By definition, I'm an alcoholic. I drink, and continue to drink until satisfied, which increases more and more. I quit for 6 months back in 2012, but started drinking again early 2013. I had just 1 or 2 to start with, but gradually worked my way up to a 12 pack in a session once again. I'm 34, and I'm ready to get out of the game for good. Mentally, I'm under the misconception that alcohol makes me fun(er), more creative and motivated. Yet, when I drink(and smoke pot), I lose motivation and become a blob that just sits content doing nothing at all. Literally, a blob I may add, as when I quit drinking and changed nothing else I lost 30 lbs. Its all back now. I need to overcome my mind, and realize that numbing myself isn't the answer, and that things can be fun without getting buzzed. Yesterday was my first day back on the wagon. What is going to be the thing that keeps me sober? Desire? Regret? When the guilt wears off and relationships are repaired will I forget where I've been, and go back to destruction? . It all feels like a silly game to me. Why can't I drink like "normal" people? What's the hunger for pot and beer there for?