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100 rules of Black Metal (hahaha i wont post em all)

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Stupidnick, Oct 22, 2002.

  1. Stupidnick


    Mar 22, 2002
    ...my room...
    I found this on the web... along time ago and though it would be fun to post... so people could have a good laugh..

    this is my favorite one.. haha

    When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".

    --- 101 RULES OF BLACK METAL ---

    1. Don't be gay.

    2. Be "true".

    3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.

    4. Be grim.

    5. Be necro.

    6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.

    7. Break things while being grim and necro.

    8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.

    9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.

    10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...

    11. ...Listen to Peccatum.

    12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.

    13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".

    14. Don't be Dani Filth.

    15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."

    16. Don't be Dani Filth.

    17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.

    18. Don´t pronounce words that silly as Attila did on Mayhem´s "De Mysterriis..." (Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeerrrrrrrrraaaaal Fog)

    19. Sodomize a virgin whore.

    20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)

    21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.

    22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"

    23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.

    24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.

    25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..

    26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.

    27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.

    28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than

    15 adjectives in the title.

    29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.

    30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).

    31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.

    32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.

    33. Don't make jokes.

    34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.

    35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.

    36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".

    37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.

    38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.

    39. Never play live.


    Thats the site i got it from.. pretty damn funny id say.. specially if you know about the underground metal scene.. i scarcly know about black metal much.. but i know what the stereotypical.. im gonna kill you.. worship satan bM'er is like.. ive been around them...and not all but alot are like that..
    some black/death metal is good though *cough*opeth*cough* but thats about the only thing i can stand..
    Atshen likes this.
  2. Dave Castelo

    Dave Castelo

    Apr 19, 2000
    Im posting on a nick curley comedy thread!!
  3. Other rules:

    Dont wear face paint unless you're Immortal
    Dont stomp on someone else's mountain or roam through their forest.
    Spikes must be of a 9 inch minimum length
    Guitars must have just as many spikes as arm bands.

    Ya see its crucial in black metal to have your own mountain and forest.



    I'm in a death metal band... not a black metal band lol
  4. Stupidnick


    Mar 22, 2002
    ...my room...
    yeah merls.. sweet stuff man =D
    oh yes.. lol
    opeth is great though ..they are one of my favorite bands as of right now.. ive been listening to blackwater park alot.. great stuff =D
  5. pmkelly

    pmkelly Supporting Member

    Nov 28, 2000
    Kansas City, MO
    that's some pretty funny stuff!

  6. I have a rule number 102;

    Don't make lists about black metal in english.

  7. thrash_jazz


    Jan 11, 2002
    Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
    Artist: JAF Basses, Circle K Strings
    My favourite:

    - Your album cover must only come in three colours: white, black and grey. It must also be in an unreadable font.
  8. john turner

    john turner You don't want to do that. Trust me. Staff Member

    Mar 14, 2000
    atlanta ga
    jeeze, complicated. and here i thought the only requirements were that black metal was the wicked witch vocals and death metal had the cookie monster vocals.

    what i want to know is when is someone going to sing with bullwinkle vocals. they could call it brown metal.
  9. LiquidMidnight


    Dec 25, 2000
    The funny part is to go to www.mourningtheancient.com and read some of the interviews. A lot of those people prove the stereotypes Nick posted, true.

    Or should I say tr00 :D

    I never really liked Black Metal, expect Moonspell, but I guess they are more like Doom metal.
  10. Stupidnick


    Mar 22, 2002
    ...my room...
    Tears of greif interview...
    i cant read it hardly.. cause the 3 colors on the website are black,red and grey

    What about Satanism/Paganism? What is your belief?

    Tears of Grief believe in darkness and metal. We drink our beer and worship darkness in all its beauty and listen to t.o.g. Some of the other members in the band are more familiar with paganism. Satanism has been getting a bad reputation because of f---ing 12 or 13-year olds (mini-blackers) who think they are Satanist worshippers just by the colour of their hair black and wear special T-shirts, jewelry like pentagrams and so on. They try so hard to be evil by listening to Marilyn ****ing Manson then after two months they listen to the same pop-s--t like the rest and change style. People have to be real to get some respect from Tears of Grief.
    i dunno about them.. but i sure dont have respect for Tears of Grief...

    oh yeah hahahaha

    "The following interview is done with Dark... "

    and this

    "A lot of the music scene is saturated in anti-Christian feelings... you yourself use inverted crosses and other symbolism. Does this reflect a belief in Satanism or...?
    What are your feelings toward Christianity? How about Paganism?
    I was not brought up in a religious household. My father is a complete atheist. I think early in my life I realized that Christianity and most of these organized religions are a form of population control for the weak. I am definitely anti-religious whether it's Christianity (any form), Jewish, Muslim, whatever.. Darkness is my future.. "

    yeah.. id say.. um darkness is his future...
    ....man..closeminded F**ks.. i think its kinda funny how they "hate organized religion" but.. they worship satan and darkness.. yeah thats organized... stupid bastards..... uhhh...
    ... im not turning this into a religious thread though..
  11. I'm bumping this thread so Yngwie 4string could see it.
  12. middy


    Mar 14, 2007
    More than 5 years later, and still no brown metal. :confused:
  13. Lies!

  14. mjolnir

    mjolnir Thor's Hammer 2.1.3beta

    Jun 15, 2006
    Houston, TX
    Holy shnykies, I didn't realize at all this thread was that old! Good stuff though.
  15. I was hip to it until #35, damn, I was sooooo close....
  16. middy


    Mar 14, 2007
    You're supposed to eat real chicks. The bones make them crunchy.
  17. JoshD


    Nov 9, 2006
    San Diego, CA
    Gotta agree with the Dani stuff. Blah, I hate Cradle.:ninja:
  18. Matt Till

    Matt Till

    Jun 1, 2002
    Edinboro, PA

  19. LMAO!

    Matt, I don't know why, but that made me nearly spit out my lemon head. :D

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