1st song on you tube

Discussion in 'Recordings [BG]' started by djjackherer, May 22, 2012.

  1. djjackherer


    Mar 11, 2012
    I every one, I have my 1st song on YouTube not on my bass but on my acoustic, search wrong John maidenhead, it's not the best recording as done on my phone but it's a start, honest opinions on my writing would be nice though if you can spare 5 minutes

  2. Zoomie

    Zoomie Supporting Member

    Jan 26, 2012
    East Tennessee
    How about a link. I looked for 5 minutes and couldn't find it. I did learn that there is a soccer player for Manchester United and a personal trainer with the same name. Oh and some song writers named Flemming & John.
  3. djjackherer


    Mar 11, 2012
    Link gone as starting again !!
  4. Adam Barkley

    Adam Barkley Mayday!

    Aug 26, 2003
    Jackson, MS
    The rhythm could use some variation. Granted its a webcam or something, but I think some of the singing would be improved by projecting a little more.

    For a simple, first song it is what it is. A starting point.
  5. djjackherer


    Mar 11, 2012
    Thanks, it was recorded on my iphone as that is the only recording device I have, i know my singing voice is not great and my playing could do with some improvement but its about the lyrics and seeing if I can actually write and seeing what people think of it

    Your comments have been taken on board though and I will be back to the drawing board to see how I can improve it.

  6. Nev375


    Nov 2, 2010
    A few things:

    One: The rhythm is rather strong and repetitive and your opening lyrics seem rather repetitive as well. Either one on their own is not a bad thing at all, but together it gets annoying quick.

    Two: The tone of the guitar seems to be masking a lot of frequencies in your voice range making it very difficult to know what you are saying. Perhaps a different style of picking... more softer and arpeggiated?

    Three: Since I'm not sure about what you were saying, all I caught was a list of unpleasant things about maidenhead. You're writing comedy, but I missed the punchline completely. What was the joke? Is there some irony or satire that I'm not picking up on?

    No offense is intended here, really hoping my criticism is taken constructively and helps you in some way. Good luck.
  7. Where's the bass?
  8. djjackherer


    Mar 11, 2012
    Your comments are appriciated, the phone does mash some of the frquencies, the jist is that the town where I live has changed for the worst like a lot of places in the recession and has gone down hill, crime rates have risen and basically im waiting for a change for the better, i suppose the comedy is the irony.
    Im not the best player in the world hence repetetive rhythm
  9. djjackherer


    Mar 11, 2012
    so is the general thought to take it off and start again ???
  10. Zoomie

    Zoomie Supporting Member

    Jan 26, 2012
    East Tennessee
    If you really want a heart-felt critique and some things to think about, here you go. To be clear, I am likely the LEAST talented person on all of TB. Crappy songwriter, crappy no talent hack bass player. That said, I do spend a lot of time thinking about writing.

    So, from a consumer perspective and a frustrated writing perspective, here's my 10 cents. I apologize for being horribly long winded. Oh and feel free to give me the finger. :D

    1) I never could get a feel for the groove. I understood the whole ska feel on the up strum but never could get comfortable with the groove. It needs to be more clearly defined.

    2) You need some breaks, chorus, a bridge, something to break up the repetition. You need a hook of some kind to generate a feeling of familiarity with the listener.

    3) While you're telling a story, and the story of the song is very clear, the song tends to drone on.

    If you are Hades-bent on sticking with this song, I would keep the concept and start from scratch.

    Different people write in diffferent ways. Some build the song concept, then go back and make the lyrics work. Other's start with lyrics and try to build the song from there. Once roughed out, you can go back and adjust.

    While the lyrics do tell a story, they don't make me feel anything. Yes, the town is falling apart, buildings crumbling, bad water. A story that can be told for so many generic towns everywhere. So what makes your town any different than any other town?

    Great songs are great songs because they speak to us emotionally. It may be because the melody speaks to us. It may be because of the hook. Maybe it's the groove. To me, the very best are because the lyrics can be indentified with from an emotional perspective.

    Getting back to your song. I understood the lyrics and the overall theme of the song. It didn't make me feel anything. Your lyrics make feel as if you are reporting a story for the news. Further, as a writer you seem to be mildly irritated at best. You want to connect with people and have them connect with you.

    If you're really serious about songwriting, and you want to write about something sad, you are going to have to really dig to find a way to share your hurt or your pain. This means two things that can be very difficult to do. You need to go to very dark place within yourself and you need to open up and share that with listeners. Easy to say but it's very difficult for most people to really hang it out there.

    Let me pick an example. The saddest song that I have ever heard is She Talks To Angels by the Black Crows. A phenominal song to me from so many perspectives. The song says so much and paints a picture with so few words. I identify with the deep sadness in spite of having no real world experience with someone close to me on a self destruct mission.

    On the surface, it's a song about a female drug addict. We all know that drug addiction is a huge problem. So what makes this song special? Why do I as a listener connect with the writer?

    1st Verse

    She never mentions the word addiction
    In certain company
    Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan
    After you meet her family

    In 21 words, I am butt-deep in the story. here's what the story says to me:

    Addict. Either embarassed or in denial about what's really going on with her.

    So F'd up that she can't even keep her stories straight. Telling people that you're an orphan when you aren't speaks worlds about how far from reality this woman resides.

    2nd verse

    She paints her eyes as black as night now
    She pulls those shades down tight
    She gives a smile when the pain comes
    The pain gonna' make everything alright

    OK, 29 words. Personally the first line of the song is filler to me. I guess the writer could be saying that she is masking dark cirles under her eyes or hiding the clear signs of addiction.

    As for the rest of the verse. Wow ! Hiding in her house to hide.......escape. Alone by choice or as a result from her being an addict. She is so miserable in life that she is willing to tolerate the pain of a needle (?) or sickness to get high just to escape her sadness, grief,and misery ? Makes me want to cut my wrist and it's just a song !

    So why is this lady so screwed up ?

    3rd verse

    She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
    She wears a cross around her neck
    Yes the hair is from a little boy
    And the cross from someone she has not met
    Not yet

    Again. Wow. She is carrying around a lock of a childs hair. Songwriters lead me to belive that it was likely a child that she lost. I don't even have kids and this tears me up.

    Second part of the verse hints that she wears the cross as a the briefest glimmer of clinging hope. It also says that she is well on her way to killing herself. The 'not yet' comment after the wordplay about the cross is brilliant. Two single words brought together to support the story and again say so much.


    Says she talks to angels
    They call her out by her name
    Oh yeah, she talks to angels
    Says they call her out by her name

    So the overall feel is that this lady feels as if she is being called by Angels. She is so miserable in life due to the loss of her child that she is considering death as both an escape as well as, reuniting with her lost child?


    She don't know no lovers
    None that I've ever seen
    And to her that means nothing
    But to me it means, means everything

    OK. So the songwriter is telling me the saddest thing about the situation is that she doesn't even have anyone close to her to share her pain and suffering with. Self imposed emotional exile and no one to even try and help her. Hang on. I need to drink the purple kool aid now. After listening to this song, I could give a crap about my life at this point.

    I have no idea what the background is behind this song. In spite of my cynicism, I can't imagine that the songwriters made this up. One of these guys knew this person and the experience profoundly affected them. The songwriters shared their feelings about the experience more than the story itself.

    Let me go to the opposite end of the spectrum now. Katie Perry. I don't like her. Don't listen to her music. Not a big fan of bubble gum pop. Other than being forced to sit through a song while in someone's car, I am unfamiliar with her work. Still, she is stacking up money like cord wood, so there is clearly something there.

    The one song I know is "I Kissed a Girl" or something along those lines.


    I kissed a girl and I liked it

    OK, so big deal. Yes, I kiss girls too. Have all of my life. Can't remember ever kissing a girl and not liking it acutally. I would still be kissing lots of girls if it weren't for my lovely wife. And sice we're on the topic, I still enjoy smooching on Mrs. Zoomie!

    Second Line

    The taste of her Cherry Chapstick

    Bingo ! Lori Reihl in 7th grade laid a lip lock on me that rocked my world and made me weak in the knees. Now that I think about it, I actually embraced general grooming habits about this time. She had Bubble Gum lip gloss on. Every time I smell bubble gum it takes me back to when I was a young pup.

    So again, even Katty Perry, or whomever writes for her, connected with me in a single line.

    Rage Against the Machine's Killing In The Name Of

    Frankly I am not angry at The Man, The Government, Life, or anyone really. I am a pretty happy guy in life. Yet..........



    Now that strikes a primal emotional cord and connection with me.

    Suicidal Tendancies - Institutionalized



    Again speaks to my soul about being pushed off of the deep end and just flat losing it over something ridiculous.

    Now don't get me wrong. We love great songs for different reasons. One of the greatest rock songs ever written is Mississippi Queen. The lyrics are not particulalry noteworthy. But the chord structure of that song just rocks to me.

    I can't quote a single line of any Madonna Song. To me most of her success is driven from her video imagery. Most of today's popular music seems to ride the coat tails of imagery.

    Try this. You'll be amazed what you learn. Write down twenty of your favorite songs. Then pick them apart to see what you connect with. Is it the lyrics ? The groove? The talent of a particular musician? The passion and emotion in the singer's delivery? If you dig around enough you'll find a common theme. That is where you should begin when trying to write.

    I was reading a post by Anthony Wellington. A brilliant bass player, musician and teacher that hangs out on this board. I can only paraphrase but he basically said he believes that every person has at least one great song, one great book, and one great movie in them. I agree ! You just need to find yours, and then find a way to share it with others so that they connect with you.

    All this is said with much love. Anyone that posts orginals and asks for a critique has........um........orbs the size of basketballs. Says a lot about you !

    Stick with it and bring it from the heart!
  11. djjackherer


    Mar 11, 2012
    Ill post a sad song for you tomorrow Zoomie, its off to the drawing board with this one though
  12. I didn't catch the tune (on my phone, with no headphones), but I like to leave my stuff up, even if it's crappy. I like having as record of my progressions online. It's a real impression of who you are as a player right now. It shows you what you have learned and also what you have forgotten.

    There's no shame in sucking unless you don't recognize your flaws or have no desire to get better IMO.

    Just a thought.
  13. djjackherer


    Mar 11, 2012
    Ill get it back on with a few changes and a new one tomorrow, keep trying until I get a good one
  14. djjackherer


    Mar 11, 2012
    2nd song on

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    Primary TB Assistant

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