John, but he insisted I'm Mark, so they must understand the holiday season even better than me.

    So have a merry Christmas, you buster ass Marks!

    Yours Truly, John "Lucky Guy" Thorpe
  12. Phalex

    Phalex Yeah, I've got the moves like Jagger. Supporting Member

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    I'm working on the final edit of the Von Porklipps family letter.
  13. stratovani

    stratovani

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    Sounds like something from the Firesign Theater! :D
  14. Jeff K

    Jeff K Supporting Member

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    "Firesign Theater"?? Whoa!! Talk about a blast from the past! :D

    And Slobake, I know exactly what you mean about those letters. I've received many of them over the years. My wife and I always have a good laugh changing the words around in order to make them a bit more, um, realistic... ;)
  15. eukatheude

    eukatheude

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    Fortunately not here either. Sounds like a very WASP thing.
  16. blastoff99

    blastoff99 Supporting Member

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    Yes, people still send these things. I get several.

    One one hand, it is sort of interesting to get an update from people I care about but only hear from once a year - I would feel badly if one member of a couple died and I kept addressing that card wrongly for the next decade - but on the other hand some of the details can be painful. One person I know sends a double-sided 8-pt missive to all her family and friends, giving the real rundown of the year. Although I care about this person, there are some things I just don't need to know. I'd rather hear from these folks more often, and by email.

    A couple of these letters are decently done - they're the ones that give a short rundown of the major events (So-and-so got married, We took our dream trip to Europe) in about one sentence, and then include a photo. But minutiae... nope.

    I confess that I do write a short (1/3 page, 11-pt) note to go with the card. It explains the photo on the card, says "we're fine, and we hope you are as well," and that's it.

    And yes, I got my cards out already. Done! :D
  17. fhm555

    fhm555 So FOS my eyes are brown Supporting Member

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    Definitely a southern thing and (usually) from the well heeled. I called them brag letters because they were always full of brags about the kids, house, and business, and how "blessed" they were.

    Christmas is for kids and since I don't have any, the only Christmas I participate in is my sibs and mom and pop all get together for a day or two of catching up with good food and fun company.

    I don't send any cards so I've (finally) fallen off just about everyone's card list, but I still get the random brag letter with the (required) Christmas themed family portrait.
  18. Milk

    Milk Supporting Member

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    I heard about these but it isn't being done in this here country.

    The only people i see or talk to at xmas are my parents and my brother. I don't go to the family gatherings, these people are strangers to me.
  19. slobake

    slobake Supporting Member

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    Should I be afraid? :eek: :p
  20. DwaynieAD

    DwaynieAD

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    never heard of it, seems like something that i'd pitch in the trash.

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