Relationship stuff. Kind of.

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Kwesi, Jan 20, 2014.


  1. Kwesi

    Kwesi Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2007
    Location:
    USA; Mitchellville, Maryland
    I feel like I know what the answer to this is but I need it to be reinforced like 1000 fold because I've never been in a situation like this before and I can't seem to get it all through my head.

    So I've been sleeping with this girl for a while. She's cool but I said up front I wasn't looking for a gf. Now, I don't know for sure but it feels like she's caught feelings or something and I'm really uncomfortable with that. She says I don't come over enough or talk to her enough but I don't really visit even my BEST friends all that often... or call... or text. Basically, I'm a pretty bad friend when it comes to communication (I'm working on that). I don't dislike her at all but I don't like this any more and outside of hooking up and the occasional conversation I don't think I'd really want to hang out. Like, the only friends I'm really interested in making at this point are people that I'm really cool with in the various online communities I'm a part of. Outside of that, I'm happy with the company I keep and more people would be kind of... "unwelcome" sounds kinda harsh but it's the only word that comes to mind.

    Like, I know what I need to do, I guess, but it's stressful even being in this situation. There really is no nice way to say "I don't really want to be around you any more but I don't hate you or anything like that." I guess this is more of a vent post than anything else. She also happens to be in the places I'd otherwsie vent to lol (Tumblr, Facebook).
  2. Tony Flow MMMM

    Tony Flow MMMM Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2012
    Calling all the guys who are going to side with you because having a **** buddy is normal and she's in the wrong.

    But I'll be the first to say. Uh, this is what sex is for, it builds emotions to further strength a relationship and draw two people even closer together. So either keep partners random or expect this to happen. We weren't programmed to do otherwise.
  3. knumbskull

    knumbskull

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2007
    Location:
    UK
    End it, now. :)

    If you let it carry on, she'll only get more hurt. Having The Talk won't be fun for either of you but it'll be MUCH better in the long run. Also if you let it run on, it could be interpreted that you're using her feelings for sex. And from your post, that doesn't sound like your intention...

    (Stating the obvious etc, but you did ask ;) ... good luck!)
  4. kohntarkosz

    kohntarkosz

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2013
    Location:
    Edinburgh - Scotland
    +1

    OP, You are repeatedly experiencing one of the most fun things you can do as an adult, and sharing that experience with another person, and you don't expect something like this to happen?

    When I was in college it was seen as a badge of honour that Alpha cool-dude guys could abstain from becoming attached to the girls they were sleeping with. I saw the awkward 'instant girlfriend' fallout a heck of a lot more than two friends who could maintain a mutual emotional impasse after they had done the dirty more than half a dozen times... nothing more uncomfortable than being around a "couple" who built their relationship in reverse.
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  6. drummer5359

    drummer5359 Gold Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2011
    Location:
    Pittsburgh PA USA
    Friends with benefits can't work if you are not friends.

    Yeah, this will end poorly. Good luck Kwesi as she likely will not be amused.
  7. Hobobob

    Hobobob Don't feed the troll, folks. Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Location:
    Camarillo, CA
    Gotta tell her straight up that you don't feel the same way, and that it would be best to go your separate ways now before it gets any deeper. Yes, she'll probably get mad. Yes, she'll probably call you names. Even though you told her in the beginning what was going to happen, sometimes people just can't help feelings. Rip the band-aid off now while you still can. Good luck!
  8. JennySuzuki

    JennySuzuki

    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2013
    Relationships... even if they're just ****buddy relationships... are based on mutual communication and trust. If I can't trust you, I'm damn sure not letting you into my body!

    So stop looking at the loss of the sex, and start looking at being the responsible person she can trust. Either let her know that it's not happening anymore, or work on building a tighter friendship and better trust... which starts by talking about feelings. What's she feeling? What're you feeling? What does she want? What do you want? If they align, great. If they don't... wave off, paddles. Wave off.
  9. i_got_a_mohawk

    i_got_a_mohawk

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2005
    Location:
    Edinburgh & Dundee, Scotland
    I don't know if I'd say we aren't programmed for it, monogamy is more of a cultural thing.

    However, it does sound like she's wanting more than just to be the "benefits", maybe she wanted more than that for a start and thought it would work to get closer. Either way, I have to agree with the others here, it's time to call it. You no longer want the same thing and carrying on it just going to end up hurting her and annoying you. Onwards and upwards young Kwesi.
  10. Jim Nazium

    Jim Nazium Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2007
    Location:
    Takoma Park, MD (DC)
    We cannot recommend a course of action until you post a picture.
  11. Tony Flow MMMM

    Tony Flow MMMM Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2012

    I used to believe that until I realized it's a human trait, have a kid in a relationship that is non monogamist. Get back to me on how it goes. Were wired a way for a reason
  12. i_got_a_mohawk

    i_got_a_mohawk

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2005
    Location:
    Edinburgh & Dundee, Scotland
    Not planning on that (or having any children in the foreseeable future for that matter), but children are born into non-monogamist families in many parts of the world and have been for centuries.

    While I don't know anyone who grew up in a polygamist family (as said, it's culturally a no-no in historically Christian countries) I do know people who grew up without the standard monogamous family unit (single parent households) and have been perfectly fine.
  13. Jazz Ad

    Jazz Ad Mi la ré sol Gold Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2002
    Location:
    Reims, Champagne, France
    It is pretty easy to do really, just tell her that you enjoy the tango very much, however you can feel her getting attached but have nothing to offer in this part, so it's better to stop.
    A convenient place to get laid is fun to have and hard to let go but don't turn it into taking advantage of her. Do the right thing, don't hurt good girls.

    Attachment isn't exclusive by the way, there are strong bonds in polygamy as well.
  14. BBox Bass

    BBox Bass Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2011
    Location:
    NW Pennsylvania
    Female perspective here: OP, if you want a FWB, go find a woman who's on the same page as you. Contrary to what some folks believe, we do exist and aren't all looking to drag men into long-term relationships the day after we hook up. I agree with the posters who suggest that cultural conditioning can explain why plenty of women think this way. From day one, we get it drilled into our heads that we must find our prince and if we don't, we're doomed to live alone with a houseful of cats while we lament never having found The One.

    Anyway, if you're sure you don't want more out of the relationship, tell her ASAP so she can resume her search for a partner who does.
  15. Skeeter1

    Skeeter1

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2012
    In general men need sex to be emotionally in tune with a partner, women need to be emotionally in tune with their partner to desire sex. "And the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round."

    Both men and women can have sex without emotional ties but chances are the more the two do it together, some one is going to crack and our "hard wiring" as described above comes into play.
  16. Ironbar

    Ironbar

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2013
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    I agree with Tony. Sex isn't something to be used as a tool. And from the tone & timbre of your post, I'd say you're being kind of a tool.
  17. Milk

    Milk Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2013
    Location:
    Montreal, Canada

    Yeah.....like the one in your pic.....



    (just kidding, i love cats, i have two and my gf has 4...so obvs i ended up with a "crazy cat woman")
  18. BBox Bass

    BBox Bass Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2011
    Location:
    NW Pennsylvania
    Yes, I am a crazy cat lady. The critter in my avatar has an affinity for instruments and speaker cabinets, so we're perfect for each other. I like my space and have zero interest in long-term relationships. It's all good as far as I'm concerned.


  19. DwaynieAD

    DwaynieAD

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2010
    Location:
    Mechanicsburg, PA
    Somebody always catches feelings. To think otherwise is naive. Just be straight up.
  20. jmattbassplaya

    jmattbassplaya

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2008
    Location:
    Just south of Atlanta!
    Yeah... definitely don't tell it to her like that lol.

    The best way to approach this, in my mind, is to sit her down and talk things through. Mention that you've noticed her being more interested in doing more relationship type stuff and that you have no intentions on going down that path. She'll either realize that you aren't looking for more than that or, if she wasn't looking to take things down the serious path, she'll realize that you're not the kind of person who keeps friends super close. Regardless, you need to do this sooner than later. The longer you string it along the harder it'll be on her, and the harder she'll likely be on you. And we don't want that :p
  21. Tat2dHeart

    Tat2dHeart Only two strings away from an attitude problem. Gold Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2010
    Location:
    Not so far from Atlanta, GA
    Ahh, Kwesi, it's time to have a difficult talk. Although you said it at the beginning, you do need to repeat it. A lot of women get those kind of feelings. A lot don't. Sounds like you got one who might have, and if that's the case, then you just need to have a sit-down and tell her that it's done. It won't be fun or pleasant, that's almost a guarantee, but it is necessary. Expect tears and expect to get yelled at, but when it's done you will at least be able to walk away with your head held high knowing you weren't the kind of db who just fades into the background and can't even say hello when you bump into her in a public place.

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