How many apply to you??!!

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by jjk2007, Dec 10, 2013.


  1. jjk2007

    jjk2007 Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2008
    Messages:
    1,540
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    Found this on the Austin CL the other day.


    Bass Player Offenses and Fines
    Bass player offenses/fines list

    Name of offender _____________________________
    Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______

    Musical offenses

    Playing loudly during warm up -- $10
    Sound-checking amp with funk slapping -- $25
    Loud cursing after mistake -- $10
    Playing high and fast after mistake -- $20
    Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes -- $20
    Asking for "E" tuning note -- $25
    Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb -- $50
    Playing written-out walking line -- $50
    Failure to play written walking line -- $75
    Writing note names over ledger-line notes -- $50
    Writing beat numbers under dotted figures -- $50
    Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
    Dragging fast tempo -- $75
    Dragging ballad tempo -- $100
    Blacking out during ballad -- $200
    Ignoring drummer's tempo -- $100
    Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me -- $1000

    Upright player offenses

    Showing up before first downbeat -- $25
    Playing audibly -- $25
    Faking changes -- $25
    Slapping -- $150
    Excessive sweating -- $25
    Pedal point double-stops during horn solo -- $50
    Asking leader for a solo -- $30
    Accepting solo when offered -- $50
    Taking second chorus -- $100
    Playing solo arco -- $400
    Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune -- $25
    Playing "A Train" ending on every tune -- $200
    Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune -- $500

    Electric player offenses

    Checking hair between tunes -- $15
    Experimenting with odd meters -- $25
    Missing root at end of blistering fill -- $25
    Playing with a pick -- $50
    Tuning during ballad -- $30
    Playing Jaco groove on samba -- $75
    Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad -- $150
    Attempting last word on final chord -- $50
    Achieving last word on final chord -- $100
    Long gliss down to final note -- $200

    Equipment violations--electric

    Forgetting strap -- $10
    Changing strings after every set -- $15
    Using electric tuner -- $15
    Setting up mic "just in case" -- $75
    Forgetting to turn amp on -- $40
    Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip -- $50
    Asking horn player for help moving amp -- $25
    Bringing custom-made bass -- $100 per string above 4
    Bringing more than 1 bass -- $100 per extra bass
    Skull decals on bass -- $150
    Bringing fretless bass -- $500

    Criminal bad taste

    Telling bone player about all the gigs you get -- $10
    Asking bone player about their day gig -- $10
    Sitting behind drums on break -- $10
    Quoting "Birdland" -- $25
    Practicing scales during break -- $25
    Practicing scales during drum solo -- $50
    Practicing -- $150
    Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" -- $50
    Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" -- $100

    Basic stupidity

    Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt -- $10
    Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt -- $20
    Asking when the rock set starts -- $20
    Continually asking "where are we?" -- $25
    Continually shouting "Yeah!" -- $25
    Asking bone player where "1" is -- $50
    Taking cellphone call during 4's -- $100

    do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
     
  2. Hamlet7768

    Hamlet7768 Here to chew gum and rock. Still have gum.

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,249
    Well I guess I get fined $50, but YOU try playing Enter Sandman without a pick. :p

    Oh wait, there's another $150.
     
  3. bkbirge

    bkbirge Supporting Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,073
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Disclosures:
    Endorsing Artist: Steak n Shake
    This list has been around longer than the internet. It still cracks me up. Though since I suspect someday soon people won't understand the references to trombone this is the one that I LOL'd at...
    Asking bone player about their day gig -- $10
     
  4. eukatheude

    eukatheude

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2012
    Messages:
    1,444
    Location:
    Italy, Brescia
    Playing loudly during warm up -- $10
    Sound-checking amp with funk slapping -- $25
    Loud cursing after mistake -- $10
    Playing high and fast after mistake -- $20
    Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes -- $20
    Writing note names over ledger-line notes -- $50
    Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
    Checking hair between tunes -- $15
    Experimenting with odd meters -- $25
    Missing root at end of blistering fill -- $25

    Attempting last word on final chord -- $50
    Achieving last word on final chord -- $100
    Long gliss down to final note -- $200
    Using electric tuner -- $15
    Setting up mic "just in case" -- $75
    Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip -- $50
    Bringing more than 1 bass -- $100 per extra bass
    Bringing fretless bass -- $500
    Sitting behind drums on break -- $10
    Practicing scales during break -- $25
    Practicing scales during drum solo -- $50
    Continually asking "where are we?" -- $25
     
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  6. Doctor_Clock

    Doctor_Clock The Moon Machine Gold Supporting Member

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    Location:
    Brooklyn, NY
  7. drummer5359

    drummer5359 Gold Supporting Member

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    Messages:
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    Location:
    Pittsburgh PA USA
    This could cure our gas... we won't have any money left.
     
  8. FretNoMore

    FretNoMore * Cooking with GAS * Supporting Member

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    1
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    The frozen north
    I don't even dare go through the whole lot, I probably couldn't afford it. :)
     
  9. Art Araya

    Art Araya Supporting Member

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    Missing root at end of blistering fill

    Been known to happen every now and again. lol
     
  10. Biggbass

    Biggbass Supporting Member

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    Planet Earth
    I've missed a few root notes after a fill but otherwise I'm clean!
     
  11. Gaolee

    Gaolee The Fat Violin Supporting Member

    Joined:
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    2,102
    Um... No comment.
     
  12. Bassist4Eris

    Bassist4Eris Non Serviam Supporting Member

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    1,994
    Location:
    Scotia NY
    I'm in it for $1,680, plus immediate dismissal.
     
  13. zachoff

    zachoff

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2003
    Messages:
    4,023
    Location:
    Boulder Suburbia, Colorado
    As for stuff I've done...

    Playing loudly during warm up -- $10
    Loud cursing after mistake -- $10
    Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
    Playing audibly -- $25
    Faking changes -- $25
    Missing root at end of blistering fill -- $25
    Playing with a pick -- $50
    Forgetting strap -- $10
    Using electric tuner -- $15
    Setting up mic "just in case" -- $75
    Forgetting to turn amp on -- $40
    Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip -- $50
    Bringing more than 1 bass -- $100 per extra bass

    Not bad, I guess... But I don't ever play with horns or written music and my band doesn't have a "leader".

    What's wrong w/ an electric tuner, btw?
     
  14. Gaolee

    Gaolee The Fat Violin Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2010
    Messages:
    2,102
    OK, maybe I should 'fess up:

    Musical offenses

    Playing loudly during warm up -- $10
    Sound-checking amp with funk slapping -- $25
    Playing high and fast after mistake -- $20
    Asking for "E" tuning note -- $25
    Failure to play written walking line -- $75
    Writing note names over ledger-line notes -- $50
    Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
    Dragging fast tempo -- $75
    Blacking out during ballad -- $200
    Ignoring drummer's tempo -- $100

    Upright player offenses

    Showing up before first downbeat -- $25
    Playing audibly -- $25
    Faking changes -- $25
    Slapping -- $150
    Excessive sweating -- $25
    Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune -- $25
    Completely missing a string -- fine TBD

    Electric player offenses

    Missing root at end of blistering fill -- $25
    Playing with a pick -- $50
    Attempting last word on final chord -- $50
    Achieving last word on final chord -- $100
    Long gliss down to final note -- $200
    Getting distracted and forgetting what's going on during a ballad -- fine TBD

    Equipment violations--electric

    Forgetting strap -- $10
    Using electric tuner -- $15
    Setting up mic "just in case" -- $75
    Forgetting to turn amp on -- $40
    Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip -- $50
    Bringing more that one amp larger than one person can carry in one trip -- fine TBD
    Bringing more than 1 bass -- $100 per extra bass
    Bringing fretless bass -- $500

    Criminal bad taste

    Wearing shiny polyester shirt -- fine TBD
    Wearing shiny polyester shirt the second time -- find to be doubled
    Wearing shiny polyester shirt regularly -- removal from polite society

    So there you have the list of transgressions. There are more, but I don't remember them all. It took a long time to achieve this kind of rap sheet. You can all do it if you spend the time and put in the effort. As you can see, the original list of transgressions isn't complete. Good thing I have a day job to pay the fines.
     
  15. friedtransistor

    friedtransistor

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2013
    Messages:
    182
    Location:
    Nebraska USA
    Ooh, damn. $415 every Sunday morning for me, then, plus dismissal.
    Playing above first octave - dismissal
    Using a pick - $50
    Gliss down to final note - $200
    Using electronic tuner - $15
    Practicing - $150

    Gonna get pricy real fast...
     
  16. TheBear

    TheBear

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2008
    Messages:
    140
    Location:
    Austin, TX
    I'm just breaking $900 every two weeks on average.

    I'm somewhat surprised there aren't fines for "playing on any other strings but E" and for "acting like part of the band around fans and groupies".
     

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