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13-year-old PITA daughter

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Jeff Martinez, Aug 29, 2007.


  1. Jeff Martinez

    Jeff Martinez

    May 10, 2005
    Denver, CO
    For those of you who have survived the brutal task of parenting a teenage dauhter... how did you do it?????

    Mine has decided that it's ok to post on her myspace about wanting to have sex with "hott guys". That prompted me to shut down her page. She then decided that she doesn't need to listen to anyone, and told her step-dad (she lives with her mother and step-dad) that she wishes he was dead. Then felt is appropriate to tell her mother "**** you, I can do what I want" yesterday. She is spending this coming weekend with me (and my fiancee and our 11-month-old). Any suggestions on how I can get through her thick skull and get her to knock off this craziness???
     
  2. peaveyuser

    peaveyuser Banned

    Oct 18, 2006
    Montreal,Canada
    hmmm well as a fellow teen, IMO maybe talk to her politely straight forward don't yell or raise your voice, talk to her like an adult. I find this works best when I want to have a serious conversation with my parents. I admit it I'm no angel (but then again my parents are like children too sometimes) and I have said some regretful things to them :rollno: but that is only when the stress really builds up, if you keep the conversation at a mature level then chances of disrespectful things blurted out will be lower and you will have more progress getting through to your daughter.
     
  3. Spank her or beat her up.
     
  4. Baryonyx

    Baryonyx Banned

    Jul 11, 2005
    Marathon Man
    A slap in the face and a word about respect for herself and others.
     
  5. bluestarbass

    bluestarbass

    Jul 31, 2007
    Indianapolis
    Put her in a mental hospital till age 18. Given her present state of mind it probably wouldnt be that hard to convince someone she was crazy. They will take good care of her and you will have her back when she is normal again.
     
  6. louieeadg

    louieeadg uncle petey?

    Jun 13, 2007
    outer banks, nc
    I don't even want to talk about the myspace thing...that's a whole universe of problem within itself, even though it can be a good thing...but anyhow...

    No, I'm not a dad...but I'm a very observant and understanding person...so here I go:

    Ahhh, the teenage years. I once asked my dad how he dealt with my brother and myself(4 year difference)because as he was growing out of the typical teenage stage, I was growing into it...He said he never stopped loving us, but there were a few times he wondered who the hell we were, which is a valid question because at that age its hard to really know who you are...mentally, the best thing to do is try your hardest to see where she's coming from and why she does/says something.

    As far as discipline goes...humilty is a great one for that age. My dad is/was the head of a Martial Art organization so we grew up with a lot of discipline at an early age. Plus, he was a classic 'Southern Gentleman' so even raising our voices at our mother was...well...hm....never going to go over well, so to speak. But what he'd do when we started acting like buts, esp. in public, he'd tell us to "drop and give me 20"...in the middle of restaurants, malls, baseball fields, church, wherever...humility. Its good exercise...works off a little steam, teaches a little humility, and lets you think about what you just did while servers walk over you since you're doing push-ups in the middle of an isle.

    I don't know about push-ups but something...my parents were always constructive with us...instead of grounding and 'being sent to the room', they, or someone else got something out of it...For instance, my brother and myself have cut the grass, hedges, & trimming for EVERY single house on our block atleast twice...we've also washed everybody's car a couple times too. We'd walk with my dad to a house that needed the grass cut, then we'd have to tell the person what we did...then ask if they would like their yard mowed and/or car washed...pretty much did whatever they needed done.

    I don't know, just throwing some stories out if you want to get some ideas...good luck with the teenager though, just remember how cute and adorable she was at age 2....
     
  7. Ground her, quickly followed by an adult convo. No offense, but she's moving WAY too fast for her age.
     
  8. Baryonyx

    Baryonyx Banned

    Jul 11, 2005
    Marathon Man
    I think you did the right thing shutting down her myspace page. That can be the start of a very dark route, with young men who really should know better preying on young girls. For her dignity and safety, you've done the right thing. When she can be trusted to respect herself and handle a myspace page (ie when she grows up), let her have one.
     
  9. pointbass

    pointbass Jersey to Georgia Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Nov 4, 2004
    Acworth, GA
    Endorsing Artist: FBB Bass Works
    There is a tremendous amount of "boundary-pushing" by early teens, sort of trying to see what they can get away with. Occasionally it goes over the edge, which seems (on the surface) to be the problem you have right now.

    We were firm with our kids at that age. Not mean, not severly strict, but firm. Cursing, bad-mouthing, talking back, anything like that lead directly to a bigger problem for the kids than the issue they were b*tching about in the first place. For example, if there was a TV show that they wanted to see and we had something else on the tube, any back-talking directly resulted in no TV at all for a day or two. And any noise about the 1-2 day TV blackout resulted in a 1-2 week TV void, and so on and so on.

    We never backed down, ever. Come home after the curfew, no going out for a day or two. B*tch about that, it becomes a week. Or if they didn't get their homework done, they stayed home all weekend. Any complaining, they stayed home for two weeks. No matter what the issue was, we held our ground. It took about a year, but by the time they hit their mid-teens most of those problems were over.

    Of course, this was back in the early-mid '80's and life was easier to enforce at that time. I wouldn't want to be a parent of teenagers in todays world ..... :rolleyes:
     
  10. disenchant

    disenchant You can't plagiarize yourself.

    Aug 9, 2006
    Elgin, IL
    Find out what's really bothering her. All the crap she's pulling is just a symptom of what's really bothering her.

    From working with teens and having been one myself I know that bad behavior always goes back to some issue…and sometimes they’re really STUPID problems! She could be really upset that some guy doesn’t like her or is dating her best friend. And she feels out of control so she is attempting to exert control where she can and any way she can. OR maybe she’s upset about a class she’s taking and she’s falling behind. Or maybe she’s being picked on by some mean girls. OR maybe she just feels awkward and ugly. Teen girls have a lovely way of making others teen girls feel awkward and ugly. Plus all the “perfect” images in the media of skinny, big-breasted teens. How can any girl live up to that?

    As angry as you are, I think this situation calls for understanding. When you see her, sit her down and say “I noticed you haven’t been acting like yourself lately” (don’t accuse her of anything or she’ll go into defensive mode) “What’s really bothering you?”

    Be prepared to ask that question quite a few times and make sure you spot the BS. She might say at first “You and Mom are so controlling!” which isn’t the REAL issue. You could then say “I understand that you feel that way. What else is bothering you?” Make sure you acknowledge her answer and not judge it or get defensive yourself. The goal is to get the real answer, not shoot down whatever she is saying no matter how untrue it is. If you shoot down her answer by a “no we’re not!” she will clam up or start an argument and you’ll be back where you started.

    Eventually you’ll get the real answer under a bunch of layers. You’ll know when you get it because you’ll probably get tears of relief from her.

    Good luck. Teen years are hard on everyone!
     
  11. Yvon

    Yvon Supporting Member

    Nov 2, 2000
    Montreal, Canada
    Rent a summer house for the week end, spend time with her.
    No phone, no computer. Just nature and fishing!
    She might not like it much but that will keep her out of trouble for the weekend.

    Bring her to the worst places downtown, and show her what happened if she take drugs and don't go to school (worked with my 2 daughters).
     
  12. Phalex

    Phalex Semper Gumby Supporting Member

    Oct 3, 2006
    G.R. MI
    Call Caeser Millan. Tsk! Tsk!
     
  13. EricF

    EricF Habitual User

    Sep 26, 2005
    Pasadena, CA
    I fear the future :(

    -EricF
    Father of 9- and 3-year-old daughters
     
  14. Baryonyx

    Baryonyx Banned

    Jul 11, 2005
    Marathon Man
    I don't know, throughout my early teenage years, despite being perfectly happy I was as mischeivous and ill behaved as they came. In fact, the only time I was ever unhappy was when I was getting wrong for something I thought I should have gotten away with!

    Pointbass makes a pretty good point about standing firm. Asking about her "problems" just makes her think you're paying more attention to her than usual, so the bad behaviour will continue. So what, she might have problems, she'll learn to deal with them without upsetting other people, an important lesson to learn in life.

    Let me quote some of Maddox's alphabet of Manliness...

     

  15. ^ What she said.
     
  16. [​IMG]
     

  17. I know you're not serious, but if that scenario DID arise, she'd prolly come out more effed up than going in, what with orderies prolly raping her or other abuse (you think that doesn't happen? come on, they're caregivers!) But this suggestion lies at the heart of what is wrong with alot of parents: either too hands off, or too self absorbed...let someone else fix her, and then give her back to me....you know?

    The only thing I find troubling is regardless of incidents, you are referring to her as a PITA. That's not good going in.

    But serious-like, I can sympathize. My daughter turns 13 in 20 days. I am bracing for the inevitable, but admit my kid has a good head on her shoulders. Not saying yours doesn't but it really does seem like something is bothering her, and she hasn't an outlet to alleviate the problem, so lashing out is her alternative. At this time you're really not gonna be her go-to person for these issues...you're old, you're a man, and you're her parent. It's kinda tough, but girls usually rule out the Dad and turn to the Mom for problems, but since she's turning ON her Mom, the problem could very well be at home...

    At the very least talk to her. At the adult level, so she will be less inclined to lash back...it'll make her feel you respect her enough to let her weigh in her thoughts, instead of you trying to analyze and come off like you've got her all figured out...

    Man, this is a tough one, I wish you the very best of luck...just be there for her. Listen to her. Help. You did the right thing knocking down her MySpace. I have a niece who is 16 who has posted pictures of herself in bras, and I have had to talk to the 'rents about it....not good at all.
    They DO grow up too fast.

    Mon
     
  18. mjolnir

    mjolnir Thor's Hammer 2.1.3beta

    Jun 15, 2006
    Houston, TX
    Sometimes it's the little things that set the chilluns over the edge... Someone screaming about taking control from their parents usually feels they have none at all. Things like running their own errands, getting their own prescriptions, etc. etc.

    There are so many things that can go so much smoother with a problem-teen if you just let some things be their decision.
     
  19. zac2944

    zac2944

    Dec 28, 2004
    Rochester, NY
    Wow. That's just fantastic parenting. I have to remember that for when i have kids.
     
  20. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    I'll have to go ahead and agree with disenchant. You need to get to the source of the anger and cries for attention. Dealing with the symptoms will get you absolutely no where. If you go off and get all loud and dramatic, she will have accomplished her goal. These actions of hers are intended to get some kind of reaction from the adults controlling her life.

    You must remain calm and reaffirm to her the acceptable behaviours in your home. Remind her of what you expect from her as well. Despite what they say, teenagers want clearly outlined boundaries that allow them to be successful in staying within them while being somewhat independent. Listen to and respect her thoughts, not dismissing them if they are not equal to yours. We must "mold" our children into adults like a potter molds a lump of clay into a beautiful vase. We can not force them into behaviors we want. She needs to feel like she is being heard, and that she is important. Whatever solutions come up, make sure she has helped come to those conclusions and her role in being successful is essential and important.

    If it were me, I would only discipline her for the things she has done wrong involving you in your home. No sense to start disciplining her for things going on in the other house. I went through this with my kids. I did not discipline them for things that went on at their dads house.

    Best wishes to you my friend. Be patient, you won't fix all of this in one weekend.

    -Mike
     

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