1. Welcome to TalkBass, the Premier Bass Player Community and Information Source. We've been uniting the Low End Since 1998!

    We're glad you've found us. Register a 100% Free Account to post and unlock tons of features.

Critique these lyrics (punk rock)

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous [BG]' started by basskababble, Feb 12, 2014.


  1. basskababble

    basskababble

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2008
    Location:
    Miami Florida
    I've recently been inspired to write original music after loosing a third band with nothing left but memories and debt. I'd like to get any feedback I can on the first nearly finished set of lyrics I've put together:

    Surrender

    You dont have my back
    so much for friends
    You forgot how to live
    You've been dead since you did

    surrender

    I know youre blind
    but I'm not deaf
    Hitting the right notes
    is the first ****ing step

    Surrender
    I give up no
    surrender
    I give up no
    surrender I give up

    Your friendship was plain
    You make me sick
    Compare me to him?
    Grow up its pathetic
    You think you're tough?
    We were supposed to be brothers
    Have respect for my choices
    Have fun playing covers

    you surrendered
    to the drugs that make you sick
    you surrendered
    you think it makes you different

    It's sung in my head like Kieth Morris of Black Flag / OFF.

    Thanks!
     
  2. Bassisgood4U

    Bassisgood4U Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2014
    Looks more like a letter to somebody. It's too personal.
     
  3. pacojas

    pacojas "FYYA BUN"

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2009
    Location:
    MEXICANADAMERICA
  4. TolerancEJ

    TolerancEJ

    Joined:
    May 27, 2010
    Location:
    Vancouver, BC Canada
    Of course, you copyrighted the song before typing it online, right? :p
     
  5. Register to disable this ad
  6. verycoolname

    verycoolname

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Location:
    VA/PA
    Really digging the first verse you got there.

    I agree with Bassisgood4U's notion that it's almost too personal, but I still like it. Angsty and to the point.
     
  7. AaronVonRock

    AaronVonRock

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2013
    Location:
    Bangkok
    The lyrics are personal, but a lot of punk songs are pissed-off, 1st person POV. See Rollins-era Black Flag. Your lyrics will work in a song.
     
  8. ZenG

    ZenG

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2013
    Couple of lines in there that sound a bit "clinical"
    and don't fit the "zeitgeist" of the song.....

    (1) "hitting the right notes'


    (2) "have respect for my choices"......needs to be said differently

    (3) "have fun playing covers".......needs to be said in a different way


    Good song........just my two cents adjusted for inflation....

    Keep up the good work.........cheers.......:bassist:
     
  9. basskababble

    basskababble

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2008
    Location:
    Miami Florida
    Thanks for the feedback! It will go a long way towards confidently making this a track.

    Beyond the punk rock excuse, I like this reaction because most of it was actually a letter (in texts) to me, not someone else. I wanted to remember what I was told and be able to see the other side. Personal is ok... I'm probably the only one who will ever hear it in song.

    I would take it as a compliment if someone stole it and turned it into something. Something about the form of flattery comes to mind.

    That's the kind of help I could really use. Any expanding on that or ideas you could offer will be well received.
     

Share This Page