Joke time

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by rtslinger, Feb 20, 2013.


  1. rtslinger

    rtslinger

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2006
    Location:
    Belleville,New Jersey USA
    Two prisoners were waiting to be executed. 'Any last requests?' asked the jailer 'Yes' replied one of the prisoners 'I love music, so before I die could you play me 'Mustang Sally' by Wilson Picket', and the second prisoner said 'Kill me first.'
  2. BryanM

    BryanM Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2007
    Location:
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Pascal, Newton and Einstein were playing hide and seek, and Einstein was it. He closed his eyes and started counting and, as he did, Pascal ran off and hid. Newton simply took a piece of chalk out and drew a perfect square around himself. Einstein opened his eyes and, upon noticing Newton shouted "Aha! I've found you, Newton!" To this, Newton pointed to the square and said "No, you've found one Newton per one meter square, you've found Pascal."
  3. Auguste

    Auguste

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2012

    Fantastic

    Guess that makes me a geek
  4. Raymeous

    Raymeous

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2010
    Location:
    San Diego
    I saw this one from somewhere... maybe a signature line or something:

    "Inside every old man is a young boy wondering 'What the heck happened?!'"
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  6. elgecko

    elgecko

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2007
    Location:
    Anasleim, CA
    So a doctor, a lawyer, and a musician die and find themselves outside the Pearly Gates, in line waiting to talk to St. Peter. The doctor is the first up and St. Peter asks why he deserves to get into heaven.

    The doctor replies "well, I worked my way through college and became a doctor. Now I spend two months a year in India providing free health care to the poor".

    St. Peter nods his head approvingly and says "All right, come on in", opening the gates. The lawyer comes up next and St. Peter asks him why he deserves to get into heaven.

    The lawyer replies "Well, I worked my way through college and became a lawyer. Now I do pro bono legal representation for the poor and needy".

    St. Peter nods his head approvingly and says "All right, come on in", opening the gates once more. The musician comes up next and St. Peter asks him why he deserves to get into heaven.

    The musician replies "Well, I never went to college. I've been a musician my whole adult life...but I've made music that helped people to forget their problems, making them happy for a little while".

    St. Peter scratches his chin, points off to the side of the gates and says "Well okay...go in through the kitchen but don't eat anything".

    [​IMG]
  7. rodl2005

    rodl2005

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2005
    Location:
    Tasmania, Australia
    4 guys go on an annual fishing weekend together, but this year, Ron says he can't go, "the Missus wants me here"
    Disappointed, the other 3 go.
    On arriving at their regular spot, they find Ron, already there, set up & making coffee.
    "What happened? We thought u weren't coming." they say.
    Ron replies, "I get home from work last night & there's rose petals all over the floor, candles lit everywhere, & my wife's lying on our bed stark naked. She hands me a set of handcuffs & tells me to chain her to the bed. Then she told me to do anything I like".
  8. eno50

    eno50 Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2009
    Location:
    North of Memphis
    LOL LOL That's a good one!!!!!
  9. MrMeacham

    MrMeacham

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2006
    Did you hear about the cannibals that ate the clown? They thought is tasted funny!
  10. Kmonk

    Kmonk

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2012
    Location:
    South Shore, Massachusetts
    Disclosures:
    Endorsing Artist: Fender and Spector, Ampeg, Curt Mangan Strings
    That's similar to the one I was going to post.

    The other night my wife told me to tie her to the bed and do anything I wanted. So I grabbed some rope and turned on the hockey game.
  11. dreads311

    dreads311

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2011
    Location:
    Philadelphia, PA
    Two cannibals are sitting down to their (human) meal. Cannibal 1 says "I'll start at the left toe, and you start at the right. We'll meet up in the middle." Cannibal 2 agrees.
    After a few minutes, cannibal 1 says,"Boy, is this fun or what!" Cannibal 2 says ,"I know! I'm having a ball!" Cannibal 1 says,"Slow down you're eating too fast!" Wokka wokka.
  12. jchrisk1

    jchrisk1

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Location:
    Northern MI
    A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
    The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
    She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest 'organ'."
  13. Jim Nazium

    Jim Nazium Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2007
    Location:
    Takoma Park, MD (DC)
    Two elderly couples are playing cards. Between games, the two women go into the kitchen. One of the men says to the other, "Boy, we went to the greatest restaurant last Friday. Beautiful atmosphere, fantastic service, and the best steak I've ever had in my life."

    The other guy says "Wow, that sounds great, we'll have to try it. What's the name of it?"

    The first guy looks down, thinks for a minute, scratches his head, and says, "Oh darn it ... what's that flower called, the red one, with the thorns?"

    "Rose?"

    "Yeah, that's it." He turns around and yells, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last Friday?"
  14. MrMeacham

    MrMeacham

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2006
    What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

    About 45 pounds!
  15. plankspanker13

    plankspanker13

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2002
    Location:
    Tempe, Arizona, USA
    ...and the difference between a husband and a boyfriend is 45 minutes.
  16. Flyingfrets

    Flyingfrets

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2011
    Miss Hutchins decides to get her first grade class thinking.

    She tells the students as she begins writing on the blackboard, "Class, the word for today is "DEFINITELY". Can anyone use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"

    Immediately, Dirty Johnny's hand shoots into the air. Miss Hutchins, knowing Johnny's habit of being disruptive calls on Tommy instead, "Tommy, can you use the word "definitely" ina sentence today?"

    Tommy says, "I think so...the sky is "definitely" blue."

    Miss Hutchins is pleased. "Yes Tommy, that's true. The sky is "definitely" blue. Can anyone else use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"

    Again, Dirty Johnny's waving hand rockets into the air. Miss Hutchins, still leery of Johnny's antics, singles out Susie. "Susie, can you use the word "definitely" in a sentence today?"

    Susie think a moment and replies, "the grass is "definitely" green."

    Miss Hutchins proudly announces, "Why yes, Susie, the grass is "definitely" green! Can anyone else use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"

    Barely able to contain himself, Dirty Johnny's trembling arm is waving wildly. Miss Hutchins figures that maybe after a few examples, Johnny understands the excersise, "Alright, Johnny, can you use the word "definitely in a sentence today?"

    Johnny says, "Well...I don't know. Can I ask a question first?"

    Miss Hutchins cheerfully replies, "Certainly Johnny."

    Johnny says, "Do farts have lumps in 'em?"

    Miss Hutchins, flustered says, "Uh...no Johnny, they don't."

    Johnny proudly informs her, "Well, then I have "DEFINITELY" $h!t my pants!"
  17. funkinbottom

    funkinbottom Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2006
    Location:
    Northern CA.
    What's the difference between a prostitute, you girl friend and your wife?

    A prostitute says "Faster, faster" your girl friend says" Slower, slower" your wife says "
    beige, paint the ceiling beige"
  18. jbassmaniac

    jbassmaniac REPRESENTING THE LOW END TO NO END!

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2009
    Location:
    Kansas City, KS
    Did hear about the agnostic, dyslexic , insomniac?

    He can't get any sleep because he stays up nights wondering if there is really a dog!
  19. Johnny DeVille

    Johnny DeVille

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2012
    How many guitards does it take to change the tunes in a Tweed Fender Deluxe ?

    12

    1 to change the tubes and 11 to talk about what great tone the old ones made
  20. two fingers

    two fingers Loud Mouth Know It All Blowhard Gold Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2005
    What do philosophers and drummers have in common?
    Time is abstract.

    What's the difference between a guitar player and God?
    God doesn't think he's a guitar player.

    Kid says to his Mom "I wanna be a musician when I grow up." Mom says "You can't have it both ways."



    What did the guitar player get on his I.Q. test?
    Drool.

    What do you call a really hot girl on a drummer's arm?
    A tatoo.

    What's the dynamic range of a guitar player?
    On or off.

    What do guitars at an open mic night and lawsuits have in common?
    Everybody is grateful when the case is finally closed.

    How many guitar players does it take to pave a driveway?
    About a dozen if you space them out correctly.

    How are guitar players fingers a lot like lightening?
    They rarely strike the same spot twice.

    What is a relative minor?
    A band leader's girlfriend.

    How do you know if the lead singer is at the front door?
    He can never find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

    What's the only way to get a guitar player to play quietly?
    Put sheet music in front of him.

    What's the perfect weight for a band leader?
    About 4 pounds if you include the urn.

    What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
    His amp.

    How do you get a metal guitar player off your porch?
    Pay him for the pizza.

    A father got his kid some bass lessons. After the first lesson the father asked the son "What did you learn today?" Son say "I learned about the E string." After the next lesson he asked the son "How'd it go today?" Kid says "Today I learned all about the A string." On the day of the third lesson Dad asked the kid "How was your lesson today, son?" Son says "Oh I already quit lessons cuz I got a gig."
  21. wabbit

    wabbit

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2003
    Location:
    Toronto, Ontario, Canada eh?
    Q: What do a trombone player and a baseball have in common?
    A: Everyone cheers when you hit them with a bat.

    Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
    A: It saves time in the long run.

    Q: What is another term for trombone?
    A: A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

    Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
    A: Both command immediate attention, alarm and force everyone to move out of range.

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